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How to deal with being asexaul?


NikoleCross1997

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NikoleCross1997

I am an 18 year old girl who has never had sex, never liked kissing or had any sexual thoughts ever. I want to feel something but nothing seems to do anything. After months of reading about it I'm pretty sure I'm asexual. How do you have relationships or can you with someone who isn't this way? I've had a bf for a few months and all we do is kiss which I'm sure irritates him but I don't think I'm capable of doing anything else. I have to force myself to do these tiny quick kisses to stay in a relationship. I'm not even sure if I like him or just don't want to be alone with no having any experience. I know I'm rambling but do you have any advice?

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Well, for me there is no "dealing" with asexuality--it simply is what it is. It is a part of me, something that I have accepted, and something that I wouldn't be the same without. Many, if not most, asexuals on AVEN are in the same boat as I am. Hopefully one day you will not feel like asexuality is something bad to be, and instead something that you know is simply another aspect of the wonderful thing that makes up you!

Anyway . . . yes, relationships between an asexual and an allosexual definitely can work! Please read Madly in Love with an Asexual Girl, which is a short introduction post here on AVEN, because I think you will enjoy it (it might be a little "sappy," to borrow the author's words, but it's something nice to read when many of the sexuals on AVEN are having more troubles than not with their asexual partners). There's also The Good Partner Thread, which, in Lady Girl's words, is "for all the sexuals to post the positives about our particular asexual partner" (but this also covers asexuals talking about their sexual partners, and aromantics talking about their QPR partners, and so on). You'll probably like that, too. I know I do! ^_^

When it comes to you not wanting sex--don't do it! You shouldn't try to do something you just don't think you're able to do. Before you enter a relationship, I believe it's important to discuss these things openly with your partner. Since you're already dating a guy, I think it would be best for you to sit down with him and have a conversation about your feelings regarding sex. If he doesn't already know about asexuality, then now is probably the time to tell him! There are all kinds of compromises people can do, depending on their nature. If the two of you are okay with it, for example, then he can have sex with another person, but I've also heard of relationships that go on where the sexual will masturbate in private, and that is enough for them.

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Welcome to AVEN :cake:

I'm in a relationship and we don't kiss. it's absolutely possible to have a healthy, happy relationship that isn't based on physical or sexual intimacy.

I don't "deal" with being asexual.... I celebrate it. I'm so blessed to be who I am, and I love who I am. That being said, it took me a really long time to discover who I am, and to find comfort in living my life. I'm also the kind of person who doesn't want to be alone, I relate to you saying you're not sure if you like him or if you're afraid of being alone... :cake:

If you don't want to kiss, don't want to have sex, etc, you shouldn't force yourself to. You shouldn't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do. Yes, this means that some relationships will end, or not even begin, but that doesn't mean you'll live your entire life alone.

I hope you find the answers you seek :cake:

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  • 1 year later...

@NikoleCross1997 you are asexual, and that is quite ok, and there is not really anything you can do to change that. Stay true and honest to that, and dont promise anything or act like you want eventually to have sex. Most people wants sex and wants to be with someone who also wants them, therefore your dating pool is a bit more limited regarding potential life partners. But you could focus on being open towards making a best buddy, and if they want to do more than you like, but you would like to keep them, then make an effort to explain asexuality. Be prepared for odd comments, silly suggestions and questions about fair compromises! 

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Honestly, the big thing with aces having relationships with people who do experience sexual attraction or not is not whether they're ace or not, but whether they're sex repulsed, sex neutral, or sex positive. 

 

Like, some aces don't have any real interest in sex, but it doesn't bother them. For example, they might actually like it once they do it but just have no desire to initiate (like some people are about showering). These people only really have the challenge of a partner feeling undesirable, which is something people who do experience sexual attraction need in a relationship.  Others might not particularly like it, but enjoy how happy it makes a partner or see it as no more troublesome than folding laundry. These people could still be with a partner who experiences attraction, but they'd also have additional challenges that couples who experience mutual sexual attraction have with a libido mismatch or the dreaded scheduling of physical intimacy.  Or they might be repulsed. It's very hard for sex-repulsed aces to have a relationship with someone who experiences strong sexual attraction unless that person's libido is very low, sex is impossible for medical reasons, or the relationship is open.

 

Some people will tell you that nevermind kisses, you need to figure out if you would find actual sex less repulsive than kissing. While this is actually possible, even for someone strongly repulsed by kisses, I don't recommend charging in like that. If you actually are fully sex-repulsed and rush into sex that can be very hurtful and unpleasant, can sink a relationship fast, and can actually complicate your health care if you're female or were assigned as such at birth. My recommendation to you would be to read up on what people who experience sexual attraction in your culture/faith/what have you are expected to do to explore their sexuality before partnered sex and see if any of it seems interesting or palatable to you. If it doesn't, that's fine. Don't push yourself. Don't do anything that doesn't sound good. 

 

I'm not suggesting this to invalidate your aceness at all, but we all get those questions about well did you try this and did you try that. Some of us find it's easier if we can say yes, and I didn't like it. Some of us regret trying so hard in the pursuit of the ability to give those answers. The point of this is to give you options to seek the answers you want. You don't have to take this any further than you have and there are some choices if you want to explore more. 

 

Aces are not doomed to spend their life alone, but those of us who are sex-repulsed do have very small pools of potential partners, especially if our romantic attraction is limited. I choose not to navigate that challenge despite wanting romantic companionship, but I have seen aces on dating sites. You're not alone, so don't feel like you have to "settle."

 

TLDR: Don't do anything you don't want to do!

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On 13/10/2017 at 7:27 AM, grayacehulk said:

Honestly, the big thing with aces having relationships with people who do experience sexual attraction or not is not whether they're ace or not, but whether they're sex repulsed, sex neutral, or sex positive. 

 

Like, some aces don't have any real interest in sex, but it doesn't bother them. For example, they might actually like it once they do it but just have no desire to initiate (like some people are about showering). These people only really have the challenge of a partner feeling undesirable, which is something people who do experience sexual attraction need in a relationship.  Others might not particularly like it, but enjoy how happy it makes a partner or see it as no more troublesome than folding laundry. 

...and it can change from 'session' to 'session', or even during! "This actually feels nice, keep going!" Or "not, today!"

 

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11 hours ago, MrDane said:

...and it can change from 'session' to 'session', or even during! "This actually feels nice, keep going!" Or "not, today!"

Definitely! Even people who experience sexual attraction and do so typically have repulsed days. I've had friends and exes who've talked about this and seemed relieved at my acceptance of it before they realized that was me all the time.

 

Sexuality or lack thereof should always be about what YOU want or don't want to do. Not about a label.  Labels are useful to create or break down expectations in others, not to limit ourselves. 

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main thing is you've just gotta accept you wont ever feel these things. Its hard to come to terms with.

 

you need to start living for you. if you are scared to be alone then you should probably face that fear girl.

 

its possible for an asexual and a sexual to date although you will need to face difficult compromises.

 

GOOD LUCK GIRL :cake: 

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Locked due to necromancy.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

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