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When there's no sex in my life


CentaurianPrincess

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CentaurianPrincess

I feel freedom and self love- magical emotions. I've discovered that the only way I'm truly happy is without sex in my life. I do want romance someday however. Does anyone feel special emotions after having freed themselves from the sexual obligations the rest of the world seems to put on you?

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cavalier080854

Although I'm an aromantic asexual, I felt the same way when I discovered I was one. The pressure was getting to me from my first failed attempt at sex at 15 (1969) and again with same woman later as well ass 2 other women after leaving school. The relief was truly amazing. I felt as if the whole world had left my shoulders. No worries about trivial matters like sex, though it wasn't trivial before this revelation. The problem is how to react with the normal/crazies out there. To reveal yourself or to remain hidden, a thing which is easy to do but harder to maintain over time with the same people. I found it easier to reveal myself to a friend on a one to one basis with an understanding, No Outing. Your first will be the hardest, but is such a relief that at long last your loneliness is over. And if it goes well a true friend who understands and freedom from a sex life if you wish. Romance is definitely a possibility, but hard to achieve and maintain with sexual partners, sex will always be in the background, how willing and understanding that sexual partner is will determine the length and depth of your relationship. I wish you a happy journey through life and a prosperous one, rich with experience and contentment.

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Yes. I feel this great sense of relief. It's this light feeling like something heavy has finally been lifted off of me.

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CentaurianPrincess

Please define magical emotions.

I can't describe them. That's why they're "magical". In a dream like state would be a way to define it.

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CentaurianPrincess

Although I'm an aromantic asexual, I felt the same way when I discovered I was one. The pressure was getting to me from my first failed attempt at sex at 15 (1969) and again with same woman later as well ass 2 other women after leaving school. The relief was truly amazing. I felt as if the whole world had left my shoulders. No worries about trivial matters like sex, though it wasn't trivial before this revelation. The problem is how to react with the normal/crazies out there. To reveal yourself or to remain hidden, a thing which is easy to do but harder to maintain over time with the same people. I found it easier to reveal myself to a friend on a one to one basis with an understanding, No Outing. Your first will be the hardest, but is such a relief that at long last your loneliness is over. And if it goes well a true friend who understands and freedom from a sex life if you wish. Romance is definitely a possibility, but hard to achieve and maintain with sexual partners, sex will always be in the background, how willing and understanding that sexual partner is will determine the length and depth of your relationship. I wish you a happy journey through life and a prosperous one, rich with experience and contentment.

Thank you very much!

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Anthracite_Impreza

Do you mean you feel great having figured out who you are and what you want?

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CentaurianPrincess

Do you mean you feel great having figured out who you are and what you want?

Yes, I am.

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Please define magical emotions.

I can't describe them. That's why they're "magical". In a dream like state would be a way to define it.

That sounds like dissociation. In any case, I'm glad asexuality makes you happy.

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Salted Karamel

Something similar. I subscribe to the belief that sexually active people who aren't planning to have children should always be on some form of birth control, mostly because the world tells you like you could suddenly decide to have sex at any time even if you weren't planning to ahead of time. And I don't mean situations in which force is used; I mean there is this pervasive idea that every single person could just spontaneously, consensually cave into the ever present underlying desire to have sex, and since you don't know in advance when you will suddenly decide to have consensual sex, you should make sure you're constantly prepared.

 

Now, maybe this still holds true for allosexual or "sexually active" people. To be honest, I think I've gone my entire life without really knowing what "sexually active" means. I'd always been under the impression that it meant anyone who wasn't a virgin, and maybe that, too, is because society assumes that the desire to preserve one's virginity is the only reason anyone could have to not be sexually active by choice (aside from religious reasons which supposedly take a great deal of personal restraint lol).

 

So, the realization was more that I'm not "sexually active," and I don't have to identify as being "sexually active" just because I have had sex before, may do so again at some point before I die, and am making no conscious and ongoing choice to abstain from sexual activity. The very model of what defines being "sexually active" rests upon the idea that every person experiences a constant pull toward having sex which they must actively resist. And that isn't me.

 

So, that has made the manner in which I answer questions to my doctors and the way they consequentially treat me much more liberating. To date, I've answered to two doctors that I am not sexually active, with amusingly (and perhaps frustratingly) different results:

 

- a male general practitioner, who put on a big smile and went, "oh, good!"— I was glad he was supportive and all, haha, but I found that to be more than a tad judgmental. I'm 31. What does he think of all the other 31 year old women having sex? I don't think doctors should be judging patients for being sexually active, even if in my case I had been judged favorably for not being so.

 

- a female gynecologist, who was alarmed that I wanted my IUD removed with no current plans to use any other form of contraception. I get that she was doing her job and all, and that sort of alarm is probably warranted when in regard to allosexual people (and I too used to feel that sort of alarm about people not being on birth control), but I told her I wasn't sexually active and wasn't likely to be in the foreseeable future, and she was all like, "but what if??" What if you change your mind? What if you're wrong, because no one could possibly know that they're not suddenly going to decide to have sex?

 

I calmly told her that I would consider other contraceptive options if and when that ever became the case but at the present time I was absolutely sure about wanting my IUD out. She seemed unconvinced, but also had to do her job and remove my IUD. And that was the most freeing thing of all.

 

In realizing that I'm not like "everyone else"—or at least like the single type of person that the world thinks everyone is—that I'm not "sexually active" and that the rules for sexually active people don't apply to me, that I am not subject to some mysterious illness of the mind that will direct my actions against my will at any point, I've become free from the tyranny of birth control. No hormones fucking with my mind, no foreign objects in my uterus making my periods worse, no constant reliance upon pharmacies and health insurance; just me, and I've never felt better.

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  • 3 months later...
On 9/30/2016 at 5:56 PM, katydidd said:

 

- a female gynecologist, who was alarmed that I wanted my IUD removed with no current plans to use any other form of contraception. I get that she was doing her job and all, and that sort of alarm is probably warranted when in regard to allosexual people (and I too used to feel that sort of alarm about people not being on birth control), but I told her I wasn't sexually active and wasn't likely to be in the foreseeable future, and she was all like, "but what if??" What if you change your mind? What if you're wrong, because no one could possibly know that they're not suddenly going to decide to have sex?

 

I calmly told her that I would consider other contraceptive options if and when that ever became the case but at the present time I was absolutely sure about wanting my IUD out. She seemed unconvinced, but also had to do her job and remove my IUD. And that was the most freeing thing of all.

 

That was really interesting, as I currently have an IUD that I want removed - but I'm very, very uncomfortable about (even scared of) going to the doctor's because of that, for the above mentioned reasons - I know they will chastise me harshly and be very alarmed, and instantly offer me other forms of (hormonal) contraception as a replacement, which I don't want... Every single person of medical profession I have ever met thinks this way, "no one could possibly know that they're not suddenly going to decide to have sex"... For them, it's just wholly, totally inconceivable that any normal person would not be sexually active (at best they'd think you're a sad, lonely loser if not having sex). And I'd have no option but to go to the place where they inserted it to begin with (just the way the public healthcare works over here, long story), so I have no illusion whatsoever about how judging they will be... 

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coming to terms with it all was a huge relief.  its similar to the way i felt when i figured out i was gay.. everything just made sense all of a sudden. now i never stress about why i hate what everyone else loves.  like. i get so damn stoke about literally anything else. doritos? hell yeah. hiking? already there. rolling around on the floor by myself? sounds like a date.  

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I totally feel that way too! For a while I felt that I always had to have one person that I was interested/crushing on. My friends always were obsessing over at least one boy. But I most made up the people I was crushing on.

I also don't feel the pressure to act typically female around people now that I know my own sexuality (or lack of), and am much more comfortable in public now. The only awkward thing is when a guy is making sexually suggestive comments, I still need to figure out how to deal with that. :)

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Salted Karamel
On 1/16/2017 at 10:09 AM, Florenna said:

That was really interesting, as I currently have an IUD that I want removed - but I'm very, very uncomfortable about (even scared of) going to the doctor's because of that, for the above mentioned reasons - I know they will chastise me harshly and be very alarmed, and instantly offer me other forms of (hormonal) contraception as a replacement, which I don't want... Every single person of medical profession I have ever met thinks this way, "no one could possibly know that they're not suddenly going to decide to have sex"... For them, it's just wholly, totally inconceivable that any normal person would not be sexually active (at best they'd think you're a sad, lonely loser if not having sex). And I'd have no option but to go to the place where they inserted it to begin with (just the way the public healthcare works over here, long story), so I have no illusion whatsoever about how judging they will be... 

Well, bear in mind we live in different countries, and for that matter I had my IUD removed before Trump won the election and everyone started scrambling to get IUDs put in.

 

(As a side note: Would I have made my decision differently had I known the outcome of the election? I don't think so. The IUD was causing me too much additional pain for the 0 sex I was having, and even if I become sexually active again, it would probably be less painful to opt for a more temporary method. I think the only situation in which I might consider getting a new IUD would be if I got married and it was therefore feasible that I would continue to be sexually active in the longterm. But even then, considering my age, it would probably make more sense to just decide if I want to have a kid or not and then opt for sterilization, with a few years of hormonal birth control until I'm ready for all that. Though it's also worth pointing out that my situation differs from the picture of the American woman who is currently freaking out about access to affordable birth control precisely because I am on the asexual spectrum and do not intend to be sexually compromising again until I have a longterm steady partner who would need to share those costs as part of the compromise.)

 

So, I don't know the policy of the doctors wherever you live. But in the US, yeah, they have to respect your wishes and if you say you want your IUD out then they have to take your IUD out. Depending on the doctor and probably the region, they might also talk down to you about it, but I'm more than willing to assert myself and defend my asexuality.

 

But yes, you're absolutely right that they seem to find it "wholly, totally inconceivable." And maybe that's because in their line of work they're generally dealing with an even greater percentage of allosexuals than what already makes up general society, and they probably deal with a lot of unintended pregnancies, pregnancy scares, and abortions, as well. So to those doctors, I can see how it might start to seem like every human is just a walking live grenade, ready to go off, and they can't fathom that any of us actually have our pin quite securely in place because they're dealing with the fallout of so many accidents all the time.

 

What I can tell you is that getting the IUD taken out is waaaaaay better than having it put in. Getting an IUD is a painful experience; having it taken out, I was just like, "Okay, so I know this is going to hurt and—" and she was like, "Nope, that's it, I did it already. You're done." And I was like, "Wait, what??" It was no more uncomfortable than removing a tampon. And I don't imagine that would vary by country.

 

You can try to explain your sexuality to them, or you can just "yeah yeah yeah" and stay firm. (I would probably at least say "I'm asexual" just so they understand you're not just being irresponsible, and even if "asexual" isn't your exact spot on the spectrum, they don't really need to know the details.) As long as they take it out either way, is the IUD causing you more or less discomfort than one very unpleasant trip to the doctor? That's the decision you have to make.

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Salted Karamel
On 1/23/2017 at 9:51 PM, LorTheGrayAce said:

I totally feel that way too! For a while I felt that I always had to have one person that I was interested/crushing on. My friends always were obsessing over at least one boy. But I most made up the people I was crushing on.

I also don't feel the pressure to act typically female around people now that I know my own sexuality (or lack of), and am much more comfortable in public now. The only awkward thing is when a guy is making sexually suggestive comments, I still need to figure out how to deal with that. :)

Oh, I like staring at them like they're an idiot because their joke made no sense, often prompting them to awkwardly explain it, at which point you then go, "Yeah, no, I got it," but it's still clear you think they're unintelligent rather than funny.

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