What does romantic attraction mean to you?

[gatsbythegerbil]

I have recently come to the conclusion that I may be aromantic. All I've felt that I can even slightly connect to the idea of romantic attraction is limerence, and if the relationship dynamic changes with the person I'm infatuated with, it goes away extremely quickly. None of my relationships have lasted longer than six weeks because the feelings just up and vanished. I've described this as "I fall a little bit in love with all my friends" because with nearly everyone I'm close to, that limerence was there for a short period of time. I'm trying to think of anyone that evaded that, and with the exception of my brothers, I can't find any.

I've looked at other threads trying to describe the difference between platonic and romantic relationships and I've never found something that truly differentiates them (except when sexual people say it's just sex that differentiates the two). People talk about physical closeness - cuddling, kissing, etc - as the line, but my best friend and I cuddle and hold hands plenty and we're squarely in the platonic zone, which the two of us have discussed previously. There was that brief bit of infatuation, but it faded extremely quickly. So it's not physical cuddly closeness that draws the line. According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the thing I'm missing is... passion? But what even is that? At least, in the context of myself as an asexual person, who doesn't feel sexual attraction - what is the passion that leads to romantic relationships?

What is romantic attraction to you? I'd like to hear back from people just to see what you all think. It's a weird and nebulous topic.

[Guest]

I like to go with Lee's model of six styles/"colors" of love (although I don't think I'd have ordered them exactly how he did in the circle, but elaborating on that is probably beyond the scope of this thread ;) ).

In my experience, romance corresponds with Mania more than with anything else. The love style I prefer is a mix of Storge and Agape, with a sprinkling of Ludus on top. :)

[SithLord]

For me, romantic attraction is mostly me seeing myself doing romantic things with that person. It's not something I consciously acknowledge right off the bat. My first boyfriend, for example, I had a squish on and we started dating, but I only knew it to be a squish when I was 100% uninterested in doing anything romantic. No cuddling, no hand holding, and especially not kissing. I just didn't want any of it. With my current bf, I didn't mind any of that as much and actually began to enjoy the stuff that I previously hated (cuddling, kissing, etc.). For me it's gradual and subtle, not something that I feel right off the bat.

[JAKQ7111]

To me, it's less of an inherent difference in the feelings themselves, but more of a difference in the rate at which strong feelings develop. If I have a crush on someone, I have a very intense, accelerated desire to get to know them on every level, and be emotionally and physically intimate with them. With people I am not romantically attracted to, there isn't that initial accelerated drive to be as intimate as possible with them, but I will always enjoy their company, and appreciate the intimacy we do share.

[mikeman7918]

I've wondered the same thing. When I first discovered that I am asexual I assumed that I am heteroromantic too, soon after that I realized that I have no desire to ever kiss or hug people so I started calling myself aromantic, and recently I noticed that I feel limerence towards some people so I started questioning it again. After reading this I'm leaning towards aromantic again.

[furaneol]

It's weird... it's almost indescribable because I feel like slight features of it differ from person to person... but here's what it means to me:

For me, there's a magnetic force that continually forces me to be drawn towards that individual, never wanting to part with them. I feel excited just to see them day after day, and just being in the same room with them makes me instantly calmer. You want to do everything and anything with them, which is something I don't necessarily feel the need to do with my friends alone. The simple actions they do, whether it's giving me a smile/grin or telling a really corny joke, are enough to make my day. Even repeating actions over and over (e.g. getting lunch, telling the same stories from time to time) makes you happy because you know that he's still willing to be with you and share those moments with you. You feel protected/safe when this person cares for your well-being, even if he gets mad at you for doing something stupid that could have gotten myself injured. You get a slight chill down your back when you accidentally touch each other, but you realize that you want more of that physical contact - even as someone who's moderately touch averse like me, I wouldn't mind hugging/touching the person I'm romantically attracted to.

However, being romantically attached does have its drawbacks, especially if you're not in a relationship with them. I'm currently dealing with that situation, and it hurts when you see them with another female for extended periods of time. You become jealous when he does things with that said female that he doesn't do with you, and you begin to question why. You want to avoid seeing them together at all costs because you can't handle him being with someone else when you can't officially call him yours. Most of all, you wonder if that female is someone he's actually dating, but you don't have the guts to ask.

Sadly enough, the positive and negative feelings are all what I'm currently experiencing with this one individual right now. He's the first person I've ever been romantically drawn to, and everything involving him is somewhat complicated right now. It's an emotional hell/limbo that I want to escape from...

[mikeman7918]

@furaneol

Well, I'm quite confident that I don't feel any of that. When I was dating the one girl I have ever dated I didn't really care if we were in the same room and I felt no jealousy when she started dating someone else. I have decided to continue identifying as aromantic.

[Telecaster68]

It's weird... it's almost indescribable because I feel like slight features of it differ from person to person... but here's what it means to me:

For me, there's a magnetic force that continually forces me to be drawn towards that individual, never wanting to part with them. I feel excited just to see them day after day, and just being in the same room with them makes me instantly calmer. You want to do everything and anything with them, which is something I don't necessarily feel the need to do with my friends alone. The simple actions they do, whether it's giving me a smile/grin or telling a really corny joke, are enough to make my day. Even repeating actions over and over (e.g. getting lunch, telling the same stories from time to time) makes you happy because you know that he's still willing to be with you and share those moments with you. You feel protected/safe when this person cares for your well-being, even if he gets mad at you for doing something stupid that could have gotten myself injured. You get a slight chill down your back when you accidentally touch each other, but you realize that you want more of that physical contact - even as someone who's moderately touch averse like me, I wouldn't mind hugging/touching the person I'm romantically attracted to.

However, being romantically attached does have its drawbacks, especially if you're not in a relationship with them. I'm currently dealing with that situation, and it hurts when you see them with another female for extended periods of time. You become jealous when he does things with that said female that he doesn't do with you, and you begin to question why. You want to avoid them at all costs because seeing them together because you can't handle him being with someone else when you can't officially call him yours. Most of all, you wonder if that female is someone he's actually dating, but you don't have the guts to ask.

Sadly enough, the positive and negative feelings are all what I'm currently experiencing with this one individual right now. He's the first person I've ever been romantically drawn to, and everything involving him is somewhat complicated right now. It's an emotional hell/limbo that I want to escape from...

I don't normally do 'me too' posts... but this, exactly this.

[gatsbythegerbil]

I like to go with Lee's model of six styles/"colors" of love (although I don't think I'd have ordered them exactly how he did in the circle, but elaborating on that is probably beyond the scope of this thread ;) ).

In my experience, romance corresponds with Mania more than with anything else. The love style I prefer is a mix of Storge and Agape, with a sprinkling of Ludus on top. :)

I'm finding all these cool models of love theory because of coming back to AVEN! Agape with a touch of Storge and Ludus describes my relationship with my best friend really well. I agree that infatuation falls under Mania, as well. This is quite detailed. (Incidentally, in trying to type Ludus it kept correcting it to Lupus. Annoying.)

To me, it's less of an inherent difference in the feelings themselves, but more of a difference in the rate at which strong feelings develop. If I have a crush on someone, I have a very intense, accelerated desire to get to know them on every level, and be emotionally and physically intimate with them. With people I am not romantically attracted to, there isn't that initial accelerated drive to be as intimate as possible with them, but I will always enjoy their company, and appreciate the intimacy we do share.

I've experienced that, but when it consistently fades in a matter of weeks, it makes me question whether there was actual attraction there at all. Or I might just be lithro. Still, that describes my experience with limerence really well.

It's weird... it's almost indescribable because I feel like slight features of it differ from person to person... but here's what it means to me:

For me, there's a magnetic force that continually forces me to be drawn towards that individual, never wanting to part with them. I feel excited just to see them day after day, and just being in the same room with them makes me instantly calmer. You want to do everything and anything with them, which is something I don't necessarily feel the need to do with my friends alone. The simple actions they do, whether it's giving me a smile/grin or telling a really corny joke, are enough to make my day. Even repeating actions over and over (e.g. getting lunch, telling the same stories from time to time) makes you happy because you know that he's still willing to be with you and share those moments with you. You feel protected/safe when this person cares for your well-being, even if he gets mad at you for doing something stupid that could have gotten myself injured. You get a slight chill down your back when you accidentally touch each other, but you realize that you want more of that physical contact - even as someone who's moderately touch averse like me, I wouldn't mind hugging/touching the person I'm romantically attracted to.

However, being romantically attached does have its drawbacks, especially if you're not in a relationship with them. I'm currently dealing with that situation, and it hurts when you see them with another female for extended periods of time. You become jealous when he does things with that said female that he doesn't do with you, and you begin to question why. You want to avoid them at all costs because seeing them together because you can't handle him being with someone else when you can't officially call him yours. Most of all, you wonder if that female is someone he's actually dating, but you don't have the guts to ask.

Sadly enough, the positive and negative feelings are all what I'm currently experiencing with this one individual right now. He's the first person I've ever been romantically drawn to, and everything involving him is somewhat complicated right now. It's an emotional hell/limbo that I want to escape from...

This is why I wanted to see people's replies! It's interesting to me that this is what you define as romantic attraction, because minus the jealousy of them spending time with other people, this is how I feel about my best friend. I'm sorry you're in that situation, though. Sounds upsetting.

[furaneol]

@furaneol

Well, I'm quite confident that I don't feel any of that. When I was dating the one girl I have ever dated I didn't really care if we were in the same room and I felt no jealousy when she started dating someone else. I have decided to continue identifying as aromantic.

I'm pretty jealous right now that you don't feel any of that (mostly because of this limbo...). I initially thought I was aromantic because I would never develop anything further besides being friends with individuals (even with my closest friends), which I was fine with. It was only recently that I developed a romantic side because of this one person. I couldn't fake these feelings even if I tried with anyone else.

It's weird... it's almost indescribable because I feel like slight features of it differ from person to person... but here's what it means to me:

For me, there's a magnetic force that continually forces me to be drawn towards that individual, never wanting to part with them. I feel excited just to see them day after day, and just being in the same room with them makes me instantly calmer. You want to do everything and anything with them, which is something I don't necessarily feel the need to do with my friends alone. The simple actions they do, whether it's giving me a smile/grin or telling a really corny joke, are enough to make my day. Even repeating actions over and over (e.g. getting lunch, telling the same stories from time to time) makes you happy because you know that he's still willing to be with you and share those moments with you. You feel protected/safe when this person cares for your well-being, even if he gets mad at you for doing something stupid that could have gotten myself injured. You get a slight chill down your back when you accidentally touch each other, but you realize that you want more of that physical contact - even as someone who's moderately touch averse like me, I wouldn't mind hugging/touching the person I'm romantically attracted to.

However, being romantically attached does have its drawbacks, especially if you're not in a relationship with them. I'm currently dealing with that situation, and it hurts when you see them with another female for extended periods of time. You become jealous when he does things with that said female that he doesn't do with you, and you begin to question why. You want to avoid them at all costs because seeing them together because you can't handle him being with someone else when you can't officially call him yours. Most of all, you wonder if that female is someone he's actually dating, but you don't have the guts to ask.

Sadly enough, the positive and negative feelings are all what I'm currently experiencing with this one individual right now. He's the first person I've ever been romantically drawn to, and everything involving him is somewhat complicated right now. It's an emotional hell/limbo that I want to escape from...

This is why I wanted to see people's replies! It's interesting to me that this is what you define as romantic attraction, because minus the jealousy of them spending time with other people, this is how I feel about my best friend. I'm sorry you're in that situation, though. Sounds upsetting.

Interesting... I definitely don't feel this way with my best friend. Sure, I enjoy her company and the conversations we have, but the difference between my best friend and my romantic crush is the passion I feel for each of them. I almost want to go 0 to 60 instantly with him, but I can take it calm and easy with my best friend. It's definitely a weird feeling...............

And it's alright haha. I try not to consume myself too much into it, but sometimes, you can't help but wonder. (I just kinda needed to rant last night, so I'm happy that you made this thread ^_^)

[Andiamo]

It's weird... it's almost indescribable because I feel like slight features of it differ from person to person... but here's what it means to me:

For me, there's a magnetic force that continually forces me to be drawn towards that individual, never wanting to part with them. I feel excited just to see them day after day, and just being in the same room with them makes me instantly calmer. You want to do everything and anything with them, which is something I don't necessarily feel the need to do with my friends alone. The simple actions they do, whether it's giving me a smile/grin or telling a really corny joke, are enough to make my day. Even repeating actions over and over (e.g. getting lunch, telling the same stories from time to time) makes you happy because you know that he's still willing to be with you and share those moments with you. You feel protected/safe when this person cares for your well-being, even if he gets mad at you for doing something stupid that could have gotten myself injured. You get a slight chill down your back when you accidentally touch each other, but you realize that you want more of that physical contact - even as someone who's moderately touch averse like me, I wouldn't mind hugging/touching the person I'm romantically attracted to.

However, being romantically attached does have its drawbacks, especially if you're not in a relationship with them. I'm currently dealing with that situation, and it hurts when you see them with another female for extended periods of time. You become jealous when he does things with that said female that he doesn't do with you, and you begin to question why. You want to avoid seeing them together at all costs because you can't handle him being with someone else when you can't officially call him yours. Most of all, you wonder if that female is someone he's actually dating, but you don't have the guts to ask.

Sadly enough, the positive and negative feelings are all what I'm currently experiencing with this one individual right now. He's the first person I've ever been romantically drawn to, and everything involving him is somewhat complicated right now. It's an emotional hell/limbo that I want to escape from...

I completely agree with most of this, except that my experience of romantic attraction does not include jealousy. However, other than that it is spot on.

Instead of feeling jealousy, I have always seen myself as inadequate for what most people need in a romantic partner, mostly because I am unwilling to do anything remotely sexual, and so I don't see myself as a good match for them. My main desire is for them to be happy, not with me. If it would make them happy to be my partner, that would be even better, but I generally assume that it would not. For that reason, I am honestly happy for them when they find someone who makes them happy, even if it isn't me.

[Darcynerd]

I'm biromantic and I think of romantic attraction as having a crush on someone and thinking they are really cute and maybe wanting to hold their hand

[Éadweard]

I guess I'm one of the few asexuals, if not the only, who doesn't feel romantic attraction is separate from sexual attraction. I see sex and romance as the same thing.

[SMW22792]

It took me until recently that I do in fact feel romantic attraction, and that I've unfortunately been feeling it for someone who can't share the same level of intimacy as myself. I've fallen for my same sex best friend who is hetrosexual. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me, but I've gotten over a lot of misplaced feelings in the past.

[SMW22792]

It took me until recently that I do in fact feel romantic attraction, and that I've unfortunately been feeling it for someone who can't share the same level of intimacy as myself. I've fallen for my same sex best friend who is hetrosexual. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me, but I've gotten over a of lot misplaced feelings in the past.

[Homer]

There's no space in my life for romantic attraction. Simple as that.

[Icelime]

There's no space in my life for romantic attraction. Simple as that.

same.

I WILL NOT WASTE MY TIME!

[Starlit Sky]

[...] None of my relationships have lasted longer than six weeks because the feelings just up and vanished. I've described this as "I fall a little bit in love with all my friends" because with nearly everyone I'm close to, that limerence was there for a short period of time. I'm trying to think of anyone that evaded that, and with the exception of my brothers, I can't find any. [...] There was that brief bit of infatuation, but it faded extremely quickly.

As per usual, no one can tell you what you are or aren't--but you very much sound frayromantic to me.

The current definition is as follows: "a fraysexual/romantic is someone who is only sexually/romantically attracted to someone that they are less familiar with, and lose interest when they get to know the person." Does that sound familiar? The problem is that that definition isn't 100% correct, as not a single fraysexual or frayromantic I have yet to talk to has ever said that they lose their attraction because they got to know someone. It has always, always, always been because of something else. Not only that, but the attraction can be maintained, and even come back, depending on the situation and / or the person.

But I'll be really honest with you: it's 1:01 in the morning (yay, mirror hour!), I'm tired, and I really don't have the frame of mind to try to explain to you what exactly that means. So instead, I'm just going to quote something I said a few months ago and hope that this helps, and regardless of whether or not you think that frayromantic fits you, if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

* * *

"Growing up, I've had a fair amount of crushes on various people, but they were never real crushes (I usually call them quarter-crushes :P ), and certainly never enough for me to act on. For me, most of them were gone within a few days to a few weeks, though there was one time where a crush lasted half a year. For me, it was that I kept seeing peoples' 'faults,' and couldn't look past them. It made me feel crappy and shallow, because I was always aware that everyone has faults, and that I am not perfect, and so on and so forth. When I discovered the definition for fraysexuality I felt that it fit me perfectly, because the attraction was always killed off the more I got to know the person.

"That kept happening until I met the person where it was basically the opposite of the norm. I didn't really have the quarter-crush on him that I usually do on people when first meeting them. It was difficult for me to think of what we actually had in common (and therefore what we could talk about), and I didn't really see a point in talking to him. He kept persisting, though, until certain aspects of his personality were revealed that I liked . . . a lot. I ended up developing a crush--a real crush--that eventually turned into love. The 'faults' that other people had, that ruined the attraction for me in the past, were not with him. The more we kept talking, the more I did see his 'faults' . . . and I realized that I didn't care about them, that I still loved him.

"You see, fraysexuality (and frayromanticism) have an absolutely horrible and inaccurate definition at the moment. The definition basically states that a fraysexual is someone who feels attraction towards another person in the beginning of knowing them, but as the bond increases, the attraction dies, and it is sometimes known as the 'opposite of demisexuality.' That's incorrect. I've been talking to fellow fraysexuals/frayromantics for the past few months and I haven't met one person yet who actually loses attraction because of the bond. I have realized that the attraction dissipates for various reasons. For me--and for others--it's about 'faults,' or 'imperfections'; for other people, it's because they just get tired of the same old, same old (before anyone points out that a lot of people are like that, I realize that's true. :) However, this takes it to a 'new extreme,' basically); for other people, the attraction dies and comes back, and the only contributing factor seems to be time. Furthermore--and possibly the most important thing that needs to be corrected abut fraysexuality's definition--is that the attraction does not necessarily die, and can be maintained. In my case, I simply have to have a few specific traits that aren't actually all that rare, along with basic romantic attraction."

* * *

I got that above from (this right here), if you want to read it all more in context (be aware though that some things have changed; for example, I no longer am totally comfortable identifying as frayromantic for reasons other than the fact that it's so misunderstood).

EDIT: I forgot to actually answer your question haha To me, I don't have an explanation for what romantic attraction is like. It just is. I can't say that it's about hand-holding or being close to someone or wanting to kiss someone or wanting to marry someone or wanting to ride down a river on a giant crayon with someone (because that person, and that person specifically is the only one I'd want to do it with), because although ALL of that is true for me, it's not necessarily true for anyone else. Friends kiss. They hug. They marry (think aromantics who marry even knowing that they're aromantic). They want to ride down a river on a giant . . . you get the picture.

[Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet]

There's no space in my life for romantic attraction. Simple as that.

same.

I WILL NOT WASTE MY TIME!

I'm gray lithromantic...

I feel the same way, lol.

[Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet]

I have recently come to the conclusion that I may be aromantic. All I've felt that I can even slightly connect to the idea of romantic attraction is limerence, and if the relationship dynamic changes with the person I'm infatuated with, it goes away extremely quickly. None of my relationships have lasted longer than six weeks because the feelings just up and vanished. I've described this as "I fall a little bit in love with all my friends" because with nearly everyone I'm close to, that limerence was there for a short period of time. I'm trying to think of anyone that evaded that, and with the exception of my brothers, I can't find any.

I've looked at other threads trying to describe the difference between platonic and romantic relationships and I've never found something that truly differentiates them (except when sexual people say it's just sex that differentiates the two). People talk about physical closeness - cuddling, kissing, etc - as the line, but my best friend and I cuddle and hold hands plenty and we're squarely in the platonic zone, which the two of us have discussed previously. There was that brief bit of infatuation, but it faded extremely quickly. So it's not physical cuddly closeness that draws the line. According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the thing I'm missing is... passion? But what even is that? At least, in the context of myself as an asexual person, who doesn't feel sexual attraction - what is the passion that leads to romantic relationships?

What is romantic attraction to you? I'd like to hear back from people just to see what you all think. It's a weird and nebulous topic.

I have recently come to the conclusion that I may be aromantic. All I've felt that I can even slightly connect to the idea of romantic attraction is limerence, and if the relationship dynamic changes with the person I'm infatuated with, it goes away extremely quickly. None of my relationships have lasted longer than six weeks because the feelings just up and vanished. I've described this as "I fall a little bit in love with all my friends" because with nearly everyone I'm close to, that limerence was there for a short period of time. I'm trying to think of anyone that evaded that, and with the exception of my brothers, I can't find any.

I've looked at other threads trying to describe the difference between platonic and romantic relationships and I've never found something that truly differentiates them (except when sexual people say it's just sex that differentiates the two). People talk about physical closeness - cuddling, kissing, etc - as the line, but my best friend and I cuddle and hold hands plenty and we're squarely in the platonic zone, which the two of us have discussed previously. There was that brief bit of infatuation, but it faded extremely quickly. So it's not physical cuddly closeness that draws the line. According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the thing I'm missing is... passion? But what even is that? At least, in the context of myself as an asexual person, who doesn't feel sexual attraction - what is the passion that leads to romantic relationships?

What is romantic attraction to you? I'd like to hear back from people just to see what you all think. It's a weird and nebulous topic.

Being gray-lithro, romantic feelings are rare for me, but when it does occur,romantic attraction for me is having a crush on someone but at the same time, I have feelings of indifference if that person I have a crush on reciprocates romantic feelings towards me. If that person reciprocates romantic feelings toward me, great. If not, that's fine,too.

[gatsbythegerbil]

I got that above from (this right here), if you want to read it all more in context (be aware though that some things have changed; for example, I no longer am totally comfortable identifying as frayromantic for reasons other than the fact that it's so misunderstood).

Actually, the description of the first poster in that thread sounds a lot more familiar than most of what you said... although it all connects, at least a little, with my experience.

The definition basically states that a fraysexual is someone who feels attraction towards another person in the beginning of knowing them, but as the bond increases, the attraction dies, and it is sometimes known as the 'opposite of demisexuality.' That's incorrect. I've been talking to fellow fraysexuals/frayromantics for the past few months and I haven't met one person yet who actually loses attraction because of the bond. I have realized that the attraction dissipates for various reasons.

This sounds familiar, but I don't know. For me it definitely isn't because of faults. I've tried to find a common root cause for the break and I can't think of anything the relationships all had in common.

• I don't remember what happened with my first crush; it was second grade, so if that one died off quickly (I'm not sure) it could probably be accounted for by a short attention span :P
• My first relationship was with one of my best friends, both now and previously, and we mutually realized we didn't feel romantically toward each other after about two weeks.
• I had a huge crush after that for about eight months; that's the only one that hasn't faded quickly, and he never reciprocated. He's why I've considered lithromantic as a label; the first one to fail to reciprocate, and the only crush that took effort to kill.
• In my second relationship I suppose it was faults; he kept implying that he wanted things to get more physical between us, and I got progressively more put-off and eventually more and more uncomfortable, until I broke it off.
• My first year in college I developed a crush on a close friend, but soon after she mentioned in a casual setting that she wasn't looking for a relationship, poof! And then when she was in relationships with other people later on, I didn't care much at all. I've had a couple more like this, too.
• I did have a stint on OKCupid, but I never connected with anybody there. I knew a couple of the people I talked to or met up with had at least some kind of feelings for me, but I could never pin down what they were, or reciprocate in any way.

Furthermore--and possibly the most important thing that needs to be corrected abut fraysexuality's definition--is that the attraction does not necessarily die, and can be maintained.

Sounds a lot like my self-talk that says "These relationships only died because you didn't put any effort in". I know that's not where you were going, but... Does anyone experience that, as well? That attraction dissipates quickly if some kind of effort isn't put forward? I feel like I just got lucky with my best friend (we've tossed around the QPP label) and I'll never be that close to anyone else.

As the (probably) relationship goes on my feelings just fade, and I get slightly annoyed with romantic advances, try to avoid the person, and my mind just screams at me that it isn't right. In the back of my mind I can still feel some love, but it's never strong enough to get me to see the point in keeping the relationship going, and I let it go as fast as the relationship is over.

This is exactly how it was with my romantic relationships. I'd slowly just get more uncomfortable with the situation and eventually want to leave.

I dunno, maybe fray. I might just make up my own label out of Latin or Greek roots, though.

[Starlit Sky]

I got that above from (this right here), if you want to read it all more in context (be aware though that some things have changed; for example, I no longer am totally comfortable identifying as frayromantic for reasons other than the fact that it's so misunderstood).

Actually, the description of the first poster in that thread sounds a lot more familiar than most of what you said... although it all connects, at least a little, with my experience.

Do you mean because what I talked about from my personal experience (i.e., faults)? Or something else? I probably should have just waited till today to respond if that's the case haha Anyway, out of over twenty people I was only able to find maybe one or two others that lost the attraction for the same reason I did, so "faults" is far from being some sort of default of fraysexuality. The only thing that seems to connect all fraysexuals and frayromantics together is that the attraction always comes at first and then disappears (though in a few other cases it can come back or strengthen).

The definition basically states that a fraysexual is someone who feels attraction towards another person in the beginning of knowing them, but as the bond increases, the attraction dies, and it is sometimes known as the 'opposite of demisexuality.' That's incorrect. I've been talking to fellow fraysexuals/frayromantics for the past few months and I haven't met one person yet who actually loses attraction because of the bond. I have realized that the attraction dissipates for various reasons.

This sounds familiar, but I don't know. For me it definitely isn't because of faults. I've tried to find a common root cause for the break and I can't think of anything the relationships all had in common.

• I don't remember what happened with my first crush; it was second grade, so if that one died off quickly (I'm not sure) it could probably be accounted for by a short attention span :P
• My first relationship was with one of my best friends, both now and previously, and we mutually realized we didn't feel romantically toward each other after about two weeks.
• I had a huge crush after that for about eight months; that's the only one that hasn't faded quickly, and he never reciprocated. He's why I've considered lithromantic as a label; the first one to fail to reciprocate, and the only crush that took effort to kill.
• In my second relationship I suppose it was faults; he kept implying that he wanted things to get more physical between us, and I got progressively more put-off and eventually more and more uncomfortable, until I broke it off.
• My first year in college I developed a crush on a close friend, but soon after she mentioned in a casual setting that she wasn't looking for a relationship, poof! And then when she was in relationships with other people later on, I didn't care much at all. I've had a couple more like this, too.
• I did have a stint on OKCupid, but I never connected with anybody there. I knew a couple of the people I talked to or met up with had at least some kind of feelings for me, but I could never pin down what they were, or reciprocate in any way.

You might be lithromantic, like you said! The fact that the only one that has stayed was the one that wasn't reciprocated is certainly a big clue.

Furthermore--and possibly the most important thing that needs to be corrected abut fraysexuality's definition--is that the attraction does not necessarily die, and can be maintained.

Sounds a lot like my self-talk that says "These relationships only died because you didn't put any effort in". I know that's not where you were going, but... Does anyone experience that, as well? That attraction dissipates quickly if some kind of effort isn't put forward? I feel like I just got lucky with my best friend (we've tossed around the QPP label) and I'll never be that close to anyone else.

I wouldn't have worded it like I did if I didn't know what I was talking about. ;) It could have been because I was in love and not "just" feeling the attraction, but once that happened I functioned like your usual heteromantic with their love life. If things had gone differently I'd still be in love today, but I can assure you that it's definitely not because of my potential frayromantic orientation.

Plus, I'm not the only one who has similar stories.

But for your question--yes, definitely. I've noticed that effort matters a lot, at least for me, but that's a whole 'nother thing that I need to explore before I understand fully. I do know that if the other person isn't trying then it doesn't matter and it'll just go away in a few days or at least a couple of weeks, but I'm not actually sure how much any effort I put forth does or doesn't affect it.

I dunno, maybe fray.I might just make up my own label out of Latin or Greek roots, though.

Whatever works best for you! ^_^

[Wiseja1987]

Well, for me personally, the feeling of platonic closeness and romantic attraction is very distinct. It's difficult to put into words, and the disthymia I have likely complicates things, but the best i can do is this:

Platonic friends are people I trust and am comfortable with, it has very little to do with feeling, and is more about compatibility and time spent together building that trust.

For romantic attraction (for me), I find their presence energizing instead of draining (I'm a huge introvert, so this is a big deal). I also tend to feel close to them, instead of just know I am like my friends. I wouldn't call it a pull, per se, it's more like I feel close to them even if they aren't around. So...maybe the best way to put it is that instead feeling drawn to them, I feel more like there's fewer barriers? (shrugs).

[gatsbythegerbil]

Well, for me personally, the feeling of platonic closeness and romantic attraction is very distinct. It's difficult to put into words, and the disthymia I have likely complicates things, but the best i can do is this:

Platonic friends are people I trust and am comfortable with, it has very little to do with feeling, and is more about compatibility and time spent together building that trust.

For romantic attraction (for me), I find their presence energizing instead of draining (I'm a huge introvert, so this is a big deal). I also tend to feel close to them, instead of just know I am like my friends. I wouldn't call it a pull, per se, it's more like I feel close to them even if they aren't around. So...maybe the best way to put it is that instead feeling drawn to them, I feel more like there's fewer barriers? (shrugs).

That's actually a very interesting difference. Thanks for sharing!

[SMW22792]

However, being romantically attached does have its drawbacks, especially if you're not in a relationship with them. I'm currently dealing with that situation, and it hurts when you see them with another female for extended periods of time. You become jealous when he does things with that said female that he doesn't do with you, and you begin to question why.

This situation is all too familiar. :(

[Vincisomething]

Trust, communication, the ability to be oneself. But then again, that can apply to a best friend. I guess the difference would be being physically and emotionally attracted to one another?

[GTG]

I've been pondering similar issues myself. I feel the panromantic label fits me, because the feelings I get when thinking about spending time with someone I find attractive, or feel some connection to are the same regardless of that persons gender.

I do crave physical contact, though I have no desire for anything non-platonic, eg kissing, intimate touching, etc.

This is a purely intellectual exercise at present though. It would be nice to actually meet someone and have the chance to explore these feelings honestly, but I'm not holding my breath.

[sindi]

For me the difference is very clear, and it's all about emotions. I feel a giddiness and an euphoric feeling just being around someone that I'm romantically attracted to... and before you say, that it's just the first infatuation that fades soon: for me it can last for ages. Of course it might not be very strong all the time, but I feel that it's still there, and that those feelings might come back strongly any time. If it fades for good, then I guess I'm not romantically attracted to that person anymore, but this far that feeling has never faded on its own, but only because I couldn't be with that person anyway and had to force myself to accept that.

[Ettina]

Personally, I think romantic attraction = limerence, and I don't feel limerence.        

[Diamond Ace of Hearts]

On ‎27‎/‎09‎/‎2016 at 6:43 PM, Wiseja1987 said:

For romantic attraction (for me), I find their presence energizing instead of draining (I'm a huge introvert, so this is a big deal). I also tend to feel close to them, instead of just know I am like my friends. I wouldn't call it a pull, per se, it's more like I feel close to them even if they aren't around. So...maybe the best way to put it is that instead feeling drawn to them, I feel more like there's fewer barriers? (shrugs).

That right there is it, imo.

 

I'm dealing with a romantic attraction-based crush at the moment and reading this post was like reading something I myself had written and subsequently forgotten (except it was more succinct than I could have managed).

 

Having said that, everyone's experience of the various forms of attraction is probably different, so I don't think psychological models and scientific theories have a place here. I'm generally into science and love me some psychology but I think some things are ineffable. Qualia can't really be communicated effectively either, in my limited experience. Unfortunately the best answer probably is "you know it when you feel it," unhelpful as that may be, but I think the same can be said - to an extent - of the identities on the ace and aro spectrums; there's a much more extensive role for science, study and research to play there but in the end only you know what fits you best. What fits you best may change over time as you learn more about yourself and about the research being done but in the end you are you and in all likelihood you rock, everything besides that is extras.