Advice for dealing with sexual anxiety in new relationship?

[jeanieinabottle]

Hi everyone,

I recently started dating a good friend of mine. We met in high school and stayed friends through university until we both realized a few months ago that we have feelings for each other. I have identified as falling somewhere on the asexuality spectrum for a few years, and interestingly enough so did he.

Before we began dating, I had very limited interest in sex. But I've discovered that having feelings for him does make me want to express those feelings physically at times. I have always been a little tense when it comes to physical contact/expressions of intimacy, and had never even kissed someone before we started dating.

I feel very comfortable with him, and we have spoken about how we are both in no rush to do anything physical, but we would like for it to happen at some point in our relationship. I started at a new school this month and we will only be able to see each other once or twice a year until I graduate. We began dating about 4 months ago, and for 3 of those months we were in the same city and saw each other regularly. Things did not go far beyond kissing and cuddling. A few times he mentioned he wanted more, but I would tell him I wasn't feeling up to it at that time when in reality I wanted to, but was too overwhelmed with anxiety over my inexperience.

So here's my problem: now that I'm physically apart from him, I'm noticing that I'm experiencing the desire to be physically intimate more often and more intensely. However, I know the minute I see him again those old feelings of anxiety will come rushing back and I will be too nervous to do the things I know I want to do. Normally, I would just let things progress slowly, but because I don't get to see him much I'm worried that I will regret not having the courage to do more the minute I leave him.

Have any of you ever experienced anything similar? How did you overcome your anxiety to become intimate with someone you care deeply about, when in the past that was an experience you may have completely written off?

[flungoutofspace]

I've been in the same position a bunch. This might not be helpful, but the one thing I'll say is that you shouldn't force yourself to do anything you're not comfortable with. Any time I forced myself into something because I thought I'd regret it otherwise, I ended up feeling worse in the end.

You could try talking to your partner about your anxiety in the moment too. His reassurance about it might make you more comfortable. But if you weren't going to rush it before, don't feel the need to rush it now.