Maybe asexual and not gray-A?

[Equinox12]

I am 16 years old and recently, I think that maybe I'm actually asexual or even aromantic too. When I came here, I thought I was partially ace and aromantic but I didn't really understand sexual or romantic attraction. If I did date, I'd only want to date guys. However, for whatever reason, I don't like 'dating' even if other people do it. Actually, I don't care if it's people I don't know or if it's older people but when it's my friends, I feel weird about it. I doubt that's related to my sexuality but I feel like maybe it's related to this somehow, maybe not. It changes them and I think, "They're trying to act grown up but they're not." Pretty harsh. So, I don't know why but I don't like, want or need romance or sex. I feel very strange because all everyone ever talks about (at school) is virginity or masturbation or how they don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. I don't like to be touched at all. I don't like people in my personal space (I like at least 12cm space between myself and them). I don't masturbate, I've tried before because it kind of felt like a requirement to try to and it was uninteresting. Same with porn, which I saw a few times because I felt like I should. It was too, I think explicit is the word and I found it boring overall too. I am a virgin and I'm actually a bit proud of that, despite the fact that I think it's stupid to treat sex like an ultimate goal and treat virginity like some prize.

I don't know if people really do that but that's the vibe I'm getting. Like virginity is something to take or lose ASAP. Like sex is the one of the most important achievements of high school or life, really. I just don't want to do it. I don't feel like I need to or I want to. For some reason, the idea of non-sexual physical contact (kissing, hand holding, etc) is worse than sexual contact to me. I don't know why, it probably has to do with disliking touch and I don't think those things would feel good. I don't even know if I've had crushes or if I know how arousal feels. I think I have had a crush a grand total of one time, I think I'm capable of developing romantic feelings but...I don't feel like it's going to happen anytime soon and I don't care.

I used to think that I had a crush on a guy, who I 'like' right now but I've realized that it may not be romantic feelings. If he got a girlfriend, it'd make me upset because he wouldn't spend as much time with me and it'd mean he didn't like guys but I don't want to have sex with him or do anything romantic. I mean, if he wanted to have sex or kiss then maybe, but I'd find it weird. Because honestly, I don't need him to be my boyfriend, I just want him to be my best friend. The closest best friend I have and then I wouldn't need to date anyone. I'd like if we could have a special term for that but I'm not sure if there is. I would like for us to be 'monogamous' though, as in, I wouldn't like us to date others as well.

I don't like how everyone keeps insisting that I'll want to date or have sex someday. I really can't see it happening. Unless I felt like it was another requirement, like they're making it seem. I say that I'm celibate and gray-A/gay but sometimes (a lot of the time) I want to change it because 'celibate' is something that could be changed or 'helped' and gray-A sounds like I'm fairly sexual. I don't want people to know about the guy that I have the 'crush' on because I don't want them to see me as a sexual person. I would just like it if they didn't associate those things with me at all.

Does it sound like I'm 100% asexual instead of gray-A? I wish I were asexual because that would mean that there would be a reason for all these feelings...is there anyone here who relates to how I feel?

[binary suns]

the reason I ID as grey is because I feel aroused sometimes when I think of of people I'm sexually attracted to, or their doing stuff with me. I mean, the fact that I feel aroused when I think of them is what tells me I'm sexually attracted to them. but I just can never feel comfortable thinking of sexual contact with my "crushes". just, I like the thought of flattery and cuddling with them, with the few people I'm attracted to such things are arousing. but with everyone else such things at most make me blush and that's it.

it's probably not the same for every grey-ace why they identify as grey.

I am aromantic. I like people, but I never care to be more than friends with anyone, really. I love being friends with the people I admire the most. It's popular in the aromantic community to talk about a squish instead of a crush.. the feelings of infatuation, or the desire to get to know someone, or both, that is felt for potential friends.