Did you just fit the mold, because 50 years ago-thinking was not allowed?

[Becomingme]

I will happily turn 58 at the end of this month. Like most who are fortunate enough to reach this age, there have been many twists and turns for certain. I was born a woman, in 1958, and I was expected to at some point, fall in love, marry, have babies, grandbabies (stay married) and live happily every after.

No one took into account that I was abandoned by my mother, lived with my grandmother, and married at 17 because I wanted to make sure I would never be thrown away, again. Plenty of therapy fixed most of that, but along the way I always knew that there was something very different about me sexually. I didn't care about sex, but it was expected, That was it. No thinking. Thats the mold, now fit into it.

And this worked through having 4 incredible children, that were worth every minute of living in the prison of "thinking now allowed." I ran a successful business, I eventually divorced after 22 years as my husband was addicted to pain killers for years, and basically never came out of his room. It didnt matter to me EVER that we didnt have sex. The only time I ever wanted it, was to have my children-that was it.

After divorce, I never dated....because it NEVER occurred to me that I would WANT to date-not until my then 16 year old daughter asked me why I didnt. I didnt know what to say to her except-it never occurred to me to do it.

Years later, I met a man who turned out to be my best friend. We did get married, but I was still dragging the mold along with me. He was loving, not demanding, and within a year of our marriage, was diagnosed with cancer and was gone in 3 years. I did love him with all of my soul-but sex never had a thing to do with it.

I have been widowed for 11 years. Alone, and after having faced my own health issues and nearly losing my life, I decided that it was time for me now. Time to think about who I am rather than what I do. This has not been selfish discovery, because I am a better person in the world for taking a look at the person that was born-Me.

I am an artist, and I volunteer my time working with Autistic and Down Syndrome children, helping them express themselves in paint. I am poor financially, on disability, and happier than I have been in my entire life. I put my head on the pillow each night and know I did the best that I could in the world that day-and I am Asexual. It feelsabsolutely great to say it "outloud" here for the first time.

If you have not read the book, Sex or Ice-cream-I highly recommend it. Its free on kindle. A quick read and so sweet and funny too.

Thanks for listening-would love to hear from anyone else that has lived in "Camp, thinking not allowed."

[Mountain Rain]

Hello "becomingme"

I'm new here and not sure how to reply, I hope you get this.

Oh my gosh you literally took my story and put it on paper. I could not have said it better. I'm 64 so I to grew up in that era you spoke about. I too was abandoned, but by my dad. I lived with grandmother and married at 17 too. I have three great boys and a beautiful daughter. As you said and I agree that made it worth the effort.

I too have always felt there was something wrong with me.

I'm currently married to a man who has been dealing with heart failure and diabetes for 13 years so sex has not been an issue for me till recently. He is miraculously getting better and in a recent fight about my lack of desire he sarcastically asked if I was asexual.

I was stunned ...but I gave it some real thought. .did some investigation and you know what. ..I am!

Suddenly all the pieces fell onto place and it was like the biggest relief I have ever felt.

We still have some issues to resolve, it could be a deal breaker for him, but having sex is a deal breaker for me.

Thank you for writing your story. I hope we can be friends.

[Bright Pink]

Hi

Yes! Fitting in the mold is a great way to describe it.

I wanted to be a mother more than anything and that really is the reason why I got married. But when the time came, I could not get pregnant and we started treatment. This meant that we had to know when the right time of the month appeared.

I was always really relieved that at other times I could say no because "It's the wrong time of the month."

After 8 years, my beautiful daughter was born and for a long time there was no sex because I was too tired.

She was a high need baby who did not sleep very much and my husband moved to another room. Separate beds lasted for the rest of our married life, thank goodness.

Later, because I thought it was my duty, I would oblige once every 1 or 2 months or more.

I finally left my husband when my daughter was 14 and was really happy to not have a man and not have sex for the next 10 years.

More than 2 years ago I met a man and fell in love. At the beginning I told him that I did not like sex, but we were so in love that I broke my rule.

I thought that maybe it hadn't been any good before because I didn't love my partner enough.

My new man was very thoughtful and considerate, but after a while I told him that I was very sorry but, although it felt good, I didn't like doing it.

He was pretty devastated, but stayed around for another year or so and we have only recently broken up.

If I should be lucky enough to meet a man that I want to spend time with again, I will be very very clear at the beginning that sex is never an option.

I will not fit inside the mould again.

By the way, I am also an artist and I volunteer as a teacher for a group of mental health consumers.

​Oh and my daughter has Aspergers.

I am also poor financially, on disability, and I was happier than I had been in my entire life, until I became involved with that man. I am grieving the loss of his companionship and the fun we had together, but I know I will be OK.

It was actually my daughter who explained asexuality to me and sent me the link to AVEN. She was already a member.

As soon as I read the information I willing donned the label. I can't think of a description that fits me better.

[ambivalent4422]

marriage doesn't happen anymore; instead it seems that you have to perform the porn star routine as part of your obligation to keep a relationship. there's still a mould, it's just different.

i can never figure out if i'm hanging out here because i hate the pressure to put out for near-strangers or i'm simply frigid.

[Bright Pink]

marriage doesn't happen anymore; instead it seems that you have to perform the porn star routine as part of your obligation to keep a relationship. there's still a mould, it's just different.

i can never figure out if i'm hanging out here because i hate the pressure to put out for near-strangers or i'm simply frigid.

I did the porn star routine, before I got married. Like you I thought it was part of my obligation to keep a relationship and it didn't. Often because I would drop them for putting said pressure on me, because I always felt bad about giving in.

Chose my husband because he hung around even when I said no.

When I first read about asexuality, I used to think I was a grey asexual, because I did have sex before and during my marriage and during a recent relationship. Recent relationship was the most loving I have ever been in, but I still ended up opting out of sexual part and eventually lost him.

Now I know I am asexual and I won't ever give in to pressure again.

So whichever reason you are hanging out here is just fine. Changing your mind is just fine, at any time. Being true to your own feelings is a wonderful strength to have.

[ambivalent4422]

I did the porn star routine, before I got married. Like you I thought it was part of my obligation to keep a relationship and it didn't. Often because I would drop them for putting said pressure on me, because I always felt bad about giving in.

Chose my husband because he hung around even when I said no.

When I first read about asexuality, I used to think I was a grey asexual, because I did have sex before and during my marriage and during a recent relationship. Recent relationship was the most loving I have ever been in, but I still ended up opting out of sexual part and eventually lost him.

Now I know I am asexual and I won't ever give in to pressure again.

So whichever reason you are hanging out here is just fine. Changing your mind is just fine, at any time. Being true to your own feelings is a wonderful strength to have.

thanks for sharing your experiences... i found them v informative.

do you think it could ever be a matter of simply bothering to figure out what pleases you sexually? i wonder if there's a significant overlap between asexuality and female sexual repression. seems that a lot of women put out for validation. most pornography isn't very helpful either.

don't mean to diminish your experience, i'm sure you know your life much better than i ever could.

[Sally]

i wonder if there's a significant overlap between asexuality and female sexual repression.

I don't think so, if you mean that women feel they should repress their sexual feelings. Asexuality is not wanting to have sex with another person -- at all. "Repression" is a doubtful concept, more in tune with the Freudian stuff of 75 years ago than with actual physical feelings. Over the last 40 years, there's been no real reason for women to feel the need to not admit to their sexual feelings. In fact, it would be more likely that women would not admit they DIDN'T have sexual feelings.

[Bright Pink]

I did the porn star routine, before I got married. Like you I thought it was part of my obligation to keep a relationship and it didn't. Often because I would drop them for putting said pressure on me, because I always felt bad about giving in.

Chose my husband because he hung around even when I said no.

When I first read about asexuality, I used to think I was a grey asexual, because I did have sex before and during my marriage and during a recent relationship. Recent relationship was the most loving I have ever been in, but I still ended up opting out of sexual part and eventually lost him.

Now I know I am asexual and I won't ever give in to pressure again.

So whichever reason you are hanging out here is just fine. Changing your mind is just fine, at any time. Being true to your own feelings is a wonderful strength to have.

thanks for sharing your experiences... i found them v informative.

do you think it could ever be a matter of simply bothering to figure out what pleases you sexually? i wonder if there's a significant overlap between asexuality and female sexual repression. seems that a lot of women put out for validation. most pornography isn't very helpful either.

don't mean to diminish your experience, i'm sure you know your life much better than i ever could.

Actually what pleases you sexually can be at odds with being asexual. I had a loving partner who could please me very much, but it still felt all wrong for me. I do have a libido, but I don't like having sex. But that's just my experience. People are all so different that anything is possible.

[ambivalent4422]

I don't think so, if you mean that women feel they should repress their sexual feelings. Asexuality is not wanting to have sex with another person -- at all. "Repression" is a doubtful concept, more in tune with the Freudian stuff of 75 years ago than with actual physical feelings. Over the last 40 years, there's been no real reason for women to feel the need to not admit to their sexual feelings. In fact, it would be more likely that women would not admit they DIDN'T have sexual feelings.

not sure about your own background; i am only in my mid-twenties but grew up in a very traditional, religious background, almost a cult. there was a lot of shame about having sexual urges and i can't really tease out if i was never interested or i skirted the whole thing rightfully judging it a waste of time. i remember at age 15 being lectured by some nasty geriatric teacher about my skirt being more than two inches above my kneecap. even if i had had the opportunity sexual i was too depressed by my environment. a guy asked me out that year and i hung out with him because i thought it was what you were supposed to do but i didn't feel attracted to him and didn't even like him. everyone seemed to assume we were a couple.

Actually what pleases you sexually can be at odds with being asexual. I had a loving partner who could please me very much, but it still felt all wrong for me. I do have a libido, but I don't like having sex. But that's just my experience. People are all so different that anything is possible.

what is the difference between having a libido and disliking sex? i thought libido was the sex drive?

[Sally]

what is the difference between having a libido and disliking sex? i thought libido was the sex drive?

Libido is sex drive -- but it can be satisfied by masturbation. Disliking sex means you don't want to have sex with another person. That's the definition of asexuality.

[Bright Pink]

what is the difference between having a libido and disliking sex? i thought libido was the sex drive?

Libido is sex drive -- but it can be satisfied by masturbation. Disliking sex means you don't want to have sex with another person. That's the definition of asexuality.

I understand it the same as Sally has written, but we are all different. Another person may be asexual because they have no libido, or I suppose it might be possible to feel a physical attraction to someone, but not want to act on it in any way. I have never felt sexually attracted to another person.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

I always think that when I really like someone, sex rearing its head spoils what's already there. When I was a teenager and people used to have crushes on popstars, they used to fantasise about sex with them, but I always thought....EEEW! Why would you want to do that if you like them?

[Bright Pink]

I always think that when I really like someone, sex rearing its head spoils what's already there. When I was a teenager and people used to have crushes on popstars, they used to fantasise about sex with them, but I always thought....EEEW! Why would you want to do that if you like them?

For me it went one step further. I wasn't interested in their bodies and I knew their characters were just a script or media hype, so the last thing I wanted to do was to meet someone famous.

[imnotafreakofnature!]

My story's very similar. I grew up in that era when it was just expected that women would get married and have kids. To complicate matters, I grew up in a whacked out family with an abusive alcoholic step-daddy dearest and a textbook case co-dependent mother who was the perfect martyr, and also dominating and maniuplative. When she became a christian when I was eleven or twelve, church was just one more tool in her arsenal of manipulation. So I had a double-whammy of the "don't-think-outside-the-box" crap from both church and society. More to get away from home than anything, I got married at 19 and started my family. I was never interested in sex, but it was just what you did.

 

The marriage fell apart after a dozen years (for many more reasons than my lack of sexual interest). I was single-again for 14 years, and absolutely LOVED not having the insatiable sexual demands of a man hanging over my head every minute of my life. But even though sex disgusted me, I was a major cuddlebug, and really missed having someone to cuddle with, someone to share the ups and downs of life with. So after 14 years, I finally got married again eight years ago. I honestly believed that my disinterest in sex was because of the way my ex treated me, and was convinced that it'd be different this time because my husband now treats me like gold. However, sex got really old again really fast, and within two years, I was back to not ever wanting sex again as long as I live. Because that time frame happened to coincide with the onset of menopause, my husband's convinced that it's just menopause and that it can be fixed. I decided to do a search on women who aren't interested in sex to see if there was anything I could do about it because, like everyone else, I thought the problem was me. That was when I discovered asexuality. I gave him this website, but in spite of all the fabulous information on this site, the only thing he took away from it was the one sentence that some people think they're asexual when they really have a medical problem and should be checked for it. Because we had a decent sex life the first couple of years, he doesn't want to believe that I'm asexual - he wants to believe that it's something that can be fixed or changed. He's agreed to less sex, but it's still far more than I want. I love him dearly, but I don't know how much longer I can tolerate it. Sex is the only thing we ever fight about - we don't even fight about money. I'd hate to see it come to divorce, and I know he'd never understand it, but I just don't know how much more I can take.

 

Regardless of what happens with us, if I were ever to find myself in a position of being on my own again, I'll DEFINITELY NEVER get involved in another sexual relationship!!!!

[GTG]

Yep. 54 now, and though I know I had heard the term, and understood the concept, asexuallity was not a 'real' thing.

In my teens/ twenties, women who were uninterested in sex were "frigid", and men were "gay in denial".

All my friends were girls, I certainly had no sexual feelings toward guys, so I had girlfriends. A great deal of frustration on both sides. I eventually married the first girl to really push the issue, and finally had sex. Then I started wondering if I really was gay, because I just didn't see what all the fuss had been about. So I played with camp for a while, felt a little more like me, but there was still no sexual component. 10 years and 2 sons later, my wife met someone else and they have a great marriage now. Rince and repeat. I finally clued in, and have gone without sex for 11+ years now. Unfortunately, I have also gone without any sort of relationship whatsoever, being more than a little gunshy. But I'm now trying to connect with someone, anyone, in a completely honest and true-to-myself way. Early days, but simply self identifying outside my own head, in the public anonymity of the internet, feels so good.