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I had been thinking of myself as asexual, I fit the description almost perfectly. But after some reflection and experimentation, I think I'm really just unable to be intimate, in any way. The closest I can get is to talk about a subject that "should be" intimate in a perfectly honest and genuine way, but still in a way that doesn't feel any different from a conversation in a philosophy class.

My partners often can't tell when I try to show affection, and I'm absolutely lost when it comes to anything physical, not just sex. And its not limited to romantic partners. I can't be intimate with my younger brother when he's upset and needs affection. I remember some kind of emotional intimacy with my parents and my grandmother from early childhood, but not past age 8. The only emotional intimacy I can recall recently is with a cat and with a one-year-old I babysat.

Its alienating and I don't know what to do. Can I seek CBT? How can I have fulfilling relationships with people?

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Get yourself a therapist and be prepared for it to take a long time to work on these issues. You've already identified them and want to do something about them, so that's a brilliant first step.

I was very very similar to this long into my teens, and it was only in my 20s that I started to get a grip on my crap. Animals are wonderful - I had a dog from the age of about nine and she was the focus of what little affection I possessed. Luckily when she died when I was 24, she'd already helped me immensely. It took me a few years to be able to get another dog (who's now three and a monster :P) but the ability to be affectionate and intimate with people had very much taken root in my psyche... or wherever it is that these things take root. It took a long time for me to transfer the ability to love a dog to a human, also with the help of a long term therapist.

I'm still very weird with the majority of people - I don't like being touched by someone unless I've known them a long time, and I'd rather be alone much of the time as I find people quite exhausting. But! It can get better, but be prepared for it to take a while.

Also, you should get a cat :lol:

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I don't see why lack of intimacy is necessarily a defect apart from in the emotionally obssessive society we live in which might insist upon it. Maybe there was something to be said for stiff upper lip after all, as rationality becomes replaced with flagrant emotionalism.

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Get yourself a therapist and be prepared for it to take a long time to work on these issues. You've already identified them and want to do something about them, so that's a brilliant first step.

I was very very similar to this long into my teens, and it was only in my 20s that I started to get a grip on my crap. Animals are wonderful - I had a dog from the age of about nine and she was the focus of what little affection I possessed. Luckily when she died when I was 24, she'd already helped me immensely. It took me a few years to be able to get another dog (who's now three and a monster :P) but the ability to be affectionate and intimate with people had very much taken root in my psyche... or wherever it is that these things take root. It took a long time for me to transfer the ability to love a dog to a human, also with the help of a long term therapist.

I'm still very weird with the majority of people - I don't like being touched by someone unless I've known them a long time, and I'd rather be alone much of the time as I find people quite exhausting. But! It can get better, but be prepared for it to take a while.

Also, you should get a cat :lol:

Thanks, it feels hopeless, but if you've made progress then I guess I can too. I do have cats at home, but I'm separated from them while I'm away for school. My roommates and I are thinking of getting a cat, but that feels like I'm cheating on my cats at home :huh:

I don't see why lack of intimacy is necessarily a defect apart from in the emotionally obssessive society we live in which might insist upon it. Maybe there was something to be said for stiff upper lip after all, as rationality becomes replaced with flagrant emotionalism.

There are times when I really want to be intimate with someone, and I can't. It's a "defect" because it stops me from doing what I want to do.

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Galactic Turtle

Ello!

If you'd like to change the way you relate to people then you should take the steps to do that. At the same time I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with the way you are.

I don't tell people I love them, I don't touch people, if a friend is having some type of breakdown I'm at a loss for what to do so I usually just try to either make them laugh or lay out their problem logically enough that they'll listen and calm down, I can look at a lot of bad things happening knowing I should care and on some level do care but the emotional reactions by the rest of my community leaves me scratching my head consistently. I have friendships and I know I care a lot about those people and since we're friends most know I care even if I don't show it like others. I've gotten in trouble with my parents regarding my so called "lack of intimacy" and I tell them that I simply don't understand why a certain set of words and touches are the only way they think love or any deep emotion can be conveyed. I realized that the way I show my emotions was different than most people ages ago and these days I do try to make an effort to... be more present, I suppose? Now all of my friends are out of college, most of us live in the same city, but I put in the effort to ask them how they're doing and put in the effort to go out with them on nights and weekends, to invite them over to watch movies or whatever because it makes them feel nice. And while it can be tiring, I think it has been a rewarding experience as well.

You obviously care about the people in your life and you recognize this issue you're having when it comes to relating with them as you think you should. I've never been in a romantic relationship but I do see that this issue with intimacy has come up with your past partners. Perhaps some of it comes from you being male bodied and I guess.... raised by society to act and show emotions in a certain way? One that is certainly more muted than expected of the average female bodied person? Just a thought.

Anywho, there are a lot of ways to have fulfilling relationships with people and these relationships can look a lot of different ways, not just this one perfect ideal where we all hug and kiss goodbye and talk about our feelings constantly. That's not the only way to be a good or worthwhile person.

But like I said at the top, if you'd like for your relationships to look a certain way but there's something inside you that's blocking that, taking steps to improve yourself to reach towards your own ideal is a good way to go. ^_^

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