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Supportive parents (kinda)


The-world-is-quiet-here

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The-world-is-quiet-here

Over the weekend, I was participating in a zinefest (zines are like little folded up magazines). My dad had told me that he had asked his family to come, but I wasn't really prepared for that reality. So my super-conservative grandma and my aunts and uncles show up and start reading most of my zines, some of which are about the gender stuff I'm going through.

I know my grandma read some of my gender zines, because after she was done reading most of them, she told me two things:

"When we were younger, transgender wasn't a thing," and

"You're so lucky to have such a supportive dad! The way he deals with all this..."

I said yeah, and hoped she would move onto a different subject.

My grandma is known for having a funny way of putting things, very off-kilter from what most people would say.

It took me a full day to realize why what she said struck a chord with me: to me, it sounded like she was saying my gender stuff was a problem or something to be taken care of. Which, okay, she's super conservative and I honestly expected worse from her. That was fine.

And secondly- feel free to call me out on this- my dad has tried to be supportive, but he doesn't really understand. When I explained my gender fluidity in February, he said "So sometimes you feel like a man, and sometimes you feel like a woman, and you still like women?" He told me I quote-unquote "had a beautiful heart" and said "Whatever is in you is okay." I tried to get him to use they pronouns for me, and he just didn't understand the concept. Like, he didn't get it at all.

It's not that he (or my mom) are unsupportive, exactly. It's more like, I don't know how to ask them to support me. I don't know what I want, because everything feels wrong right now [in regards to my gender]. I can't pinpoint how I'm feeling- it's masculine-ish, but not really... I don't know how to describe it. Some AVENites have suggested I might be proxvir, and they might be right.

Both of my parents so clearly see me as "their daughter", when I'm not sure that's what I am anymore. I don't feel like their son, though... Maybe I'm just their kid.

Any tips or suggestions?

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butterflydreams

I mean, it might help to know what you hope to accomplish. What is their support going to look like if/when you get it? I think your dad does want to be supportive, based on what he said, but maybe he's unclear on what else he could be doing. And don't underestimate the value of the kind of love he is giving you. That's very important.

But if you're not even really sure where you stand, they're never going to guess how to support you. It's ok to take the time to figure that out. :)

Also, it might be good to figure stuff out on your own for a while. It sounds like you're wrapped up in how they see you. Might do you good to get away from that a bit and start figuring out how you see yourself independent of their or anyone else's perceptions.

Regardless, I wish you the best of luck!

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I definitely agree with Hadley in that a good step in the right direction is figuring out what you want. Trying to get them to use to use them pronouns is probably the best way to go for now. If you haven't already, maybe try to show them this video, and if you know any articles that talk about it, or some other videos. It sounds like your dad is trying and he's not meaning to offend you or bother you (and, by the way, being upset by the fact that he's not totally 100% understanding is perfectly reasonable), so maybe he'll listen. :)

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