Jump to content

Feeling weird about the fact you've had sex


if-indeed

Recommended Posts

Is there anybody else who started having sex long before they realized they were asexual, who feels strange about it? I think that I'd feel more like myself if I could say I've never had sex before. Even now, it's hard to identify with the fact that I have done it--I don't "feel like" the sort of person who would have sex. I don't want other people to see me as someone who has sex, since I don't really see myself that way. It makes me really uncomfortable. Looking back, I was pretty disengaged when I did sleep with people, and didn't feel like myself even as I was doing it. I dunno, the knowledge that I have just feels strange to me now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven't tried sex I have a feeling I won't like it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Firstly, we all have our own individual journeys.

There are plenty of LGBTQIA+ peoples who performed to what's expected in a heteronormative society before discovering their identity.

Your path here doesn't invalidate your identity.

If it would help, explore why past sexual activities make you feel weird. Are those 'bad memories', say if you're sex-repulsed?

Or do you perhaps feel like your aro ace identity is compromised because of these sexual acts?

For the latter point, plenty of ace folks reportedly engage in that kind of activity, and then many of us don't. And that's totally alright.

Since you can't change the past, my advice would be to accept it as part of your journey of self-discovery and accept it as a part of your experience.

If it's a distressing memory, then perhaps talking to a professional might help.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't feel ashamed about it, or wish I never had sex. I actually wish I had more of it, to have more experience to go by. But I never felt like pursuing it instead of at wilder moments when I could push myself to go beyond my own desires. I don't feel like I need to be consistent with my past. I can see how this wouldn't be the same for those who want to feel that way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I mean, not all of it is traumatic. (And I don't think the parts that are are relevant to this feeling.) It's more like this isn't in line with how I see myself and want others to see me--dissonance. I know, objectively at least, that it doesn't invalidate my identity, but it's hard to resolve the feeling. I'm trying to think of a good comparison and I can't really. I haven't had much luck talking to therapists about asexual identity issues, unfortunately, and I've seen quite a few.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sex seems like a strange experience to me so I feel like if I did have sex I would feel strange about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't feel strange about being asexual and having had sex in the past.

I do tend to get down on myself at times for not having figure it out sooner and feel like I wasted so much energy in the past trying to like sex. Although the longer I go since I figured out I was asexual (at ~47 years old) the less I feel those regrets. I seem to be improving on enjoying the present and not worrying about what I did in the past. How lovely it is now to not be having sex.

Cathy

Link to post
Share on other sites
butterflydreams

I guess I'm pretty glad I've never had sex. If I had, it would've been for the wrong reasons, and probably would have caused me more harm in the long run. I feel kind of stupid to admit it, given my age, but I feel a lot more ready for and capable of sex now. I'd certainly be open to exploring it, just because, you know?

I feel sad when people judge me negatively for not having had sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can't say I feel weird about it or ashamed of it. Makes for some funny stories.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel sad when people judge me negatively for not having had sex.

Screw them and the high horse those jkas {jackasses} rode in on.

but yea... I hate knowing I have had sex, especially since I am sex-repulsed, the very knowing makes me feel sick to my stomach and sometimes gets as bad as to want to burn my own skin off that someone ever touched me that way. I didn't really want to but the guys I was with made me feel as though they would leave me if I didn't... so most of it is pushed to that shame of not being stronger to say... you know what, F* YOU if you can't love me for me and would leave me over something so stupid and trivial. *shrugs* ^^; which is how I shall be from now on if I ever even do consider ever being in a relationship ever again... probably never will though. most likely.

Link to post
Share on other sites
butterflydreams

I feel sad when people judge me negatively for not having had sex.

Screw them and the high horse those jkas {jackasses} rode in on.

I'm consistently surprised by the number of "progressive", "open-minded" people that do it.
Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel sad when people judge me negatively for not having had sex.

Screw them and the high horse those jkas {jackasses} rode in on.
I'm consistently surprised by the number of "progressive", "open-minded" people that do it.

yea. just a bunch of oversexed lamos. *shakes head* -_- ignore them and never let them get to you. They're the pathetic ones. So obsessed with something so pointless and sickeningly self gratifying, it only shows that they're weak and you're the strong one. You should feel a sense of accomplishment for not letting anyone pressure you into something that really doesn't DO anything for you in the longrun except open you up to disease and bleh. *shudders*

Link to post
Share on other sites

yea. just a bunch of oversexed lamos. *shakes head* -_- ignore them and never let them get to you. They're the pathetic ones. So obsessed with something so pointless and sickeningly self gratifying, it only shows that they're weak and you're the strong one. You should feel a sense of accomplishment for not letting anyone pressure you into something that really doesn't DO anything for you in the longrun except open you up to disease and bleh. *shudders*

Uh, no. There's absolutely no good reason to look down on people who have sex. They're not "weak" and you're not "strong." They're simply different from you. Asexual elitism, besides being ugly, is against AVEN's TOS.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Is there anybody else who started having sex long before they realized they were asexual, who feels strange about it? I think that I'd feel more like myself if I could say I've never had sex before. Even now, it's hard to identify with the fact that I have done it--I don't "feel like" the sort of person who would have sex. I don't want other people to see me as someone who has sex, since I don't really see myself that way. It makes me really uncomfortable. Looking back, I was pretty disengaged when I did sleep with people, and didn't feel like myself even as I was doing it. I dunno, the knowledge that I have just feels strange to me now.

Why do you care about what other people think of you? Why do you care if they know that you had sex in the past?

I don't get it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Although I haven't had a sexual contact in the last 25 years or so, I am nevertheless glad I have had some experience with sexual relationships. I would always wonder what I was missing out on if I never experienced sex. When I was about 24, I went to a Nevada whorehouse and hired a prostitute just so I could see why sex was such a big deal for everyone else - and it was not that great. During college, I used to *wish* I was a male slut like many of my friends. I used to fantasize about being a playboy, but it just wasn't in me. Looking back, I can see these were just early adulthood signs of my asexuality that I failed to recognize for another 20 years.

If-Indeed, I suggest you forgive yourself for your past sexual activity and move on - and embrace your asexual orientation. What you perceive how other people think about you is really how you feel about yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I definitely feel weird that I've had it because like you say, I "don't feel like the sort of person who would have sex". I don't even know what that means really and I most certainly don't intend it in any elitist sense. It's just that sexual stuff doesn't fit with my character somehow.

Yeah, exactly that! I don't mean it an an elitist way either, just that for me personally it doesn't feel right or accurate.

Why do you care about what other people think of you? Why do you care if they know that you had sex in the past?

I don't get it.

It's an identity thing. I don't like being thought of that way because I can't identify with it at all, same as e.g. a bisexual person that other people keep reading as straight. To me, that isn't who I am and I don't want to be perceived as something I'm not.

If-Indeed, I suggest you forgive yourself for your past sexual activity and move on - and embrace your asexual orientation. What you perceive how other people think about you is really how you feel about yourself.

...damn, you may be right. I know it is a sort of cognitive dissonance within myself--what I am versus what I did--but maybe it doesn't have much to do with anyone else at all. I mean, I have felt grossed out when people have made jokes about me having sex in the past, but that was mostly because they were assuming I was having sex that I was wasn't. (I was married at the time.) I'm probably the only person IRL who has questioned my orientation over it. Not that I come out to many people. What you say about embracing my orientation is spot-on, I think; part of it has to do with lowkey wishing I weren't ace. Wishing my behavior lined up with my orientation, in either direction. I hear other guys talking about their sexploits, and I could contribute to the conversation but I know I don't quite fit. I hear ace people talking about how glad they are that they've never had sex, how they'd never want to, and again I could contribute to the conversation, but I also can't. I want to fit in, anywhere. I want there to be a place where I can feel like myself, and to feel like being myself doesn't make me an outsider somehow.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Is there anybody else who started having sex long before they realized they were asexual, who feels strange about it? I think that I'd feel more like myself if I could say I've never had sex before. Even now, it's hard to identify with the fact that I have done it--I don't "feel like" the sort of person who would have sex. I don't want other people to see me as someone who has sex, since I don't really see myself that way. It makes me really uncomfortable. Looking back, I was pretty disengaged when I did sleep with people, and didn't feel like myself even as I was doing it. I dunno, the knowledge that I have just feels strange to me now.

Why do you care about what other people think of you? Why do you care if they know that you had sex in the past?

I don't get it.

How lucky that you never have to prepare yourself for how other people may perceive you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

yea. just a bunch of oversexed lamos. *shakes head* -_- ignore them and never let them get to you. They're the pathetic ones. So obsessed with something so pointless and sickeningly self gratifying, it only shows that they're weak and you're the strong one. You should feel a sense of accomplishment for not letting anyone pressure you into something that really doesn't DO anything for you in the longrun except open you up to disease and bleh. *shudders*

Uh, no. There's absolutely no good reason to look down on people who have sex. They're not "weak" and you're not "strong." They're simply different from you. Asexual elitism, besides being ugly, is against AVEN's TOS.

It may be that BabdollJester meant that specifically about those who would judge others for not having had sex. At least that's how I read it. However, yes, I can see how that comment could be interpreted as a negative generalization of all sexual people, not just the judgy ones obsessed with how much sex everyone else is having.

With that in mind, I remind everyone to take care not post to negative generalizations about sexual people; it's anti-sexual, it counts as bigotry, it violates the AVEN ToS and it just isn't very cool. It's okay to rant about how you may be pressured to have sex (i.e., "It drives me crazy every time that..."). It's not okay to post negative stereotypes (i.e., "Those people are so...").

Qutenkuddly,

Older Asexuals Moderator

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ms.Frankenstein

Yes... I identified as bi for years (but picky)... I couldn't even find the proverbial closet. I've only had one sexual relationship and hated it. I'm definitely ace, probably aro... I have no desire for a relationship at all and see it as something that would be a hindrance.

I basically, feel like a liar. All that time I was "out" as bi, I feel like I was lying. I am partly sex repulsed, and my experience with sex wasn't positive. I definitely relate to what someone said above... I remember the times I've had sex and I want to rip my skin off to erase the memory!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why do you care about what other people think of you? Why do you care if they know that you had sex in the past?

I don't get it.

It's an identity thing. I don't like being thought of that way because I can't identify with it at all, same as e.g. a bisexual person that other people keep reading as straight. To me, that isn't who I am and I don't want to be perceived as something I'm not.

If-Indeed, I suggest you forgive yourself for your past sexual activity and move on - and embrace your asexual orientation. What you perceive how other people think about you is really how you feel about yourself.

I don't think people in general think that much about it, I agree with muledeer, I think you reflect in others the way you see yourself. You should forgive yourself, you didn't do anything wrong, your fear about others is, in reality, your own fear. Accept yourself and be happy, you have the right to be happy. Other people probably don't spend a second thinking about you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Is there anybody else who started having sex long before they realized they were asexual, who feels strange about it? I think that I'd feel more like myself if I could say I've never had sex before. Even now, it's hard to identify with the fact that I have done it--I don't "feel like" the sort of person who would have sex. I don't want other people to see me as someone who has sex, since I don't really see myself that way. It makes me really uncomfortable. Looking back, I was pretty disengaged when I did sleep with people, and didn't feel like myself even as I was doing it. I dunno, the knowledge that I have just feels strange to me now.

Why do you care about what other people think of you? Why do you care if they know that you had sex in the past?

I don't get it.

How lucky that you never have to prepare yourself for how other people may perceive you.

Why should I care about what others think unless they have some kind of power over me?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Is there anybody else who started having sex long before they realized they were asexual, who feels strange about it? I think that I'd feel more like myself if I could say I've never had sex before. Even now, it's hard to identify with the fact that I have done it--I don't "feel like" the sort of person who would have sex. I don't want other people to see me as someone who has sex, since I don't really see myself that way. It makes me really uncomfortable. Looking back, I was pretty disengaged when I did sleep with people, and didn't feel like myself even as I was doing it. I dunno, the knowledge that I have just feels strange to me now.

Why do you care about what other people think of you? Why do you care if they know that you had sex in the past?

I don't get it.

How lucky that you never have to prepare yourself for how other people may perceive you.

Why should I care about what others think unless they have some kind of power over me?

We could get into complex sociological and philosophical discussions here, but that's more effort than I care to submit. The fact is that power relationships are complicated, and it is never as simple as the people to whom you directly report.

Link to post
Share on other sites

yea. just a bunch of oversexed lamos. *shakes head* -_- ignore them and never let them get to you. They're the pathetic ones. So obsessed with something so pointless and sickeningly self gratifying, it only shows that they're weak and you're the strong one. You should feel a sense of accomplishment for not letting anyone pressure you into something that really doesn't DO anything for you in the longrun except open you up to disease and bleh. *shudders*

Uh, no. There's absolutely no good reason to look down on people who have sex. They're not "weak" and you're not "strong." They're simply different from you. Asexual elitism, besides being ugly, is against AVEN's TOS.

it's not elitism, or saying one is better than the other. Just saying they aren't better like THEY are acting like they are. And yes THEY are weak for judging someone who doesn't want to when that person isn't judging them for wanting to. try reading EVERYTHING that is written before you go writing replies please.

Link to post
Share on other sites

yea. just a bunch of oversexed lamos. *shakes head* -_- ignore them and never let them get to you. They're the pathetic ones. So obsessed with something so pointless and sickeningly self gratifying, it only shows that they're weak and you're the strong one. You should feel a sense of accomplishment for not letting anyone pressure you into something that really doesn't DO anything for you in the longrun except open you up to disease and bleh. *shudders*

Uh, no. There's absolutely no good reason to look down on people who have sex. They're not "weak" and you're not "strong." They're simply different from you. Asexual elitism, besides being ugly, is against AVEN's TOS.

it's not elitism, or saying one is better than the other. Just saying they aren't better like THEY are acting like they are. And yes THEY are weak for judging someone who doesn't want to when that person isn't judging them for wanting to. try reading EVERYTHING that is written before you go writing replies please.

I invite you to read what you said. Not elitism?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Nope. just stating what I think of sex, not of them. *shrugs* yea. oversexed lamos thing sounds harsh, but I think people who think it's right to judge others for not liking what they like are lamos. so what. they would probably call me a lamo for being sex-repulsed. *shrugs* whatever... I have enough people misunderstanding me in real world, don't have to explain myself to them or you. think what you want of what I said. but I guarantee you I'm the last person to EVER think one human is better than another based on preferences... it's how you treat others. they are mistreating this person cause of something they don't want to do. and that person isn't judging them for doing it. end of story, I think the non-judging one is a nicer person and the others should shut their pie-holes. I just don't tip-toe around my feelings on the matter, you don't like it. *shrugs* I don't care. and I'm not going to sit here and argue with you over what I mean and what you THINK I meant even though I pretty much just did, but won't anymore. have a nice day deary.

Link to post
Share on other sites

yea. just a bunch of oversexed lamos. *shakes head* -_- ignore them and never let them get to you. They're the pathetic ones. So obsessed with something so pointless and sickeningly self gratifying, it only shows that they're weak and you're the strong one. You should feel a sense of accomplishment for not letting anyone pressure you into something that really doesn't DO anything for you in the longrun except open you up to disease and bleh. *shudders*

Uh, no. There's absolutely no good reason to look down on people who have sex. They're not "weak" and you're not "strong." They're simply different from you. Asexual elitism, besides being ugly, is against AVEN's TOS.

It may be that BabdollJester meant that specifically about those who would judge others for not having had sex. At least that's how I read it. However, yes, I can see how that comment could be interpreted as a negative generalization of all sexual people, not just the judgy ones obsessed with how much sex everyone else is having.

With that in mind, I remind everyone to take care not post to negative generalizations about sexual people; it's anti-sexual, it counts as bigotry, it violates the AVEN ToS and it just isn't very cool. It's okay to rant about how you may be pressured to have sex (i.e., "It drives me crazy every time that..."). It's not okay to post negative stereotypes (i.e., "Those people are so...").

Qutenkuddly,

Older Asexuals Moderator

*hugs* I love you now. seriously -_- someone reads between the lines. Thank you for being insightful. ^-^ I shall TRY to write not so generally... ^^; but I'm not so great at it when something triggers me and I just assume everyone should be able to get my meaning ^^; I seem to forget that just because I can 99% read between the lines not everyone else can.. so... my apologies.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This thread is literally about feeling bad because of having engaged in sexual activity that in retrospect you wouldn't have chosen to have. That kind of talk is the opposite of helpful here, it's making me feel worse. I'm sure there are other threads to discuss how repulsive sex is to you. (I'm not trying to be a dick, but please consider the context when you say stuff like that.)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can very much relate to this topic. The sex I have had in the past was very disconnected from me as a person. Just going with what I thought I was supposed to be doing and enjoying. I thought it was how everyone felt. Now it realize it isn't and that's ok. But, I see where you are coming from with this topic.

Link to post
Share on other sites
deleted_account

I'm writing this as a bisexual who in the past has identified as asexual, so take my responses with a grain of salt. I know I'm not the average AVEN user.

That said, I think it's common to have done things in the past that present-you wouldn't approve of. It's part of life. You learn from your experiences, figure out your morals and preferences, and those dictate your future decisions, which are (hopefully) better ones than your past decisions. I went through a phase in my early twenties where I used sex as a self-destructive behavior. It was messy, and I'm not proud of it. Even after I quit acting that way, I felt that people were still judging me, thinking I was a "slut" or whatever. I worried what my peers thought.

Gradually I pushed through my worries and started making friends anyway. As it turns out, a lot of people aren't that judgmental.

I also feel that if you don't talk about your past sexual experiences, most people won't dwell on it either. If you build up the parts of your personality that aren't so relationships/sex-based, people will (often, not always) begin to see you for something more than that. I'm butch, so I get misread as a lesbian often. It used to really bother me, and I'd get angry. I'm learning now not to care so much.... it wastes a lot of energy if you get mad over other people's opinion of you. You can't always control their opinions. You can sway them a bit one way or another, but some people are just determined that you are A when you're actually B, and sometimes that's just something you have to deal with.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

Is there anybody else who started having sex long before they realized they were asexual, who feels strange about it? I think that I'd feel more like myself if I could say I've never had sex before. Even now, it's hard to identify with the fact that I have done it--I don't "feel like" the sort of person who would have sex. I don't want other people to see me as someone who has sex, since I don't really see myself that way. It makes me really uncomfortable. Looking back, I was pretty disengaged when I did sleep with people, and didn't feel like myself even as I was doing it. I dunno, the knowledge that I have just feels strange to me now.

Yes, I had sex long before I ever heard the word asexuality. I thought there were two options, you were either gay or straight, and because I was in love, I thought that meant I was straight. But I never really wanted the sex, but i went along with it because it was expected. I thought sooner or later I would learn to like it, I just never did. I was never attracted to my partner, and in all my years still have never felt sexual attraction to anyone.

If-indeed, I relate to a lot of what you are saying. There is a kind of cognitive dissonance for me about it now. The thing is, it was finding out about asexuality, and learning that that's what I am, that armed me with the knowledge that I had the right to say "no" to what I didn't want to do in the first place.

Plenty of people don't have never bowed to societal pressures, or romantic pressures to have sex and that's fine, but some of us have, and that leads to all kinds of confusing feelings when we work out our orientations.

I suppose we just have to make our peace with our past.

Hope my ramblings are helpful somehow.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...