SpecialK1 Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 Over seven months ago I met and made the most amazing connection with the man I am certain is the love of my life. This week he revealled that he identifies as a romantic asexual. I have been aware, without definition, of our dynamics from early on but held out hope that things would evolve. With a torn sense of relief and mourning, I am struggling with the semantics of it all. He adores me. He has reassured me of his attraction and devotion. I am empathetic to a fault. The question persisting is what now? How do we respect each others needs while avoiding resentment? Unhealthy sacrifice? Navigate our distinct needs? I'm reeling and not coping well. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 what now? You talk about it. A lot. Open and honestly, and this will probably go on throughout your relationship. How do we respect each others needs while avoiding resentment? Avoiding resentment, on both sides, is the hard part. You might feel, in the glow of a new relationship, that you can go without sex, but it's very likely that feeling won't last. Or he might feel he can have sex, but that won't last. On the other hand, you both might be okay with that compromise forever. The biggest mental leap for most sexuals is truly accepting that for asexuals, not wanting sex with their partner isn't the same as not wanting their partner; and for asexuals, it's accepting that, yes, sex is that emotionally important and the hurt of rejection is real and not whining. I'm reeling and not coping well. Well, he's essentially asking you to go undesired for the rest of your life, if you stick with him. That's a huge thing. It's going to take time and work. If you're committed to the relationship, you just have to get through the emotional impact and figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 for asexuals, it's accepting that, yes, sex is that emotionally important and the hurt of rejection is real and not whining. But once the asexual explains (many times) that it isn't a specific feeling about their sexual partner but has to do with the asexual as an individual, then further complaining from the sexual IS whining. Instead of continuing to whine, the sexual needs to make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 Instead of continuing to whine, the asexual needs to make a decision. Typo? Or a recognition that there are two people with agency in this relationship? It depends on whether it's framed as 'but you're so hot, it's not fair' sense (as on another thread), which is whining, or whether it's framed as talking about an relationship issue to try to resolve it, and the asexual just isn't comfortable with facing the relationship problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Nidwin Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 So, after 6 months of "dating" JoeSixPack finaly opens his mouth and tells you he's a romantic ace. Good job if you ask me. As for the "What Now?" I don't know, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
JacTheSpaceAce Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 You need to take some time, probably by yourself, to think. Think about what you are willing to sacrifice in this relation. Think about ways you could make this work for both of you. I've seen people talk about scheduled sex, maybe that would work for you. Really, you need to decide sooner rather than later if both of you are willing to try as hard as possible to make this work. Otherwise, it doesn't seem fair to stay together. So take some time to think, talk about everything with your partner, and decide together were to go from there. One last important thing, make sure he knows how much you love him romantically. He is probably worried about not being able to give you sex, so you need to let him know that romantic love matters too. I hope it works out for you guys! Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialK1 Posted September 26, 2016 Author Share Posted September 26, 2016 Thank you to all for your replies. We are communicating openly and honestly about our feelings, fears, boundaries, frustrations and reassuring one another that it's not a question of the depth of our love but the shape it will take. I'm grateful... Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 Instead of continuing to whine, the asexual needs to make a decision. Typo? Or a recognition that there are two people with agency in this relationship? Typo. I thought I'd corrected it, but I didn't wait long enough for it to happen... Link to post Share on other sites
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