Do I fall on the spectrum?

[Brightpink]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I'm exploring my sexuality and I have some questions. I know some people don't like labels, and I don't label others but I really need them for myself, as it sooths me and gives me clarity.

I identify as a bisexual cis woman. I never considered that I could fall on the ace spectrum until recently. I had this very narrow-minded view of asexual people who absolutely never ever have sex and are usually single. I mean some will fall in this category and some don't. But I saw some comics about asexuality on Facebook that kind of changed my view and I started reading more about it. Now I think I might fall somewhere on the spectrum, but I'm not sure so maybe you can help me out. I'm going to share some details to give a complete picture so please don't read any further if you don't want to know about my sex life.

I am in a committed straight relationship with someone who I live with and we don't have a lot of sex, I think an average is about 3 times a month. This doesn't frustrate either one of us by the way. I sometimes feel embarrassed about my lack of sex and very repetitive sex even though I'm content this way I feel like I need to justify it or make it seem 'better' than it is when friends are talking about their sex lives.

I rarely ever want to have sex. It takes so long for me to get aroused, and I'm practically unable to orgasm if I'm not using my own hands. Usually I'm the one initiating, but that's because I feel like I should and not because I really want to. I usually do like basic penetration once I'm aroused. I don't physically enjoy anything else with a partner. I also enjoy masturbation and orgasms. Let's put it like this, I want to masturbate but I don't want to have sex with someone else but I can physically enjoy it. It's a bit strange maybe but I almost exclusively like to fantasise that I'm a man when I masturbate even though I'm not trans and I feel completely female.

I think people of both genders can be very beautiful or 'sexy' but I don't want to sleep with them. I do feel a strong sense of wanting a romantic relationship.

Now I'm just wondering- do you think I fall on the spectrum or do you think I just have a very low sex drive? If yes, what do you think I'd be - grey A, or sex positive or something else even? I know for sure that I'm biromantic. Thanks so much for your help and I'm sorry about all the details.

[Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet]

I think that if you are on the ace spectrum, that you are probably gray-asexual. But it's really up to you to decide whether your ace spectrum or not (as you know already). And there isn't anything to be embarrassed about when it comes to your sex life. You don't need to justify his much,or how little sex, you are having with your romantic partner to anyone,including your friends.You don't have to make your sex life seem "better" to anyone. And if your friends are or will be judgemental on your sex life, or make fun of you because of your sex life, then, if I were you, I'd really think about wether these are truly your friends. Also, you don't have to "make" your sex life sound better, because to me,if you and your romantic partner is cool with it, then your sex life is perfect.

When it comes to initiating sex,if you don't really want to do it,then don't do it. Don't push yourself to do stuff you don't like. You shouldn't have to feel pressured to do anything. Do what makes YOU happy.

You could also be demisexual,meaning you don experience sexual attraction until an emotional bond of some sort(doesn't have to be romantic) is formed.

http://demisexuality.org/articles/what-is-demisexuality/

Hopefully I was SOME amount of help to you :). Good luck.

[nanogretchen4]

Three times a month is only a little below average, and if your partner is fine with that frequency you may have been fortunate enough to find someone who also has a lowish sex drive. It's common for females to take quite a while to get aroused or reach orgasm. It's also common for females to have difficulty orgasming or to only be able to orgasm in a limited number of ways.

The most important point to consider is, do you want to have sex with your partner at all? If you have a feeling of inertia at first but then want to continue once aroused, that's responsive desire and is common among sexuals. If you actually want to have sex extremely infrequently, like a few times a year, that's probably gray. If you would prefer never to have sex with your partner again, that sounds asexual. Regardless, I recommend talking to your partner about how you feel about sex, especially if you want something to change.

As far as your friends' boasting, ignore it. Your sex life is none of their business, and they are likely exagerrating or trying to compete with each other anyway.

[Brightpink]

My friends would never bully me or something about my low sex life but I felt kind of weird or out of place about it especially because I never considered that I could be on the spectrum.

The thing is, I don't really want to have sex but I also don't actively have something against it. I would mind if my partner expected me to have sex several times a week but he really doesn't expect anything. He's really great. But for the 2 or 3 times a month that we do have sex, I'm okay with that. I prefer so-called quickies because you're done sooner and I tend to initiate sex when my body is already ready (so wet, for a variety of reasons, usually random) so I don't have to go through very long foreplay. I initiated it at that time because I felt like I should have sex occasionally and if I do it then it's the least amount of hassle. That feeling of pressure comes more from me and society in general than my friends or partner, btw. He's very respectful. I lived abroad for a few months and never had sex in that time, and that really didn't bother me at all.

I wouldn't mind not having sex, I can deal with the 2 times a month but I don't really look forward to it or desire it but I guess I'm also not repulsed. Sexuality is pretty confusing!

[Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet]

My friends would never bully me or something about my low sex life but I felt kind of weird or out of place about it especially because I never considered that I could be on the spectrum.

The thing is, I don't really want to have sex but I also don't actively have something against it. I would mind if my partner expected me to have sex several times a week but he really doesn't expect anything. He's really great. But for the 2 or 3 times a month that we do have sex, I'm okay with that. I prefer so-called quickies because you're done sooner and I tend to initiate sex when my body is already ready (so wet, for a variety of reasons, usually random) so I don't have to go through very long foreplay. I initiated it at that time because I felt like I should have sex occasionally and if I do it then it's the least amount of hassle. That feeling of pressure comes more from me and society in general than my friends or partner, btw. He's very respectful. I lived abroad for a few months and never had sex in that time, and that really didn't bother me at all.

I wouldn't mind not having sex, I can deal with the 2 times a month but I don't really look forward to it or desire it but I guess I'm also not repulsed. Sexuality is pretty confusing!

Sexuality IS confusing. Just ignore society. Society isn't right on everything.

[ggcatlady]

Asexuality is not a behaviour, it is an orientation. How often you have sex has nothing to do with it. The question is: Do you feel sexual attraction towards other people? If you rarely feel sexual attraction towards anyone you might be gray but if you never feel sexually attracted to other people you are definitely asexual. Just because you are able to feel sexual arousal doesn't mean you are sexually attracted to other people. It may be that certain actions arouse you rather than the person doing the actions. I recommend you read The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker. It is available from Amazon and on Kindle. It answered a lot of my questions regarding what constitutes asexuality.

To quote: "Are you sexually attracted to other people? Do you feel the need to make sex a part of your life? Do you have a desire to introduce sexual activities into your relationships? If you answered no to one or more of these questions, you may very well be asexual. No expert can 'diagnose' you; only you can answer this for yourself."

Perhaps, rather than sex, you would prefer . I wish you all the best in your search for answers.

[=NolePtr]

Not to sound unsympathetic but everyone falls on the spectrum in one way or another. Also, nothing falls under labels in the real world, but from the sound of it, you may be close to demisexual. I really encourage not trying to label yourself, but instead learning the labels, so later you can figure out where you fall between them. It allows you to view the situation from a empirical standpoint and also depersonalizes asexuality so you do not need the unnecessary stress from feeling you need to figure yourself out.