Romantic in a relationship with a possible aromantic that says she isn't a asexual.

[daca23]

I am a guy. Me and my female friend are together now. I started hugging and kissing her and she is cold as ice. She told me she doesn't like being hugged and kissed. I was wondering how, because when we were friends she hugged me all the time. I went to her place and we were watching movies. We really watched movies. We didn't do anything except that and talking. We made out a bit because i was pushing it. Like she is forced to be in a relationship with me. I don't know what to do. She told me it's not my fault, that it's hers... She says she isn't a asexual. Help?

[Lara Black]

Hello, daca23.

Your friend might not feel that the label “Asexual” fits her personal preferences or just might not like the sound and implications of it. Sometimes it helps to look at your relationships and the person in them without any labels at all. What does and doesn’t she like? What is she comfortable with? Can the two of you discuss the matter and look for some sort of a mutually pleasant compromise?

If not, it might be better for you to return to being friends (if that’s still an option) regardless of what you might feel towards one another. If the both of you are ready to work things out, you might still have fulfilling (albeit a bit untraditional) relationships.

[Starlit Sky]

Aromantic =/= asexual, though sometimes it seems like it does to someone new to the concept. A heterosexual person can aromantic, in the same way that an asexual can be heteromantic. She might really not be asexual. . . . Or, like with what was said above, she might just not like the implications that asexuality could bring.

[daca23]

It's getting worse and worse. I saw her the entire day and didn't kiss her once. I literally want to die.

[Guest]

Um, break up with her. She's not going to change, and whether she is or isn't asexual doesn't matter. I'm not asexual but I definitely don't want to kiss everyone I like. Ya'll were friends first... is it possible she felt pressured into the relationship in the first place? Maybe she didn't want to lose a friend and maybe she flirted, stuff like that, but doesn't actually feel the way you feel. In any case, her sexuality isn't relevant here, but the very clear chasm between your feelings and hers most definitely is.

[daca23]

Well i told her like 3 times that i don't want her to be pressured. She said she isn't. She said she is having bad days. This is so frustrating.

[Salted Karamel]

It's also possible she just isn't up for making out? It doesn't sound unusual to me to go an entire day without hugging or kissing; in fact, being unable to go a day without it sounds a bit unreasonable to me. It's possible there's nothing "wrong" or "off" about her level of attraction or desire for physical acts, but rather there is something "off" with yours.

[Starlit Sky]

You know OP . . . I was wondering . . . why exactly do you call her aromantic? Is it solely because she doesn't like hugs or kisses, or is there something else there?

It's also possible she just isn't up for making out? It doesn't sound unusual to me to go an entire day without hugging or kissing; in fact, being unable to go a day without it sounds a bit unreasonable to me. It's possible there's nothing "wrong" or "off" about her level of attraction or desire for physical acts, but rather there is something "off" with yours.

Deeefinitely not. Everyone has certain needs and wants and just as there is nothing wrong with not wanting hugs, there's nothing wrong with wanting hugs (and kisses) every day. In fact, it's a definite thing that hugging your partner every day can be far more beneficial than you'd think in a relationship. I don't just mean a mental "placebo" thing either, I'm talking about chemicals, such as oxytocin and serotonin. You can read this.

I'm definitely in the camp of wanting hugs every day, and there's nothing off about it. :)

[daca23]

Not even a hello kiss? Like she just says hi and that's it. Most weirdest thing i experienced in a while. We wre in her room and she was near me. She layed down on my chest and i put my hand around her. She said dont do that. I mean i don't know if i can keep up with this. We are only two days in a relationship and i am already tired. I love her too much to brake up.

[Salted Karamel]

Not even a hello kiss? Like she just says hi and that's it. Most weirdest thing i experienced in a while. We wre in her room and she was near me. She layed down on my chest and i put my hand around her. She said dont do that. I mean i don't know if i can keep up with this. We are only two days in a relationship and i am already tired. I love her too much to brake up.

This is only your second day in this relationship? Then there's nothing wrong at all; you just have different expectations about how much physical contact is going to be in that relationship. She is communicating her expectations to you, and instead of listening and being okay with that and respecting her boundaries you're acting like there's something wrong with her because your expectations are way higher. That doesn't sound like love to me; that sounds like lust and/or infatuation, possible projection of the idea of love onto your new girlfriend who you're really just getting to know, and a selfish desire to have your needs met at the cost of what does and does not make her comfortable.

It's also possible she just isn't up for making out? It doesn't sound unusual to me to go an entire day without hugging or kissing; in fact, being unable to go a day without it sounds a bit unreasonable to me. It's possible there's nothing "wrong" or "off" about her level of attraction or desire for physical acts, but rather there is something "off" with yours.

Deeefinitely not. Everyone has certain needs and wants and just as there is nothing wrong with not wanting hugs, there's nothing wrong with wanting hugs (and kisses) every day. In fact, it's a definite thing that hugging your partner every day can be far more beneficial than you'd think in a relationship. I don't just mean a mental "placebo" thing either, I'm talking about chemicals, such as oxytocin and serotonin. You can read this.

I knew that wording was going to trip someone up despite the quotes. =\ I'm not the best at finding the right words to match my ideas.

For one thing, I definitely, purposely didn't say his needs were "wrong," despite that repeating the word there would have made more sense with repeating the word "off." I chose the words "wrong" and "off" and put them in quotation marks because they are not my ideas, but rather I was borrowing the ideas that are often had about people in that situation. Then I reused the word "off" to flip the situation around so he could see it from the other way; I left the word "wrong" out because I do not think either case is "wrong," even if I may have been quoting the perception about people in the first camp as being that way. But I do think it is way outside the norm to expect cuddling all the time every day like that.

I'm not going to continue arguing semantics with anyone. I try my best to express myself in words and if that isn't good enough for anyone that's too bad, because it's either do my best or not have the right to speak at all.

[Starlit Sky]

I still don't get why you say she's aromantic. Is she aromantic because she doesn't like touching the way you do???

I'm not going to continue arguing semantics with anyone. I try my best to express myself in words and if that isn't good enough for anyone that's too bad, because it's either do my best or not have the right to speak at all.

Expecting cuddling every day is definitely ridiculous if the other person doesn't want to do it! ^_^

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that by joining AVEN people sign an invisible contract that states that there will be multiple times where people try to take apart what you said--either because they genuinely didn't understand or just because they want to be nitpicky. I know I've both done it and had it done to me on more than one occasion haha

[daca23]

Well she doesnt like to hugg. I did send her some photos of my abs and upper body and she sent me her provocative pic. That's cool with me but when i go to her place we just sit and talk. If you know what i mean

[Starlit Sky]

I do know what you mean.

But honestly, that actually doesn't indicate anything about being aromantic at all. There are many aromantics who like to hug. :)

[grapes]

it sounds like you're being way too pushy to me... 2 days into a relationship and you're already frustrated? don't you like her for who she is, not how much contact she gives you? i'm sorry if this sounds rude, but let things move gradually and at their own pace. it's only been 2 days. give it time, hang out with her, appreciate her as a person - and that has nothing to do with sexual and romantic orientations

[Guest]

How old are you? I assumed young, but now I assume very young because of the two days thing. My relationships when I was younger were much less physical than the later ones. I had a "boyfriend" when i was like 13 and we never even touched... I was dying to kiss him, and vice versa, but we were such chickenshits that it never happened. We were "together" for almost a year. My first girlfriend... I was 18, she was 17, it took us about 6 months before we kissed.

That said, it's totally a different situation when the person is a close, old friend. You guys already know each other. You already appreciate her for her, and you already spent lots of time with her. So in this specific case, it's weirder that she's shutting down all physical contact. I mean, that's basically the difference between before, when you were just friends, and now that you're a couple, right?

Still, a couple days is just too short to know what's up. Even very sexual/ physical people aren't necessarily going to switch immediately into cuddle/sex mode.