I'm Not Sure If I'm In The Right Place...

[teh_d3th_st4r]

Hey everybody.

To start, I've identified as gay since 7th grade (I'm now 32) and I have participated in (and enjoyed) sex periodically.

But the other day I was plowing through season 3 of Bojack Horseman on Netflix, and there were a lot of eerie parallels between myself and Todd, and our attitudes and reactions to the prospect of sexual encounters.

I was then struck dumb when he said "I'm not gay. I mean, I don't think I am. But I don't think I'm straight, either. I don't know what I am. I think I might be nothing."

This was the first time I really grasped the concept of asexuality... am I "Nothing"?

It's been chewing away at me. I like men. I'm attracted to men. I like being romantically involved with men. But sex is never a primary concern for me. If I'm romantically involved with someone, and I feel comfortable with them, sex can happen... but it's never been my end game.

I'll try to give an example:

When I see an attractive man, my instinct is not to think that they're hot, or that I'd want to see them naked, or imagine what it would be like to have sex with them... I think about and fantasize a romantic entanglement with them. Netflix & Chill, long walks on the beach, riding motorcycles, all soft rock and sunsets kind of romance. I crave deep emotional attachment and love far more than anything physical.

I don't like the thought of random hookups, or short flings... I'm getting frustrated trying to describe it.

Sex is fine, but I don't actively want to have sex. When I do have sex; it's not for pleasure, but to help cultivate a deeper emotional attachment with another person. Sex makes people happy, and when I have sex with someone, that makes them happy, and that makes me happy.

One of the things that has me conflicted is that I do consume erotic graphic novels, and receive gratification from them. But I'm very particular about the material, as it has to be very believably romance oriented, or I have to be convinced that the characters deeply care for each other (like Brokeback vs. Westside Story). It's like the portrayal of genuine love is what turns me on, and not the graphic images.

I'm not sure what I am now... definitely homoromantic, but does the strict criteria under which I will engage in sexual activity make me asexual?

I haven't been this confused since 6th grade.

[teh_d3th_st4r]

I'd also like to add that when I am getting familiar with people, I am often concerned that they may want to have sex before I'm comfortable with them... like, they don't even have to be a romantic prospect, or even the same gender, I'm just concerned that people might want to.

I've had more than a couple female friends get a few drinks in 'em, and then proceed to get a little too grabby because they were much more comfortable with me than I was with them. There's also been a number of men in my life that have done the same thing, and it all makes me uncomfortable.

[Galactic Turtle]

Hi! I'm not the best at giving advice or... defining things... but hopefully something I say helps. ^_^

If you poke around on AVEN, you'll find a number of terms that outline the asexual spectrum with asexual (doesn't experience sexual attraction) being at the extreme end of it. There's also things like demisexual (experiences sexual attraction once a strong emotional bond is formed) and gray asexual (experiences sexual attraction but very rarely / basically never) that you might want to look into as well. I did hear something on the interwebs about this Bojack show and I'm glad you connected with it! That's one good thing that comes from asexual representation in media. *does victory jump*

One of the things that has me conflicted is that I do consume erotic graphic novels, and receive gratification from them.

Fun fact! I think most asexuals masturbate? And I'm pretty sure a decent amount indulge in erotic material and... ahem... get off to it. (never thought I'd ever type that sentence :P ) It's completely normal and if your body is asking for it then head to town! Plenty of asexuals have a libido. Some have a very active libido but arousal doesn't equate to attraction. (If you have time, the various attraction vs. desire debates might be interesting to you as... there's an ongoing back and forth as to what asexuality actually is... welcome to the jungle, sir)

When I see an attractive man, my instinct is not to think that they're hot, or that I'd want to see them naked, or imagine what it would be like to have sex with them... I think about and fantasize a romantic entanglement with them. Netflix & Chill, long walks on the beach, riding motorcycles, all soft rock and sunsets kind of romance. I crave deep emotional attachment and love far more than anything physical.

The sexual spectrum, I believe, is just as vast as the asexual spectrum. I think a lot of sexual people lead the way with romantic fantasies and then somewhere along the way the sexual feelings pop in... oftentimes intertwined so tightly that the thought of love without sex disqualifies anything of romantic substance being there. There's I guess... a cultural stereotype that men specifically are expected to want to bone anything that moves because of testosterone *does spooky spirit fingers* but that's not true! It taking time to become emotionally and physically ready for sex is dandy... however the longer that takes, the more likely it is that a partner might get a bit irked. And if it keeps taking "too long" on a regular basis, people can sometimes find themselves here on AVEN. :(

I'd also like to add that when I am getting familiar with people, I am often concerned that they may want to have sex before I'm comfortable with them... like, they don't even have to be a romantic prospect, or even the same gender, I'm just concerned that people might want to.

Something to perhaps think about as you explore AVEN is if the prospect of a romantic relationship where you didn't have sex with your partner makes you sigh in relief. A lot of times, people who don't know about asexuality but fall on the spectrum engage in sex because it's expected of them and that it's the natural progression of things for all people. A lot of people simply can't conceptualize how you can be with someone in that way without there being that super intimate component. If I'm encountered with that type of thinking I just say to myself "if there can be sex without love then there can be love without sex." It seems really simple but it's something that never crosses the minds of most people and it can be a really tough pill to swallow knowing that your ideal romantic relationship - to much of the population - can't exist.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE A DEBBY DOWNER.

Hopefully something I said helped. Happy exploring!

[Star Bit]

So you don't desire sex at all? Not after foreplay or for emotional /sexual pleasure?

@Galactic Turtle

Yah, most asexuals masturbate and most use some form of erotica to do so. (and that's according to an AVEN poll)

[teh_d3th_st4r]

If you poke around on AVEN, you'll find a number of terms that outline the asexual spectrum with asexual (doesn't experience sexual attraction) being at the extreme end of it. There's also things like demisexual (experiences sexual attraction once a strong emotional bond is formed) and gray asexual (experiences sexual attraction but very rarely / basically never) that you might want to look into as well. I did hear something on the interwebs about this Bojack show and I'm glad you connected with it! That's one good thing that comes from asexual representation in media. *does victory jump*

I looked into Demisexuality... that pretty much nails it.

I'm not sure where that would fall in the asexuality spectrum (or if it's even in the same category) but it gives me a place to start.

So you don't desire sex at all? Not after foreplay or for emotional /sexual pleasure?

@Galactic Turtle

Yah, most asexuals masturbate and most use some form of erotica to do so. (and that's according to an AVEN poll)

Not really. I don't ever initiate sexual activity, and I'm often not receptive.

If I allow physical activity up to the point of foreplay or heavy petting; I'll definitely have the biological desire to have sex. But before that, I generally have no interest unless I have a deep emotional attachment to the other person.

Most of my sexual activity can be attributed to drinking, as I used it as a social lubricant, and it would make the process less stressful for me... but I quit drinking 5 years ago, and I think I've had sex maybe 3-4 times since then. It's a very unimportant aspect of my life.

[Galactic Turtle]

If you poke around on AVEN, you'll find a number of terms that outline the asexual spectrum with asexual (doesn't experience sexual attraction) being at the extreme end of it. There's also things like demisexual (experiences sexual attraction once a strong emotional bond is formed) and gray asexual (experiences sexual attraction but very rarely / basically never) that you might want to look into as well. I did hear something on the interwebs about this Bojack show and I'm glad you connected with it! That's one good thing that comes from asexual representation in media. *does victory jump*

I looked into Demisexuality... that pretty much nails it.

I'm not sure where that would fall in the asexuality spectrum (or if it's even in the same category) but it gives me a place to start.

Demisexuality is in the gray area. There's actually an entire subforum called "the gray area, sex and related discussions" that you might want to look into. But because it sounds like you'd like for sex to be part of your romantic relationships at some point down the road with the right person, the gray area forum would definitely be worth exploring. ^_^

[Star Bit]

Well, if you desire sex after foreplay then that's not Demisexual, that's just responsive sexual desire; which half of sexual people have (though it's for a majority of women and a minority of men). Unless you mean the foreplay desire only happens after that bond, that bond takes more than a month to form, and you mean desire and not a comfort level that allows you to consent to sex. Then yah, that'd be demisexual. Also, the drinking to ease yourself into having sex is also a mild thing among asexuals.

Secondly, eventhough asexual/aromantic spectrum is a common phrase it's actually inaccurate and has caused some big problems, so it really needs to be replaced; possibly with subsexual/subromantic spectrum. For one, the term itself doesn't actually refer to asexuality or aromanticism being a spectrum but just to things in that vicinity on the sexual/romantic spectrum (i.e. asexuality/aromanticism and the gray umbrella). People on the Gray spectrum are just abnormal sexuals/romantics (not that a name for such things is unneeded). Though to be more clear, Gray-sexual/Gray-asexual refers to an abnormal sex-drive (e.g. desiring sex after an unusual amount of time, rarely, etc.) and not abnormal sexual preferences (e.g. fetishes). If you had sex 3-4 times within 5 years, and it reflected your desire for sex, then I'd say it's low but not rare, so Gray-sexual would be more accurate than Gray-asexual; as that amount is not low enough to be considered "virtually asexual" (which is what Gray-A is used for).