Self-study with kissing - Any thoughts on my observations?

[Bezzy-Loo]

EDIT: The latest on all this is over here.

Lead-up to the point:

Presently, I am mentally/emotionally in a place where I am forbidding myself from relationships. My last relationship ended a few months ago, and though the breakup itself went about as well as such things can go, the reasons were a mess of issues I need to work on (mostly my own mental health stuff) and things I need to figure out (a pattern of "falling out of love" that haunts me and makes my other issues that much worse).

This past week, I got a visit from a friend who I was meeting in person for the first time. Though we have made it clear to each other that it is indeed a friendship, and we are merely "cuddle buddies," it's also known between us that we'd both like something more than mere friendship - a fact that I, the one who firmly says "no," am also the one to bring up the most. The visit was lovely, but the circumstances had me paying very close attention to how I felt and why various thoughts hung around in my head.

My friend takes great pride in his willpower and self control, and is one of those who firmly believes in waiting until after marriage for things like sex (though he is a regular heterosexual guy), so I felt pretty at ease with what he told me was fine. Aside from some anxiety issues that he repeatedly and patiently put down, I got to hug and cuddle him as much as I wanted, and he further helped with the reassurance that all was fine by frequently initiating the contact himself. Although I was certainly aware that we'd look like a couple to any outsiders, I understand my desire for physical contact well enough not to think too much on it.

The part that kept pestering me was thoughts of kissing. It frequently buzzed around in my head, especially when we were relaxing to movies or the like. I recognize kissing as specifically a romantic gesture (the sort I was thinking about, at least; I was more at ease with kissing his cheek), but I do not trust myself to have a lasting relationship, and I know that he has no interest in a temporary relationship. Because I had already entrusted him with so much, I eventually admitted that the idea of kissing him kept buzzing around in my head - and hoped that, like so much else, simply mentioning it would make it go away.

But it didn't. It kept coming up, and I mentioned it and my frustration with it a few more times. He maintained a strictly neutral response each time, until finally he mentioned the whole doing a thing while one had the chance. Heh, that made me immediately, say "nope" and walk away, and he just chuckled and said, "And sometimes that's the right answer, too."

The continuing thoughts about kissing him were still something I needed to figure out though, and while I took a quick break from the movie we were watching, I tried to figure it out. I felt it was not a desire to kiss him (hence my avoidance of the term thus far), but rather a sense that it was somehow the appropriate thing to do under the circumstances. It was less "I want to kiss him" and more "a kiss is the next stage in the story." I think that I have experienced a desire to kiss in the past, and it seemed there was a physical want on top of the thoughts, but this was just thoughts.

I shared this thought with him, and he continued to be very patient as it still kept coming up (always with apologies from me for bringing it up yet again). He still kept pretty neutral, though he did begin to very gently encourage me to "just get it out of my system," assuring me that it was one of the many things he had prepared himself for before coming to visit and that he thus would not allow it to actually affect him. (Incidentally, I would love to know what it's like in his brain.)

Eventually, I did kiss him, though without warning and rather poorly. It was a bit embarrassing, and I hoped that was the end of it, but... it wasn't. I wanted a do-over, but I already felt stupid for going for it once, and apologized. He later informed me (when I had brought it up again) that it was fine, that more kisses without actually being in a romantic relationship would also be fine, just not "make-out sessions." It seemed a bit vague to me, and later I worked up the nerve to request an example. It was a bit more than I expected, still very much a romantic kiss (even though still not a very good one, yay nerves...), and I think I enjoyed it, but it's really hard for me to tell what I actually enjoy when I'm nervous.

Another conversation he and I had concerned social interaction in general. He is very much an introvert, to the point that he will apparently intentionally drive most people away - but he readily acknowledges that he still has a need to interact with other human beings sometimes. Meanwhile, I sit right in the middle of the introversion/extroversion scale, but do not typically seek out interaction. I simply wait for someone else to initiate and keep most everyone at elbow's length (yes, I mean that as less than full-arm's length). The exceptions are these times there'll be one or two specific people that I attach to, who I will seek interaction with as much as I feel I can without spooking them.

Overall, I feel like I've managed to do a better breakdown of my thoughts and feelings, but... I'm not sure how those thoughts and feelings compare to the norm. I still feel that it's more like I'm playing out the story as it's expected to go rather than following my own desires, but I don't really know. If it's the former, then although I can't clearly remember much from my previous relationships, it could potentially help to explain their eventual failure. At the same time, because of that memory fog, I also know that it could just be the fear stunting the experience now.

[binary suns]

maybe you are grey romantic, maybe you are quiromanitc, maybe you are aromantic and just like kissing.

I am demiromantic. there are four people in my past who I develeped a romantic crush on after they became a person in my past. awkward xD

I like kissing. I enjoy it, but tbh I feel less comfortable if it's clear that it's considered romantic. I just enjoy the way it feels.

I totally feel an urge to kiss in consistent situations, times when it feels "expected" or like the next stage. this is especially the case if their face is near mine.

also, I do enjoy sensuality, and am greysexual. when I'm sexually attracted to a person, I want to kiss them - and kissing them is very arousing for me. sensually speaking, I like kissing people's shoulders, chest, arms, and face (not lips) like, randomly, shortly, kind of like a kitty will randomly lick you for some weird reason. just sort of... I feel affectionate, and we're cuddling, and so I just kiss them where my face is currently, and then go back to cuddling... (i mean I do like lip-kissing too, but it isn't out of affection that I do it, it's purely out of how much sensation there is when someone's soft and dexterous lips are against/interacting with my sensitive and dexterous lips)

ps. heh, ironically, I've never actually kissed someone who I was romantically attracted to - since they were no longer in contact with me by the time my romantic feelings developed xD

[ShadowSneak]

It sounds to me like you have found yourself a great guy who is willing to take things as slow as you want to. He even respects when you want to stop. I think you should enjoy this guy's company and not worry so much about how things are "supposed to go" because things will always play out differently for different people.

Oh, also... My boyfriend is Heterosexual and I think I can provide some insight into why he said "no make-out sessions," extended kissing sessions are very passionate and romantic; he's probably worried he might get carried away and try something that you wouldn't want to do or would regret doing. I had many similar conversations in the beginning of my relationship about why my boyfriend would have to create some distance between us as we were cuddling. (It was because he would have the urge to kiss me and at the time I wasn't okay with kissing.)

Your friend seems to have quite the willpower as he states, you should feel comfortable around him, as he sounds quite trustworthy. Hopefully, your nerves will go away ^_^