bradg Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 I always thought I was asexual. Even when I was in relationships and a marriage I never felt comfortable in bed. Sex always seemed to unemotional and mechanical. I wanted romance and asexual touching but didn't want to cross the line to sex. My last few relationships were disasters when my partner wanted sex and I didn't. Now I met a wonderful woman and we ended up having sex. It was very nice and I felt a close emotional bond with her. And now I'm confused. Was I really not asexual all this time? I get so emotional in these situations and I have trouble sorting out the truth. Can anyone help me? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 I always thought I was asexual. Even when I was in relationships and a marriage I never felt comfortable in bed. Sex always seemed to unemotional and mechanical. I wanted romance and asexual touching but didn't want to cross the line to sex. My last few relationships were disasters when my partner wanted sex and I didn't. Now I met a wonderful woman and we ended up having sex. It was very nice and I felt a close emotional bond with her. And now I'm confused. Was I really not asexual all this time? I get so emotional in these situations and I have trouble sorting out the truth. Can anyone help me? You could be demisexual. https://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Demisexual You could also be gray-asexual https://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gray-A Personally, from what I've read, some asexuals enjoy sex, especially if it makes their partner(s) happy. Some asexuals are sex indifferent. Honestly, though, what do YOU feel? Do you feel like you are on the asexual spectrum in some way? If not, that's okay,too. I hope I was some help for you in some way.Good luck. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
WoodwindWhistler Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Asexuality (at least for now) is defined by if you are attracted to someone beforehand. Were you sexually interested in this person, just interacting? Before or after getting to know them well? (that will determine if you are demi) Or did you have sex that was just indifferent at first and then it got better as you went?Sounds like you're on the ace spectrum to me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Do you desire sex with her (for sexual or emotional pleasure; even if it's just desired after foreplay) or do you just enjoy it? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Starlit Sky Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 As others have said, asexuality doesn't necessarily mean that someone doesn't enjoy sex. They definitely can enjoy it. What matters in whether you're asexual or not is if you find this woman sexually attractive and if you have the desire to have sex with her--not whether or not you liked the sex. Also, when you say that you have a deep bond with her, do you mean that you felt it after the two of you had sex, or before? And if it was before, is that when you found her appealing in a sexual way and had that desire? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
KulkulkanX Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 I know how you feel, mostly. I have acted asexual for decades, before I knew the term existed. I was comfortable, but was looking into dating to see what I was missing. I expected no real result. Shockingly, I was messaged by a profile I had visited. She is a very tall woman, and I'm short. She is poly and pansexaual. While I had no "type" in mind, sha was probably not what I expected.We chatted online for a week, then met. Good conversation, three hours worth, only a hug, no biggie. We kept chatting online, and BAM! I want o be close to her. Second date last week, a wonderful snuggle session. I now want to have sex with her. Part of my surprise is in feeling things I never have. I am uncertain as to whether or not I am feeling sexaul attraction, but can feel a little confident that I am Demisexual or Grey. My point? Don't worry so much about the label. If you emjoy what you are doing, fell that. Tak time at leisure to examine your label, but for now, just soak the joy in! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
..M.. Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Things can change. Don't worry about it, sounds like you have a good thing going! Be honest with yourself! (and partner of course) about feelings around sex but dont stress defining feelings exactly if it's difficult, feelings can be difficualt and words dont always work well to describe them.) Others have already pointed towards the words to describe the borderline between 'normal' sexuality and asexuality, which you may find useful. So I'll just share personal experience. This is somewhat different to your situation as I have little experience of sex or relationships, but my sexuality or lack thereof has certainly gradually changed from being firmly asexual and aromantic in late teens (didnt know the terms then I certain cosidered that I didnt have any sexuality), through starting to have at least romantic feelings for a few specific people but nothing that i could identify as specifically sexual, through now in a relationship, and consider myself to have sexual feelings for my partner at times, therefore to my mind I am no longer asexual (this change took place over more than a decade). I dont tihnk that means I was wrong about being asexual before. I must always have had the *potential* for sexual attraction, but I did not know that from the start and i doubt I could have forced it to happen, it took time and many changes of circumstances for it to arise. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
wcclark Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 You are whatever you choose to be. As we go through life, we change and grow. Obviously, as we do this, we often gain and lose identities we label ourselves with. I'm way late to the conversation, so I'm happy to say that you've already received a great resource set of information about the definitions and attributes of the varied spectrum of sexuality and asexuality; you have the fun of getting to go through and discover yourself all over again. Wherever you are on that spectrum, that's awesome and something to be proud of. Nobody can be you better than you, whoever you are! Oh, and congrats on finding somebody wonderful and becoming such an intimate part of their life. Such a wondrous thing that is. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Asexuality (at least for now) is defined by if you are attracted to someone beforehand. Were you sexually interested in this person, just interacting? Before or after getting to know them well? (that will determine if you are demi) Or did you have sex that was just indifferent at first and then it got better as you went? Sounds like you're on the ace spectrum to me. This is not true. You are whatever you choose to be. This is also not true. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
R_1 Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 This is not true. You are whatever you choose to be.This is also not true.As a person whose sexuality has shifted, I can assure anyone that it has nothing to do with choices. It just happens. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bradg Posted September 28, 2016 Author Share Posted September 28, 2016 Thanks for all of your constructive replies. You're all very helpful and supportive. To answer a question that was asked-- we went in several dates as just friends. I didn't set out with the intent to have sex with her. I wasn't initially attracted to her sexually. After awhile we discussed our feelings and the rest just happened. Also why should I care about a label? I'm me no matter what box I'm placed in. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bradg Posted September 28, 2016 Author Share Posted September 28, 2016 Thanks for all of your constructive replies. You're all very helpful and supportive. To answer a question that was asked-- we went in several dates as just friends. I didn't set out with the intent to have sex with her. I wasn't initially attracted to her sexually. After awhile we discussed our feelings and the rest just happened. Also why should I care about a label? I'm me no matter what box I'm placed in. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bradg Posted September 28, 2016 Author Share Posted September 28, 2016 Thanks for all of your constructive replies. You're all very helpful and supportive. To answer a question that was asked-- we went in several dates as just friends. I didn't set out with the intent to have sex with her. I wasn't initially attracted to her sexually. After awhile we discussed our feelings and the rest just happened. Also why should I care about a label? I'm me no matter what box I'm placed in. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bradg Posted September 28, 2016 Author Share Posted September 28, 2016 Sorry I posted the same thing 3 times. I was having computer issues and didn't know it posted. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
wcclark Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 I just wanted to apologize for my fallacy in making the claim I made earlier. I suppose I've always had the luxury of free will/choice. I could be on any place of the sexual spectrum, and I have chosen to abstain from sex via celibacy. My own experiences certainly don't apply to everyone. I guess I got a little too inspirational for my own good. Bradg, if nothing else, I stand by one of my statements: Nobody can be you better than you, so you're already aces in my book, no matter who/what you are. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
WoodwindWhistler Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 This is not true. You are whatever you choose to be.This is also not true.As a person whose sexuality has shifted, I can assure anyone that it has nothing to do with choices. It just happens. As a person who has shifted due to choices, and has encountered material about meditations to raise and lower libido, I assure you it CAN happen. Maybe not to everyone, but . . . Skullery, why do you think what I said about attraction isn't true? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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