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any aven members still questioning?


ambivalent4422

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ambivalent4422

how do you decide if it's an inherent lack of sexual desire after all? there were so many confounding factors in my teens & early 20s. i spent most of them depressed and stressed and certainly not up for "fun sexy times".

i live in a v family-oriented area and i'm beginning to feel a bit alone in that i did not choose this. or did i choose at all?? i can't really tell. i rather like the idea of being married to someone and having regular sex but in reality i'm not willing to take the risks to make that happen or maybe i'm just not meeting people i'm attracted to. i don't really feel defined by my relationships or lack thereof but as i get older it seems strange that i've never been in a serious one.

i'm pretty sure i have significant unresolved identity problems and seem to feel distinctly uncomfortable being one of the focal points of a couple. i figure the people posting about boyfriends pressuring them for sex (don't do it ladies!) are experiencing something similar.

sorry to ramble on about me i'm really curious about you.

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Believing that the views you feel comfortable with now will always be the views you'll hold, is very lazy and it's harmful to you. Thinking that you won't ever change, or won't be subject to change simply because you feel that how you are now is "right" is ridiculous. People spend their entire lives feeling one thing and then within the last 20, can do a complete 360 and if you aren't able to accept that your feelings aren't concrete, then diverting from what you've told yourself that you are is difficult. If you think you must always be asexual and then fall into a relationship where you begin to have feelings of sexual attraction, you shouldn't assume that pressure from your partner has to be the cause--you might not be asexual. You could have been asexual, but then you changed, because people do that. And understanding that people can change isn't cause for invalidating the sexuality you currently identify with, it just means that you don't have to feel any shame about other possible identities.

There are lots of different reasons for why people have or don't have sex and I don't always think that each sensation deserves an orientation label. Your job as a conscious being is to use your words to describe how you feel; inherent lack of sexual attraction is ambiguous because we know what it means, but it's not easy to apply it to people if you view people as black and white structures that either "are" or "aren't", and then get into the field and expect them to actually live on one side or the other.

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I still think me being asexual is less a matter of being solely asexual and more of an extension of my dislike for people. Even with family and friends that I "like" at the end of the day I don't think I'd feel much if I were to lose them.

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TBH the only thing we really know, is that we have memories of the past. if that's all the proof you have that you experience certain things, well that should really be enough, 'cause that's all anyone has.

maybe the future will be different, maybe our memories are flawed, that's kinda the way life is, no need to worry about it TBH. If from what you've observes so far is that you're ace, then you're ace.

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I think everyone on AVEN is questioning, or has at least had a period of time where they've questioned their sexuality and/or gender. I've always questioned being asexual- however if someone asks me, I tell them I'm heteroromantic asexual, because that is what I think I identify the most with, and I feel comfortable telling people that, knowing that it could change. I'm going to keep that label until I convince myself otherwise.

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ambivalent4422

Believing that the views you feel comfortable with now will always be the views you'll hold, is very lazy and it's harmful to you. Thinking that you won't ever change, or won't be subject to change simply because you feel that how you are now is "right" is ridiculous.

i'm not bothered by the label; i don't feel "trapped" by it. i feel it could even be useful. but it seems to largely apply to people who have some kind of genetic or epigenetic distaste for sex.

what are all the other reasons you could dislike sex or refuse to participate in relationships? there don't seem to be resources for that here; it's all focused on understanding nonsexualness as an orientation. perhaps this is useful for some people. i need psychological insight, and i don't know where to find that. probably i lack your capacity for self-understanding.

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ambivalent4422

I still think me being asexual is less a matter of being solely asexual and more of an extension of my dislike for people. Even with family and friends that I "like" at the end of the day I don't think I'd feel much if I were to lose them.

right it seems like there's so much more to explore. you seem slightly schizoid tbh, which has some degree of associated sexual "dysfunction" as well.

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Wait, what exactly is this thread about?

If you are looking for psychological insight, I don't know if this is the right place to research for that, this is mostly a peer to peer discussion forum, with of course FAQs and similar information sources, but we aren't a library. you could talk to a psychologist or a professor, or visit a library or something.

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ambivalent4422

Wait, what exactly is this thread about?

If you are looking for psychological insight, I don't know if this is the right place to research for that, this is mostly a peer to peer discussion forum, with of course FAQs and similar information sources, but we aren't a library. you could talk to a psychologist or a professor, or visit a library or something.

i have the wealth of human knowledge at my fingertips and i don't even know where to look! reading over the OP i see it was rambling and poorly-written and self-focused. i'd love to hear from others on how they figured out their sexuality. not a lot of threads with personal stories!

as an aside have you guys noticed that mental health professionals are literally never any help?

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as an aside have you guys noticed that mental health professionals are literally never any help?

I wouldn't say that. I've met some helpful and open-minded doctors. Some depends on who you're talking to and where you are. Some depends on how you talk.

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I'm not really questioning per say, just open to the fact that I may be wrong.

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I'll say right upfront that my views may be somewhat different due to my age (56)

Back in Aug when I discovered aven while searching for platonic dating sites in google, I immediately determined that I had found a "name" that matched my feelings exactly and I immediately identified myself as heteroromantic asexual just like tgif.

I don't even think it was two weeks before I began to question what I was so positive about just 2 weeks prior.

I also discovered that so many young members (I am assuming the OP is young(ish)) were so determined that they were indeed asexual and will be for life. It also seemed they would do or say anything to show proof of their asexuality. I could not understand why that was so important.

Yes I understand that we all (at least many of us) found that we had finally found a place we belong in and fit in so perfectly that we were happy to stay here for the rest of our lives, and defend ourselves against anybody who questioned that.

I'm repeating a lot of what Peachyy said, but why do you feel that it would be almost criminal and scary to admit that someday your views on sex may change. It most definitely does not invalidate in any way, shape, or form on how you feel-aka label yourself right now.

So yes you were definitely 100% asexual on 10/5/16, but that doesn't mean that you will be on 10/5/17, and who cares.

I was sure, then I questioned it (if anyone is really bored and feels like reading some entertaining times in my growling, read my posts say from Oct to recent.) I took all of aven on a journey through my deciding to try the dating world again. I literally give a play by play, day by day account of my trials and tribulations.

I held onto the heteroromantic asexual label for a good while, then switched it to "confused mess" for a while, and currently don't identify as asexual anymore. It fit for a while and was so grateful to have found this community, but I was open to change and still remain a proud member.

So please just be open to the fact that things, factors can change, and it's all good. Nobody here will think any less of you-I promise.

This was written so much better in my head while on the toilet a short while ago-ha

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Like what's already been said, it's not that I'm questioning whether or not I'm asexual, but rather that I accept that I might not be asexual at all. I'm nineteen. Assuming I don't die before I reach old age, I have more than enough time to meet the right person, have sex, love sex, want more sex . . . all of that can happen. The thing is is that even though I know that can happen, it doesn't mean it will. I think it's really important for asexuals to both accept that it might and that it might not.

And likewise, it's also really important for any potential partners to understand that. I was once talking to a dude who I thought understood what asexuality meant, but then after a few days he said, "When we cuddle your asexuality theory will go out the window!" That kind of thinking is toxic to everyone involved, and a sexual who clings on to the hope of "maybe one day" is only doing themselves a disservice . . . so it's important that they accept that it might not ever happen, too, just as it's important that they should know that, yes, a day might come where the asexual does want to have sex.

. . . .

You know, I really don't like red apples. I never have. I've always been more of a green apple girl. One day my tastes might change and I'll prefer red apples--but I'm not going to live out the rest of my days saying "Yeah, one day I'll like red apples!" when that day might never come. So, I say I like green apples.

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How do you determine what's "innate" and what's learned from a very young age after all? I'm not sure either.

I'm not very social, I look like a pound of ground pork and (subsequently?) I never had sex. I don't feel like I miss anything and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like it... but this is where the fun starts. What if I did it anyway and my body liked it whereas I couldn't stand running the errand of picking up people and dealing with all the bs that comes with it? Taking care of yourself is enough of a hassle already. Now is it a lack of an innate desire or just avoidance? How could I tell without comparison.

Instead, I travel to football games. I started doing this at 13 years old. 12 year old Homer wouldn't believe what 13 year old Homer was doing and 13 year old Homer would ROFL at 34 year old Homer who couldn't go four weeks without a match without crawling up the walls, even though it sucks sometimes. How much of this is innate? How much is learned behaviour?

Maybe it's best to compare it to basic needs. If you don't get to eat, never, at all, you'd starve so you'll crave food. Would you feel the same about sexual contact?

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^ And that's why I don't feel like people saying that it is an "innate desire" does as much good as we all really wish it would. Because honestly, as far as I can see, the only good saying "innate desire" does is those who already believe that the desire is innate--not the people who are trying to figure out if they're asexual or not.

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I have questioning moments all the time. As a grey, there are times when there might be something there, and a lot of times when there isn't. Normally though, I have a lack of interesting in any sort of partnering up, but there are the occasional what if moments.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm definitely still questioning! Every new person I tell asks me "what if you haven't met the right person?" and I honestly don't have an answer for them. I'm pretty sure I'm ace, but there are also days where I do just wonder if I haven't met the right person.

I get how you feel though, when you say you feel weird that you've never been in a real relationship. I haven't either, and it makes me feel very behind when all of my friends are talking about sex and boyfriends, and I'm just sitting quietly.

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  • 2 weeks later...
ambivalent4422

I get how you feel though, when you say you feel weird that you've never been in a real relationship. I haven't either, and it makes me feel very behind when all of my friends are talking about sex and boyfriends, and I'm just sitting quietly.

i personally have plenty of experience but something always goes wrong and these relationships don't last. i think in the past it's been stress and situation dependent misery blocking my ability to feel attraction at the appropriate moments. at this point, after having been single so long, i don't really feel capable of intimacy. i hate people touching me and i don't see that changing.

I wouldn't say that. I've met some helpful and open-minded doctors. Some depends on who you're talking to and where you are. Some depends on how you talk.

i would. doctors spend too much time applying judgment instead of considering all the angles, which makes them poor decision-makers. i've literally never had decent advice over the years, although sometimes they'll fill prescriptions as requested.

i recently had a conversation about going back to school to which she responded with, "do something that you love. don't waste your money otherwise".

"i have a full scholarship i just have no motivation for anything academic."

**crickets**

this would have been a good moment for useful and pertinent advice, thanks doc.

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