My mum wants me to be her little girl/princess... (rant)

[j a c k]

I wasn't too sure where to put this so if it's in the wrong pace feel free to move it!

So I identify as aromantic, asexual and agenderflux. I'm out to my parent's about being ace but not about the other two.

The thing that's been bothering me is my mum. I love her with all my heart but she really wants me to be her little girl/princess. It's frustrating because I don't mind dressing up all feminine and such but I want to be her prince sometimes too.

When I suggested I wear a suit to my school ball (prom) my mum was completely against it. She was completely against me wearing a suit. She didn't want me to look masculine at all. I was taken back by how completely against it she was. We ended up getting a dress. While I am grateful that she went to an effort to get me a dress I was still a little sad that she wasn't supportive.

I've heard my parents say some pretty transphobic things. If they can't handle transgender people than I don't think they can handle non binary genders. I really want to able to share something that I consider a big part of who I am with my parents but I'm too scared to do so but I'm also tired of being treated exclusively like a girl? I'm not sure if that makes sense.

I needed to get this out of my system. Input is appreciated thanks for reading!

[Amedot]

The thing that's been bothering me is my mum. I love her with all my heart but she really wants me to be her little girl/princess. It's frustrating because I don't mind dressing up all feminine and such but I want to be her prince sometimes too.

Parents have dreams for their children... and while I understand that, children aren't dolls you can dress up and dictate every behavior and movement. She wants you to act and behave and look a very specific way, but that's not who you are. Yes, you like being feminine sometimes, but you're a multifaceted person... I think you should sit down and explain to your mum that you know she loves you, and you know she has dreams for you, but you are your own person and self expression is very important to you. Sometimes, you want to dress or act masculine, and that is valid and you wish you had her support.

[NerotheReaper]

Parents usually plan their children's entire future before they are born. Once they find out the sex of the baby, they design the nursery and get clothes for the baby. For me, I was an interesting baby. For my ultrasounds I was always hiding from the camera, and they really couldn't figure out my sex until the very end. I wonder if that should been a warning that I was not going to line up with my birth sex.

In regards to wearing a suit to prom, was it more of her not allowing you. Or was it the school, because I know a lot of schools are against crossdressing.

Talk with her, and explain how you feel (easier said than done).

Hopefully she comes around, and maybe try to take baby steps with her.

[Nylocke]

I would feel them out a bit. Many times people are transphobic until they get educated otherwise. Only in the case if your parents are really really religious then you do better to say nothing. Take it from me, religious folks only define a human by their genitalia only. So to them if its got a vagina then its a woman and vise versa.

[j a c k]

In regards to wearing a suit to prom, was it more of her not allowing you. Or was it the school, because I know a lot of schools are against crossdressing.

Talk with her, and explain how you feel (easier said than done).

Hopefully she comes around, and maybe try to take baby steps with her.

School doesn't really care if you wear a suit as a person who is born female (I can't say the same for boys though...they're probably only allowed to wear suits)

I think i'll wait until i'm out of high school until I say anything.. until I'm out of the house you know?

thanks to everyone who replied! ^_^

[SleepyFox]

Ohhh ouch. That's a tough one. I totally understand your whole "I want to be her prince sometimes too". I wish my mum would see me like that.

This doesn't help with the formal wear but maybe you could try adding in masculine touches to your casual clothes? Or start with feminine-looking masculine clothes?

All I have is my own experiences but before I came out as agender I started wearing long waistcoats with long sleeved shirts and things which can give a nice androgynous but vaguely feminine look. (I'm a history geek so I used heaps of 18th century styled men's clothes for the androgynous look.)

As for the pronouns thing - I don't know anything that will help except maybe getting trusted friends to call you by what you want?

I hope it all works out for you :/

[Heart]

I would feel them out a bit. Many times people are transphobic until they get educated otherwise. Only in the case if your parents are really really religious then you do better to say nothing. Take it from me, religious folks only define a human by their genitalia only. So to them if its got a vagina then its a woman and vise versa.

To be fair, not all religious people, or even all very religious people, will be unaccepting of trans and genderqueer people. Certainly, there are many religious people (from every religion) who won't be accepting, but there will also be agnostics and atheists who do the same. I don't think someone's religious standing is a perfect indicator of whether or not they will accept a genderqueer child. Many religious people will decide it's against the tenants of their religion, but many who are of the same religious background will also follow tenants of unconditional love of fellow human beings.

Perhaps I'm being naive, but I believe that everyone, regardless of their religion, deserves at least a sounding-out. You don't have to come out right away and without planning, but at least give them a chance through their actions or words to show you whether they might accept your or not. Everyone deserves a chance ^_^

[butterflydreams]

I would feel them out a bit. Many times people are transphobic until they get educated otherwise. Only in the case if your parents are really really religious then you do better to say nothing. Take it from me, religious folks only define a human by their genitalia only. So to them if its got a vagina then its a woman and vise versa.

To be fair, not all religious people, or even all very religious people, will be unaccepting of trans and genderqueer people. Certainly, there are many religious people (from every religion) who won't be accepting, but there will also be agnostics and atheists who do the same. I don't think someone's religious standing is a perfect indicator of whether or not they will accept a genderqueer child. Many religious people will decide it's against the tenants of their religion, but many who are of the same religious background will also follow tenants of unconditional love of fellow human beings.

Perhaps I'm being naive, but I believe that everyone, regardless of their religion, deserves at least a sounding-out. You don't have to come out right away and without planning, but at least give them a chance through their actions or words to show you whether they might accept your or not. Everyone deserves a chance ^_^

No, not naive at all. It honestly is so dependent on the person themselves. Their religion has less to do with it than you'd think. Both of my grandmothers, very, very religious. One Catholic, the other Jehovah's Witness. They're both dead now, but my Jehovah's Witness grandmother slapped my hand when she saw my nails were painted. My Catholic grandmother passed away over a decade ago, but there was an unwavering sweetness in her heart. I have no doubts at all that she would've loved me just the same as who I am now, because she loved me. I know in my heart she would've offered me emotional refuge from my parents while she sorted them out for me. Then you have my parents who are effectively atheists (well, my dad actually leans towards something that ends up looking like paganism). My mom is probably more atheistic, but conservative as hell pretty much on LGBT stuff only. My dad is vaguely tolerating, and my mom is entirely unaccepting.

It really does boil down to the person themselves. I'm not sure why it often seems so difficult. If I had a child, as long as they weren't hurting anyone or breaking the law, I'd just want them to be happy, no matter what form that took. Plus, personally, my goal is to have that sweetness that my Catholic grandmother had. If I had a child who turned out to be trans, I'd look at it like a mystery surprise. Here I thought I had one thing, but actually...something else! I'd look at it like the unique and beautiful blessing that it is.

[Starbogen]

I can relate to some of that. I also wanted to wear a suit to my prom and my parents, especially my mom, were very against it and I didn't want to wear a dress at all so I was really disappointed with how things went since I did end up having to wear one and "be a girl". A couple of years later I came out to them and it really hasn't been easy because they're pretty transphobic and don't seem to understand or be willing to understand no matter how much I explain how I feel but at least my mom is starting to come around a bit. I still don't think she understands that I can identify as one gender despite my sex not matching it but I think she might be beginning to understand that "being a girl", or at least being the way most girls are or are expected to be, simply isn't how I am and that trying to force that on me just makes me really unhappy.

So I think if you could try to come out to your mom and you think it's safe to do so you should do it and emphasize how you understand where she's coming from but that the way she wants you to be just isn't "you" and she should respect that because otherwise she's just trying to erase an important part of you and that's just hurtful and wrong, try to make her see your point of view. And it might take her a long time to get it but just keep trying and appeal to the part of her that cares more about "you" than about her expectations of you.

[Toothlesss]

In regards to wearing a suit to prom, was it more of her not allowing you. Or was it the school, because I know a lot of schools are against crossdressing.

Talk with her, and explain how you feel (easier said than done).

Hopefully she comes around, and maybe try to take baby steps with her.

School doesn't really care if you wear a suit as a person who is born female (I can't say the same for boys though...they're probably only allowed to wear suits)

I think i'll wait until i'm out of high school until I say anything.. until I'm out of the house you know?

thanks to everyone who replied! ^_^

You're lucky. My high school was a religious school so they were super rigid on the whole heteronormative nonsense.

[Nylocke]

I would feel them out a bit. Many times people are transphobic until they get educated otherwise. Only in the case if your parents are really really religious then you do better to say nothing. Take it from me, religious folks only define a human by their genitalia only. So to them if its got a vagina then its a woman and vise versa.

To be fair, not all religious people, or even all very religious people, will be unaccepting of trans and genderqueer people. Certainly, there are many religious people (from every religion) who won't be accepting, but there will also be agnostics and atheists who do the same. I don't think someone's religious standing is a perfect indicator of whether or not they will accept a genderqueer child. Many religious people will decide it's against the tenants of their religion, but many who are of the same religious background will also follow tenants of unconditional love of fellow human beings.

Perhaps I'm being naive, but I believe that everyone, regardless of their religion, deserves at least a sounding-out. You don't have to come out right away and without planning, but at least give them a chance through their actions or words to show you whether they might accept your or not. Everyone deserves a chance ^_^

Heh no offense but you don't know my folks. When I was a teen I received so much push back just because I was an anime fan. I received pressure from my mom, and my mom received pressure from the church. Unfortunately the opinion of the church was more important then me keeping myself out of trouble in the best way I knew how. While half the youth in my church pretty much went by the waist side, my brother and I were about the only ones who didn't end up in some crap. Luckily the church we're in now we're not so close with the people in it because we don't really know many people despite being there a few years but I don't think that will further change her opinion of anything. if anything I have a better chance with my dad then I do mom because he barely even goes to church anymore. But really now long story short, if my folks had the audacity to give me such a hard time over a medium of entertainment that I engaged in as a hobby(still got good grades, wasn't "wildin out" with bad people, not sleeping around, etc) then what makes you think they are going to be any more accepting of an alternative gender identity? Like I said, I know my folks and I know how they roll. They're used to the fact that I like anime and all now but that doesn't mean they approve of it.

[Heart]

I'm sorry to hear you have such trouble with your parents. I didn't mean to say that they weren't unaccepting, I just meant to say that it's not a generalisation you can make about all religious people. Maybe the people at that church, but not all churches are like that.

*hugs*

[Antihero.]

“We will gradually become indifferent to what goes on in the minds of other people when we acquire a knowledge of the superficial nature of their thoughts, the narrowness of their views and of the number of their errors. Whoever attaches a lot of value to the opinions of others pays them too much honor.”
-Arthur Schopenhauer

It doesn’t matter what your mom or anyone else wants you to be. What matters is who you are and the decisions you make by yourself. Your mom doesn’t get to dictate who you are and how you have to express yourself.
If you want to wear a suit next time, go for it. She doesn’t have to like it and not liking it won’t do her any harm.