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Steps into finding the right gender expression


Finn.

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So I had this thought! This other topic about gender presentation made me think of how I changed over the last two years. While figuring out my gender I tried different things to see what makes me feel more comfortable, even small things can make a big difference. Here's what I tried and keep doing:

Short hair

Changing how I walk depending on how I feel gender-wise

Keeping make-up down to the minimum most often, getting more comfortable without any

Quitting nail polish as I'm never in for it longer than a day anyways

Changing my jewelry; more rings, less earrings and only studs

Sports bras! Boxers! Men's fashion!

Finally getting rid of the only pair of heels I owned and hadn't worn in two years

Carrying my cardigan over my shoulder makes me feel so good sometimes, it's silly

Dialing down on the eyebrow plucking

Changing how low I speak depending on how I feel gender-wise (mostly subconsciously)

Allowing myself to take up more space and sit more comfortably, generally more like guys do I guess

Choosing backpacks and totes over purses (not generally but half of the time)

What are things you tried/changed?

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A lot of those you mentioned. I stand straighter and more confidentally. I also try to act and look very nonchalant.

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Great ideas Finn and Zombie Lice. If you are trying to look like a male don't forget to check out the women you see. We all do it. When they are walking towards or facing you take a look at their chests, faces, and if she's wearing shorts, skirt, or dress check out her legs. After she passes make sure to take a quick peek at her behind. Anyone who sees you doing this will take for granted that you are a normal and healthy male.

Best wishes for success! - DC

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Great ideas Finn and Zombie Lice. If you are trying to look like a male don't forget to check out the women you see. We all do it. When they are walking towards or facing you take a look at their chests, faces, and if she's wearing shorts, skirt, or dress check out her legs. After she passes make sure to take a quick peek at her behind. Anyone who sees you doing this will take for granted that you are a normal and healthy male.

Best wishes for success! - DC

I have to admit... I really don't like this idea? That we should objectify women to help us pass.. Feels pretty sexist.

And anyway, as a gay trans guy...

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Great ideas Finn and Zombie Lice. If you are trying to look like a male don't forget to check out the women you see. We all do it. When they are walking towards or facing you take a look at their chests, faces, and if she's wearing shorts, skirt, or dress check out her legs. After she passes make sure to take a quick peek at her behind. Anyone who sees you doing this will take for granted that you are a normal and healthy male.

Best wishes for success! - DC

I have to admit... I really don't like this idea? That we should objectify women to help us pass.. Feels pretty sexist.

And anyway, as a gay trans guy...

Yeah... no. I'm afab so I have personal experience with this and no thanks. Yes I'm into women (as far as I experience sexual attraction anyways) but I am totally against objectifying them, just please don't treat them like that? And I don't pass for male at all, I would only seem gay then and not like a straight man.

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Great ideas Finn and Zombie Lice. If you are trying to look like a male don't forget to check out the women you see. We all do it. When they are walking towards or facing you take a look at their chests, faces, and if she's wearing shorts, skirt, or dress check out her legs. After she passes make sure to take a quick peek at her behind. Anyone who sees you doing this will take for granted that you are a normal and healthy male.

Best wishes for success! - DC

I have to admit... I really don't like this idea? That we should objectify women to help us pass.. Feels pretty sexist.

And anyway, as a gay trans guy...

I apologize if my suggestion offended you, and assure you that it was not my intent to objectify anyone. I apologize as well for not being a little more explicit about the "how" of what I suggested. I didn't mean that you should stare or leer at her, but rather to just take a quick glance which is normal human nature when seeing someone of the sex that you are attracted to. It is just a natural reflex and would serve as another indicator to anyone around that you are what you appear to be. - DC

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Great ideas Finn and Zombie Lice. If you are trying to look like a male don't forget to check out the women you see. We all do it. When they are walking towards or facing you take a look at their chests, faces, and if she's wearing shorts, skirt, or dress check out her legs. After she passes make sure to take a quick peek at her behind. Anyone who sees you doing this will take for granted that you are a normal and healthy male.

Best wishes for success! - DC

I have to admit... I really don't like this idea? That we should objectify women to help us pass.. Feels pretty sexist.

And anyway, as a gay trans guy...

Yeah... no. I'm afab so I have personal experience with this and no thanks. Yes I'm into women (as far as I experience sexual attraction anyways) but I am totally against objectifying them, just please don't treat them like that? And I don't pass for male at all, I would only seem gay then and not like a straight man.

I assure you that I had no intention of objectifying anyone with my suggestion. I should have made it clearer that what I meant was to take a quick glance at the person because that is what men will normally do when they see a woman, and from my own experience women do it to men too. Of course the women who took the time to give me the quick once over may have left their glasses at home. :) I'm sorry to hear that you had bad experiences and wish you the best in whatever you choose to do. - DC

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I had already stopped doing or refused to start doing at all a lot of feminine things for as long as I can remember.. I said no to dresses since I was capable of doing it like at 3, I stopped wearing earrings when I was like 10, I never wore makeup with any regularity only when I was forced to for formal events, I never plucked my eyebrows, I was never totally regularly shaven but I stopped doing it at all a few years ago maybe, I cut my hair short the last years of high school and kept getting it gradually shorter for the next years until now I finally got to the haircut I always wanted, I stopped wearing female shirts and bras some years ago and just wore sport bras and male/unisex t-shirts but later I got more male clothes other than just t-shirts, bought a binder, a couple of men's shoes, and I also gave up my unisex shoulder bag for a neutral on the masc side backpack.

There are probably also some things I haven't changed exactly consciously like my walk isn't really different from before, I always had a very neutral walk imo, but it just feels kinda sharper now. And I always sat with my legs apart at some point but now I don't feel like I need to balance it with the occasional crossed leg or feel self conscious about it. I cut back a lot on my use of smilies and some wording when talking in text. I think I don't talk with my hands as much, but I'm not sure, and I'm more aware of my voice so I try to not let it go too high. I participate more in class and speak more bluntly, and I'm not as shy and socially awkward as before.

But I do think that when I look more male without having to add little details to make it work, I'd like having some more neutral or feminine elements to my presentation like the occasional nail polish or a bit of eyeliner and a shoulder bag and stuff like that, since ideally I like presenting as androgynous.

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Luftschlosseule

I look at all the people and what they do, how they do it. For example, if I have rolls. The women here around me tend to rip of a small part of the rolls and eat that, in order not to have a full mouth, but I just gobble it up. These small, subconcsious behaviors fascinate me.

But I am in general a person who looks out for behavior patterns, that hasn't changed in the last year.

At the moment, I am looking out for what changes when I am a woman. (This formulation sounds so weird. I mean, I am agenderfluid, most days agender, some days not.) I tend to feel more comfortable in skirts, wear more prominent jewellery. I am thinking about getting an undercut in the neck, so that you won't see it when I wear my hair down, and I need to get my hair dyed again because then I feel much more myself.

The last time I went shopping for clothes I had a feminine day and in consequence, I dislike one shirt I bought most days because it has frills. It's still all very confusing.

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I assure you that I had no intention of objectifying anyone with my suggestion. I should have made it clearer that what I meant was to take a quick glance at the person because that is what men will normally do when they see a woman, and from my own experience women do it to men too.

As I said, I am attracted to women. I do notice them, I guess I "take a quick glance " too sometimes. But I really control myself even if I would like to "stare" more. Because that's just not nice, and unwanted in most cases. I wouldn't ever "take a peek of her behind" and things like that.

(...) I'm more aware of my voice so I try to not let it go too high. I participate more in class and speak more bluntly, and I'm not as shy and socially awkward as before.

But I do think that when I look more male without having to add little details to make it work, I'd like having some more neutral or feminine elements to my presentation like the occasional nail polish or a bit of eyeliner and a shoulder bag and stuff like that, since ideally I like presenting as androgynous.

I started speaking quite a bit lower a few years ago, just because I liked it better. Now that I'm more comfortable with myself I usually speak with my "natural" voice. Sometimes I shift back, and sometimes my voice makes me dysphoric so I keep it lower on purpose. I had to sing at this internship thing half a year ago, in the middle of some quite dysphoric weeks, it was horrible. And right next to me there was this trans guy singing with his low voice. Ugh.

I did gain confidence in the last two years. But I didn't really attribute it to gender? It could definitely have had an influence I guess, now that you say it. I just assumed it was more about life and work experience. I'm actually a quite confident seeming person but often enough anxiety gets the best of me. But as my anxiety has gotten better, I'm rediscovering my confidence.

I would love to rock the feminine/androgynous boy look with nail polish and eyeliner. But having the body that I have it doesn't work for me. I feel like I need to cancel out some of my more feminine attributes, at least on most days. But I also don't want to transition medically (I assume with top surgery I would actually start presenting more feminine). It's the genderfluid impasse =)

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I look at all the people and what they do, how they do it. For example, if I have rolls. The women here around me tend to rip of a small part of the rolls and eat that, in order not to have a full mouth, but I just gobble it up. These small, subconcsious behaviors fascinate me.

But I am in general a person who looks out for behavior patterns, that hasn't changed in the last year.

At the moment, I am looking out for what changes when I am a woman. (This formulation sounds so weird. I mean, I am agenderfluid, most days agender, some days not.) I tend to feel more comfortable in skirts, wear more prominent jewellery. I am thinking about getting an undercut in the neck, so that you won't see it when I wear my hair down, and I need to get my hair dyed again because then I feel much more myself.

The last time I went shopping for clothes I had a feminine day and in consequence, I dislike one shirt I bought most days because it has frills. It's still all very confusing.

That's cool! I never pay that much attention but you're right.

Undercuts are great, I had one too when I first had it cut short last year, I felt really edgy and queer =) Yes, shopping is really tricky, I have the same issue. Sometimes I just don't want to shop or end up buying nothing because I don't like how any of the clothes look on me. Sometimes I buy these weirdly feminine things that I end up wearing occasionally at best. I'm usually happiest when I buy men's or androgynous women's clothes, those are the ones I go back to most often.

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I assure you that I had no intention of objectifying anyone with my suggestion. I should have made it clearer that what I meant was to take a quick glance at the person because that is what men will normally do when they see a woman, and from my own experience women do it to men too.

As I said, I am attracted to women. I do notice them, I guess I "take a quick glance " too sometimes. But I really control myself even if I would like to "stare" more. Because that's just not nice, and unwanted in most cases. I wouldn't ever "take a peek of her behind" and things like that.

You're one hundred percent correct that staring at a woman's body is never the polite and correct thing to do, and it is something that I have never done. As a MTF cross dresser he quick glances were one of the hardest things for me to correct in order to not attract unwanted attention and have her take a closer look at me. And besides that it isn't very ladylike.

I was very embarrassed though when one time years ago I was falsely suspected of staring at a woman's chest. I was sitting on her right at a bar and she was wearing some sort of pin on her left side. I was trying to figure out what it was and guess that I got fixated on it because she said something about my staring at what she logically assumed was her chest. I was really embarrassed because that's not the type of person I was or that I am. I explained what I'd been doing and I guess that she accepted that, or maybe just gave me a pass :) , because we got along fine after that.

Hope that you weren't too bored with my story but when you get old you tend to reminisce a bit. :)

Have a beautiful day. - DC

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Something like this happened to me in the last (5-3 Years?) I became more "Girly" now I do care much more about my look, the way I dress, the way how I walk, how I express, etc.

I used to not care about myself, now I do much more, I want to look the best for myself, not only that but I did take some tests and I got Female-ish Personality results (I'm male), I do feel better now.

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Yeah, it's amazing how these things can affect our confidence and well-being.

It's a bit weird to me that I didn't open up to different kinds of gender expression sooner, I was always very liberal and feminist.

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Mostly the haircut. And I think you already listed most with body language, Finn. Trying out nail polish, I love nail polish and it looks great with short hair and clothes I like to wear. Getting into shape. Shaping the eyebrows less archy. And ad nail polish, yes, I do rock the rocker dude image and sometimes even pass as such.

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I would like to do that sort of stuff, expept that my family doesn't know that I'm non-binary and I don't plan on telling them any time soon especially since my parents are very religious and would surely not take it well. I'm thinking I may grow my hair out a bit so it's a more gender neutral hair style, but I don't really know what else I could do that wouldn't attract my parent's attention.

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Mmh. Maybe some more subtle stuff, like trying different fits in clothing (skinny jeans, deeper v necks, maybe tank tops), you could totally pluck your eyebrows (subtly), maybe wear a little make up (no eyeshadow or eyeliner but you know). I know that some people paint their toe nails or wear tights underneath their clothes, nobody sees it but you know you're wearing it, so it could make a difference dypshoria-wise.

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Mmh. Maybe some more subtle stuff, like trying different fits in clothing (skinny jeans, deeper v necks, maybe tank tops), you could totally pluck your eyebrows (subtly), maybe wear a little make up (no eyeshadow or eyeliner but you know). I know that some people paint their toe nails or wear tights underneath their clothes, nobody sees it but you know you're wearing it, so it could make a difference dypshoria-wise.

I suppose it should be noted that I consider myself agender, I'm probably closer to agenderflux because sometimes I feel a bit more feminine or masculine but most of the time I feel genderless. I am going for gender neutral, not female or androgynous.

I've been thinking about it and I have come up with some possible ideas:

-Loose some weight. To me honest I'm a bit on the obese side and I've noticed that the way fat is distributed differs between males and females a bit. A good motivation like that won't hurt.

-Wear darker clothing. Less light refracts off, so it would be harder for people to make out details about my body shape. SCIENCE!

-Wear baggier clothing. Same as above.

-Get different shoes. The hiking shoes I have seen too masculine, I need something more neutral.

-I'm considering asking my closest friends (who I'm out to) to use they/them pronouns.

Things I have going for me already:

-My name (Parker) is apparently an intersex one. I only found this out recently, and needless to say I'm very happy about it.

-My voice is quite high by male standards in the alto range and if I want I can even imitate a female voice reasonably well although it's not easy.

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Luftschlosseule

In regard to nail polish: At the moment, I really like transparent nail polish that just adds a nice shine, nothing more.
Also I am wearing a kind of nuturing base-coat as polish, that is supposed to care for the nails. I think it's a really nice compromise.

My goal is loosing weight, too. I don't like this body very much, and don't feel comfortable, so that needs to be changed.

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Mmh. Maybe some more subtle stuff, like trying different fits in clothing (skinny jeans, deeper v necks, maybe tank tops), you could totally pluck your eyebrows (subtly), maybe wear a little make up (no eyeshadow or eyeliner but you know). I know that some people paint their toe nails or wear tights underneath their clothes, nobody sees it but you know you're wearing it, so it could make a difference dypshoria-wise.

I suppose it should be noted that I consider myself agender, I'm probably closer to agenderflux because sometimes I feel a bit more feminine or masculine but most of the time I feel genderless. I am going for gender neutral, not female or androgynous.

Yes, I saw your gender in your description, but since gender expression doesn't always totally add up with what we imagine what a gender "looks like" I still wantedto mention these. Sometimes the weirdest things can help with dysphoria.

Good luck on your journey!

About the weight loss: I lost some weight last year. It really helped me to feel more comfortable. But even with the few pounds I have gained back since then, I feel more in sync. Considering my body and whatever it looks like as genderless/nonbinary helped me lots, also with top dysphoria.

And yeah, I like those nurturing coats that look like nail polish too! But I haven't worn it for a long time.

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