Jump to content

Am I ace? Grey? What am I?


Recommended Posts

For a very long time, ever since I hit puberty, I've known I was different than what was normal. I've tried to ignore it and pretend that I'm something else in the past, but I've been trying to come to terms with myself and my identity, whatever it is. It would be easier if we lived in a world where labels weren't a necessity, but we aren't there yet.

So, I extremely rarely enjoy sex. I have a number of fetishes/paraphillias. When I fantasize, it's never about a specific person, face, or body, it's always about me experiencing a situation/dynamic, usually with certain objects present, and other people don't even have to be there. I'd think about the same things in childhood, before I was even sexual. When my fetishes are incorporated into sex, I really enjoy it. It largely doesn't even matter who I'm having sex with or what they look like really, as long as the dynamics and fetishes I love are there, I'm into it. But my fetishes are not very common and kind of taboo (nothing illegal or immoral btw) so I bring them up with partners very rarely.

I have never looked at a person and thought that I wanted to have sex with them. I have not once actually experienced pleasure during "normal" sex, even with a romantic partner or a person I find good-looking. Seeing the naked body of someone I find good looking or have romantic feelings for does nothing sexually for me. I do find "normal" one-night-stands sort of exciting, I've had quite a few of them, and enjoy them (I guess in that they're a novel/risky experience and I'm prone to risk taking behavior? I don't really feel any physical pleasure during them, I just feel compelled to seek them out for some reason). Yet, the second time I see a person I will not want to have any sexual contact at all.

I LOVE kissing, cuddling, and non-sexual touching (with any gender), and I'm definitely capable of experiencing romance and romantic attraction (so far only strictly towards the opposite gender), but I just really don't experience sexual attraction to people. My only attraction is to objects and dynamics. If I could have the sort of sex I like, I'd have it multiple times per day -- but without the things I like, I'd rather not have it at all. It's so boring -- I've literally fallen asleep twice during sex before.

So what is this? I feel like I'm not strictly ace because I do have a really high sex drive. But I KNOW I'm not hetero/homo/bi/pan/poly-sexual because even though I'll have sex with any gender, I'm not attracted to those people -- I'm attracted to the dynamic in which they're participating with me and the objects involved. Sorry for the length of this post -- I've been struggling with this issue for a while now. Thanks for any help. I feel like there's not a group I perfectly fit in. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sexuality is really variable - there's no one way of being well, anything.

I'm afraid "looking at someone and wanting to sleep with them" is a myth. Teenage boys (or whoever) say things like, "I'd do her!" because they're exactly that - teenage boys. Sexuality is complex, but a lot of the "normal" aspects are based on studies of young males, so you can see how everything outside of that supposed norm might be seen.

Now, sexual attraction is a funny thing. The general consensus away from AVEN is that it's a physical reaction in response to someone or something - you blush, get hot and sweaty and maybe experience physical arousal. There are sexual people who don't experience it, and there are asexual folk here that do, so that'd suggest it's a daft way of determining sexuality, right? What does clearly divide sexual and asexual folk is the desire for sex. Sexual folk, even if it's not directed at someone in particular (i.e. they never experienced sexual attraction), will have a general desire for sex for their own emotional and/or physical pleasure. Asexuals just don't desire it. Simple, yeah?

It's also not about whether or not you enjoy sex in whatever form. Many sexual folk don't enjoy sex, but still desire it. Some only enjoy very specific aspects or sexual acts. Some don't like penetrative or oral or whatever, but they're still sexual folk. Some have kinks and fetishes, and so sex is only worthwhile or enjoyable when they're involved.

Only you can decide your label, but I implore you to research the many forms of sexuality before you come to a conclusion.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...