Asexual or just scared or what ?

[jaifaim]

Hi there, I’m new here and I’ve been wondering what’s wrong with me since forever and I finally decided to post something even though it might not be that relevant, hahaha.

Sorry this is a little long.

This week I once again started trying to insert a tampon, without any success. I’m 22 and I have tried maybe 5 times but it always hurts me a lot :/

So... once again, that got me thinking, how the hell am I supposed to get a penis in there if I ever get a boyfriend?

Okay, I know that tampons and sex aren’t that related, but I began googling things and overthinking and that led to me wondering about my sexuality. For example, while I was googling tips about tampons, I saw a lot of advice that said “try sticking your finger up there first” and my instant reaction was “ick no.”

This also led me to think about how I have never really felt the urge to masturbate in my life.. It just doesn’t really cross my mind… I don’t even know how it happens, like “Hey I’m bored I’ll masturbate” ?

I’ve felt a little tingle down south at times when I saw an attractive guy, and I’ve had sexy-ish dreams before, so I guess i’m not totally asexual… but I’ve never felt the urge to act upon it, and I don’t feel like I will be miserable if I die a virgin… (Except for the fact that I’d feel like there is something weird about me)

When I hear people talking about their sexual experience, graphic images pop into my mind and make me uncomfortable, and I dislike watching movies that are explicit… I always feel like it’s a bit animalistic, or that I don’t to be “impaled” or "invaded" as someone on here put it (hahaha). The thought of saliva and fluids and germs and inner organs in general has always grossed me out, which doesn't help. I mean, I feel queasy just putting a tampon in!

I’ve never been raped or taught that sex is a bad thing… I don’t think it is, yet it feels like it doesn’t fit with “who I am” ; like, I’ve always felt younger than my age and overly attached to my childhood, too, as if having sex might suddenly make me a different person…? Idk.

Anyway, I don’t know if this really makes sense to anybody but I thought i might as well ask, since none of what I saw online really helped and fit with my situation. I’m just really annoyed at myself and tired of worrying about whether I’ll ever be able to sleep with someone or not someday. I want to learn to accept my differences better, and I guess it would be easier if I tell other people about it, which is easier online.

So.. do you guys think I could be asexual or demisexual (I'm not sure what all the grey areas are) or am I just overthinking too much…

Thank you!

[Member54880]

Welcome! Only you can decide what labels fit you, if you want to use any, but your experiences sound consistent with many asexuals, such as easily feeling okay with never having sex. Feeling repulsed by sexual things, or at the thought of having sex isn't exclusive to asexuality, and not all asexuals are repulsed by them, but it is common among asexuals, and can be independent from your upbringing. Many who are repulsed can tell you that their repulsion to sex doesn't have to do with their upbringing.

Asexuals can still find people attractive, but don't desire sex with others. This thread has some additional information that you may find useful, particularly under the first question: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/123565-read-me-a-guide-and-faq-to-the-asexual-q-a-wonderland/?p=1061355602

[mikeman7918]

It is possible to be sex-repulsed without being asexual, although as Aqua-ace said this is ultimately your call. Do you ever find anyone sexually attractive at all?

[borkfork]

You should speak to a doctor about your tampon pain issue. I always thought they were uncomfortable and spoken to other women who felt the same, but horrible pain did not come up. If you're 22 you're long overdue to see a gynecologist anyway. Even those who haven't had sex need check ups.

[Star Bit]

Since you've never masturbated things may not be "linked up". Considering your arousal from attractive people and dreams, you may end up being sexual. You don't need to try masturbating vaginally if you don't want to; most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm anyways, but you need to try to (link to how to masturbate). The female body is more complicated so you may need to do some exploration on what works for you and it may take several tries. You don't even have to touch your clitoris if you don't want to; just use something else to put pressure on it and move. Females also commonly have sensative turn-ons and turn-offs, so simply just worrying that someone could walk in on you or it being too hot/too cold, etc, could prevent you from reaching orgasm or decrease arousal. And orgasm intensity can differ by person, as well as the time it takes to orgasm.

However, your pain with the tampon may either mean you're clinching your V when inserting it or that you have overly sensitive nerves down there, which takes vaginal sex off the list (though don’t feel odd if this is the case; a minority of people aren’t into penetrative sex). If you rarely get sexually aroused then your hormones may be low (link to hypothyroid symptoms), which may also be the cause of your vaginal sensitivity. Your perspective on sex scenes and childhood doesn't reflect orientation.

[LucyCS]

Hi Jaifaim,

I don't know if this is helpful, but I have had a very similar experience to you. I am 23-year-old female and have never been able to get a tampon in. On the two occasions I have tried it, it has seemed scary and painful and I gave up. I don't know why I can't just wear a tampon like everyone else does but I have made it this long without ever inserting anything up there.

I have never been sexually abused and I have no problem in general with sex, just personally I don't want anything to do with it. Both physically and mentally I am repelled by sex. I admire a beautiful person but not in a sexual way.

I still have never had the desire to have sex with anyone and I am not a huge fan of touching. I also don't know if I am scared or a late bloomer or what. I enjoy being an ace and spending my time thinking about other topics than sex, but I do wonder sometimes why I am this way. Did I talk myself into it? Is that possible? Is my ace-hood temporary? Is there some kind of hormone imbalance? I just don't totally understand it.

Anyways, it's interesting to meet someone who is so similar. I'm totally on the same page with you. Maybe we will never figure it out, who knows there are so many mysteries in life.

LCS

[Star Bit]

As i said, you can check if you have hormone imbalance symptoms with the provided link.

[jaifaim]

I don't know how to reply to everyone one by one haha I'm not that used to forums xD But thank you for your answers ! It's great not to feel judged and that you guys try to help me figure it out !

To answer some of your questions...

First, I have been to a gynecologist, but she said it wasn't a big deal if I didn't do the pap smear right away, the first time. The second time, as soon as she tried to get the speculum in, she barely started but stopped because it really hurt me ?! :/ So the test ended right then and there.

And yes I do find men physically attractive, but I can't say I have ever gotten close enough to one to really see if I wanted to take things further or not. I've never even kissed anyone and whenever I'm around someone I find attractive I get pretty nervous and act disinterested hahah... And there's a also a part of me that doesn't seem to want to be in a relationship, but that might be because I'm scared about the uncertainty of it all, not just sex... but that definitely plays a part in it. Sometimes I feel like if I ever got that far with someone, I would overthink it way too much and not be able to do it.

And yay it's great to see people who seem to understand my situation LCS :) I feel less weird haha

[Star Bit]

There are different sized Vs and there should be two sizes of devices to open it. Mine is small and i needed the smaller one. You could've also been clenching it when she did it.

By physically attractive you mean aesthetically right? That's just called aesthetic attraction; physical attraction is an inaccurate phrase that can be used in many ways (aesthetic, sensual, and sexual attraction) but usually used for sexual attraction. If you've never made out/had foreplay and want to then I'd hold off on a title because half of sexual people (a majority of women and a minority of men) need that to trigger their desire for sex every time.

Your nervousness around attractive people could be platonic (whether you have a squish or just don't want to look bad) or romantic.

Platonic attraction - (aka a friend crush or squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the impulse to further know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, to close friends, to best friends. It may include nervousness or admirance, and once the desired bond is reached the squish goes away.

Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). This is the base requirement, but some people also have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those can also be symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc.

If your romantic attraction fades after getting to know them then that's called Frayromantic; a type of Gray-aromantic. Expecting sex can also be a factor; as unreciprocation can make people lose interest. So maybe try going out with asexuals/go to an asexual meetup (scheduled on and off of AVEN).

[000000]

This week I once again started trying to insert a tampon, without any success. I have tried maybe 5 times but it always hurts me a lot.

It wasn't painful for me, but uncomfortable. When I tried to insert a tampon, it screamed, "No, that's enough, stop it, stop it!" and left me. But really, It is unpleasant for me to poke other things in my vagina.

There are many tampons in different sizes, so perhaps you chose too large ones.

When I hear people talking about their sexual experience, graphic images pop into my mind and make me uncomfortable, and I dislike watching movies that are explicit

I have almost the same problem.

And you know, when I read about other people's sexual experiences, the first sexual intercourse and anything like that, I feel that these people are engaged in some kind of "adult things", and I don't understand them.

But when I watch the erotic scenes in the movies, they don't disgust me. I would say that I am pleased to see them. I love to watch any manifestations of tenderness, watch people touching each other, kissing and even having sex (if it looks aesthetically pleasing).

Look, you shouldn't be afraid of it. I know this is something alien and incomprehensible, and many people are crazy about it. But it's not scary and disgusting.

Asexuals can have sex, even if they don't experience sexual attraction. If I had loved other person, I would like to get close to him/her physically (it is not necessarily to penetrate), to feel the emotional convergence between us. And I also have some personal reasons for that. But in general it wouldn't be a consequence of sexual desire. Just an example.

Don't worry, I know that self-identification is very complicated. Sometimes I don't even understand myself.

[Ghizwiz]

I was exactly like you OP at your age (I'm 50 now). Unfortunately without the internet, I felt quite broken. I'm still unsure of my sexuality, but I have complications of anxiety disorders, so it's complicated ;)

But I can clarify some things for you ladies about difficulty of tampon insertion. I suffered so much anxiety & uncertainty about this myself, I want to put your questions to rest.

It's probably not the "size" of vagina or you getting tense about insertion, it is most like you, like I, are one of the "lucky" women with an unusually thick, inflexible hymen. All the suggestions others give you (it's uncomfortable, but not painful... just ask the dr to use the smallest speculum, and don't tense) are useless if you possess the hymen from hell, like I did :) It took 3 brave visits to gyns and finally pushing them for answers before I finally was told my hymen was so thick it would be impossible to penetrate without causing significant injury, and that women in my condition had 2 options - have surgery (it's called a hymenectomy) or start a program of gradually stretching it over time (months). Don't let anyone downplay this situation, as I even sufferered gyns who didn't want to address it until I forced the issue (had on embarrassed dr tell me about a study of nuns who rarely got cervical diseases, thereby implying I should just give up having a proper pap smear - a&&hole made me cry, but fortunately I kept researching and demanded answers. I later discovered a few women in my condition, one who had the horrific experience of going on her honeymoon, having been told sex would just "happen", only to have her husband physically unable to penetrate her no matter what they tried. The honeymoon was ruined, she went to a dr & had the surgery, afterwhich she could have sex, but the experience was so damaging they got divorced. So we need to talk about this whenever anyone asks - no woman should be alone with this again, if I can help it!

Anyway, back to the fix - I decided to try the stretching, and found they sell a series of graduating size "dildo's" from pencil thin (even that was hard for me at first!) up to a normal size penis. The idea is you get comfortable, lube it up, and wear it for 10-15 minutes (I did this watching TV). Yeah it was uncomfortable & embarrassing, but I was determined & finally was able to move up the levels (never got to the biggest, but it was enough for me to wear a tampon, have a normal pap smear, and remove this part of my terror about having sex). Search "vaginismus cures" and you should find where to buy these - if you can't pm me I'll find link for you.

Or talk to a dr & demand the surgery.

Now, why should you even bother, if you are maybe asexual? My reasons were 1) be able to have a normal physical gyn exam without fear & embarrassment (something most women should have done even if they aren't sexually active - in spite of what the ahole "compare her to a nun" dr thought) 2) it took my fear of the pain of penetration off the table so I could focus on the other aspect of a sexual relationship, to decide if I wanted to pursue one (I did end up experimenting a few times with intercourse, and have pretty much determined I'm axesual, but I wouldn't have been brave enough to try if I hadn't dealt with the "hymen from hell" first) 3) I was able to wear tampons - there are times when tampons are easier to use than pads, ie swimming or athletics, or certain outfits, and I wanted to be able to wear one like any normal woman, dammit. 4) just to feel more "normal" - note this was all before internet, so you may not need this nowadays, as you can find forums like this and realize there are many realms of normalcy! but I always felt a bit 'broken' until I was able to achieve this.

So, this may not be your issue, but wanted to share the fact that impossibly thick, tough hymens exist and are beyond what most women & even drs have ever heard of, and normal advice doesn't work for you if you have one. Don't want another women to struggle through the pain, embarrassment & confusion that I did (I finally figured out my problem and fixed it in my thirties).

And if you do have a hymen from hell, it might not have anything to do with you being asexual or not. It contributed greatly to my fear & worries about sex, and I was too shy to have friends, and had no female relatives I was comfortable asking about this, so for me it was a big issue in my 20's. I do feel I am asexual after all, but it would have helped me figure out myself & spare a lot of self doubt & confusion if I'd have known about this.

PM me if you have anymore questions or need links or more details. I'm not always on here, but I'll check in time to time this week to see if anyone has questions. Take care, ladies :)

[Star Bit]

I later discovered a few women in my condition, one who had the horrific experience of going on her honeymoon, having been told sex would just "happen", only to have her husband physically unable to penetrate her no matter what they tried.

Just to clarify, while her cause for this is obviously the hymen, this can also be due to Vaginismus, which is how most people with the condition end up finding out they have it.