Can you tell if you're aro if you don't date anyone?

[Rosette]

Can you tell if you're aro if you don't date anyone?

Because I've technically dated two people. One in RL and the other not. I didn't really like the RL one as much else other than a friend and hasn't yet felt anything like love towards anyone. The other person, I did love them and still do, but now just as a best friend now because things didn't work out for us.

I don't know if I'm just awkward in general or what. But I can't tell when someone likes me, I get confused when they do romantic or nice things (like the RL guy would open doors for me and such and it bothered me to no end even though I knew he was just being nice). And with that RL relationship, I got depressed for a couple of months until eventually he broke up with me, all due to me not wanting to talk about or participate in sexual things or just jokes about such things.

EDIT:

For another thing.. I can never tell when someone likes me or is flirting with me. I'm always having to be told afterwards by other people around me that the person who had been talking to me was flirting. To me it just seems like normal talking. I'm oblivious to it. :P And it's happened on quite a few occasions so I know it wasn't just a one time thing.

[sindi]

Do you mean "can you say that you're aro even if you have dated people"? If that's the question you're going for, then yes, of course. Just like you can definitely be asexual even if you have had sex.

[Guest]

I can relate to some of the things you say there, I had similar issues too when i was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend, it was all so super confusing and annoying that we just ended our relationship after a few months. I honestly can't really tell whenever you know that you know that you are aromantic but it helped me alot to figure it out when i was in a relationship. This doesn't mean that it's mandatory for you to follow the same way i did.

Small tip: You might want to change the title of your thread to make sure your question comes across more clearly to the people who use this forum. I honestly was a bit confused untill i clicked your thread title, then i understood what you wanted to ask :)

[Starlit Sky]

On the other hand, if your question is something like, "can you tell if you're aro if you don't date anyone?"--then the answer is no, not really. Some people know that they're either romantic or aromantic regardless of whether they date or they don't date. :)

[Rosette]

On the other hand, if your question is something like, "can you tell if you're aro if you don't date anyone?"--then the answer is no, not really. Some people know that they're either romantic or aromantic regardless of whether they date or they don't date. :)

Ah, I see. So it just depends on the person then. Some people can say they are without having to while others need to be in relationships to know for sure or find out. Makes sense.

I can relate to some of the things you say there, I had similar issues too when i was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend, it was all so super confusing and annoying that we just ended our relationship after a few months. I honestly can't really tell whenever you know that you know that you are aromantic but it helped me alot to figure it out when i was in a relationship. This doesn't mean that it's mandatory for you to follow the same way i did.

Small tip: You might want to change the title of your thread to make sure your question comes across more clearly to the people who use this forum. I honestly was a bit confused untill i clicked your thread title, then i understood what you wanted to ask :)

Ah, I see. I mean, I sort of got an idea when I did date but at the same time I don't know what part of it's just general awkwardness or not. Like I was bothered by the one guy kissing me just on the cheek. Yet at the same time with the online relationship, I actually did want to kiss him occasionally even though it wasn't an actual person-to-person kind of relationship. So it kind of makes me wonder if I would still have wanted to do such things if I actually was around them. And I'm honestly not sure if I would have or not.

How would I go about changing the title? I haven't had to for threads yet and just couldn't think of what to name this one when I'd made it. o.o

[nanogretchen4]

A lot of people have had unrequited romantic feelings for someone before they actually start dating. These feelings can be unmistakeable and very painful. So it is definitely possible for some people to rule out aromanticism before they start dating.

[Snao Cone]

I've never had an official relationship, which is how I know I'm aro. I've been presented with opportunities for relationships with people by all rational accounts I should have wanted to be with, or at least give it a try. But I've just been unmoved by them, ultimately, by no fault of the person, and to no misery or loneliness for me.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I made a video about this question a while back. However, an interesting reply came up just yesterday. If you don't date, but you are demiromantic, then you might instead believe yourself to be aromantic. I haven't come up with a good response yet, because logically that does make sense.

I believe that you can know you are asexual without having sex. So, it follows that you can know you are aromantic without dating.

[Guest]

Ah, I see. I mean, I sort of got an idea when I did date but at the same time I don't know what part of it's just general awkwardness or not. Like I was bothered by the one guy kissing me just on the cheek. Yet at the same time with the online relationship, I actually did want to kiss him occasionally even though it wasn't an actual person-to-person kind of relationship. So it kind of makes me wonder if I would still have wanted to do such things if I actually was around them. And I'm honestly not sure if I would have or not.

How would I go about changing the title? I haven't had to for threads yet and just couldn't think of what to name this one when I'd made it. o.o

You can change the title by hitting the edit button and then you see an option that says: Full editor, if you hit that you can change the title! I totally understand you there, I wasn't too sure either untill i started dating my ex boyfriend, then i discovered i wasn't interested in romance at all, I enjoy it if it's fictional and can fantasize about it all day but in real life? No thanks. I remember hating every single romantic idea he had and being bored having to hold hands and watch a movie or just watching him playing games.. I was happy when we ended our relationship and have never searched for one again.Just take your time when searching for the right term for you, it took me a while to understand myself too.

[Rosette]

Ah, I see. I mean, I sort of got an idea when I did date but at the same time I don't know what part of it's just general awkwardness or not. Like I was bothered by the one guy kissing me just on the cheek. Yet at the same time with the online relationship, I actually did want to kiss him occasionally even though it wasn't an actual person-to-person kind of relationship. So it kind of makes me wonder if I would still have wanted to do such things if I actually was around them. And I'm honestly not sure if I would have or not.

How would I go about changing the title? I haven't had to for threads yet and just couldn't think of what to name this one when I'd made it. o.o

You can change the title by hitting the edit button and then you see an option that says: Full editor, if you hit that you can change the title! I totally understand you there, I wasn't too sure either untill i started dating my ex boyfriend, then i discovered i wasn't interested in romance at all, I enjoy it if it's fictional and can fantasize about it all day but in real life? No thanks. I remember hating every single romantic idea he had and being bored having to hold hands and watch a movie or just watching him playing games.. I was happy when we ended our relationship and have never searched for one again.Just take your time when searching for the right term for you, it took me a while to understand myself too.

Thank you so much for the help with that. ^_^

And yeah, I was the same way really. It had taken me forever to get used to just holding hands. I eventually did and that's honestly the only thing I miss about that relationship. Everything else mostly just bothered me.

I had been leaning towards demiromantic because of the online relationship but since it ended and neither of us love each other in any other way other than just being friends, I went back to being unsure. I did like the guy a lot and thought I did love him. That and did find the 'romantic' things he'd do as being cute. But I had to get myself used to reciprocating such things as well. It got easier after learning how to which was almost like how I had to for the real relationship yet I actually truly liked the person this time. That and getting comfortable with such things but.. I honestly don't know what I would have done if it was a real relationship. I probably would have never told them I'd liked them in the first place, most likely. It took me about a year or more to do so anyways. I imagine I'd be even more worried about it if it had been a real one.

[Philip027]

Being aro isn't about whether or not you would enjoy yourself in a romantic setting, just like how being asexual isn't about whether or not you would enjoy yourself in a sexual setting. It's more about how much you feel inclined to be in or pursue those settings in the first place.

[umi12345]

I've never had an official relationship, which is how I know I'm aro. I've been presented with opportunities for relationships with people by all rational accounts I should have wanted to be with, or at least give it a try. But I've just been unmoved by them, ultimately, by no fault of the person, and to no misery or loneliness for me.

>should have wanted to be with

I don't think that's really how it works. You don't just fulfill a checklist and suddenly get some romantic attraction. There are unknown hidden factors.

[Rosette]

Being aro isn't about whether or not you would enjoy yourself in a romantic setting, just like how being asexual isn't about whether or not you would enjoy yourself in a sexual setting. It's more about how much you feel inclined to be in or pursue those settings in the first place.

Hm.. well I've never really felt inclined to be in a relationship. The real one I was in was kind of by accident on my part. I'd gotten to know someone over the course of a week and got to be friends with them fairly quickly. And then they'd asked me if I'd wanted to go out with them. Sadly I didn't realize at the time that I didn't like them in that sort of way. I only liked them as friend. And thus the whole relationship lasted a little over a year and by the end of it I was depressed and was actually thankful when it ended.

Meanwhile with the online one, I got to know the person over the course of years and thus got to be best friends with them. So liking them kind of came along with that eventually after spending so much time talking to them almost every day. That relationship lasted almost a year or so but then I think my realizing I was ace after a short split caused him to realize maybe things wouldn't work out. In a way though, I'm a little glad it hadn't because online I'd still be awkward with relationship things and such, occasionally. I can't imagine how I would have been if the relationship had 'actually' taken place. Though it would have been a little easier, at least I would have hoped, since I did actually like the guy.

Though I wonder if since they were really my only friend that I confuse feelings of love for friendship. I'm honestly unsure if I do. Like maybe I just thought I loved them just because I was always talking to them and know them really well. I still talk to them almost every day and they're still my best friend but I don't love them in the same way that I had.

[Rare Aztec Whstling Chickn]

No, not necessarily. Some people just know. Some might need to experience things like dating before figuring it out.

[Snao Cone]

I've never had an official relationship, which is how I know I'm aro. I've been presented with opportunities for relationships with people by all rational accounts I should have wanted to be with, or at least give it a try. But I've just been unmoved by them, ultimately, by no fault of the person, and to no misery or loneliness for me.

>should have wanted to be with

I don't think that's really how it works. You don't just fulfill a checklist and suddenly get some romantic attraction. There are unknown hidden factors.

Yes, and by not experiencing those unknown hidden factors I determined that I do not experience romantic attraction. Hence, I am aromantic.

[Guest]

I really weren't inclined to having a relationship either.

Somewhere deep down in me I knew that my version of what I seek wasn't any "normal", the type 99% out there are having, relationship.

I'm not bothered by labels so much anymore... I know what I seek now.

The only advice I can ever have, a relationship is what you both make of it. Anything is just as much valid as anyone's else. :)

[Toothlesss]

I really weren't inclined to having a relationship either.

Somewhere deep down in me I knew that my version of what I seek wasn't any "normal", the type 99% out there are having, relationship.

I'm not bothered by labels so much anymore... I know what I seek now.

The only advice I can ever have, a relationship is what you both make of it. Anything is just as much valid as anyone's else. :)

Today I became friends with someone, I wasn't getting any bad vibes from them and they didn't seem to give me the "I only want sex/romantic ideas of dating" type of vibes either.

So, I'll see how it goes.

Since we met at the Oktoberfest in town, I spoke a bit about how last time I was approached with the idea of a sexual relationship I freaked out and they seemed pretty accepting of it.