Asexual or Low Sex Drive?

[NotTheTypicalGuy]

Hello everyone!

First I would like to say that this is my first time on this cite and I am thrilled that there is somewhere for me, and others a like, to look for consulting when grappling with hard hitting topics like this. I would also like to thank you in advanced for reading my post as I might be a little long winded with the phrasing of my question, although I feel like the background information is important.

So to get started I guess I should say that I am currently a 19 yr. old M. I was raised in a relatively normal family and did not have any traumatic sexual experiences. I was raised as a Catholic and morals that are taught from the Bible are pretty deeply ingrained in my thinking. Although I no longer identify as a Catholic, but more as an Agnostic since I see the idea of religion fundamentally flawed, but that is a different topic. By "Catholic Morals" I mean the ideas that sex is basically a sacred thing and should only be done with the person you are married to. My first "crush," occured when I was in third grade, but it was not a sexual type of crush, more just like I thought that this girl looked attractive, but I had no intentions of doing anything physical. Obviously in third grade no person is thinking sexually, so if we skip to my freshmen year in high school, I also felt like I had a crush on someone, yet again I never had that desire to do anything physical. I've been reading about how people describe what it is to have a crush and they always talk about how they have "weak knees" or butterflies in their stomach something that I had experienced. Although reflecting on how I had felt I think I was misinterpreting my social anxiety with the feelings of a crush. Basically got in a my first "relationship" that only lasted for a week since my parents did not allow me to date and I felt extremely guilty going behind their back, but I also feel like there was something else. Something much deeper ingrained and darker. This girl was rather outgoing and flirtatious and was getting rather physical for a freshmen sitting on my lap and touching my stroking my arm, etc. It made me feel uncomfortable, but I thought that was because I was inexperienced and my uneasy feelings were coming from my inability of knowing what to do in those unfamiliar situations. Skip forward to senior year, friend of a girl in my grade came to m and told me that she like me. I think it is also noteworthy to say that I never felt compelled to chase any other girls and the only girl I ever "liked" was the one I ended things with freshmen year. Back to the story at hand this girl and I got together. Although what struck me as odd was that even before we started "dating" officially we had gone out with mutual friends a couple times and before we even started dating she had expected me to at least kiss her. I was a little shocked and uncomfortable with the idea of that, although I blamed it on my Catholic upbringing and how I viewed sexual relations with constraint. The relationship lasted for only a month since I think I made the girl feel rejected as she kept throwing herself towards me making sexual advances and wanting to have a more physical relationship, but I kept finding myself not interested. We did kiss nearly three weeks into the relationship, but it did not last for long and I enjoyed it getting those "bubbly" feelings. Although later in the relationship when we were together alone I could never find myself wanting to kiss her. It got to the point where we literally just had to be like, "okay lets kiss" and even then when we did I had no passion or emotion behind it. I just sat there cold lipped and unable to move, and I did not experience that, "bubbly" feeling. Honestly the break up was not very good since I think this girls feelings were deeply hurt as I said I liked her, yet I could not demonstrate my feelings for her in a sexual manner. She began to call me a psychopath and made up stories that I was going to kill her and that I was planning on raping her one right. This breakup really struck a cord deep within my heart, and I am not sure If I was ever the same. It just broke me down since I was willing to give up so much and love this girl for who she was and open up to her, and she goes on and does this to me. She made me break up with her over text (odd right?) and then as soon as it was all said and done she went on snap chat and posted something along the lines of "I am single and ready to mingle." Quite heart wrenching, it just showed me how cruel people can be towards one another and I think it cut me deeper than I am willing to ever admit. Shortly there after I attended college and had a major spout of Atypical Major Depression. I got help and I am moving forward with my life attending a different college and switching majors, a fresh start. I am doing much better, although I met a girl at college and we both hit it off well and soon we began seeing each other. I invited her over watch a movie with me, and I had intentions of making a movie, but when it came down to it, I jut COULD NOT. Like I had literally zero interest in doing anything sexual with her in that moment. At this time I was suspecting that I might be demisexual, or asexual and I tried explaining it to her, although sadly it fell on def ears as she had never heard of "asexuality." I feel rather terrible since I am sure she know thinks I am bullshiting and that I just don't like her. This issue has been nagging at me ever since she left, and it is emotionally tolling. I just feel like... I am "broken" or something?

Something else that I feel is important to say is that I can tell when someone is attractive, yet I do not have any desires to those that are typically seen as "attractive." I have caught myself time from time to time be mindlessly staring at women's crotches and breasts, but this has also occurred with men. When this happens though I am not consciously thinking about anything, it just occurs.

Thanks again for reading, I am looking forward to reading your responses.

TL;DR

I can tell if someone is attractive, but have no sexual drive to do anything about it. I am uncertain if I have ever felt any true feelings of a typical "crush." I have had no traumatic sexual experiences. I have been in some relationships, but nothing sexual occurred other than kissing. Currently seeing some one and even with intentions of making a move, found myself unable to do so. I feel like I am "broken."

[KamoKing]

First off, Welcome to AVEN! I hope you find plenty of things here to think about, plenty of people to talk to and plenty of cake to eat while doing so! 🍰🍰

Personally I can relate to a lot of what you've said there. I'm a cis guy and I currently identify as asexual and I'd say I experience some degree of aesthetic attraction towards women (I feel that they are more graceful and less blocky than us guys for example) I totally understand the confusion over whether or not you've experienced a crush (my friend that I'm out to always tells me that in this kind of thing if you don't know you've probably not felt it but I'm not sure, I'm still asking myself that too) and, again, I have been known to absentmindedly stare at all sorts of things with no intention at all. So you're by no means alone and absolutely not "broken".

I would suggest asking yourself one thing: You say you have the intention to be physical with your girlfriend but then don't want to when the situation arises. Do you have that intention because you actually want to do something or because you kind of feel you should because 'that's just what people do'? I think that's an important distinction and I can certainly relate to the latter there but it could be different for you.

I'm by no means an expert or even really experienced but I hope that's useful. Here at AVEN nobody can tell you what you are (ace, aro, grey ace/aro etc) so you are whatever you feel you are and whether or not you decide you fall somewhere on the spectrum you're always welcome here! 🍰