Ethical question

[butterflydreams]

Against my better judgement, I've been making another run at the online dating thing. The site I'm using let's you choose from a pretty wide range of gender descriptors, including man, woman, trans woman, trans feminine, etc, etc.

At first, I was like, "oh sweet, I'll just put trans woman" but over time, I felt a bit uncomfortable with that. My personal feeling is that I'm a woman who happens to be trans, not a trans woman. Maybe a minor quibble, but it's important to me.

So I stopped using that field to say trans woman, and it just says woman now. Further down in my actual profile body, I listed a disclosure that I'm trans.

But even that doesn't sit well with me. Most people won't talk to me on there at all. But the one or two who have suggested that had I not said anything, based on my picture (which is plain, unfiltered, undistorted and not misleading in any way) they would've assumed I was cis. Even my critical friend said this picture of me looks unmistakably female.

So I'd like to not list it anywhere. If someone wants to talk to me, they can talk to me. And based on that, I will disclose to them. I'm not suggesting it's ok to hide this kind of thing from a partner, but with someone who barely knows you yet? I'm just uncomfortable volunteering that information.

Or should I just say it plain as day in my profile so as to pre-weed out all the people for whom it would be a dealbreaker?

I guess dating for me has been such an incredibly unpleasant and wholly unfruitful endeavor that someone who said they liked me, who wouldn't if they knew I was trans, is some kind of consolation prize in my mind.

What do?

[Tarfeather]

Just do it.

I figure experimentation is what these dating sites are for, anyway.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I suppose it depends on how much possibly being rejected for your "bits" bothers you personally vs online, but I would say that disclosure should happen very early on so everyone Is on the same page.

[Starlit Sky]

Ah . . . pretty much the same reason I'm against the idea that you should tell the person you're seeing by the third date and if you don't, you're being a shitty person, manipulative, etc. No, you're just choosing to talk about your sexuality when you're actually comfortable to do so. I do agree that you shouldn't hide things like this and I agree that things like this should come up before people enter a relationship and aren't just dating anymore. There are a number of things that might be deal breakers for you, and no one is saying they'll be a shitty person and / or manipulative if they don't talk about it by the third date. Dating is about getting to know people. *sigh*

^ That's my take on it. You're not obligated to tell anyone you first meet that you're a trans woman. A woman is a woman. You are a woman. I don't personally see a reason to click a box that marks you as a trans woman unless you just happen to want to say that. I remember hearing one woman put it this way: "I am a woman. I am no longer transitioning, and while I was I said that I was trans. That's not the case anymore, so I say I'm a woman. Which I am."

[Emery.]

I've been thinking about this myself, although my situation doesn't apply fully to yours.

Background. I'm genderqueer, I look pretty much like a woman, a bit androgynous maybe, maybe queer. I don't know. But in general I am FAAB and present as female in all like... papers, names, pronouns, my body is as it's always been. So do I tell I'm genderqueer or not? Do I make it public? Do I tell it in the beginning? Because I feel some doubt if I'm not tricking my date into something they wouldn't be up to. I understand that not everyone who is attracted to what my physicality says, would be up to dating someone who identifies as a dude. Who apart from being a lady is also a dude in a way. And how to balance not freaking people out with not dating someone who is bigoted about it or simply wouldn't be up to date someone as masculine as me? Right? So in the end, I don't have a conclusion. Or maybe, I, myself, in my situation, choose not to disclose until I have enough trust. Or until it's crucial for some reason. Because reactions are... mixed. Very, very mixed. But I will have to come out in the end, one way or another. I will have to make sure my date understands they are dating a queer and what it means. Mainly to understand what it means, and what they're up to. Because they might not know it. Otherwise, it would be plain unfair and dishonest of me. But that's my situation, which differs from your situation of being a trans woman.

Both strategies seem plausible. Sieve them out. Good. Choose not to disclose to everyone. Also good. I guess you would have to tell eventually if it were to get serious. But quite possibly, you would go to dates with a couple of people with whom it won't pan out at all and it will end on one or two dates. Then, do they need to know? I am no judge on whether you pass or not. At least somewhat, for sure. But if you don't write it in the profile, meet someone and they notice and won't like it? Then probably it will end on the first date. Or what could happen? I dunno. If it gets serious and you will have to say then? It might turn out that this person leaves you, or you have a nasty argument, or it might turn out that it doesn't matter for them. Sieve them out? Good. Upside is that you don't have to deal with coming out. Downside is that there is a potential group of people who could be your partners, who would freak out seeing you're trans, but if they got to know you first and you came out then, it wouldn't be an issue. Downside is that you might let your status define you in some way, that you'd attract some people who would be interested in the trans aspect, in whom you're not interested. All in all it seems reasonable what you did. If I were you, I would list myself as simply a woman. Not trans. But you come out (in text) outright if someone is already interested. In you as (simply) a woman. What you did seems very reasonable to me.

[Guest]

I was just reading something about this... I think it was on AVEN, even... that the pain for transfolk getting rejected just because they're trans is far worse than any mild time wasting that occurs when someone goes on a date with an undisclosed transwoman (because we're usually talking about women here, right?) and realizes they're not interested.

I used to do a lot of internet dating, and people who went out with me were lucky in the sense that I don't care much for appearance, so when they inevitably turned out older and/or much heavier than in their photos, I didn't care. Most people do, and reactions, I've been told, range significantly. So, I guess, there's nothing IMO unethical about either approach, you just need to figure out what's going to hurt more/less... not receiving replies due to disclosing in the profile, or not getting callbacks after a surprising first date. Not that I'm saying no one will respond/ call back!!! Certainly some will and some won't... tis the law of numbers that we all play while dating.

[MoraDollie]

I would say for the gender field put "trans woman" and then in the additional profile bit, explain your stance on it. ONE WAY to filter out who actually reads your damn profile (and doesn't just carbon mass copy/paste) is to have a little "reading test" on your profile. Write "What's your favorite color? Put it in your FIRST message to me, to prove that you read my profile". You can filter out soooo many people that way, trust me :P

[Finn.]

Go for whatever feels right for you. I don't think you owe anyone anything, especially not people you are just getting to know.

I personally stated that I am nonbinary, because having it just say "woman" (not even female, just "woman") really bugs me. But I'm also not actively looking for anyone right now, I would only be open for a date if that person seemed really great and would be on the ace spectrum too. So, how likely is that? =)

I just checked again, my description hints at genderfluidity and it also got my English+German pronouns. But who knows if I will keep it that way.

[butterflydreams]

I was just reading something about this... I think it was on AVEN, even... that the pain for transfolk getting rejected just because they're trans is far worse than any mild time wasting that occurs when someone goes on a date with an undisclosed transwoman (because we're usually talking about women here, right?) and realizes they're not interested.

I mean, getting rejected for who you are, no matter what that is, hurts like hell. I'm not going to sit here and claim this is unique to trans people, or somehow worse for trans people. That would be ridiculous.

But I feel like this question always comes up, and I feel like it's always a question of, hurt now, or hurt later, you're gonna get hurt. And that's depressing. I guess my only qualm with it is I've started to become really uncomfortable disclosing my trans status from the start. With new people I meet (like at work, or just in the world) these days, I don't mention it. I'm a woman, and it's none of their business.

I used to do a lot of internet dating, and people who went out with me were lucky in the sense that I don't care much for appearance, so when they inevitably turned out older and/or much heavier than in their photos, I didn't care. Most people do, and reactions, I've been told, range significantly.

Unfortunately, and where this differs for trans people, is that it's far less likely that someone is going to physically harm you for being not as tall, or heavier, or uglier. Don't think I haven't thought about that very, very real risk.

So, I guess, there's nothing IMO unethical about either approach, you just need to figure out what's going to hurt more/less... not receiving replies due to disclosing in the profile, or not getting callbacks after a surprising first date. Not that I'm saying no one will respond/ call back!!! Certainly some will and some won't... tis the law of numbers that we all play while dating.

Eh...it all hurts at this point. I've had people talk to me (clearly based only on my photo, but hey, I'm pretty cute, it's ok) who then go silent once they've read my profile. I know I shouldn't, but a lot of my feelings of "why bother?" are tied up in this.

Plus, based on youtube videos I've seen, and blog articles, I must be doing something horrendously wrong. Judging by them, yeah, it's harder, but it's not impossible. So far for me, it's been impossible.

Also, I'm afraid to even message guys. As though a mere message of my even potential interest in them should be considered insulting. -_-

[just an owl]

It does kinda seem like a lose-lose situation... Feel uncomfortable stating it on your profile or have the possibility of someone rejecting you... :(

But there's nothing wrong with not putting it on your profile and deciding to bring it up at another point, once you've spoken a bit. Personally, I think that's the best option.

[Chardog]

I'd say disclose after you get to know them and decide either before possibly meeting them in person or perhaps after meeting but before a second date.. I don't think you need to throw it out there upfront in your profile.

[butterflydreams]

It does kinda seem like a lose-lose situation... Feel uncomfortable stating it on your profile or have the possibility of someone rejecting you... :(

But there's nothing wrong with not putting it on your profile and deciding to bring it up at another point, once you've spoken a bit. Personally, I think that's the best option.

Yeah, I don't think there are any easy answers, which is why I'm thinking about it.

And just to be super clear, I wouldn't advocate (for myself or anyone else) not mentioning at all...certainly after a first date, though I think it would come up long before then. If someone is already chatting with me, I'd be fine mentioning it to them.

But I'm not sure. What's the overlap of people who would reject you outright if they knew, but wouldn't reject you if they got to know you first? That seems like a pretty slim number.

On the other hand, there's your own comfort to consider. If I'm not comfortable putting it out there like that, why should I have to?

[Starlit Sky]

On the other hand, there's your own comfort to consider. If I'm not comfortable putting it out there like that, why should I have to?

^ That's my opinion. You don't have to. Certainly not before you know them well enough to trust them.

[Emery.]

You don't have to put it out there. It will be honest as long as you tell at --some-- point. And of course, some people are those with whom you will have only one or two dates and not more... I would put it out there personally, because I hate people, I hate dealing with people, and their negative reactions hurt me a lot. A lot. That's a thing to consider. How it would feel to you that on the first or third date you say "I'm trans" and the person freaks out or just never calls you back again. If you're not comfortable sharing your status like this, already on the website, you absolutely don't have to.

[CentaurianPrincess]

To avoid predators you should remove it from your profile and wait until you've talked to someone for awhile. You can't be singled out for violence- being trans if it doesn't say in your profile. After you've talked to someone awhile they should get an idea of who you are, tell them you're transgender. If they stay then good, if they go then keep looking. I would tell them before you meet, so there's no problems after you've met them in person.

[Antihero.]

.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I guess about the only thing I have to offer is my own grappling with this problem on the level that fate handed me.

Being sex repulsed and definitely NOT wanting physical intimacy, I thought maybe I could find some real rewarding platonic relationships. So I only posted to sites that gave a 'friendship' or 'Activity Partner' option.

I outed myself each time before even meeting the people there. Most of this was about 10-15 years ago, and I only have 1 person that still talks to me a few times a year. They're usually pretty good about the pronouns, but I get the feeling that the people they are with now are freaked out by what I am, so it's almost like they are doing it on the sly.

I don't even think some of them understood what a risk I was taking.

There are a group of people that I've been on a mailing list for almost 20 years. We're from all over the country. I drove hundreds of miles to meet some of them. But, I guess because I'm "only" androgynous and they're all married, it would be unseemly if they came to visit me. I don't even get phone calls.

I dunno, I guess I don't fit and never will. So it's always like the song 'From A Distance'.....

This is me dipping a toe in a stream where angels fear to tread.

[butterflydreams]

Everyone is different though. I personally am someone who isn’t sensitive or emotional. I appreciate directness and I am fairly confident. I am that type of guy who wouldn’t get offended or hurt if I read “No trans” on a profile but would be thankful for that information because it would let me know that I don’t have to waste my time writing to that man.

Heh, I am pretty sensitive unfortunately. I have no problem if someone is like "no trans" on their profile. I do however get very annoyed with people spouting all kinds of progressive and open-minded talk who are like, "no virgins". Nice sex shaming.

Anyhow, at the end of the day you should do what you feel comfortable with and what works best for you and only you can know that.

If you don’t want to state that you’re trans on your profile and feel better not to do it, then don’t do it.

Yeah, pretty much this. Clearly I'm not going to not say anything, purely for my own safety. I don't want to end up on a date with someone without them aware...purely for my safety. But it's proven to be very important and beneficial to my mental health to just say, "I'm a woman." I mean...obviously, right? That's how I'm living my life now. It's how I need to be to feel ok in the world.

[Heart]

I was just reading something about this... I think it was on AVEN, even... that the pain for transfolk getting rejected just because they're trans is far worse than any mild time wasting that occurs when someone goes on a date with an undisclosed transwoman (because we're usually talking about women here, right?) and realizes they're not interested.

I used to do a lot of internet dating, and people who went out with me were lucky in the sense that I don't care much for appearance, so when they inevitably turned out older and/or much heavier than in their photos, I didn't care. Most people do, and reactions, I've been told, range significantly. So, I guess, there's nothing IMO unethical about either approach, you just need to figure out what's going to hurt more/less... not receiving replies due to disclosing in the profile, or not getting callbacks after a surprising first date. Not that I'm saying no one will respond/ call back!!! Certainly some will and some won't... tis the law of numbers that we all play while dating.

I'm thoroughly with Skullery on this. I don't think it's an ethical question; you are doing no one harm except perhaps yourself by either option. Dating is a long process wherein you get to find all the ways a relationship can fall apart, from the first few dates all the way to years into it... (oops, that sounded more depressing than I intended... but it's true). Trust me, being or not being trans is not the only thing that can be a deal breaker, and if we started requiring disclaimers in dating profiles and first dates of all the possible deal breakers, they'd be pages long.

I mean, I will never be pregnant, and yet I don't feel obliged to disclose that on my first date. But that's a deal breaker for some people. Personally, I would treat your trans-ness as I would treat any other potential deal breaker; get it out in the open when you feel comfortable with it, and preferably before the other person falls in love with you to avoid as much hurt as possible. Whether that means you disclose on your dating profile or after a few dates, that's up to you as far as I'm concerned.

But I feel like this question always comes up, and I feel like it's always a question of, hurt now, or hurt later, you're gonna get hurt.

Welcome to the world of dating... you'll get hurt over and over again until you won't. At least for me, that's just kinda how it's worked. However, that time or times that you don't get hurt... that makes it all worth it.

But I'm not sure. What's the overlap of people who would reject you outright if they knew, but wouldn't reject you if they got to know you first? That seems like a pretty slim number.

In my experience, a lot actually. I dated someone once who would never have dated a poly person if he hadn't become attracted to me first. One of my current partners in fact identifies as monogamous and always has; she would normally never have started dating a poly person. It took us years to go from really good friends to partners, even though I had two boyfriends at the time as well; I was ecstatic and surprised. And then one day she surprised me like no other by having a boyfriend. So now she has two partners and still identifies as monogamous. And I identify as happy, I guess ;)

So, in short, those are two instances of people dating me who would normally have considered my polyamory a deal breaker. One partner dated me despite me being asexual being a deal breaker. That's three. I know none of these are gender things, but I think it's probably similar.

Sometimes, someone believes that something is a deal breaker until they're actually confronted with someone they feel attracted to that is that thing. Then, they have to re-evaluate how important it is to them. You'd be surprised how often a "deal breaker" is just because they've never before been attracted to someone with that characteristic, so they just decide it's impossible. Or that they called it a deal breaker because they didn't think they could deal with it, but then decide to give it a try.

I'm not saying that deal breakers are never serious. I'd even say that they are real the majority of the time; after all, these three instances are out of my dating experience spanning seven years. But I'd also say that they're not real a non-negligible amount of the time. Most of us don't actually know what we want until we are forced to sit ourselves down and really think about it after all, myself included ;)

[binary suns]

it's fine, hehe.

your life right now, you are already very comfortable presenting as a woman, and the changes that are going on from here on out are honestly probably not noticeably different from the kind of changes any women might make to her image over time, so if you feel like your being trans shouldn't be relevant, then don't mention it. nothing unethical about that at all, really.

[ChillaKilla]

I agree with antihero, heart, teagan, etc.

You are a woman, and if someone doesn't think you're the "right kind" of woman, they can eat dirt! :P

[butterflydreams]

I was just reading something about this... I think it was on AVEN, even... that the pain for transfolk getting rejected just because they're trans is far worse than any mild time wasting that occurs when someone goes on a date with an undisclosed transwoman (because we're usually talking about women here, right?) and realizes they're not interested.

I used to do a lot of internet dating, and people who went out with me were lucky in the sense that I don't care much for appearance, so when they inevitably turned out older and/or much heavier than in their photos, I didn't care. Most people do, and reactions, I've been told, range significantly. So, I guess, there's nothing IMO unethical about either approach, you just need to figure out what's going to hurt more/less... not receiving replies due to disclosing in the profile, or not getting callbacks after a surprising first date. Not that I'm saying no one will respond/ call back!!! Certainly some will and some won't... tis the law of numbers that we all play while dating.

I'm thoroughly with Skullery on this. I don't think it's an ethical question; you are doing no one harm except perhaps yourself by either option. Dating is a long process wherein you get to find all the ways a relationship can fall apart, from the first few dates all the way to years into it... (oops, that sounded more depressing than I intended... but it's true). Trust me, being or not being trans is not the only thing that can be a deal breaker, and if we started requiring disclaimers in dating profiles and first dates of all the possible deal breakers, they'd be pages long.

I mean, I will never be pregnant, and yet I don't feel obliged to disclose that on my first date. But that's a deal breaker for some people. Personally, I would treat your trans-ness as I would treat any other potential deal breaker; get it out in the open when you feel comfortable with it, and preferably before the other person falls in love with you to avoid as much hurt as possible. Whether that means you disclose on your dating profile or after a few dates, that's up to you as far as I'm concerned.

This makes sense. My profile doesn't need to list all my medical conditions, or that I can't stand ketchup. Based on this thread, I have discontinued listing myself as trans. I actually think it's the primary driver of visits and interest from foreign countries. Not that I'm opposed to that, but I'd prefer something local, and I definitely make that clear.

But I feel like this question always comes up, and I feel like it's always a question of, hurt now, or hurt later, you're gonna get hurt.

Welcome to the world of dating... you'll get hurt over and over again until you won't. At least for me, that's just kinda how it's worked. However, that time or times that you don't get hurt... that makes it all worth it.

Unfortunately, in my case, there's been nothing but hurt...so I'm left feeling like it really isn't worth it. I'm certainly pretty much ready to give up on it at this point. It seems wholly unrelatable when I ask google about it. I don't have lots of dates that suck, I have no dates. No interest. My parents don't want me, nobody's ever wanted to be with me. Asexuality, bisexuality, whatever I am? Who cares. It's moot.

Sometimes, someone believes that something is a deal breaker until they're actually confronted with someone they feel attracted to that is that thing. Then, they have to re-evaluate how important it is to them. You'd be surprised how often a "deal breaker" is just because they've never before been attracted to someone with that characteristic, so they just decide it's impossible. Or that they called it a deal breaker because they didn't think they could deal with it, but then decide to give it a try.

I really wish this was the case, but people have always been so quick to dismiss me. It makes me feel like I have to be hyper aware of every single word I say, every single motion I make. Like they're just looking for any reason to dismiss me and so much as a single word can do it. I feel like there's no space and understanding. At the end of the day, I can't force anyone to take the time to get to know me. If no one wants to do that, what's the point of even putting in the effort myself?

Even though it makes me cry, I think at this point, any effort is best spent learning how to be by myself in quite literally everything. Sure other things "might" happen, but being alone is a sure thing for me.

[Tarfeather]

Welcome to the world of dating... you'll get hurt over and over again until you won't. At least for me, that's just kinda how it's worked. However, that time or times that you don't get hurt... that makes it all worth it.

You know, you are actually privileged to have that option. I'd be very happy if I could just go on a dating site, and sift through a plethora of bad dates until I find someone. But it doesn't work like that for me, and from her post, it doesn't seem to work like that for Hadley, either. When you can't even get someone to agree to go on a single date with you, it's not so much "getting hurt", as it's wasting hours of your time for nothing, not even an interesting or unusual experience, just.. being completely ignored.

[binary suns]

I really wish this was the case, but people have always been so quick to dismiss me. It makes me feel like I have to be hyper aware of every single word I say, every single motion I make. Like they're just looking for any reason to dismiss me and so much as a single word can do it. I feel like there's no space and understanding. At the end of the day, I can't force anyone to take the time to get to know me. If no one wants to do that, what's the point of even putting in the effort myself?

Even though it makes me cry, I think at this point, any effort is best spent learning how to be by myself in quite literally everything. Sure other things "might" happen, but being alone is a sure thing for me.

But if everyone is required to be hyper aware of everything that could possibly be misconstrued, then everyone has to learn every possible thing that could be misconstrued. that's so, well, unrealistic D:

It's very admirable to be aware of such a thing. but it's OK if you step on someones toe on accident. It's OK to ignore one mad person one time for the sake of your own sanity. it's OK to ignore ever mad person TBH, you'll naturally over time notice ways to avoid upsetting people, after all.

and, every human with individuality is going to be hated at some point in their life. there's some sort of famous motivation speech about that. that we should accept being hated when it happens, because that only proves you're doing something right. or something. I'm not a great paraphraser.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

Even though it makes me cry, I think at this point, any effort is best spent learning how to be by myself in quite literally everything. Sure other things "might" happen, but being alone is a sure thing for me.

You don't have to have a lover to be loved. It may be a platonic sort of love, and it may not seem like enough. But it is something. And you earn it by being there for people, and you may never know how deeply they appreciate it because they reserve those type of confessions for the people with whom they are intimate.

I guess I shouldn't talk about this because I'm pretty much alone, have been for decades. But I don't believe in the power of romantic love, even as I do believe in possibilities. And, as the old Sherlock Holmes saying goes, "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." I just have this hunch that at some point in time, you'll experience the improbable. I can't tell you why I feel this, it's just that you have a lot of offer people, IMHO.

[deleted_account]

Back when I was identifying as trans, I would disclose it on my dating profile. My reasoning was that I'd rather not go on a date with someone who seemed nice but then acted weird/stupid/prejudiced when I came out to them as trans. I hate having to sit through these painful, aggravating conversations with transphobic people (even now, when I'm only genderqueer and not FTM). Outing myself as trans was my way of getting that out of the way.

But that's just me. If you are more comfortable going stealth, that's up to you. Just remember to be safe. There are a lot of violent men out there who will flip out if they find out they've been dating a trans woman. And women are sometimes prone to gossip, so you risk being outed by a girlfriend, particularly if she's a drunk or if she's just ignorant to the risks that go along with being an out transsexual.

[Amedot]

IMO I don't think you should have to disclose if you are trans.

[butterflydreams]

Does disclosing or not depend on whether or not you pass well?

I was recently ghosted by a guy with whom I was having a very pleasant conversation. Hadn't gotten to the point of disclosing anything. Still ghosted. Sometimes I feel bad for even wanting things like this.

[Starlit Sky]

No, people ghost for all kinds of reasons . . . sometimes they don't want a relationship, sometimes they can tell that you just have vastly different interests in them, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they just . . . I don't even know. Sometimes you'll never know why they left. I was talking to an asexual dude one time and he just up and poofed. As far as I know I didn't say anything (and nope, we weren't talking romantically either) xD

Anyway . . . try not to feel bad. :( I doubt that that dude knew you're trans. Like I said, people get ghosted all the time for a whole lot of reasons. . . .

[Heart]

Especially on dating websites, ghosting is just an unfortunate fact.

Welcome to the world of dating... you'll get hurt over and over again until you won't. At least for me, that's just kinda how it's worked. However, that time or times that you don't get hurt... that makes it all worth it.

You know, you are actually privileged to have that option. I'd be very happy if I could just go on a dating site, and sift through a plethora of bad dates until I find someone. But it doesn't work like that for me, and from her post, it doesn't seem to work like that for Hadley, either. When you can't even get someone to agree to go on a single date with you, it's not so much "getting hurt", as it's wasting hours of your time for nothing, not even an interesting or unusual experience, just.. being completely ignored.

And I'm sorry Tarfeather. I know dating is hard. I am lucky to have been able to go on dates with five people over the seven years I've been in the dating game. I didn't mean to make light of finding dates.

If my experience is anything to go by, people may just have to persevere for a few years before even one date comes along. And I'm poly, so the whole five people to date in seven years is really a sample space of seven years; there has never really been a time when I'd say no to a date that has even the slightest chance of interesting me. I keep an open mind. Though, to be fair, there have definitely been times in those years when I have been less proactive myself in seeking out dates, so I'm sure that skews the statistic somewhere. Two of those five were people I wanted to date before we actually started dating, so my interest influenced events.

So. Without actively asking out or otherwise initiating interest in people, I have gotten three dates in seven years. For whatever time in there I've been actively seeking dates, I got two more. The odds are long, but not impossible. But I would very much understand if people chose to move on and be single. Dating is not a prerequisite to life, love, or happiness.