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Navigating New Pronouns and Name at Work and Home


MusicallyCraftyWriter

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MusicallyCraftyWriter

I've talked a bit about this before, about my dilemma with coming out as non-binary in my workplace when I work for the Housing department of a public University that does not have gender neutral housing yet. Since then, not only have I come out at work, but I have asked by boss (and he's talked to his bosses) and those that work under me to use my preferred pronouns and my chosen name. It just hit me while I was writing a report one day and I had to keep using my given name and gendered pronouns that "this isn't me". It's hard to explain, but it was just an "Ah ha!" moment and everything made sense and shifted into place.

I'm really lucky, because the whole department has been really great about making an effort to switch over to my new name and pronouns when possible. Because we are a public University and technically government employees, I do have to use my legal name on some things. But in conversation, they already use "Arty" more often than my given name and they haven't even known that name for an entire week yet. I was floored and really touched, because it still surprises me when people make an effort (coming from a private University where I couldn't even come out as Asexual, much less Androgynous for fear of some really not nice things happening).

I guess now I'm wondering how to tell my family. We've only just started building a trusting relationship and I really have no idea how they will react. I know they won't understand my internal world and perceptions of it. And I really don't have a lot of hope they will every call me Artemis or Arty. I'm prepared for that, but I'm still scared of how they will react. I don't know if they will still accept me, regardless of whether or not I'm their "little girl" anymore. Especially since it has been so long since I have seen them face to face. Anybody got advice on coming out to family?

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butterflydreams

Well that's great to hear about work. It's always nice to hear people making the effort. I know I worry that it's too much work for them, but I'm told by many people it's really not.

As for family...well, it depends what you want. You seem pretty sure they won't call you the name you want. What reactions do you think they might have? Is it worth it? Is it something you'd rather do in person or over the phone or email?

My biggest suggestion would be that in whatever way you tell them, focus more on the "I am your child and I am growing into myself/becoming happier/etc/etc" rather than a trans 101 session. Sometimes people won't be able to get past the mental block of "what it means to be trans" but it's easier for them to accept that their child is their child, their sibling is their sibling, etc.

Most importantly, map out your very worst case scenario for the outcome. Prep for that, and don't skimp. That's one thing I really wish I had done better. If things go way south, you want to have some way out. For me, it would've been lining up supportive people to be available when my mom responded to my letters/emails. Instead, what happened was I got the horrible responses and had to deal with it largely by myself. The last time I talked to my mom (in a letter with a recent photo of me) I did a much better job of planning. I had my brother available to read my mom's email response for me. And even then, rejection, especially from parents, still really hurts. Do all you can to protect yourself and care for yourself after the worst...should the worst happen.

After all that, maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe they'll be accepting and you were worried for no reason. I wish you the very best and hope that that will be your outcome!

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