Another rant: femininity

[Emery.]

I'm trying to write a rant for a couple of days already but I can't make sense out of my own thoughts. I just hope I am making the right choices, I think.

On one hand, I have this whole transgender trouble. I think I never really felt like a girl, nor do I feel like a woman really. I failed to see my similarity to the opposite sex until grade 9 or so. I really hated that I'm treated like a girl, now I'm pretty much oblivious on one hand, and on the other I manned up a little bit in order to not to have to put up with this all the time. Short hair does the job. I think I don't really look like a person that I am, I fail to make the right impression. I don't understand people. I mean, I see what's going on inside them, but rather from an analytical perspective. #INTP probelms. Nevermind. Dating is a huge fear of mine and one big question mark. But. On the topic of communication. Maybe. I recently told blatantly to a friend, when discussing some relationship stuff, that I could have moved on to action on the first date and I don't mind as long as everything is safe et cetera. She was surprised. But then she took it as natural. So maybe I should just speak on what I like and dislike. Maybe I just sit in the corner and observe, don't speak, and then am surprised that people don't know a thing about me.

On the other hand. I used to hate wearing all things considered feminine. Make-up, skirts, nail polish. And so on. But somehow, I am no longer uncomfortable doing it, just like I'm no longer uncomfortable doing many other things considered feminine. It's gradual, but progressing. I see a link that the more I allow myself to identify masculine and fulfil related desires and so on, the more I embrace it, the more comfortable I am with femininity. Recently, I paint my nails, wear make-up and dresses a lot. I look really pretty like that. Somehow, I feel like much in the concept or rhetoric on being trans is about how you look, how you dress, how your body is. And I feel like it doesn't really matter. It's all about who you are on the inside, right? And there is no shame in looking this or that way. Kinda... look how you wanna look. Aesthetically, I like it, I like dressing feminine. I think that for years I had no idea I could be this gothic girl with black nails, or that I could wear those toned down feminine clothes, black, grey, white. I had no idea you could look classy and feminine, or that a skirt could be comfortable and tights warm. It also took me a complete departure from femininity to come back successfully. Because initially I was told that my make-up has to be perfect, nails too, legs smooth, and I shouldn't run in a dress, I should sit neat, and so on. So I gave up completely for some time. And then I could return in a healthy way with help of my friends, male and female alike, who don't care if my legs are ideally smooth, it's enough that my skirt looks pretty on me. That's a healthy dose of distance that I think today's culture around femininity lacks. Don't get me wrong, my mom is one hell fussy. It's unbearable. And I like to look like a girl, in the end. There is no possible way I could have learnt from her how to be feminine. And if there is one thing about femininity I like, it's fashion.

There is like, this standard, that men don't wear women's clothes, which projects to transmasculine people too. And I feel like... I'm not ashamed to be a woman. I'm not ashamed to be feminine. I feel proud that I am a woman. Even if I am in fact only a man in a woman's body. (But... what is a "real woman"?) I mean no offence. It's just... I kind of feel this way. There is so much more to a person than what they wear, and anyone reasonable should know it that people don't always look the part. I ... can... look like a lady and behave like a gentleman if that's what I wanna do. No matter what they say about it. There are dudes who like to look like girls, yet still behave very dudely. I know many of them. It's a thing. Moreover, people respond most to how you behave, and maybe I'm just being too timid.

Also on the other hand. I somehow feel guilty about being an FtMish person. The thing about oppression gets to me. That by expressing my masculinity (I think it's the most right description) on purpose, I'm somehow playing along with the patriarchy. By identifyig as a man / with men, or cutting my hair short, or anything like that. It gets me all the way, because I identified as a feminist for years, and feel the oppression of women thing very personally, and perhabs falsely through the lens of my own masculine-centric preferences. Guilt over being a man. Guilt that I am this savage, sex-obsessed, dirty, brutal person who lacks in the subtlety department. Guilt that I am doing harm to others. Or that instead of fighting patriarchy, I am participating in it by being rivalrous instead of cooperative. Or by expressing mascuinity. I mean, I fully respect feminine people, and my current point of view is what taught me that. I don't think someone who is different than I am is inferior in any way, but that's just it: a difference.

End of rant. Thank you for reading and bearing with me.

[Luftschlosseule]

I can relate to some of what you're saying. Last year, I discovered the beauty of the colour pink and related tones, like rosé.
A long time I felt if I like this colour I automaticly have to be a girly girl, and I never felt that way so I thought I couldn't like that colour.

Also, as my classmated discovered make-up I felt so pressured into this that I wore for a few months only jeans and black men's shirts from a discounter. Then, as I tried make-up myself I had wrong expectations, becaused I saw what the girls from my class did, but didn't account for their experience because they started long ago and was very frustrated as I couldn't get the effect I was aiming for.
I ignored the whole stuff as good as it was possible, and as my mind was ready to tackle it anew it worked, somehow.

And I heard from a few other persons the same experiences.

You say there is more to a person than what you wear.
I say, there also is more to a person than their cultural background. Just because you identify as a man it doesn't mean you can't identify as a feminist, or a good person. Your gender does not make you a good or bad person, your choices, you behavior does. And if you need a little bit of time for adjustment when a situation changes, that does only make you human. Please, don't be too hard on yourself.

[Emery.]

I had nothing against pink and had long hair, but I didn't shave, and wore trousers, sneakers, t-shirts and hoodies for like a good couple of years. I even didn't wear make-up for an extended period of time, and I have to admit that I like to wear it only sometimes. I hope to cure my acne finally and be able to just walk out without any foundation. Becuase for now I rarely use anything beyond. So a serious case of "wears sweats". I even dressed like a dude for beginning and end of school year. Well, this year I'm gonna too. I got myself a really nice white shirt. Nobody can talk me out of dressing like a dude either :P

It's interesting to hear that many people have this same experience.

Rest later, it's too heavy for me to think about it now

[Calligraphette_Coe]

Also on the other hand. I somehow feel guilty about being an FtMish person. The thing about oppression gets to me. That by expressing my masculinity (I think it's the most right description) on purpose, I'm somehow playing along with the patriarchy. By identifyig as a man / with men, or cutting my hair short, or anything like that. It gets me all the way, because I identified as a feminist for years, and feel the oppression of women thing very personally, and perhabs falsely through the lens of my own masculine-centric preferences. Guilt over being a man. Guilt that I am this savage, sex-obsessed, dirty, brutal person who lacks in the subtlety department. Guilt that I am doing harm to others. Or that instead of fighting patriarchy, I am participating in it by being rivalrous instead of cooperative. Or by expressing mascuinity. I mean, I fully respect feminine people, and my current point of view is what taught me that. I don't think someone who is different than I am is inferior in any way, but that's just it: a difference.

Think of it as an example of Zeno's Paradox of Place ( if everything that exists has a place, place too will have a place, and so on ad infinitum. ) So that whatever place you make for yourself, there will be no place like that place, so it must *be* the place.

[Heart]

Your rant reminds me of a Buddhist concept of thesis, antithesis and synthesis. The idea is this: in mathematics and logic, we can have a state A. Then we can have not-A, which is often represented by A with a bar over it. It is anything that is not A, essentially, but for the moment let's assume we're talking about a binary system where there are only two states. Then not-A is the "other" state. Maybe for clarity, let's call it B. Then there is not-not-A, which is sometimes written as an A with two bars over it (like an equals sign over the A). Logically, we say that not-not-A is equal by definition to A.

Some examples, to illustrate what I'm talking about, where "==" means "equals by definition" and "=/=" means "does not equal".

A == A

A =/= not-A

not-A == B

not-B == A

B == B

not-not-A == A

etc

Do you follow so far? Well, the Buddhist thesis-antithesis-synthesis argues something different. [side note: A is the thesis, not-A is the antithesis and not-not-A is the synthesis.] It argues that not-not-A is not equal to A. One example of this is marriage (in a binary system where everyone is either married or not; no other relationships exist for the purpose of a simple example). Someone who has never married is in group A. When they get married, they now belong to group B. They are not-A, or not single. But then if they are divorced, they are not-B, or not-not-A, now. So are they A (ie single)? Well, sort of, but not really. Really, they have had the experience of marriage, and they now know what it's like. Likely, they hurt from the divorce and have all sorts of emotions that they didn't have when they were first in group A. So they are really more "divorced" than they are "single". They are not-not-A, but not A.

The purpose (as I interpret it) of this whole doctrine is to say that humans and reality is often more complicated than a reduction to simple logic implies. Humans are rarely binary in any way, and we have memory; flipping between states, even if they were binary, does not leave us un-marked or un-changed. Even if you end up exactly where you started, ie without a partner (in the above case of marriage), you are not the same person you were when you started (being not-not-A is not the same as being A).

So I don't think it's unusual to go from presenting femininely (and hating it) to presenting masculinely (and enjoying it), to then go to presenting femininely and enjoying it. Our experiences change and help shape us as human beings.

I know that was only one part of your rant. But you describing your relationship to how you present reminded me of my own journey in so many ways. When I first became genderfluid (I was not so all my life) I used to feel so of and wrong when presenting as a gender that I was no. But now, I have a word for it, and I know what's going on, and I went through a phase of presenting always closer to the gender I was. Now though, I kinda enjoy crossdressing. I like dressing femininely when I feel masculinely, and vice versa. I've gone full circle, but now I enjoy presenting as feminine when I'm masculine instead of resenting it or feeling wrong. I've reached the synthesis stage, in a way. And I don't think this is that uncommon a phenomenon.

Anywho. That's my random response to your rant. Sorry if it's off-topic and not helpful, take a cake instead:

[Emery.]

Okey, time for reply.

Even if you end up exactly where you started, ie without a partner (in the above case of marriage), you are not the same person you were when you started (being not-not-A is not the same as being A).

True... it kind of reminds me that I got more and more and more to the masc side, wanted to pass and got tired of it, beacuse I failed all the time. Girl, girl, girl. Then, I gave up. Put on a dress, make-up, my lady clothes, went to the store... and got called "boy" for the first time in my whole life. I looked crossdressed for some reason. Once you've been to the other side, it's not the same. That's true.

At this point I feel like all gender is drag to me.

Also on the other hand. I somehow feel guilty about being an FtMish person. The thing about oppression gets to me. That by expressing my masculinity (I think it's the most right description) on purpose, I'm somehow playing along with the patriarchy. By identifyig as a man / with men, or cutting my hair short, or anything like that. It gets me all the way, because I identified as a feminist for years, and feel the oppression of women thing very personally, and perhabs falsely through the lens of my own masculine-centric preferences. Guilt over being a man. Guilt that I am this savage, sex-obsessed, dirty, brutal person who lacks in the subtlety department. Guilt that I am doing harm to others. Or that instead of fighting patriarchy, I am participating in it by being rivalrous instead of cooperative. Or by expressing mascuinity. I mean, I fully respect feminine people, and my current point of view is what taught me that. I don't think someone who is different than I am is inferior in any way, but that's just it: a difference.

Think of it as an example of Zeno's Paradox of Place ( if everything that exists has a place, place too will have a place, and so on ad infinitum. ) So that whatever place you make for yourself, there will be no place like that place, so it must *be* the place.

What do you mean? What is the place?