Asexual or suppressed sexual?

[Keara]

Hello!

I feel the need to tell my story first. So people can understand.
As a child I was assuming I'm gonna be a lesbian, because I always liked doing boy stuff. And that was fine for me. As I grew older I realized that was not the case. I didn't feel physical attraction to anyone. I wasn't thinking of any person as being hot. But talking to boys was just more exciting and I felt more of a connection. But even though the other girls started talking about Sex and it felt really gross to me, especially thinking about Penises (but also Vaginas). I also tried masturbation, but that did nothing for me.

Then I got to know my first boyfriend. I felt, that he was really interested in me. And since I was not used to people liking me, I was enjoying it. We were together for half a year without having sex at all. Then I initiated it, because I thought it is something you should do as a next step. I didn't particularly liked my first time, even though this isn't quite unusual I suppose. From then on we continued having sex, around once a week. I was really enjoying the beginning of the sex even though I got pretty bored a few minutes into it. We were together for 4 years. I always liked the part of sleeping in the same bed. And I felt the need to sleep with him, to get the parts, which I liked, namely cuddling and affection. Also I didn't want to be like this prude (sometimes married) couples, who don't love each other any more and therefore had a boring sex life or none at all. He was actually very considerate and asked me, what I like or want to try. But I couldn't tell him anything, because there just wasn't anything I wanted to try. I only remember one time, where I really wanted to sleep with him. And he was too tired. I actually broke into tears because of that. The other times I mostly waited for it to be over. During this time I also took the pill and it was in question weather this led to my not existing sex drive. I was also questioning, if I got maybe some physical condition, where I just wouldn't produce to much liquid to make it feel good for me. Then he split up with me, and I wasn't sad at all. Actually I felt free.

My next relationship started similar to my first. I realized he was interested, so it was only a small step to signal him some interest. He was even more sexual. He basically wanted to have sex every day. At the beginning it was thrilling because it was new. He also liked to talk a lot about sex. And I was really enjoying that part. Actually I always liked the excitement of trying something new for the first time. For example sex outside, or on the table or using lube for the first time. But this also fades away very quickly. I also tried to find out what was wrong with me. I stopped talking the pill. And I felt that my sex life was slightly improving. I also bought some sex advise books. But somehow I was really reluctant to talk about everything. I was scared he just wouldn't understand. During this time I first heard about asexuality. And it helped me accept, that I'm a person, who don't enjoys sex. I also told him about it, but really carefully. Maybe if I would have been louder he would have taking me more seriously. He asked me if I don't like sex at all. And it would put our whole relationship into question. Me lying about liking sex the whole time. So I said, that I don't like it to much, but that I don't mind it either. And I also tried to convince me of that to. We came to terms, where we would have a lot of oral sex and him masturbating and reduce the amount of actually having sex. We also never did foreplay. I felt like it just would extend the process. But maybe it would have improved everything.

With my next relationship. I wanted to improve everything. So I told him from the beginning, that I have no particularly interest in having sex. But I find myself getting caught in the same behavior pattern. Where I even initiate sex, because I think he only want me then. Because I think I have to try different things and I will like it.

I also think I have a really good knowledge of when people are attracted to me. This makes relationships really easy. I have no doubt, when I make a move because I know that person already likes me. Also I crave for a deep emotional and intellectual connection and I know if I can't get to that, that we will never be a good match. But at the same time I have problems finding friends. Because that superficial relationships, (with which all friendships start) are boring and exhausting for me. And when I get to the deep connections. It seems like the counter part imagines this for his relationship and not a friendship. My second relationship ended because I tried to maintain a friendship with my 3rd partner. I wanted a deep connection with him. And also do things like cuddling. And I'm not sure whether this was love. Also I still felt that deep connection to my partner at that time. It felt like being in love with both or maybe none. But this was not okay for my partner so I felt the need to break up. Even though it still hurts that I lost him and couldn't have both.

So here are questions I would like to ask you:

1. Do you think I'm a suppressed sexual and that I just don't enjoy sex because I never listened to myself and therefore destroyed sex for me?
Or am I asexual and should stop having sex once and for all?

2. Is it harder for me to find Friends, than relationships, because they mean more to me?
Just like a lot of people search for love, but are to nervous to talk to people because they are scared to fuck up.

3. Am I using the sexual attraction of others towards me?
Because I only have enough self-esteem, when the other person is blindly into me?

4. How do you know, if you love a person if you don't want to sleep with them and feel a strong connection to more than one person?

5. Do I actually love? It sometimes feels like I just want to be admired and not be alone rather than, what I imagine love is like.

Thanks for your help!

[lolocopter]

Hey, obviously there is no correct answer so bear that in mind when you get responses as it's all subjective. I'll try my best from my POV anyway :)

1) You didn't listen to yourself? Sounds like you did - if you don't get horny don't masturbate, if you don't want sex - don't have sex. I am similar to you in that I have thought that maybe low sex drive might be due to the pill or supplements or something but what about the sexual people who are on the pill? Maybe go to the doctor to run some hormone tests just for clarification. I don't think you can suppress something you never really felt, you tried and didn't really enjoy it and that's just you, and that's ok. If you want to have sex sometimes then do but don't feel like you mustn't because you're ace? It really depends on you and how you feel - but don't just have sex if you feel like it's expected of you.

2/3) I don't have an answer for that really, it's something you need to explore yourself. Counselling will also help you explore these.

4) I think a lot of the existing ideas you have around love and sex are socially constructed and therefore technically subjective. I think you should look into polyamory, a lot of people are into it nowadays, whilst it's becoming increasingly more 'normal' but again it's what works for you that will make you happy. So if you want to be monogamous and it makes you happy then great. If you want to be with more than one person and all parties are aware of this, great too. And no love doesn't = sex and never has and never will. You can love qualities of a person without needing to love the feeling of their penis lol. Personally I feel like sex is secondary to having a deep connection with someone.

5) Love is something that everyone feels differently, in my personal experience it helps to have comparisons. My first love was at 17 and realised when I had my second love that it wasn't love at all. I think TRUE love exists but you can't force yourself to feel a certain way and as cliche posits, once you know you'll know. You sound like you haven't been in love yet but I don't know I'm just some chick sitting at a computer trying to figure out life one day at a time!

Hope that helps and feel free to message me if you need anything and good luck - remember you're your own person, conforming to constructs is what destroys people because of all the internal conflict that comes with it, as the young people of today say: you do you x