Women's Personal Testimonies Wanted!

[hrmit]

I've posted this to several other ace websites, so if you see this, I'm not a bot, I'm just trying to cast a wide net.

Hi there! I'm Haley, I've been a part of the Ace community for about two and a half years now, but I've only just joined Aven as a member. I'm currently a student at FSU and I'm working on an academic project looking at the intersections of being an asexual woman. I was hoping some people might help my research by giving details about their personal experiences as women within the community. All women on the grey spectrum are welcome to participate.

These experiences could range from coming out stories, experiences from the dating world, interactions with doctors/psychologists/psychiatrists/therapists, your personal understanding of your identity as an asexual woman, etc. Any information will be used anonymously unless you give me express permission to use some form of identification, and even then I would most likely only use your username from Aven. You can send me your testimonies either by posting on this thread or by privately messaging me. If you have any questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to ask!

Here is a little more about me, and also some examples of experiences you can tell me about from your own life:
I didn't know what asexuality was until I saw the TV show Sirens. One of the main characters, whose nickname is Voodoo, is openly asexual, and one character spends the episode trying to understand it. After watching the episode I did my own research and realized all the definitions I was seeing directly related to how I felt. Up until that moment I thought people were joking when they talked about how much they "needed" to have sex with someone. I literally thought everyone just found those "jokes" funny and they were just overused hyperbolas.

Since coming out to myself the most negative experiences I've had involved coming out to other members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Not only did I experience negativity on a personal level, I saw big-name advocates like Dan Savage tear apart my person-hood and tell me I should stay within "my people."

Most of my family already knows, but I haven't told my aunt. She has been the one who has pushed me the most to have children, which is probably why I haven't told her. My sister was my first family member I told. She is younger than me and was also going through a sexual identity crisis at the time, and was completely understanding and welcoming.

I'm terrified to date people I meet in real life. I don't believe that I should be forced into dating only other asexual people (although I have no problem with dating within the community) but because of the effect media has had on me, I'm unwilling to "push" my lack of sexuality onto others. I understand that sex is a deal-breaker for a lot of allosexuals, and therefore don't want to get too involved with people who don't know my asexuality. At the same time, I don't feel like telling everyone I may come to like that I am asexual upon greeting.

So that's me, and I hope that helped a little bit. Like I said, feel free to contact me on this thread or via private messages. I hope to hear from some of you soon!!

[Starlit Sky]

I will most likely PM you, but I hope that you get plenty of responses, both on here and on other sites! :)

[Lia]

IDK if this falls under the DRC person of the PT?

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/61599-rules-for-researchers-and-students/

Timewarp is our current DRC.

[SithLord]

Hey, so I'm not sure all the questions you want answered. Do you just want a long rant about our experiences as ace, or specifically how being a woman AND ace has affected us? 'Cause a lot of my experiences are common to all aces, men and women and other alike.

To specifically mention how my identifying as a chick (I prefer chick so will proceed to use it instead) affects my experience, I feel that my friends who I first came out to were just kind of like "Oh that's normal for virgin chicks, don't worry about it" and it made me really scared and filled with self-doubt. My brother has never had a relationship to the best of my knowledge, and my sis hadn't yet at the time so I figured that maybe I was normal and just trying to be special. But after I got over that, I quickly got into a relationship with a dude who is my current bf, but I was scared as all hell when I came out to him. Coming out was a necessity for me since I was 100% inexperienced with stuff and was very hesitant to even kiss him. He had to think about whether to date me or not and his friend advised against it, but he stuck with me and we've been together almost three years now. It took a while for him and me to work past my repulsion to sex, and we're still struggling with my lack of interest in it, but we're better than where we started.'

I could go on about how my ace-ness and biological problems make sex super frustrating and that's pretty damn difficult to deal with, but it seems slightly irrelevant so I won't. If you want any more info you can reply or PM me, idc.

[timewarp]

Sorry for kidnapping this thread for a while. We had to check if this agrees with our rules for researchers and students, and indeed it does.

This research request has been approved by the Research Approval Board for advertising on AVEN.

timewarp

Dedicated Research Contact

[deltaX]

Are you still looking for participants? If so, I'd be happy to help with the project :)

[Wallflowerbaby13]

I don't I.d. as a woman, but I wish you the best of luck!

[thylacine]

I am interested, if you are still looking for information. You can "PM" me.

[n.triteleia]

Dunno if you still need people, but PM me if you do :)

[cavalier080854]

Hmm. If you are doing intersectionalism, then men should be included. After all, according to AVEN statistics 2014 women out number men 5:1. We too have stories and experiences that are exclusively the province of men. Just saying, for the interests of balance.

[Snao Cone]

I'm willing to participate, so feel free to PM me :)

Hmm. If you are doing intersectionalism, then men should be included. After all, according to AVEN statistics 2014 women out number men 5:1. We too have stories and experiences that are exclusively the province of men. Just saying, for the interests of balance.

Dude, let the researcher decide the topic of study. No injustice is being served to you here.

[timewarp]

Let me put it this way: there are many applications for my own research, but I only get funding for one of them. So I only focus on this one application. This is how academia works, and that has nothing to do with excluding anybody. Just saying, there are usually good reasons for picking a specific topic, and more often than not they are external.

[thylacine]

I think Cavalier has a point, though... asexual men have stories, also. Maybe it could be another chapter... ? Anyway, are we sure about the 5-1 statistic, though? Maybe a lot of asexual men just don't come forward because of you know... society's expectations. I think what Cavalier has to say is important, too.

[binary suns]

If you have specific questions, or a survey, then I'd be willing to answer them.

[Guest]

I think Cavalier has a point, though... asexual men have stories, also. Maybe it could be another chapter... ? Anyway, are we sure about the 5-1 statistic, though? Maybe a lot of asexual men just don't come forward because of you know... society's expectations. I think what Cavalier has to say is important, too.

there have been research posts specifically for men here before, no one complained then. One specifically for men a couple of years ago even had financial compensation offered. Everyone gets a turn :)

[emma-can]

I agree with Teagan. If you could give me some specific questions, I'd be happy to answer. I want to help but I'm unsure what to write about (and I'm very indecisive).

As for the women-only "issue," I think it's reasonable to have a single-gender study. Asexuality affects men and women in different ways, surely (maybe not 100% different, but at least to some degree)? And like PanFicto said, there have been men-only studies. There will be more. Just because one study is women-only doesn't mean male asexuals' stories will never be heard.

[ggcatlady]

Hi! I am a cis woman. I started writing a long and detailed history of my failure to get any committed relationships off the ground and then got interrupted. I closed my laptop without turning it off with the intention of continuing from where I left off but when I came back my touchpad was no longer working. In my attempts to get it going again, I restarted my computer and lost everything I'd written. That's the bad news. The good news is, I got my touchpad working again (pressed keys Fn + F7). Can't be bothered writing it all again so I will summarise:

cvfvvv5555555t63333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
87/.;'

Sorry, that's not my summary. My cat jumped onto my keyboard!

Oh, I may as well start with the long history again and hope for the best...

In the state of Victoria, Australia, I was in high school from age 11 to 17. It was 1986 to 1991. During this time, probably around 1987 or 1988, I heard a man speaking on the radio. He called himself 'asexual'. Another man harshly criticised him, making him sound like some kind of sick nut who couldn't get sex because he was ugly and was just making excuses for it. I wanted to learn more about asexuality at the time because I identified with some of what the asexual man had said about himself but I didn't talk to anyone about how I thought I believed I was asexual because of the stigma that it seemed to carry. It was the '80s and there was no internet. I didn't think to look for a book about it but I doubt I would have found one, even if I'd had the courage to borrow it from the library, which is also doubtful. The memory faded into the deeper recesses of my mind and I guess I forgot about it almost completely, as I never heard the term 'asexual' again until I stumbled across the "Everyone is gay" website this year, while trying to figure out if I was gay.

In the final year of primary school, when I was 10 going on 11, my class was offered the chance of having sex education. We had to have our parents permission. When I gave the permission slip to my mum she said it was up to me if I wanted to participate and said she would give me permission if that's what I wanted. I believed she was testing me and I that she would prefer it if I said I didn't want to go and also I couldn't stand the thought of being taught sex education by my male teacher so I told my mum to fill out the slip saying that she didn't give permission.

I was the only student in my class who didn't have permission to attend sex education. It wasn't even presented by my teacher but by some outsiders. The other kids would exchange knowing glances and make jokes and I was only vaguely aware of the innuendo. I deeply regretted my decision. Luckily, there was more sex education when I started high school and I got 100% on the test but while I was studying I couldn't help thinking, why would anyone WANT to have sex? How could anyone possibly bring themselves to initiate an act that is so clearly fraught with awkwardness and embarrassment? Not to mention the danger of pregnancy and disease.

In high school, I was an awkward and ugly teen. There was a group of boys who regularly made unflattering comments and jokes about my appearance. I had pimples, greasy, unstyled hair and a short and stocky build that earned me the label 'wombat' to which another boy responded, "But wombats are cute, so why are you calling her wombat?" The boys also called me 'frigid' because of my reluctance to talk about sex. They said it in a very derogatory manner. I had always put my awkwardness around boys down to these early experiences and a fear of rejection.

When I finished high school, I was suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness that caused my emotions to be quite extreme in their intensity however, I was very good at not acting on my emotions so no one noticed. I started an Applied Chemistry course. There was a guy enrolled in the course who was very loud and abrasive and liked to boast of his sexual exploits with his girlfriend in a loud voice, including descriptions of what their excretions after sex looked like when she was on her period. Later that year, his girlfriend, who was still in high school, broke up with him. He was devastated. A friend of mine who had confided to me that she was 'horny' took the opportunity to go out with this guy and they had sex that night in her car. I was incredulous when she told me. Didn't she have ANY standards? She just shrugged. I just couldn't relate to what she had done. Why? Why would you do that with a guy like him?

I flunked out of the chemistry course and got accepted into another course at a college closer to home. The course was in a male-dominated field and for the first time, I started making friends with males. One of my friends was a 31 year old man, and another was a 19 year old. By this time I was 19 going on 20. I started to feel that it was about time I had a boyfriend before it was 'too late'. Most of my friends had already started to form couples for the first time at around this age. One of my friends was openly looking to find a marriage partner but I just wanted my first committed relationship. The 31 year old eventually asked me if I was interested in a relationship with him. I had sensed for a while that he was looking for a sexual relationship with me. The thought of having sex with him terrified and repelled me. I turned him down, saying I was not attracted to him in that way and I just wanted to be friends and besides, he had a wife with a mental illness who needed his support. I guess that wasn't good enough for him because he stopped talking to me. I told the 19 year old, who had invited me out a few times, that I was interested in being physically affectionate with him (in a letter but not in those words. I was concerned that I still had no 'experience' even though I wasn't sure I could go through with it). He took a long time to respond & said he was not ready for a serious relationship. I took this as rejection & because of the intensity of my feelings, could not bring myself to talk to him again, though he tried to talk to me.

That year a 16 year old tried to start a relationship with me and I told him he was too young, which was true. Maybe I wanted experience but not at the expense of my ethics.

I met a man in a park with a strong Asian accent in about 1996 who looked miserable. He asked me to marry him. Since I had never seen him before in my life, I said no but that I was sure he'd find the right person one day. I think he must have been told to leave the country and was looking for some way he could stay.

In 2000, when I was 26, I went on a camping tour of Europe with two friends. In Scotland, the tour guide said there was a tradition that when you stepped over a stile in a fence in the countryside, you should turn to the person behind you and kiss them. He said this just as one of the young men on the tour followed me through the stile we were crossing. I ignored the tradition and powered forward. The young man good-humouredly seemed to think nothing of it but the tour guide grumbled. Later, when I kept avoiding the young man & giving him 'the cold shoulder' one of the women on the tour asked me if he was bothering me. I said, no, the tour would be over soon and then I wouldn't have to see him again anyway. One of my friends had told me she was really hankering to have sex with a guy. Any guy. She was that desperate. If she was envying me, she didn't say so.

Not long after being back at home I met a guy at a friend's party & he asked me out. We'd gone to the same high school but had never talked before. We watched The Talented Mr Ripley while on a date. When he asked if I would go out with him again, I said, sorry but no. Again, I was terrified that he would want to be physically intimate & have sex. I still had 'no experience' and felt way out of my depth.

At 28, I was hospitalised because my mental illness caused hallucinations and delusions that interfered with my ability to function normally. I quit my job because of paranoid delusions that my workplace was brainwashing me (I didn't tell them that though).

At 31 years old, I felt ready to tackle the relationship challenge again. I met a guy on a dating site and he arranged to meet me in a park. He wanted to know about my previous relationships. For the first time, I didn't try to hide my lack of experience. I just told him I'd never had a boyfriend. He said he couldn't believe it. I let him kiss me. Tongues were involved. I thought, this is nice but I was ready to stop way before he was.

We exchanged a few text messages in the following days during which I pretended not to realise he was trying to exchange sexy texts but he finally texted, "You're too innocent," and ended it. This was before smart phones. Kind of glad, as I'm sure he would have asked for a naked photo.

I didn't feel any great desire to date again but one day, about ten years later, out of curiosity to see if there was anyone 'compatible' out there as a companion, I logged onto eHarmony & found someone who seemed a perfect match almost straight away. We went on a about three dates which was just talking & eating. I told him I'd never been in a relationship and that I had a mental illness. He was fine with it. He said, "So it would probably be me who would be initiating physical intimacy," or words to that effect. "Yes, I think so," I agreed. I asked my doctor for a prescription of the pill & got it. However, on the third date this man, who had strong views about freedom, watched as I prevented my cats from going outdoors. The next day, he said he didn't think it would work out.

I am now 42 and men I meet in person no longer show any interest in dating me. In fact, no one has shown interest since my 20s.

Now, after another break from online dating, I am exchanging eHarmony emails with a man who ticked the box that describes himself as having a 'strong sex drive'. I ticked the 'low sex drive' box. His wife is dead and he has two daughters, one of which is autistic. I am thinking, what am I getting myself into? Is this worth it? I was even questioning whether I was gay like a couple of friends I know, but I know I am not attracted that way to women, so I started looking on LGBTIQ sites and that's how I ultimately found this site.

This is a true & full account of my exploits or lack thereof.

[borkfork]

If you have specific questions, or a survey, then I'd be willing to answer them.

Same. I need to narrow it down to organize my thoughts.

[mechanicalsunshine]

Don't know if you're still looking for any testimonies, but I'd be willing to share if you do :)

[Atilan]

If you have specific questions, or a survey, then I'd be willing to answer them.

Same. I need to narrow it down to organize my thoughts.

Same, you asked a pretty broad question there OP, maybe you could make a question sheet ? or just a list of things you'd like to know about. and I wouldn't mind knowing more about what exactly your research is about, it sounds interesting.

feel free to PM me !

[hrmit]

Hello all! Sorry it's been taking me so long to get back to you all, this is my senior year of college and things are hectic.

To clear some things up:

I will not be taking testimonies from men. This project is being done in correlation with a Women's Studies class, so it wouldn't make sense to talk about men in my project. I might want comparative analysis, but as others have pointed out, there are already plenty of studies specifically targeting men. By intersectional, I mean I am investigating the intersections of being a woman and being asexual.

Here are some questions that might help. Your responses can be as long or as short as you please. You can respond here or via PM. Again, only share what you feel comfortable sharing. You by no means have to answer all of the questions here.

-How did you learn about asexuality, or how/when did you realize you were asexual?

-How have people reacted as you came out to them? If you haven't come out to anyone, why?

-How did realizing you were asexual affect you? Were you happy to finally know, were you upset, surprised, etc?

-How has finding an online community shaped your experiences as an asexual?

-Do you think being asexual as a woman affects you differently than as a man? If so, how? (i.e. do stereotypes and expectations of women shape your experiences? For example, I've been accused of being an "ice queen" and a "prude.")

-Have you had any experiences talking to doctors/therapists about your asexuality? If so, how did these interactions go?

-Does knowing your asexuality help or hinder your romantic pursuits in any way?

-Does the hypersexualized media of today affect you in any way?

If you think of anything else that you would like to talk about (anything that you think is a noteworthy part of your experiences as an asexual) please feel free to include that as well. Hope this helps.

Thanks to everyone for showing interest!!

[emma-can]

Lord knows I TRIED to PM you, but of course PMs aren't working <_<

-How did you learn about asexuality, or how/when did you realize you were asexual?

I learned about asexuality from some LGBTQ Facebook page, probably Have A Gay Day. I didn't realize I was asexual til a few years later, when I saw a post talking about how asexuals feel about sex. I was like, "wait...I feel like that...other people don't feel like that? I'm asexual?"

-How have people reacted as you came out to them? If you haven't come out to anyone, why?

I've only really told people whom I haven't known long enough for my asexuality to change their opinion of me. I tried telling some of my friends I've known longer and they kind of brushed it off in a really weird way. I don't really want to come out to my family. I think ultimately they'd be accepting, but because I'm the "weird kid" in the family I think they'd just see it as another weird thing their daughter/sister's into and not take it seriously.

-How did realizing you were asexual affect you? Were you happy to finally know, were you upset, surprised, etc?

I was pleased at first to finally have a handle on my sexuality again. Then I gradually became depressed with it when I realized it'd probably negatively impact my chances at a romantic relationship.

-Do you think being asexual as a woman affects you differently than as a man? If so, how? (i.e. do stereotypes and expectations of women shape your experiences? For example, I've been accused of being an "ice queen" and a "prude.")

So far, I don't think it's affected me differently than it would affect a man. It could just be because I'm not very open about my asexuality.

-Have you had any experiences talking to doctors/therapists about your asexuality? If so, how did these interactions go?

I haven't told my doctor and I'm not currently seeing a therapist.

-Does knowing your asexuality help or hinder your romantic pursuits in any way?

It's another problem on a list of problems keeping me from pursuing a romantic relationship. Though to be fair, I've never actually had the opportunity to have a romantic relationship.

-Does the hypersexualized media of today affect you in any way?

It makes me uncomfortable in the sense that it underscores the idea that I don't want something "everyone else" does.