Starbogen Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 Some years ago I started identifying as asexual mainly because I didn't want to have sex with anyone ever, and even when I tried just imagining the idea of it I couldn't visualize myself having sex with anyone. I knew I could find people aesthetically attractive, and the idea of those people in a sexual context (with someone else) could make me aroused, but I personally never felt the desire to touch or to be touched in any sexual way. Fast forward to now and I've figured out that I'm trans, and in the course of that I started experimenting with sex with a friend of mine. We only ever have phone sex for a number of reasons but during these fantasies that we create we always just imagine me as if I was a cis male, and I've realized that when I picture myself like that I have no problem at all with the idea of having sex. It's incredibly different to how I felt when I used to try to imagine myself with my biological body having sex. When I did it that way the idea of that body supposedly being "me" and being exposed and being in that situation was really really really uncomfortable and disturbing no matter the position or the partner or whatever, so much that I could never really even imagine it. And that feeling was a big reason for why I figured I was probably asexual. But when I just imagine myself as having a male body, the idea of sex is at least "okay" if not exactly desirable. It doesn't matter if the hypothetical partner would be male or female or other or what position I was in or any of that it feels like something that I could do and (as long as it wasn't super kinky sex) I wouldn't be significantly uncomfortable with doing, and I might also enjoy it and want to do it again sometimes; so when I thought about it that way it really seemed like the main reason I was/am uncomfortable with the idea of sex is because I'm uncomfortable with my body. But does that mean that on some level I'm sexual? Or that I would had been sexual had I been cis? That's what I'm wondering now.. And at the moment I'd still want to identify as asexual because it's at least accurate in the sense that I don't feel the desire to have sex with anyone. Still, I do find people attractive, and maybe I would want to do that stuff with them if I felt like I could. Then there's also the fact that there are tons of other trans people who experience bottom dysphoria and dysphoria in general but they're still aware that they're sexual, so I don't know. Does anyone else feel like that or think this might also at least partly be the case for them? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 Yah, not having the right body can prevent sexuality from developing; it's a common trans thing. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mezzo Forte Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 It's funny, when I came out to myself as trans, I really wondered if what you said might be the case for me too. (I feel like HRT has an interesting relationship with sexuality, and it's not unusual for people's orientations to shift as a result of becoming more comfortable in their own skin.) My gut tells me that I'd likely have been ace even if I were cismale though. If you don't mind TMI: I'm pretty sure dysphoria is why I would basically say "fuck no" to any form of insertion. Even before I knew I was trans, I had at least one person wonder if my asexuality was related to my revulsion to the thought of getting pregnant, so while I don't think that's why I'm asexual, it probably had some effect on how I think about sex. If I were cismale, I think I would really enjoy things like handjobs, but I still don't really "get" kissing or most forms of sex. I really like massages, so sexual activities that are massage-like tend to make more sense in my head. (Go figure that I'm saying this even though I see massages as largely platonic. :lol) If HRT gave me a libido, then I certainly haven't noticed yet, so this has all been a non issue anyways. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Starlit Sky Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 Well, I would personally say that if your discomfort with your body is the reason for your lack of sex drive, then you aren't (and never actually were) asexual. And that is in no way a bad thing! Many people--even those who are cis-gendered--are uncomfortable with sex because of body issues. I am not sure if this is a common trans thing or not, but from other posts it seems like it is! Anyway . . . right now, you don't really know if you'll like sex or not, if you had the body that you wanted. Maybe you would; maybe you wouldn't. And if once you are comfortable in your body, and it turns out that you do desire sex, then I guess you're sexual (or gray-a/sexual, or whatever), and that'll be awesome! On the other hand, if it turns out that you still don't desire sex, then you were right all along and you're asexual, and that'll be awesome! Right now, this does not mean that on some level you are sexual. The only thing that will make you a sexual is if you experience sexual attraction (because sexual attraction is something that all sexuals experience) and a desire to have sex (because this is another thing that all sexuals experience). You might be in the gray area, as I said just a bit ago. You might be more gray-A or gray-sexual, and either way is wonderful! But no, for right now I wouldn't say that it would be "correct" (in the logical sense) to assume that you're sexual. If you wanted to say that you're questioning your orientation, or something like that, then that wouldn't be a bad thing! ^_^ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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