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Desperate for advice with sexual partner


Awkwardpanda

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Okay, so, quick background.. I have been with my boyfriend for over two years. We met over World of Warcraft, and I had a LOT of emotional issues that left me unwilling to love for over ten years. He spent a lot of time breaking past my barriers, and I could never love anyone as much as I love him. At the end of October, I'm finally, FINALLY flying down to see him face-to-face and spend a couple weeks with him. He constantly tells me I'm incredibly sexy, and tells me how much I turn him on (I have TERRIBLE self esteem, so I just don't see it, but I'm really touched he does). I'm trying desperately to push my boundaries in an attempt to be more.. sexual with him. But I'm never, ever comfortable doing it, though I think that has more to do with my self esteem. He has been unbelievably understanding that I'm asexual, and wants me to take my time, and never, ever pushes me to be sexual with him, but it's something I would LIKE to be able to do. He's the first person I've ever met not driven by his dick immediately. He has even read a ton of resources to try and understand what being asexual means, so he can try and better understand me. I also know he plans to propose to me while I'm there. So I absolutely want to be comfortable with my husband-to-be.

tl;dr: I'm seeing my boyfriend of over two years, and I want him to be my first. I'm terrified of the pain I may feel for my first time, and I'm terrified of the consequences (like pregnancy, we're eachother's firsts so STDs are not a concern). I would really appreciate ANY advice for trying to make myself more comfortable about the idea, and no, I'm not being pressured to have sex with him, it's my decision.

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Hey there :)

First off, Congratulations :D and good luck meeting your partner for the first time, Facte-to-Face :)

It's incredibly amazing that he understands you so well and has even gone to read about asexuality so much. It is indeed lucky you two found each other :)

I have never been in a relationship nor have I had any kind of sexual encounter, never! So I can tell you what I feel from my perspective. There was a time when I wanted to have a sexual encounter when I was questioning myself to know what I actually am. I wanted to try it so bad (PS: I had no desire to, just to know what it is) and I was terrified of the consequence or even if I would have been able to let myself be with someone physically. And all the other things you mentioned.

Do not do it if you are not comfortable, meet him, build comfort (meeting face to face can be a different experience than just meeting over a medium). Since he's willing to take it at your pace, you don't have anything to worry about. Plan a date and mentally prepare yourself for it. Not all people experience pain the first time they have sex. But stop any time you feel really weird or uncomfortable, you can try again :) I'm sure you would have read about sex, all you need to do is prepare yourself for it. Sounds easy to tell, but the mental process IS difficult. The key is to be comfortable with him in person and then just let things happen.....at your own pace :) Reading helps a lot, and there are a lot of videos on YouTube about first time sex. If it helps, try doing it on your own.

I don't know if it was of any help, but I hope you have a great time with your partner. Do let us know if he proposes to you ^-^

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Dont marry him until you are really sure how you and him connect sexually. Seriously. You might end up hating sex and he might want more sex from you than you can handle. Also, he might claim that he can handle your asexuality but he is only saying that because your apart. He wont know that until you and him are together more. Just avoid marriage talks until you guys have more experience with one another.

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Yes to what everyone else is say about taking your time and making sure you are comfortable. Don't rush. There will be other opportunities if you don't feel up to it this time.

First thing, get more comfortable with your body. Yes, I am telling you to masturbate. He's not going know what to do for you if you can't help him out a little. This is true experienced men, as well. What works with one woman may not work with another. Totally NSFW link with cartoon vulvas. Here's another NSFW with cartoon vulvas.

As for pregnancy, wear a condom and use a back up method (pills, sponge, etc) and you will be able to relax knowing you're pretty much covered when it comes to that. If he gets offended about being asked to wear a condom, he's an asshole. You shouldn't have to remind him about the pregnancy issue. Never ever take anyone's word when they say they're disease free, especially because men cannot be tested for HPV. You don't know how many stories I've heard where just one time resulted in something incurable.

As for pain, pain (and even blood) usually comes from lack of foreplay and being nervous. When you think you've had enough foreplay, do it some more. The body has to adjust (some would say relax) and create adequate lubrication. I also recommend buying a condom friendly water-based lube. A little bit messy is better than pain. Read here and here about that stupid "hymen" thing. Get checked out by a gynecologist if you haven't already. Even though I hate the word virgin when it's not referring to the music label or airline, here's something from the people that brought you cartoon vulvas.

You can work your way up to it. You don't have to go from hugs to sex in one day or even one month or one year. Don't do anything you don't want to do.

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I second pretty much whatever Borkfork has said about masturbation and foreplay to avoid pain. Even with two experienced sexual people it often takes some time (and several times) to adjust to each other, so IMHO you shouldn’t rely on your partner to teach you about the pleasures of sex. Exploring your own body will not only teach you about where you like to be touched and how, but also – how quickly you get excited, how your body reacts to arousal and such. That way at least your own body won’t surprise you during your first time.

Also, since we’re talking details, I wouldn’t recommend starting with PtoV sex – if it’s acceptable for the both of you, it might be safer to check how your body reacts to penetration with something smaller – like fingers.

Anyway, however you chose to do it, being open with your partner is the key – if you can discuss your likes and dislikes, and you’re both willing to learn how to better perform in bed, you should be fine even if either of you makes mistakes.

Best wishes.

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I'm definitely familiar with masturbating, but I simply can't imagine having sex with someone, and have never had any desire to do so. I can enjoy porn, but the thought of being someone involved has never been a turn-on for me, and I've never felt any desire to be involved in sex or anything related. Like I said, we're each others' firsts, so I'm not worried about STDs (we will be using a condom still, of course!), just the pregnancy and pain parts. I'll definitely talk to my doctor about going on the pill, as I do want the back-up. I'm also HPV vaccinated, and while I'm aware that doesn't cover all types of HPV, it makes me feel a bit safer. I know he'll be patient, and will NOT want to push me, he's the kind of person who simply couldn't do that to a woman, ESPECIALLY me. Whether I enjoy the sex or not, I still plan on saying 'yes' to him, because he is everything to me, and he's always made sure I knew I'm everything to him. I'm willing to compromise, and so is he. I was definitely surprised when I found out he'd actually done all this research on what asexuality means in human terms, and he asked questions, and made sure that I clarified certain points for him. I didn't make him do it, he did it on his own, just so he could understand me better. I always feel so bad when I tell him I simply can't bring myself to do anything sexually romantic with him on camera, but he reassures me with the utmost caring, takes care of himself, and returns to me to dote his love on me. He has told me that if we DO have intercourse, he wants me to be very vocal, tell him what I like, what I don't like, and he wants to make sure I have the control, since of course it'll be enjoyable for him, but for me, especially my first time, might not be.

Like I said, I've masturbated (mostly through external stimulation), and I enjoy it, but I know my body, and I've never done anything with actual penetration. I want it to be perfect for both of us. Thank you everyone for your advice, especially borkfork.. it makes me feel a little better that there are ways to prevent/lessen the pain, as long as we spend lots of time 'building up'. He's more concerned about me feeling good than about him feeling good, and it's very strange for me to put my trust in anyone the way I have him. And thank you for the great links, I'll definitely be doing some more research!

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I also think that you shouldn't start with PiV, especially since you say he has no experience, either.

Also, don't set your expectations too high, particularly on the part where you think he'll enjoy it. For me, being sexual with an asexual can sometimes feel like more of a chore than something enjoyable. It's by no means guaranteed that it'll be fun just because I'm sexual, especially if I know the other derives no pleasure from it.

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At the end of October, I'm finally, FINALLY flying down to see him face-to-face and spend a couple weeks with him.

[...]

I also know he plans to propose to me while I'm there. So I absolutely want to be comfortable with my husband-to-be.

I only want to point this out, because this is something my mom warned me about with regard to my own relationship since she been burned twice before by hasty engagements:

Be wary about getting outright engaged to someone you haven't even spent time living with before. You may not fully understand yet what it will actually be like to *live* with this person.

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Can't you marry someone and end up living separately? I don't understand why marriage should be about living together. Some people prefer to live alone and have frequent visits instead.

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15 years+ ago, I thought that "I'm asexual!" Was another way of saying " I'm feeling a bit awkward about sex and please dont expect me to be awesome and wild", and it took me 15 years to realize it! Funny thing is, that she didnt really know back then!

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Congrats! I'd try to be as honest as you can about your feelings with him beforehand, so then he can be sensitive and try to make you feel more comfortable. If at any time you don't, don't be afraid to tell him. It's great that he sounds so respectful and caring.

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(TMI)

You know, your first time isn't necessarily going to hurt. It can, but if it does that's largely going to be because your muscles aren't loose enough. Female-bodied individuals need prep time for things to be comfortable, so before actual assertion it would be a good idea if there was foreplay involved . . . although, if you masturbated and then the two to you did the deed, that'd be good enough, yes? For about twenty minutes or so. Also, if it makes you feel any better at all, this isn't going to last long. I'm talking about actual PIV, if that's what you guys will do. Since it'll be his first time, it'll just take a few minutes, tops. Most people I've talked to and heard from lasted less than five minutes on their first go (the majority being between one to three minutes).

(END TMI)

Anyway . . . what was I gonna say? Oh yeah!

Tarfeather has a point in that not everyone who marries actually lives together . . . but when you say that he's going to propose, living together is likely what's on your mind. And if it is:

Don't do it unless you've stayed with him and you know what he's like in real life. People often make the mistake of assuming that someone online is exactly the same as how they are in reality, but that's not true. It's not about people deceiving you, it's about everyday quirks that they don't even think about. When I met a friend of mine for the first time--we'd been friends for four years, but had never actually seen each other in real life--she was pretty damn spacey. She'd never mentioned that to me, and it didn't bother me, but if she and I had been girlfriends and we were wanting to move in together, and that was something that seriously bothered me--well, that's a road block, isn't it?

Hmm . . . some more stuff . . . wanting to have sex for your partner despite not really wanting to is something that many asexuals mess up on, though not necessarily in the sense that you're thinking. If sex doesn't work for you, don't do it. If you do it a lot in the beginning and then stop because you can't stand doing it anymore, it's going to cause problems. I'm not saying that you should never have sex ever, because if you're okay doing it then fine . . . but I am suggesting that I have yet to personally hear from an asexual (on here or otherwise) who's said that they routinely have sex with their partner (as in, once or twice a week). Just . . . take it easy. Go slow. Go at your own pace. If you can handle it, then perhaps start at once a month and see how that goes. Of course once a month is far from ideal for a sexual, but it's possible that if you do do it once a month, you can become more comfortable with doing it more regularly. Once a month could also turn into twice a month, or three times a month, or four times a month, or more. On the other hand, it might turn out that even once a month is too much. But you need to know these things, and so does he. :)

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but I am suggesting that I have yet to personally hear from an asexual (on here or otherwise) who's said that they routinely have sex with their partner (as in, once or twice a week).

\

There are a number of us who do/did. I did for many decades. But I never liked it; I did it because my partner wanted it. I'd thought it would eventually pleasurable, but nope, never did. So test yourself BEFORE you ever decide to move in together. It is much more difficult to step away from someone once you have had sex a number of times and you haven't told them how you feel about sex. How you feel about sex is different from how you feel about him. Most sexuals see sex as part of their love life; asexuals don't. He needs to under stand the difference between you two.

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Can't you marry someone and end up living separately? I don't understand why marriage should be about living together. Some people prefer to live alone and have frequent visits instead.

Sure, people can do this if that's what they both want, but kinda like what you've been finding out lately with regard to the whole poly relationship setup, that not actually going to be what most of your prospective partners will want. I doubt it's what the OP's partner wants, at any rate.

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but I am suggesting that I have yet to personally hear from an asexual (on here or otherwise) who's said that they routinely have sex with their partner (as in, once or twice a week).

\

There are a number of us who do/did. I did for many decades. But I never liked it; I did it because my partner wanted it. I'd thought it would eventually pleasurable, but nope, never did. So test yourself BEFORE you ever decide to move in together. It is much more difficult to step away from someone once you have had sex a number of times and you haven't told them how you feel about sex. How you feel about sex is different from how you feel about him. Most sexuals see sex as part of their love life; asexuals don't. He needs to under stand the difference between you two.

And I stand corrected haha

But, OP, that might be good news for you! It means that there IS a fair enough chance that you won't mind having sex regularly ^_^

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I actually did mind it. But obviously, I was able to deal with it (until I heard about asexuality and realized what was going on).

And one person's experience doesn't translate to another person's experience.

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