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resources for parents?


butterflydreams

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butterflydreams

Does anyone know of any resources to help parents of legally adult transgender children? Or what I might search for in google?

Every time I search all I get back is an abundance of articles about actual transgender children. Like, pre-pubescent. Obviously that's a whole different animal, hence the attention paid to it. But even information about teenagers is pretty irrelevant to me, because it focuses on issues that are very pertinent to that situation (i.e. being dependent).

Obviously this lack isn't a sign that everyone's parents are accepting and happy for them, and obviously it doesn't mean that adult children never give a crap about their parents' love, so what gives?

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I very occasionally (and I mean occasionally) see threads started on reddit, but even then they're usually regarding people in their early 20s at the absolute most.

My mother actually joined a local support group for people with trans family members, but most of it was done online or on the phone, with just the odd meeting in meatspace. She didn't stick with it for very long, however. She said it made her uncomfortable and some of the people were intolerable which is nothing new as far as my mother is concerned.

I don't know how they deal with it, if these resources aren't available. I mean, I know my mother wants to talk about it (and be free to misgender me out of my earshot) but of course, no one seems to really be qualified with this kind of stuff.

Are you thinking of creating some sort of web based... help/support?

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butterflydreams

Hmm...

I know I've heard of support groups for family members as well, but those that I've seen (around here anyway) tend to be for parents of children or teens, or like you said, early 20s at most.

My therapist has offered multiple times to get my parents in there with me for a session. HA!

I wouldn't be opposed to create something. Clearly there's a need for it. But isn't that just the blind leading the blind? I haven't been very successful in helping my own mom...how am I qualified to offer advice on it generally?

Like, I get it. Adult children are supposed to be independent of their parents, and I am, very much so. But hell, that doesn't mean I'm ok with them effectively disowning me.

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It wouldn't need to just be you as an author - you could advertise for articles written by other people and do a big collaborative thing.

I do think reddit is a good place to ask this question too... I'm sure you'll find a lot of people who not only have suggestions but also want to help. A fair chunk of the people on there are in their 20s, and although you may find that some of them are long into their transitions, they'll still be able to come up with stuff that they did or said to help parents and family members.

I dunno.

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butterflydreams

I certainly have the resources to host something, at least online.

Are you thinking r/asktransgender or is there some other sub that I don't know about?

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That'd be your best bet, yeah, but you could also cross post in the mtf and ftm specific ones.

I know this goes without saying because you're Hadley, thoughtful and all that jazz, but if you do do this, please make it general or have specific mtf and ftm bits... I did look at a website geared for parents of young children and teenagers, but it was really skewed towards mtf -_-

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butterflydreams

Hehe, it wouldn't have even crossed my mind to make it specific. What difference would it make? A trans adult child is a trans adult child.

It's kind of weird actually, I don't consider myself as MtF to someone else's FtM. Everything that really matters isn't all that different. Plus, I never like seeing trans guys left out. You guys are awesome (in my very humble personal opinion ^_^).

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I guess there are some things that are gender specific... And like we were saying in the other thread, people seem to react differently depending on whether it's their son or daughter that's transitioning. But some stuff will absolutely be universal. I didn't think for a second you'd exclude us trans guys :P

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butterflydreams

Yeah, I'd hope that parents wouldn't distinguish between the two. Actually the other day, I was thinking of a really weird, maybe common, definitely nasty dynamic that could emerge from parents of trans guys. Basically if parents see you as "their little girl" regardless of your age, that could be really hard to overcome. Somehow I feel like being "their little boy" just isn't the same. I dunno, the whole thing has nasty implications for both sons and daughters, cis and trans.

It's hard for me to speculate, because I'm not a parent (it would be awesome if any parents here could weigh in), but one thing I think needs to be said, especially in the case of adult trans children: Parents, children aren't your property. You may have made them, but you don't own them. Heck, even adult children need to understand that. I didn't for the longest time. I framed so much as "you are killing your mother's son." That ain't right.

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I think regardless of the kid's age, there's a lot of guilt that flies about.

I still feel guilty that I killed my mother's daughter - despite barely being one in the first place. I've always been her son, and she's slowly coming around to that idea.

There's also the guilt on the parents' part, in the case of those who transition later in life, of not picking up on the signs as a young child, or of recognising them and quashing them due to the lack of acceptance or whatever in that particular time period.

Both types are really unnecessary and I think letting go of that would be a good thing to address.

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butterflydreams

Mmm, that's true. I'd consider myself very lucky if my parents guilt was because they didn't pick up the signs. I can almost guarantee it's not.

I'm actually glad to hear I'm not alone in the "killing my parents _____". Unfortunately, I was pretty much the model son, in all the material ways anyway. But it was always for someone else. I was never happy--a complete shell. My friend actually said it best once, that, "omg, you're still you. You're not dying here. That's ridiculous."

All that said, I think I've worked very hard to rid myself of the guilt, mostly because I can see the bright, genuinely vibrant young woman who's here now. Though it would also be disingenuous to say that there isn't a type of death involved, but it's the death of an idea. Just an idea.

See? Look at all this stuff there is to unpack. I find it so hard to believe that nobody has sorted through all of this.

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I think all parents project aspects of their children as how they imagine them, not as they necessarily truly are/were. My mother is convinced I used to be a feminine child, just like my sister, but my memories (and indeed, photographs) tell a completely different story. I believe she filled in some gaps and even replaced a lot of stuff with how she believes I was. It's this person that I took away from her; the younger of her horse obsessed daughters. In her place is this awkward kid that got kicked by one of those horses and was terrified of them from that point onwards - another thing that she conveniently remembers differently.

I have always been her son, but because of my quite frankly useless body, I was simply a toyboy that needed to grow up.

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butterflydreams

See, it makes me pretty sad actually, I was my parents' son...at least starting at puberty. Because it was do or die. But for sure, I wasn't me anymore. I look back so fondly at myself especially in my very early life. I was a little girl. Absolutely. And yes, there was a lot of strife and weird situations that arose from me not being perceived that way especially by parents. God, I tried so hard to be their son. :(

Based strictly on how much my relationship to my siblings has improved (especially my little brother) by now officially being his big sister, I know it'll be very important to be my parents' daughter. I struggle to see how it'll happen though.

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Your brother is fine with you transitioning, isn't he?

(I've just realised this has become another trans chat thread :P)

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butterflydreams

Yeah, he's a very big supporter and one of the first people I told. I even told him I felt like a crappy big brother, but that I'd be a much better big sister.

Hehe, it's cool. I think just discussing the role parents play in this, and what aspects are involved is interesting. I hope anyone finds value in it. Thinking about it, I kind of wonder if parents who themselves are transitioning might have any ideas about parents of transitioning adult children. Certainly they have a very unique perspective on things.

I think what I always advocate for, that I think trans people themselves forget (understandably) is that family members also undergo a kind of transition of their own. We tend to be so focused on what we have going on ourselves (again, understandably), that we forget this isn't easy for them either. Parents especially. I almost wonder if support/advice for parents should definitely take that angle. If you look at it as a transition for them, how does that change things? My hope would be that it would strengthen both sides.

Of course, the fatal flaw...and the one I run into...is that the parents have to be willing to make that transition...or at least try. If they're not? Well, I don't have an answer for that :(

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I don't think other family members should be forgotten either - although they're not necessarily all living in the same house, suddenly gaining a niece or nephew or cousin of the opposite sex, grandson, granddaughter etc could all do with being addressed.

Maybe "resources for parental figures" might be more inclusive, seeing as I spent a lot of time in the care of my maternal grandparents and one of my aunts as a kid, and I know that's not unusual :P

Of course parents go through their own version of transition, but it in no way should be compared to whatever the actual transitioner is going through. My friend's mum, when she came out as trans, screamed, "what about me!?!" for days. I think they've got past it now, but for a long time her mother was oddly selfish about it all.

Hmm that also reminded me of something my mother and I talked about before I started on testosterone. She'd read up on, well, anabolic steroids, and was convinced I was going to become this aggressive body builder, not realising I was about to start hrt, not a fast track way to dickhead-ville. She was concerned about my safety - and I guess this applies to trans women albeit in a different way - in that men are generally more physically confrontational. Can't really disagree with her 30 years experience in the police... anyway. I imagine being the target of violence is a very real concern for any parent of a trans person, regardless of transition direction and age.

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butterflydreams

I don't think other family members should be forgotten either - although they're not necessarily all living in the same house, suddenly gaining a niece or nephew or cousin of the opposite sex, grandson, granddaughter etc could all do with being addressed.

Maybe "resources for parental figures" might be more inclusive, seeing as I spent a lot of time in the care of my maternal grandparents and one of my aunts as a kid, and I know that's not unusual :P

Oh no, definitely not. And I think any of the advice would be pretty similar for any parental figure one might have in their lives.

Of course parents go through their own version of transition, but it in no way should be compared to whatever the actual transitioner is going through. My friend's mum, when she came out as trans, screamed, "what about me!?!" for days. I think they've got past it now, but for a long time her mother was oddly selfish about it all.

See, I understand the sentiment, but I'm not so sure about that. I don't know what it's like from a parent's point of view. Maybe it's because I tend to be excessively empathetic. It reminds me of my old boss. I told him I was concerned that by asking people for a new name and pronouns, I was putting them out. I said I didn't want to make things too difficult for them. He looked at me like I was crazy, "umm, pretty sure what you're doing is way more difficult than asking them for a new name and pronouns..." But that's just it, in my head, even knowing what transition entails, I still think it's harder for other people. Just how I am I guess.

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Yeah, I understand the feeling of "putting someone out", and it does bother me when I first meet someone or request the change of pronouns, but then I think, well they give that respect automatically to other people. Am I not deserving of that too?

Asking someone to change pronouns (and have the decency to have patience with them) is far less to deal with than the irreversible social and medical changes we're making. There's just no comparison, in my eyes.

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butterflydreams

Oh I know. And that's what my boss told me. People struggling to change name/pronouns is child's play compared to what you're doing, don't stress it.

I think you do have to realize that you are worthy of that basic respect. It's something I've struggled to do for sure.

Speaking of parents though. I got some really, really shitty news last night that has me pretty upset.

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Feel free to PM me if you don't want it public, chick.

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Hads, I'm going to PM you because you're amazing and no one deserves shitty news. But I just wanted to post here that I've been quietly following along, and if you two (or any combination of people) actually do make a website for resources for adult trans people's families (whether it's just for parents, or whether it includes siblings and extended family), I'd really love to see it and possibly link to it in my "favourite links" space in my mod intro. Only if you're comfortable with it, of course. But Hads is right; being trans while an independent adult is very different than being trans while dependent on family, and the challenges are unique enough that different resources are helpful, but lacking.

*hugs*

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