What exactly is Gray Asexuality and how do you know for sure if you are Gray-Ace?

[Katerin]

Is it somewhere between sexual and asexual? Are there definite ways you can determine you are this form of sexuality?

[Starlit Sky]

Yes, it's somewhere between being sexual and asexual. Some people are closer to the sexual sphere and so call themselves gray-sexual instead of gray-asexual, but the ones we see most here are gray-A's (which makes sense, of course).

I think the thing that would really help you to better understand the gray area is to really adapt the mindset that sexuality is a spectrum of sorts, where people aren't always "just" one thing or another. There are layers and sub-sections and hidden lairs where we have tea and cake every Tuesday (usually in the mid-morning, if you ever want to join us). The only qualifier is that they occasionally feel sexual attraction for . . . whatever reason is unique to them. The only way a person can have an idea of whether or not they fit into that label is if they have had just a few experiences like it . . . I mean, if you're pretty much ace, but there are those few times where you've looked at somebody and been all like, "Daaaamn I'd like to tap that!" then you're going to know if you're like that, you know what I mean? ^_^

[A-Critter]

Good question, and I can only give you my take on it (and can't say 'definite' often applies to my thinking on these topics ;) ).

It's a matter of motivation for partnered sex. Some are very motivated and will take any opportunity, even jeopardizing committed relationships for the desire of having sex with someone. Others (classic asexuals) have no interest in sex with anyone. Others like me are in the middle. I don't seek out partners and have often turned down opportunities but when in a relationship for other reasons I enjoy the sexual aspects. So I've had just a few partners in my life while another gay guy I know started having sex with others in high school and has had a hundred or more partners.

It's a matter of degree.

[Katerin]

Could I consider myself gray-A if I only experience sexual desire and sexual attraction before or in the beginning of menstruation?

When I am not on my period, I may feel swxual attraction sometimes, but not enough to feel like having sex. I rarely experience sexual desire. Most of the time my attraction to a person is aesthetic, platonic, or slightly sexual. . . but it doesn't go much further than that.

[Evelweevil]

Hormones can definitely play into sexual desire levels, but I don't know how it exactly plays into a cis-woman's biology exactly. I am a MTF that, after two years of being on hormone replacement therapy, went from a gray-sexual to a gray-a who is mostly into sadomasochism far, far more than intercourse. I really never had a high drive or love for intercourse to begin with, and the sex was just to make my partner happy but was never really because I wanted sex par-say. She could have asked for me to cook her dinner, sung a song, etc and I would have done it.

After the HRT and an operation took place, I couldn't perform even if I wanted to...which, to be honest, I don't really want to. The decrease of my hormones was, for lack of better terms, a godsend. Sex was always work...a chore.

My guess is women are most fertile while they are menstruating...I have heard of a few grays wanting to have babies but not into sex a whole lot, so that may be why you feel this way during those times.

[Maulbeere]

I id as aro-ace, but sometimes wonder if I'm gray-a, or maybe wtfsexual because i just periodically burn out of the whole question and ignore it all for a bit.

The way I experience it, I've never crushed on a celebrity or anybody, I've had squishes that I thought were how everybody else also did crushes, and was shocked the day I found out people fantasised about having sex with other people. How weird is that?

I've never once, ever been able to look at a person, statue, or body part and have that turn me on. That whole idea is alien to me. It's so normal to allosexuals that nobody explained it to me, and it took me forever to figure out how some people, usually straight cis-men, could look at my photo and decide they wanted to meet and have sex - I was like, "but, but you don't know me?"

I've been able to feel attraction maybe once in my life, and I'm over 40. That is the one reason I might consider myself gray-a, that one guy. That was a casual, off the cuff thing that came out of a date when I was still trying to find freinds that were also intimate. But once the relationship ended, although the person still tries to contact me for sex, I've zero interest in them.

But I do enjoy sex, specifically because I have a libido, which I guess might be higher than some. I enjoy sex like any other fun physical activity, like hiking or trampolining, or swimming. I can't orgasm with others, but I masturbate almost daily.

Finding a partner is complicated though, because I'm aromantic and very much not the huggy/touchy/feely type. I hate kissing and cuddling. I've had partners, but I've been with them for the friendship and sex is a fun thing to do together, once trust is established, that they seem to really enjoy and i get a kick out of that,,, hey, if I had a pool in my backyard I'd probably be in that every day and enjoy watching them go apeshit in that too. It's amazing to me how people can have sex as if it's the first time over and over again and not get bored. I got into kink just to find ways to make it interesting and got bored of that too. But I'm not the type to repeat rides at the theme part either - repetition irritates me. Hiking, swimming and running appeal because i get lost in my thoughts and have some quality me-time... THAT would be nice to share.

So, the partners I've had, usually equated sex with intimacy and romance all mixed up together, and sooner or later they'd get attached, regardless that I've told them I'm aromantic, and start trying to force romance on me. Which means it's time to leave - and in breaking off the sexual part of the friendship, they usually drift away, because they can't be friends, they only wanted an amatonormative thing..

By the way, I'm agendered but afab and do menstruate, and do notice an increase in libido with the increase in hormones.

When I haven't stumbled into a sexual relationship, I'm not looking for one and don't care. Until recently I used to try to date, and could never get to talk to anyone enough to get turned on and would wonder why. Sometimes I would meet people just because I thought I was repressed or shy and should "just jump in" and get over it. But in the end, if company is what I really want, joining a class or a meetup is more satisfying and safer than trying to find a partner to trade 'trampolining' for conversation. I could never have sex again and would feel the same way about never seeing, oh, some holiday location I enjoyed again. I remember it was fun, but there are plenty other fun things to do and see too.

[fissiparity]

My interpretation of grey asexuality is those with a very low sex drive so not proper asexuality at all.

[Dobos Torte]

I see it like this: I am really, really attracted to this one person and anything would go in an ideal situation.

Other than that...sex is overrated and people talk about it way too much. Autosexuality? Ain't nobody got time for that. Flirting? There are better things I can do with my time.

[Calix Stay]

on that note-- anyone wanna' chime in on the topic of autochorissexuality??  I can't seem to get a very clear picture of this, though from what I've read, it seems to describe me.  is this a kind of "gr-ace"?  Or is it somehow just too weird, even in the ace community?  I keep seeing th' word "paraphilia" attached to any discussion of this topic, but then I"m wondering if we're either over- or under-analyzing th' whole thing... anyone wanna chime in??

Autochorissexuality: The disconnection between oneself and the target or object of arousal. May involve sexual fantasies or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities.

[UrbanPrimitive]

@Katerin - After better than a decade of this information swirling around in the back of my head I've come to use grey as a handy catch-all term for all the vagueries on the asexual spectrum. Short version - if you think you might be somewhere in the greysexual/greyasexual spectrum, you probably are. The grey umbrella covers a lot of territory and can include experiences attributed to demisexuality, autochorisexuality/anegosexuality, et cetera. If the term is a comfort to you and provides a useful handle as you continue to explore your internal sexual/attraction experience, go to it.

 

@Calix Stay - I've encountered a surprising amount of pushback when discussing autochorisexuality/anegosexuality. I've been told it's everything from a fetish to "fake ace". My take is the ace community is a step apart from the LGB community in that we're discussing what attraction is and whether or not we have it, not just who we're attracted to. Autochorisexuals (full disclosure: I identify as auto) are discussing how the mechanism of attraction functions in addition to context sensitive cues that alter the experiential nature of attraction. There is a categorical shift in the way attraction, arousal, and orientation function that can make for difficult conversations with aces and allos alike. My current theory is that autochorisexuality is a mechanism that may or may not be present regardless of libido or sexual orientation, but that the internal schism it creates is most obvious among greys who feel moderate libido but significantly reduced or absent attraction. In that context sexual impulse and libido still lead to internally engaging in fantasy, but strictly fantasy that is divorced from the individual doing the fantasizing and quite likely divorced from anyone in close enough proximity to present as a potential sexual partner.

 

I have more thoughts on this, but I have to return to work. Let's call this the first in a two part reply.

[Calix Stay]

3 hours ago, UrbanPrimitive said:

@Katerin - I have more thoughts on this, but I have to return to work. Let's call this the first in a two part reply.

I'm most curious as to what these other thoughts are!!  My thanks for your thoughts so far.