Is coming out worth it?

[55685j6]

First off I just want to apologize in advance for any mistakes or anything. Just made an account, and even though I've lurked for a while actually posting is a bit different haha.

So over the past few years I've become pretty comfortable with the fact that I'm asexual. Though, with the exception of a few online friends I've never really told anyone. I feel like if I were to get into a relationship I'd have to talk about it eventually, but would there be any point in telling my friends/family? I can't see any of the responses being good or that supportive honestly :'(

[Star Bit]

If you don't think they'll be ok with your orientation then of course don't come out. However, you can test the waters with simply mentioning "there's this thing called asexuality where people don't desire sex". Also, if you're under 20 then your orientation could still be developing. And a majority of women (and minority of men) need foreplay to trigger their desire for sex every time, so if you've never done so before and do desire to at least make out then you could end up being sexual.

The only person that actually needs to know about your orientation is a potential partner; which either needs to be disclosed on the first date if you know them prior or the 3rd if not known prior, and explicitly explained with "I don't desire sex ever" and "am/am not willing to sexually compromise". And your parents don't need to know about your sex life either, but viability is important. It makes being so more acceptable to some people and makes it easier to find a fellow ace partner; it's not like we have a steriotyped look or behavior like alot of gay people do. It really has the same effect as coming out as gay or bi; viability for those things are needed too (though of course it's now far more acceptable).

[Starlit Sky]

No, you don't have to tell your friends or family unless you just want to. For me it was worth it, because I just wanted them to know. I felt like it was very "me" to tell them . . . and so I did. But that doesn't mean that everyone needs to.

[Homer]

It really depends on who you come out to.

I only "came out" once to a friend I've known for 15+ years now. We were best friends and tried to shift it to this "couple stuff" they all talk about :D long story short, we failed and it dealt us a blow that took years to recover from. Many moons later she told me that she was concerned about whether she "broke me" or anything because I never made an attempt at a romantic / (sexual?) relationship again.

I just found it fair to tell her that it wasn't her. Just no need here. Not your fault.

Coming out was kind of necessary here and it went well. It's just important to know who you're coming out to. Trust and safety are keys. Be careful at picking who you come out to and you should be okay.

Welcome to Aven

[Bezzy-Loo]

In my personal experience, coming out seemed like a much bigger deal before I did it. I had braced myself and actually came out via offering to help anyone else with anything they might be going through, and all the supportive responses I got were, honestly, a little awkward. That is just my experience, though, I I was confident that, even if questioned and not entirely accepted, no one of importance to me would outright reject me.

But if you don't want to, it isn't really the business of anyone you aren't planning on sharing your life with. The main upside for you is that, if they do understand, they might come to pester you less about certain things.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

In my personal experience, coming out seemed like a much bigger deal before I did it. I had braced myself and actually came out via offering to help anyone else with anything they might be going through, and all the supportive responses I got were, honestly, a little awkward. That is just my experience, though, I I was confident that, even if questioned and not entirely accepted, no one of importance to me would outright reject me.

This was also my experience.

There are several positive reasons to come out for you:

1. No longer need to guard what you say, you can be your true self and not worry about being outed anymore

2. Helps you find other people that are ace to join the community

Coming out can also be good for others:

1. You invite other people struggling with their (a)sexual identity to approach you which might help them

2. You spread awareness of asexuality, which will help your sexual friends and family be more open to it in the future

But, you have to weigh the benefits versus the risks. If you feel that it would bring great harm in your life (e.g. living with parents who might throw you out), then you can wait until you're in a different situation.

[deltaX]

You definitely don't have to come out to friends or family if you don't want to. Personally, I've told a few close friends, but I haven't told my family or most of my less-close friends. Besides any potential partners, you should only feel obligated to come out to someone if it would be worthwhile.

[Starlit Sky]

Yep, exactly. The only person who would need to know is your potential partner. If you ever get into that situation I would suggest telling them either when you start to have more "I like you" types of feelings, or when it looks like they do, but at the very latest it needs to be said before you enter into the relationship. :)

. . . And you really can't judge how invested a person is in a relationship by how many dates you've been in alone, so OP, I really hope you don't listen to the "third date" stuff. If you want to tell a potential partner by the first, second, or third date, then go for it! ^_^ But you're not morally obligated to do so. Like I said above, you're just morally obligated to tell them about your asexuality before the relationship becomes official (preferably before then, though). People are waaay too complex to try to box us all into "first dates" and "third dates" and so on.

[Raina.]

Hi there, welcome! :3

I personally did tell my friends I'm asexual, but that's mostly cause I needed a person to vent to, someone I trusted. Told my parents, too. But I'm that type of person who has a difficult time keeping things from people, even if I want to. I'm too emotional and I don't really understand boundaries most of the time.

But I do agree with what people have shared above. I think, ultimately, the only person that would have to know is your partner! In case they'd want different things from your relationship? The rest'd be entirely up to you and whether you'd be comfortable sharing this particular part of yourself with other people. Especially if you feel they wouldn't respond very well? Cause I know how hurtful that can be. Been there myself. I guess, depending on your safety of course, it could still feel like a relief saying it out loud. I know it was for me?

Keeping stuff like this a secret can make it feel almost dirty, especially if you feel like you have to keep it a secret. (Cause I noticed in your bio you ID as maybe homoromantic asexual? That makes it even tougher, cause like. We have to come out twice?)

Either way, hang in there. And don't feel shy about posting! ^_^

[Star Bit]

We've already been over this on another thread. People expect sex by the 3rd or 5th date so you NEED to tell them before that. Not before you think things are getting serious or that sex is starting to be expected; that's a waste of both of your time. Deal breakers need to be covered early in a relationship not later, and asexuality; whether you can sexually compromise or not, is a big deal breaker.

[Starlit Sky]

Keeping stuff like this a secret can make it feel almost dirty

I knooow! As soon as I realized I was asexual (which was the night I learned that romantic orientations are a thing), I told my best friend immediately, and then my other best friend the day after. The one I waited on telling was my mother, and because, for whatever reason, I was keeping it a secret, it was so much harder to tell her than it was my friends. That's why I think that it's best to come out quickly, if you're in a space where you can actually do that. . . .

We've already been over this on another thread. People expect sex by the 3rd or 5th date so you NEED to tell them before that. Not before you think things are getting serious; that's a waste of both of your time. Deal breakers need to be covered early in a relationship not later, and asexuality; whether you can sexually compromise or not, is a big deal breaker.

Yep, we have talked about it in another thread! ^_^ And now this is coming up again, because as I'm sure you gathered from the other thread, I had no intention of backing down then, and I certainly don't now. And, as I said in that thread, I'll give you that a lot of people are okay with having sex that early (but you should also note that saying "people" isn't quite right, because it's also not as common as you seem to think it is--as in, most people I know wouldn't, and there are tons of dating advice, from men and women, who say not to do that. that is my own personal experience, but it definitely counts in this discussion because of how much it's been), but that's so far been the only argument that's come about, that I've seen, that actually gives a good enough point as to why asexuality needs to come out by a time frame using dating. Even then, that's more of a "oh, they're talking about sex--let's have this discussion!" more than it is, "Okay, it's been the second date now. We better bring this up." Not everyone expects sex by the second, third, fourth, or fifth date, and that "not everyone" does seem to be bigger than you seem to think. . . .

You know, there is a difference between "when the relationship looks serious" and when a person has "I think I like you" feelings. When the relationship looks serious is the latest time it should be talked about. I would personally say it's best to come out when you start to have the "I think I like you" feelings, or you start to gather that the other person has that. Or, you can say you're asexual by the first date, or by the third, or you can explain your asexuality when your date first starts talking about sex, or you can talk about it in the fifth month you know them. A lot of it has to do with your personal judgment and where you think the relationship (whether it's an actual relationship or just dating) is going.

Regardless, if you haven't done it by the time you have "I think I like you" types of feelings, that is the time to do it, and if you don't do it by then you absolutely need to do it before the relationship becomes official (though that's getting later . . .). You cannot say that everyone should do it by the third date because that's not how the real world works. The world is so much more complex than that. So many of you try to say something like, "And if you don't know them, then you need to at least talk about asexuality by the tenth date!" But once again, no. You cannot gauge how well you know someone by the tenth date, and aside of that, the tenth doesn't mean anything unless it means something to those two people. A tenth date isn't any more of a rite of passage than the third date is.

But honestly, saying that all deal breakers should be covered by the first date is crazy. I promise you, no matter what your thoughts on babies are, you do not bring them up on your first date, or your second, or your third. That's too early. You don't bring up BDSM either (question to the general populace who follow the first-third dating rule: do you believe that people should talk about BDSM during that time frame as well? if you do, you need to look up the social stigma that people who are into BDSM face. if you're seriously trying to argue that they need to talk about it that early, you're really not getting it).

Star Bit, you tried to tell me that there is some commitment in dating, didn't you? . . . Yep, you did. There's really not. And, just as I've said to others on that thread, if you honestly think that there's any "commitment" going on before both people have said that they're in a relationship, you really can't argue your point with me. Once you said that, you unintentionally revealed a fair bit of what you know and what you don't know about dating. I know this might sound pretty mean, but I am not going to take my dating advice from someone who doesn't get that dating is not a commitment.

I suggest that the OP doesn't, too.

[nanogretchen4]

There is nothing wrong with being honest with your date about your sexual orientation long before you think they could possibly have developed feelings for you. There is nothing wrong with being honest about your sexual orientation on your dating profile, so that those who are not willing to put time and energy into dating an asexual don't have to. There is a lot wrong with waiting until someone develops feelings for you to come out. There is a lot wrong with trying to keep stringing someone along with active deception after the topic of sex comes up. I suggest that honesty is the best policy. I also suggest that if you know you want a sex free relationship you should actively seek another asexual in the first place.

[Starlit Sky]

There is nothing wrong with being honest with your date about your sexual orientation long before you think they could possibly have developed feelings for you. There is nothing wrong with being honest about your sexual orientation on your dating profile, so that those who are not willing to put time and energy into dating an asexual don't have to. There is a lot wrong with waiting until someone develops feelings for you to come out. There is a lot wrong with trying to keep stringing someone along with active deception after the topic of sex comes up. I suggest that honesty is the best policy. I also suggest that if you know you want a sex free relationship you should actively seek another asexual in the first place.

If you think that *I* think there's anything at all wrong being honest with your date about your sexual orientation long before you think they could possibly have developed feelings for you, or that there is something wrong with being honest about your sexual orientation on your dating profile, you really don't get what I'm saying. Period. As I said just a little bit ago:

Or, you can say you're asexual by the first date, or by the third

And I meant it.

There is a lot wrong with waiting until someone develops feelings for you to come out.

There is a difference between "I think I like you" feelings and "I like you" feelings. If a person likes you, there's a very good chance that they're going to want to be in a relationship with you, and if they're at that point then you're probably at the point where the two of you are fixing to have the "should we be in a relationship?" talk. If you are intentionally waiting for someone to have feelings for you because you believe that then you will have a higher chance of them sticking around, yes, that's manipulative because you are knowingly using their emotions against them. I do not condone that.

However, I am absolutely going to point out that there's not always a way where you can tell that a person has feelings for you, and there are definitely times where a person can jump from "I think I like you . . ." feelings to "Yep, yep, I definitely do." I've been talking to a dude before and out of nowhere he just started flirting and being completely serious and la la la. I didn't see it coming at all, and I know for certain I'm not the only one who's had that experience. On the other hand, I've jumped from "I don't really care about you in that way . . . or as friends . . ." to "ohmyGod I love you" (as in, love, not the exaggeration of it) in just two days.

That's why I'm saying that if an asexual knows that the other person has developed the "I think I like you" feelings, it's best to say it then. However, if the asexual doesn't know that, then no, I'm definitely not going to blame them. You can't always help that someone develops feelings for you and I refuse to blame someone for not saying something before someone else develops those kinds of emotions, because, frankly, that's illogical.

There is a lot wrong with trying to keep stringing someone along with active deception after the topic of sex comes up.

This in particular is something that Serran and I discussed a bit in the other thread, and I'm really glad because by doing so they helped me organize my thoughts a lot more.

If you are not going to have sex, you cannot enjoy sex, or anything like that, then you are different from someone who is going to have sex, can enjoy sex--maybe even has a particular kink that they love doing that isn't exactly sexual, but can be sexual, etc. That is not to say, however, that those situations are all that different in the run of things, because they're not. In both cases, if you're asexual, you do not desire sex--but yes, there is a difference.

If you've been talking to a dude for some time, and he brings up sex, and you trust him, then sure, go ahead and tell him that you're asexual.

If you've only known dude for a short while and he brings up sex, and you don't trust him, then no, don't bring up that you're asexual.

If you've only known dude for a short while and he brings up sex, and you do trust him, then sure, go ahead and tell him that you're asexual.

This is not the same thing as stringing someone along. An asexual's own feelings regarding sex and the compromises they're willing to make weigh in a lot, and they all make up for different, unique scenarios.

If an asexual was completely repulsed by sex, knew very well that they'd never enjoy it and would never do it, and didn't say anything when sex first came up, then yeah, that's stringing 'em along.

I also suggest that if you know you want a sex free relationship you should actively seek another asexual in the first place.

And I am 100% in agreement with that, because unless you're hooking up with a sexual who has little to no sex drive or . . . something along those lines . . . and you're not with another asexual, then that means you're going to be with someone who is very, very, very incompatible with you on a sexual level, which is one of the most important areas in romance for most people.

. . . And just to be clear:

There is nothing wrong with being honest about your sexual orientation on your dating profile, so that those who are not willing to put time and energy into dating an asexual don't have to.

The only social media site that I haven't explicitly said I'm asexual on is Facebook, and even then I re-post things regarding asexuality every now and then (not that I get on all that often in the first place . . .) so it's not like I'm hiding. I'm not on any dating websites, but if I was I would certainly mention it.

If you're on a dating profile then yes, I suggest you put that you're asexual because no, you don't want to waste your time with people who aren't going to be okay with that anymore than people who aren't going to be okay with that want to waste time with an asexual.

To try to wrap up here:

When I'm talking about how silly this "third date" rule is, I am NOT saying that everyone should follow my lead. I am NOT saying that everyone should wait until at least one person who is dating has "I think I like you" feelings and should never say anything before then. I am NOT saying that it's silly to say that you're asexual by the first, second, or third date.

I AM saying that saying that everyone should do that is ridiculous.

When I was talking to Serran on the other thread, it was pretty clear why they'd reveal their asexuality from the first to third date, and there is nothing wrong with that. They have a lot of individual experiences and reasons that are all perfectly sound and completely understandable. If Star Bit wants to talk about their asexuality by the first date then that's perfectly fine and wonderful and understandable. If anyone at all wants to talk about their asexuality by the third date or whatever, then that's completely understandable. I am not judging ANYONE who wants to talk about their orientation early! That's fine! More often than not I'm the same, if you'll believe it.

What I am saying is that people are far, far too complex to be boxed into first dates and third dates, and relationships between two or more people are even more so. When to explain your orientation HAS to be judged as to how the dating's going, the timing, etc. It makes no sense to accuse one person of stringing someone along because they haven't said they're asexual by the fourth date when in reality someone else might be stringing someone along by the second.

The third date rule does not work because it attempts to put everyone on the same level, when in fact everyone is different.

[nanogretchen4]

If you are dating someone and the topic of sex comes up and you don't trust them, you can break up with them right then and there without coming out. There is no way to say that you don't want sex now without admitting that you don't want sex ever that is not stringing along. But hey, if you don't trust the person and it's already extremely obvious that you're sexually incompatible, why would you want to go on additional dates with them anyway?

[Starlit Sky]

If you're asking me, rather than just people in general: I tend to be picky with who I go on dates with anyway and I don't give my trust out easily (barely at all, which is a problem). Thus, it'd depend on what I really mean by "I don't trust them." Is it because I have a reason to not trust them, or is it just because I don't really know them that well? If it's the former then nah, I wouldn't go out with them again in the first place. If it's the second then I would, so long as the previous date(s) were pretty good and we seemed fairly compatible, and la-la-la along those lines. When I've talked to some people in the past they've questioned why I would date someone I didn't trust to begin with--but what those people don't understand is that if I wanted to protect myself from all the people I didn't trust, leaving my room would be a rare day indeed, as would letting anyone in it. Dating--and socializing in general--is at least partially a healing method for me, and a part of doing that is to, yes, do things I'm afraid of doing (which includes agreeing to dates with people I don't know very well).

For other people . . . well, for other people it could also be a matter of dating an either total or nearly total stranger. Otherwise, I don't know.

Anyway, back to the sex thing.

I seem to be on the fence of agreeing with you and not agreeing with you (in that it would be stringing them along). Ultimately I'm still in the favor of saying no, it's not, even though I can understand why other people would disagree. Since I started talking about my disagreements with what many people on AVEN think about dating here, I've also started talking about it in real life. I've talked to five other sexuals so far that I know personally, and all of them have agreed that, no, an asexual doesn't need to reveal their orientation by the first / third date. I only talked to three of them about when sex comes up, though, and none of them felt like it would be deceitful if an asexual didn't talk about their orientation when sex first came up unless the asexual said something more like, "Later I'd love to," or, you know, anything along those lines--anything that would suggest that they would like it and it'd be soon. The people I talked to feel that an asexual could turn down sex and it not be deceitful.

Obviously, they don't represent all of Allosexualdom. That is just their opinions, and in case you're tempted to say that they were probably really biased because of who they were talking to, I was afraid of that as well, so I tried to make sure to stay as objective as possible and just let them talk. Furthermore, it's not like these were just quick questions, either . . . I wanted to really, really find out what they felt about the subject. With one girl we spent like an hour talking about this. . . . The results were the same for the particular people I talked to: no, it wouldn't be deceitful.

However, that's not me claiming that their opinions are everyone else's, because everyone has their own, individual feelings and experiences that influence our decisions and whatnot. It is me saying, though, that not every sexual thinks it would be a terrible thing. It seems to also depend a lot on how the asexual would say it, what their body language was, etc.

That being said, when sex comes up I've almost always went ahead and told them I was asexual . . . unless I just ended up plain not liking the person, in which case I wouldn't owe them crap anyway. If we were talking online, though, that's usually the time where I either tell them goodbye or stop talking to them (like I said earlier, I note that I'm asexual in all websites, and if they're talking to me about sex that means either they're too lazy to read or they just don't care, so whatever interest I had just went to zero). Sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn't go well, but I find it easier to go ahead and say that.

Even then, though, I don't personally feel like an asexual is stringing someone along if they don't explain their orientation when the topic of sex comes up. I just don't. The sexuals I've talked to have had a pretty strong influence on me, I admit. If they had all felt differently then I would have different opinions, I'm sure . . . but they didn't, so I don't.

[nanogretchen4]

Well, this is just one reason why visibility is so important. Right now, quite a large percentage of the sexuals who know much about asexuality are those who have somehow found themselves in an incompatible relationship with one. I doubt this is giving the asexual community as positive a public image as could be desired. If more asexuals come out that will at least dilute these negative first impressions with neutral or positive ones. Also, as sexuals become better informed they will become less gullible targets for those who seek to date them while concealing their sexual orientation. This would be great news for everyone except a handful of people who are using concealment strategically.

[Starlit Sky]

I really have to disagree with you there. There are a lot of sexuals who have never been in a relationship with an asexual who still know about it, particularly among those in LGBT+ communities. When I was in high school I also didn't even have to explain anything about asexuality to one of my friends, because he already knew it all. There seem to be more sexuals who know about asexuality and have never been in a relationship with an asexual than there are otherwise. That's not to say that this is widespread, obviously, but I'm sure it's more than what you seem to have in mind.

And, of course, not talking about asexuality by the first or third date is not using concealment. Sigh. Believe it or not, nanogretchen, but not every sexual would call that deceitful . . . and no, I've never been on a date with any of the ones I talked to, if that's what you're trying to get at.

[Null_and_Void]

While you have no obligation to, I would like you to take a quick look at this site's name. The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. The entire purpose it to spread information about asexuality, as not many people know about or understand it. No, your family and friends don't have any business knowing about your sexuality, but know that if you did come out and explain it to them, you'd be doing your part in educating them and making it that much easier on people in the future to be accepted by spreading the word.

[Ashmedai]

As others have said, there isn't any obligation to. I did come out a long time ago, out of a matter of nothing more than self confidence about it. I didn't care whether or not I got flak for it, which I did get a bit of. If you do come out, that's one thing to prepare for, some people may be accepting, some might not. Other than that, it's all up to you.