Forest Spirit Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 [since this topic sort of sucked the joy out of my weekend anyway I thought about writing about it here (hopefully this is the right forum!?) to get it off my chest] Maybe some background information on me: I'm very introverted and generally have a hard time forming relationships with people partly because I'm what you could call a "lone wolf" and am limited in the amount of people I can form "aquintance +" relationships with (which is sort of "I care about you and want our relationship to be stable, so I actively tend it, like a plant or dunno") and - as the previous point may show you - limited in the possible depth of a relationship. I have a huge 'personal space bubble' and need for alone time. This doesn't mean I hate being around people all together, it's the quantity (and also quality of course) that matters. Coming to the topic of this post: Is it selfish from me to distance myself from someone who tries to deepen our (aquintance) relationship, because I feel like that would be a poisonous relationship? (I'm using this term because I've read it on here a few times and think it fits well) I know this person since about a year now and at first they seemed nice, we share some common interests. But as it sometimes happens with first impressions, they can be wrong. And after some time I've learned how that person really is, and I simply don't like it really. I know that there're always parts of someone which you like and others which you don't like, but in a/my "normal" healthy relationship(s) the good things outweigh the bad ones. But with that specific person it's the other way around. The thing is that they still keep on pushing me into a "aquintance +" relationship and heavily invading my personal space and alone time. I'm also that kind of person who tries to be nice to people even if I don't like them (it's just that I think everyone should be met with some degree of respect and kindness, I dislike being rude, me being rude would be: not answering to text messages, actively not talking to them, things like that) I've tried distancing myself from that person in a not rude way, but apparently they don't get it or I dunno... Thanks for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
Forest Spirit Posted October 8, 2016 Author Share Posted October 8, 2016 No, it would not be selfish at all. You always have the right to distance yourself from someone (even though this person tries to deepen your aquintance/relationship). You always have the right to choose who you want to have a deeper relationship with (even though this person tries to deepen your aquintance/relationship). And no, it would not be rude at all, but totally normal and necessary to: not answering to text messages, actively not talking to them, things like that. I call it being assertive. Thank you for your kind words :) they helped a lot! I'm trying really hard to be content/happy with myself at the moment, but some things still drag me down for no logical reason... Link to post Share on other sites
Nevyn Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 You're not being selfish for not wanting something. Link to post Share on other sites
Starlit Sky Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Yep, the other two posters are right . . . not wanting to be in a potentially toxic relationship (and by that I mean friendship or anything else) with someone is completely normal. If you don't click with someone, you don't click with someone, and it's as simple as that. I'll be blunt with you and say that no, they don't get it if you're still answering their text messages and talking to them. If you don't want some kind of bond with them, you're pretty much going to have to either tell them as much or stop answering their messages . . . and doing the latter might take a lot longer for them to get the picture than you'd like. Link to post Share on other sites
borkfork Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Do not ignore warning signs or your instincts for the sake of being polite. People do it all too often to point where their instincts don't even work anymore. You do not owe anyone anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Forest Spirit Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 Thank you all for answering! I guess I'm just going to have to try to make my feelings more clear to this person, even if that's very hard for me to do... Wish me good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
CentaurianPrincess Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 If you think someone is going to be abusive it's best to get out as fast as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
AliceinWunderland Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 What everyone else said, you don't owe people anything. You choose who you want to be around (or don't want to be around). And if your gut tells you something is off, it usually is. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 To be true about who you are, is showing integrity! You say: "I like some me-time, alone" and that is ok! The struggle comes, when you have to find the good compromise with your partner, so he/she doesnt feel neglected, forgotten, left-over, in the way, worthless, unappreciated, or pushed away! ...and you dont feel over-used, suffocated... It can be a bit of a tug-of-war! "Come and sit with me" "I would rather sit alone" "It is ok, that you would rather sit alone" "It is also ok, that you would rather sit close to me!" How will the story continue? Will they sit together? Or can they come up with a brilliant compromise? Link to post Share on other sites
silentillusionz Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Thank you all for answering! I guess I'm just going to have to try to make my feelings more clear to this person, even if that's very hard for me to do... Wish me good luck. I was in the same situation a few years ago and found that being blunt (even if it hurt the other person's feeling) was the best thing to do for me. I also hate being mean to people but stressing about something trivial was draining my energy and taking time away from creating a happy & healthy me. I hope you found the right words to express your feelings clearly. If you haven't, always helps me think. Link to post Share on other sites
Forest Spirit Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 Thank you all for answering! I guess I'm just going to have to try to make my feelings more clear to this person, even if that's very hard for me to do... Wish me good luck. I was in the same situation a few years ago and found that being blunt (even if it hurt the other person's feeling) was the best thing to do for me. I also hate being mean to people but stressing about something trivial was draining my energy and taking time away from creating a happy & healthy me. I hope you found the right words to express your feelings clearly. If you haven't, always helps me think. Thanks ^_^ I've managed to be more "distant" and not take it to heart (is that an english expression too?!) as much as before, you're 100% right: stressing about sth like this just hurts me and doesn't do anything good, so I try to focus on what's important to me as much as possible! And yey for the Link to post Share on other sites
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