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General and yet kinda specific advice needed ASAP


n.triteleia

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Hey all, thanks for "tuning in". So, I'm in a bit of a predicament. There's this guy, Mead, that I know from camp a couple summers ago. He lives almost a thousand miles away, however. (Just for background, you know.)

He and I text as much as possible because we love chatting and whatnot. Sometimes a few days will go by when he doesn't text me back, and I know that happens because there's a lot of stuff going on with him at home right now (parents are in the middle of a divorce, it's his senior year of high school, his ex's ex is in the hospital and he blames himself (long story) and he's also getting ready to move in the near future). So shit's going down, pardon my French. And so I totally understand if he goes a couple of days without replying. Twice now, actually, we've told each other that we love each other. And I know, at least for me, that it's completely true; I am totally in love with him. And, from what he's said and how he talks, he is too. Which brings me to my predicament: he hasn't texted me back in three weeks. I don't know if he lost his phone or it got taken away or what, but I'm really worried and kind of annoyed. More worried. I just...the last thing we were talking about was what we could do together if we were both out of college (like get an apartment or travel or whatever) after we said that we loved each other. And so now that he's gone silent, I don't know what to think.

I know this was kinda long and super roundabout, but I just really need help guys. Even if you can't actually help me with this, because I don't actually think that there's much I can do besides wait, please just say something. I need help convincing myself that it's going to be okay.

Thanks for reading all the way to the end, and I hope you're having a better couple weeks than I am. :cake:

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Wow, three weeks? Is that the longest he's ever gone, or is that more average?

Hmm . . . outside of texting, how else can you guys talk to each other? I mean, do both of you use platforms like Facebook, Twitter, etc.? I imagine that if this was the case and he had lost his phone then it would have already crossed your mind to go there . . . but . . . if you don't talk there, but you have mutuals or something, then maybe you could find up what's up with that?

And by the way, when he comes back do tell him that you missed him. I mean, try not to sound angry or like you're "blaming" him or anything, but him knowing that you missed him and knowing that you don't like it when he does that (for this length of time, and assuming that he actually can help it) is likely to help in the long run. . . .

I hope I'm making sense. I need to go to bed :|

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If I understand correctly, your worry is commin from the awareness of two possbilities:

1: He completely freaked out after you said you love each other, he's having doubts about your relationship, and is ghosting you.

2: Something happened and he can't reply, or he's just super burned out by everything happening and hasn't had the energy.

I think the best course of action is to send him a message along the lines of "Hey, knowing what's going on with you, I worry when I don't hear from you for a while. Let me know if you just need some space to process, so i don't put more preassure on you."

The only person who knows why he hasn't answered back is him, unfortunetly. Going over every possibility about why isn't helpful, but is (also unfortunetly) kinda unavoidable, especially when you're this close to someone. Make sure you take care of yourself too, so if he needs to talk to you about heavy stuff, you have all your spoons (and becasue of the whole 'you matter' thing).

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Okay, so I'm gonna try to explain this better (solely by answering questions):

Brandi -> This is the longest he's ever gone without notice. It's common for two or three, or even four days to go by, though. We usually just text because he doesn't like Facebook messenger, and so that is the primary. After about two weeks, I sent him a snapchat and a message over Facebook, but he didn't open either. We also don't really have any mutual friends beyond those from camp, and I'm the only one who talks to him from there anymore, anyway. And thanks, whenever he goes silent on me and then comes back, the first thing I always tell him is that I missed him and that I was worried, so he knows that it's gonna happen whenever he "leaves".

Wiseja1987 -> I more or less sent him a message like that. I said something along the lines of I'd wait for him to text me first because I get that he's busy and might wanna take some time. This was more than a week ago. Also, what do you mean "spoons"?

I never know how long to wait before texting him because, if I had a choice, I'd check in with him everyday. But I don't know if that's annoying or whatever so after a week I stopped, and I've only sent him two or three texts after the first nine-or-so days. Which is killing me. And I agree with how unavoidable going over every single possibility is, because that's what I do every time. Thank you guys so much for trying to help!!! If what I'm trying to explain sparks anything that you think could also help, please let me know. Thank you!!!!!!!

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Oh, I mean this. It was orginally about illness, but has morphed into a general explaination of emotional resources and how you use them.

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This is a difficult situation. . . . :( And honestly, I'm not even really sure how to help you on it. Of course there's really no way to help you figure out how to get him back.

But what you really need to be doing at this point is just focus on making you happy. :) I know that might sound weird, but really it makes perfect sense! After all, you don't want to spend your life just waiting on someone to text you back, right? Of course not (and I'm not saying that that's what you were doing, either). I think right now your best bet is to just write and read and listen and play music and ride and all the other things that you enjoy doing. You could possibly even try to pick up another hobby! You can try to meet other people and make new friends, or just hang out with the friends and / or family that you do have. You can go walking and try something new and hate it, or you can try something that you've always thought you would hate to see what would happen . . . or whatever.

Did you know that when things get "intense," guys shut down? It's a coping mechanism. And if you're telling each other that you love each other, then that could definitely be intense for him! During those times--with him or with any other male (note: girls can do the same thing, but that would be closer to an individual's trait)--it will be good for you to understand how to cope with that situation, and a lot of it is to do with what I said in the above paragraph: just continue to do the things that you would do otherwise. Do your best to live and love your own life! ^_^

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PurveyorOfBadPuns

Honey, he ghosted you. It's not cool, but it's entirely probable that given what is going on in his life handling an increasingly intense relationship on top of things was too much and instead of communicating that he chose to just disappear. Easier for him, harder for you. Now it might feel weird for him to try and reconnect. It's not fair to you, but it is what it is. You've done what you can, so now it's time to step back and let him get back in touch with you or not.

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I honestly don't know what to say about this... I think he might be so busy with his problems that he might have forgotten to message you? Maybe you should try to call him so you know if he is doing ok, even if it's just to make sure everything is ok.

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I would actually say don't call him, depending on how long it's been. If just one or two weeks, then nah . . . let him come to you. If it's been three weeks or a month, maybe just text or call to see if he's okay, but if he doesn't answer or pick up the phone or answer just leave it at that. :)

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Today makes five weeks...

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I've actually been in a situation that sounds kind of similar to what you're describing. It really sucks, and I'm sorry.

You say there's a lot he's dealing with, so is there a possibility that he actually just hasn't been able to your texts at all, or have a chance to respond? For me the person sometimes had no computer access at all, so I ended up sending an actual, physical letter. If you are sure he has been receiving all your messages, then since it's been so long since you've heard from him at this point, you might want to try again to text, but definitely I totally get the worry about not being annoying with writing too much that he doesn't want to respond to.

Since you said you were worried though, are you sure he's even receiving your messages? Have you tried calling? You could even send an actual physical letter, because then at least you will be sure he'll get it. After that, there really isn't too much more you can do, so don't dwell on it as much (as impossible as that might seem). There's nothing worse than depending on a message you doubt will even come, and you don't deserve to deal with that. So find ways to enjoy yourself, knowing that you did everything right, and hopefully he will get back to you.

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Honey, he ghosted you. It's not cool, but it's entirely probable that given what is going on in his life handling an increasingly intense relationship on top of things was too much and instead of communicating that he chose to just disappear. Easier for him, harder for you.

This. He's done, and I'm sorry. He shouldn't have done that, but sometimes people get paralyzed by guilt or fear of confrontation and that's how they handle break ups.

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I honestly don't know what to say about this... I think he might be so busy with his problems that he might have forgotten to message you? Maybe you should try to call him so you know if he is doing ok, even if it's just to make sure everything is ok.

Third this. Especially after five weeks.

You'd better get over him honey. Ghosting is never nice but I actually plead guilty on having done it to people (though never for anyone serious, meaning anyone I would've said "love you" to). I've always thought people get it after the first week so I feel really horrible that you've been so hopeful for so long :(

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