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Do you have any friends?


SheWolfGR

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Hello fellow Avens!

I was wondering how many of you have friends and if they know about your asexuality.

I had friends in high school and at the beginning of college but for the last 3 years (I'm 25) I don't and I am reluctant to meeting new people cause I don't wanna have to expain my lack of relationships plus I don't connect with many people anyway cause of my personality and interests. Obviously all the friends I had over the years were sexuals and oh boy do they like talking about sex all the time. Which I found extremely annoying and tolerated until I no longer couldn't. I guess me being an introvert and naturally not a social person makes things harder but how do you deal with the lack of friendships? I also noticed that not hanging out with anyone for so long made me not wanting to meet anyone. Has that happened to any of you?

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Yeah I've always managed a small group of friends. The first group was from middle school to high school, and although we still meet up every once in a long while we grew apart when I moved away for college (and never moved back to the city). My second and current group is the one I developed in college and it's largely stayed the same although I've grown closer and drifted away from some over time, but I see this as being pretty natural as our priorities have changed. One of them knows I'm asexual and I think a few others have suspected it, but I don't think my orientation is a big deal so it's not something I broadcast around.

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I have some friends. Not really close with them, but we're still friends. Three of them know, and two might know but I'm not sure. I also have one person I really want to be friends with who knows. The four that know just asked and I either said directly (for 2 of them), and the other two I hinted and they figured it out. One that might know could have overheard, and the other might have seen my ace shirt and figured it out. She will definitely find out next week.

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I have around 20 friends, and I'm close to 5 of them. I haven't told any of them because, I see no point behind it. They could've found out themselves though, because I give off the feeling that I don't want to date, etc. Once this girl (I don't even know) came up to me and said: You don't seem like the type to be in a relationship, and I was like woahhh, how did you guess that??? And she didn't even know why. (went a little off topic lol) I don't see the point of telling them about my sexuality because all we talk about is, school, anime and music ,etc.

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I have a small group of friends but a large group of acquaintances/coworkers. I am out to the coworkers I like and will come out to acquaintances if they ask. Most don't because I'm in a relationship and don't mind discussing sex or relationships. Of my close friends all of them know and I was very careful about telling them because I didn't want them dropping me as a friend because of it. I can lose the coworkers/acquaintances without much heartache, but the friends I don't want to lose and I'm glad all have understood and accepted me.

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I've told a few people I went to school with, that I wasn't really friends with and one closer friend. It went pretty well actually, and I told them after they asked me why I didn't seem to be interested in getting a relationship or anything.

And then there are my internet friends who know, well except one since I have the feeling, that will be awkward~

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I have a couple real life friends, but I don't really feel close to them. Then I have a few online friends. Some of the online ones know about my asexuality.

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WinterWanderer

I definitely get what you're going through. I had a group of friends in college, but we rarely see each other now - maybe every year or two. Since then, I've met maybe two other people I could consider friends, but I don't hang out with them either. I've become something of a loner. That's not always a bad thing (with it comes being more confident in yourself, and having more independence in your life). But I'd like to find more friends eventually.

As for mentioning you're ace to people, you don't have to do it right away. And many people won't care whether you're into relationships or not. (My friends often asked me if I'd found a guy yet, but they never forced me to explain why I wasn't dating.)

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Maybe there are two people I could consider as friends. One of them I don't see as often because she moved to another city, and I don't hang out with the other one anymore because she always carries her boyfriend along with her. I don't think I'm asexual, but I don't feel like a normal straight person either (maybe I'm demi, who knows?). But either way, I've never explained to them why I don't date, but they know there's something "weird" about me.

I've tried to make new friends and I've failed. I hang out with my classmates from time to time, but they're not my friends and, considering that some of them seem a bit judgemental about "prudish" people and that they insist I'm a lesbian/bi/confused (because I talk too much about women's looks), I don't feel comfortable enough to tell them anything too personal, and probably never will.

(...) how do you deal with the lack of friendships? I also noticed that not hanging out with anyone for so long made me not wanting to meet anyone. Has that happened to any of you?


Not so well, especially because I moved to another town and it's hard not having friends there. Besides, it hurts me to see how easily people can make new friends and relate to one another, but I just can't. I thought that going to college would make things better but it didn't. Now, I just don't invest in friendships anymore, even though I want to, because I don't feel capable or likable enough to be friends with people.

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My main group of friends at the moment consists of four people living all over the world and we keep in touch via Skype. It's quite interesting. They all know that I'm ace but telling them wasn't hard considering that two of them are already out to me as LGBT. I also told my best friend who moved to the other side of the country.

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Friends? Check.

Knowing about my asexuality? Very limited.

I have a wide assortment of high school, undergrad, and grad school friends. However, I'm only close to a certain few in each division. Only three people know of my asexuality - my high school best friend, my undergrad best friend, and my grad school best friend, with my grad school best friend introducing me to AVEN and allowing me to understand/identify with the concept of asexuality and the various breakdowns (e.g. demi, grey, etc.) with regards to sexuality/romanticism.

With regards to telling my other friends - not exactly interested at the moment. It's somewhat pretty personal to me, and only today I came out to my grad school best friend with regards to identifying as who I am (and it wasn't exactly easy either, even though I could trust him deep down in my heart). Had I been more open with regards to telling others about my identity, I still wouldn't feel inclined to tell my other close friends. They weren't exactly the most receptive when I told them that the one/first person I deeply like is asexual... so I'm not exactly sure how they'll take it if I told them that I identified as ace.

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I used to have friends....untill I got an arrow to the knee.

In all seriousness now I have actually zero friends and me being ace has nothing to do with it.

It's just all of my close friends ended being some backstabbing scumbags and energy vampires.

So I pretty much cut them lose and since then my life has been a whole lot better.

The thing is I realised that I'm better off without friends because friends come with drama,stress and anxiety.

This is also has to do with the fact I'm a loner and a hermit.

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AbusingSarcasm

My high-school friends and I drifted apart after a couple of years mainly due to vastly differing interests. They wanted to go out to pubs, clubs etc and I wanted to stay home and play Skyrim (to Adam_Jensen, as I typed this post, yours popped up and I laughed out loud at your first sentence! Thanks for that).

Though I am close with my three sisters, I've never told them I'm ace due to my personal feelings on the 'coming out' thing, but if they, or anyone else asks, I'll be honest.

And I get what you mean about how being introverted and not socially-inclined can make things a bit difficult.

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Hi SheWolf. I can relate to your experience of spending a lot of time alone and that starting to feel *normal* and then in turn feeling less like wanting to get out and meet people. And I tend to be a natural introvert as well. Basically, I could've written your post except that I'm a couple of decades older than you. Most of my peers are either divorced and re-entering the dating scene or are married and busy with families of their own. The graphic conversations about sex tend to taper off among *older* crowds though. Oh, and I totally get it about wanting to avoid constantly being expected to explain not being in a *relationship*.

I really don't have any friends. In the past, every guy I've had a friendship with has eventually at some point, tried to get *romantic*. They all friend-dump me anyhow as soon as they get a *real* girlfriend. Women think I'm weird and say things like, "We need to get you a life." (meaning, of course, a sexual partner)

So, basically, I've kind of given up. I volunteer, go to the gym and hang out with family. Not very exciting but, oh, well.

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Phantasmal Fingers

I was wondering how many of you have friends and if they know about your asexuality.

A few and no, they don't know but they really should've guessed by now. I don't mind the fact they haven't though.

I guess me being an introvert and naturally not a social person makes things harder but how do you deal with the lack of friendships?

I like being solitary so it's not something to be coped with.

I also noticed that not hanging out with anyone for so long made me not wanting to meet anyone. Has that happened to any of you?

​Yes! Good innit? :) I mean, it's an advantage if you like being/travelling alone.

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I have lots of friends! I'm not exactly popular or anything, but I have people that will hang out with me lol.

Only a few know about my asexuality, because I don't really tell people.

Yes I can relate to being alone for a long time and then not wanting to meet anyone new. However, I found that not meeting new people was a bad thing: its kind of like staying in your own personal bubble forever.

I used to be like you, not many friends and very introverted. You don't need a million friends to be happy, just buddies you can hang out with similar interests. Friends are your support group and people you hang out with, and generally it should be OKAY to be asexual and have different orientation friends. It really isn't strange because usually people aren't romantically interested in most of their friends (or at least from my experience I am not romantically interested in any of mine, and as far as my friends go I don't think any of them like me)

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Interesting answers everyone! I'm glad to see there are more people like me :)

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Hi! I'm brand new to AVEN so this is my first post!

I truly relate to what you're saying!

I have a few friends- maybe about 5/6, that I would say are close. But still not so close that I discuss my asxeuality with them. Mostly I am able to be friends with them because at least two of them I think are (not confirmed) nonsexual or celibate and the others are queer so even if we don't discuss out loud our preferences, I don't feel pressure to conform so much in their presence.

Otherwise, I do have a larger circle of acquaintances, maybe a couple dozen, but I cannot maintain these friendships because inevitably, they always start to question my identity, and as I'm not out about being ace, I hate having to lie.

I used to be quite sociable before puberty and especially before my late teens when all this really became an issue. Since then I've become extremely introverted- I tended towards introvertness before, but not to this extent- and I really avoid trying to make new friends or go places because sex is everywhere and in every topic, and it's exhausting and annoying dodging those questions. I've always been happy in my own company, but that was when it was by choice. Now it feels like I have no option, because the only way I can be honest is by not being around people everyday and lying to avoid uncomfortableness. So yes, it definitely becomes a cycle!

Hello fellow Avens!

I was wondering how many of you have friends and if they know about your asexuality.

I had friends in high school and at the beginning of college but for the last 3 years (I'm 25) I don't and I am reluctant to meeting new people cause I don't wanna have to expain my lack of relationships plus I don't connect with many people anyway cause of my personality and interests. Obviously all the friends I had over the years were sexuals and oh boy do they like talking about sex all the time. Which I found extremely annoying and tolerated until I no longer couldn't. I guess me being an introvert and naturally not a social person makes things harder but how do you deal with the lack of friendships? I also noticed that not hanging out with anyone for so long made me not wanting to meet anyone. Has that happened to any of you?

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silentillusionz

There are about 5 people in my life that know about my sexuality. I don't feel the need to share it with everyone because I try to build relationships off of some common interest. This makes it easier to connect with people whether I consider them a friend or not. If I don't force myself to meet people I sink into a deep dark depression so I try very hard to be extroverted even though I'm a total introvert. What really helped me socialize was getting involved in a semi-competitive adult team sport. Since everyone was there to do the same thing it didn't matter what my identity was because we were bonding over accomplishing a goal together.

Since I am not close to my family, having people I can consider a friend is important to me. I know it can be very stressful but I wouldn't avoid making friends because of your sexuality... it doesn't matter as an adult. But if you are happy with your life and there are people you can depend on then I don't think you need to worry about not wanting to develop friendships.

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I have two tiny groups of friends who know about my sexuality. I've told all my peers, so only the adults in my life don't know. It's the kind of thing that I'm pretty casual about most people knowing, but won't just talk about openly without a good reason. It hasn't affected the way my friends have treated me, either. I guess I'm sort of lucky in that regard.

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I don't have any friends close enough to need to know about my sexuality at the moment.

And nope, haven't experienced a lack of interest. But my social life is on hold until I can get a bunch of issues in my life resolved anyway.

Daydreaming about ways to find people with my similar strengths/weaknesses has been nice way to cope lately. I was thinking...oh, I could run a meetup group designed to attract like-minded people. Or...I could start a youtube channel and potentially "meet" hundreds of thousands of people with no anxiety or risk of personal harm.

I will have a youtube channel eventually even if it doesn't get views. My close friends have often complained about my need for alone time (they need to see me more often to not feel disconnected, maybe), so maybe that will help meet their needs (and mine).

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Unfortunately, I don't have friends. If I make friends, I'm sure it will be difficult to discuss my asexuality with them since many people are either unaware or not accepting. I am still interested in finding them, though.

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I guess me being an introvert and naturally not a social person makes things harder but how do you deal with the lack of friendships? I also noticed that not hanging out with anyone for so long made me not wanting to meet anyone. Has that happened to any of you?

I love being on my own, so the lack of friendships doesn't bother me too much. I do actually have best friends and I'm close to some of my family, and that's enough for me right now. My problem with making friends is, I'm afraid of bugging people on the rare occasions I do feel interested in pursuing friendships, so I generally don't, plus I really need a certain 'spark' to make me feel like I want to stick around someone longer term (and in typical fashion, most people I have felt that for... haven't really liked me that much). Otherwise I'm not all that interested and can let 99% of people I meet pass by. General disinterest is definitely less stressful, than trying and failing and not even knowing why.

I've only told 3 people about my sexuality, so far. The topic actually rarely comes up among the people I hang out with, even with my work colleagues, so I don't generally get asked those annoying "why are you single?" questions. I've tried dating/relationships, I've never been comfortable and I regret how my last one turned out, even if I did end up understanding myself a bit better, so I don't think romance is really for me.

If you're comfortable not wanting to hang out with other people, that's OK, but if you wanted to get out and meet new people again, I think places or groups for people with shared interests/sports might be a good idea?

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New Strawberry 8

I don't really do well as a loner, so I've always had friends. It wasn't til I was older that I started having people in my life that I liked being around though. When I first realized I was ace a couple years ago, I told a few close people. Now I just pretty much tell anyone if it comes up. I just moved to a new state so I don't have a lot of friends here, but the ones I do have all know I'm ace. I just feel like I can be myself more when the people around me know that large part of my identity.

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I don't really have any friends. I had a small group of about six people I was friends with during college, but now that it is in the past, I don't really have anyone that I can relate to. It truly sucks living in the middle of the rural South. I do have some people under the age of 19 that call me their friend, and all of them know that I am ace ( they all fall along the lines of LGBT).

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When I was in junior and middle school, I had one best friend, and we were pretty much inseparable. But after this, she ended up going to another school, and we drifted apart because we never got to see each other, and her circle of friends changed quite extensively. Since then, I haven't put much effort into making new friends. Part of this is probably because I have trust issues (thanks, mom and dad!), so I'm insufferably choosy when it comes to who I associate with now. My personality type isn't the most conducive to making friends, either. I expect sheer transparency from others, but finding people who fit that bill seems impossible. (At least, based on 99% of the people I currently interact with on a daily basis.) On top of this, if someone sends up the slightest red flag to me, I tend to back off. My bullshit meter is either exceptionally fine-tuned, or broken, lol.

Despite all the above, though, I'm most comfortable on my own. It's always been that way, with the exception of a good friend or two, so I don't see a problem with it. The only time I feel like it's an issue? When other people say, "so, you find any new friends yet?" or similar statements, as if it's expected that everyone will go out looking for friends and immediately find them. This stuff takes serious time for me.

When it comes to people who know about my asexuality, only my sister, and someone who wanted to date me (who I had to turn down and explain things, out of honesty) know about it. I'd probably tell my friends if I had any, because by the time someone becomes my friend, they've already passed all my distrustful barriers, and I know they can be trusted to react properly.

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chubby turtle

Wow, this is super depressing to say, but I really don't have any friends. I have my sister who I am extremely close to, but since she's gotten a job, I'm kind of alone. I really don't meet a lot of people and being an introvert it just takes a lot of energy to force myself to. I would like to have friends, I really would, but I really don't compute with, like, 85% of people. And the last 15% of people really doesn't have any reason to hang with me or someone like me because, like, I'm an extremely emotionally unstable. So, yeah.

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Chubby turtle? How about finding an interest/hobby and then focus on the hobby instead of focus on the people. Maybe you all ready do?

OP. Im a sexual guy, and I have never discussed my sex life with friends. I have usually avoided the typical 'whoa, she is so hot i wanna...to her' and the 'last night I f.... her so much'-talks.

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EnterCreativeName

I'm still in school, so it's pretty easy for me to find someone to talk to. There's a lot of people I consider a friend. But I only have a couple close ones. Those close ones though, I still don't talk to as much as I wish I did. I don't know if it's my personal fears kicking in, or if they really don't care as much as I do, but it makes me sad sometimes.

Anyways, just about everyone I talk to knows about my asexuality. I've come out to a whole table group once, and other people one at a time. All my friends have positive reactions, from "We already knew that" to "Oh, does that mean you like dating, but without all the kissing and closeness?" There's only one person that flat out told me that asexuality does not exist, he was never a friend though, just some rude person I was forced to talk to in my robotics class.

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I have some friends among my coworkers, we are talking about movies, books, politics, philosophy or just having fun. They don't know that I'm asexual, but nobody has ever asked. I'm pretty sure that if one of them would ask about it, I could be open and they would accept it. Why? Because I'm somewhat "out of the norm" anyway - I'm introvert, short, thin, getting bald, have weak vision since birth (legally blind, but still have enough vision to work as a software architect and do everyday living alone), not that much into politics and economics but I like some weird philosophical ideas and psychology. So, if my friends have accepted me with all the things on this list, I am pretty sure that my asexuality would be received just like "Oh, you poor man, that's one more trouble in your list of health issues." Yeah, maybe. That's fine with me, I guess :)

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