Am I Asexual or Just Scared? And a bunch more of my questions

[hunterblackwood]

I have been recently sexuality and identity as a person, but am just kind of disgusted by sex and even semi sexual things. I do want a relationship but at this point in my life wouldn't want it to go any farther than kissing. (I have kissed a girl but not a guy and didn't mind it but i just didn't like her) I have dated guys but have always ended them because I just didn't like them. My problem is I'm interested in the concept of dating but once I do it I get bored and annoyed. I have never dated a girl tho but want to but also don't identify as bi, pan, or anything. I'm thinking it might be that I like the concept of straight dating on tv but its not the same as real life. So I have also been thinking maybe I'm lesbian and ace, but I get crushes on guys but so far no farther attraction towards the male gender. I'm also worried that I will start identifying as asexual and will change that somewhere in the future, even tho I can't really see that happening. Also the though of being asexual scares me. There is really no reason for feeling that but I don't want to be that different. Sure there are all of you guys but I have never met another openly ace person. Sex is just something that society has made me feel like I need to be happy and for some reason I can't let go of that.

Thank you so much to anyone who answers! Sorry if this was really confusing.

[partial]

I used to ask the same question as you. "Am I asexual or just scared?"

I turned out to be both, except I eventually did have sex and occasionally I still do, but generally only for the sake of making my partner happy. Sex can be a scary thing, especially the first time around. I can't really answer your question as it's more of a personal thing that you'll have to decide for yourself, but if I had to guess I'd say you're probably asexual. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Yes, it's so irritating to have society push their sexual obsession onto us, but we have to do what we can to ignore it. There are probably more accepting people in the world now than there ever have been before, so you'll come across someone who will accept that you may or may not like sex. It'll take time, though.

There are some asexuals that have sex regularly, as far as I know. So if you do get into the habit of having sex, that doesn't mean you have to identify as --sexual. (Homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, ect.) You can still be asexual, or you can choose not to label yourself until you feel ready. No need to rush.

I know this wasn't particularly helpful, but I just thought I would throw in my 2 cents.

[Star Bit]

I'm thinking it might be that I like the concept of straight dating on tv but its not the same as real life.

Correct, these are two different things. What you like the concept of and what you desire for you yourself are different. But you get crushes. Or perhaps you're confusing it with another type of attraction. Every romantic also has their own preferences in a relationship, so maybe you're receiving affection you don't reciprocate (as a whole or it's overly reciprocated)

List of attractions:

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but they aren't needed to make it valid. They can all be felt separately, without romantic attraction, and in different combinations. The desire to act in a certain way can also be separate from the attraction (e.g. sexual attraction with no sexual desire/desire to act on it, or romantic desire with no romantic attraction), but constantly having either of those means the person is sexual/romantic/gray.

· Sexual attraction - the impulse to have sex with a specific person; to give/receive genital involving things from them. Synonyms are sexually alluring, sexually appealing, sexually enticing, sexually tempting, etc.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). This is the base requirement, but some people also have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those can also be symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc.

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their beauty and/or mannerisms, which is different from just recognizing good looks/what’s aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the impulse to have non-genital physical contact with someone specific.

· Platonic attraction - (aka a friend crush or squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the impulse to further know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, to close friends, to best friends. It may include nervousness or admirance, and once the desired bond is reached the squish goes away.

• And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

But if they are crushes then perhaps you're Lithromantic; a type of Gray-aromantic in which reciprocation causes loss of interest, aversion, or repulsion. Or if it fades over time, Frayromantic. Also, a negative self-perspective can effect how you react to reciprocation (brief vid

). If your orientation changes in the future then you can change it then. Base your orientation on what you know now and not theory.

Also the though of being asexual scares me. There is really no reason for feeling that but I don't want to be that different. Sure there are all of you guys but I have never met another openly ace person.

Being asexual is at the same rate of being gay or bi (1 to 2% each), so you're not the only one in the minority or that has trouble finding a partner. People that are attracted to the opposite gender can just "go to the grocery store and find a partner where as every other minority hast to go to events and specific bars to find a partner." There are asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN and asexual dating sites, as well as a minority of sexual people are ok with a sexless relationship.