I don't know if I might be asexual, and I am terrified.

[crispyleaf]

as it says in the title, I'm not sure where I stand. I've been researching about asexuality and the more I do so, the more nervous I get. don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with being asexual. I am just afraid of the consequences that come with it.

I've talked to my sister about it and she said, "well, you've never had sex before, so how do you know?" and "part of being in love with someone is sexual attraction. if you don't want to have sex with them, you don't really love them like that." I've had a few boyfriends, and I like cuddling and hand holding and maybe even kissing, but the thought of having sex with them is just... no. plus, I ended up breaking up with them because I find relationships very stressful.

and because I have low self esteem, I thought "well maybe it's because I'm too shy, I'll get over it," but then I thought that if I had the perfect body, and were beautiful, would I still want to have sex? still no. I also find it weird when I see people look at someone they find attractive on the street and say they want to have sex with them, it confuses me. I find people beautiful or handsome, but I don't look at them in a sexual way. more like a, "you're so gorgeous I want to hang you on my wall and just look at you" way. like art, you could say.

additionally, I do in fact masturbate, but it's never to imagining some "hot stud" sweeping me off my feet and ravishing me. usually, thinking that turns me off. it's usually imagining other people having sex, not me, and I don't do it frequently, just sometimes when I'm bored. if I think about someone touching me sexually, I feel uncomfortable and grossed out. it's not really sex in general that grosses me out, it's if someone has sex with me.

whenever I would think about dating someone, I immediately start thinking what would I do if they wanted sex, because I wouldn't want to do it. yes, I know it's judgemental to think everyone wants sex in a relationship, but where I live it is more common than not. tons of teens my age are extremely sexually active and I'm just... not.

I feel odd, out of place. I feel like if I told people I was asexual they would ridicule me and say, "it's just a phase! just try it, you'll like it!" but I don't want to try it. what if I get into a relationship I really like and they want to have sex, but I don't want to and they leave me? part of me is frustrated and thinks it's so unfair, because I didn't choose to feel like this.

I'm so scared because what if my parents thinks I'm weird? what if I end up alone? I've never seen any asexuals in my area. I've heard asexuals get treated badly by other communities and even get "corrective raped". I'm just stressing out about it so much, I'm at a loss.

[AceAnarcho]

Hey crispy, I know how you feel. I think that you're possibly Asexual but sex-repulsed.

You need to do some researches, and see how you really feel.

I have the same thing, like, Sex isn't something that I find "pleasurable", sex for me is just for pro-creation, but I don't see something that is enjoyable in it, so I'm indifferent about sex.

Here: https://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Repulsed

In this link, you can find more information.

[Andiamo]

Hello and welcome to AVEN!

It is possible to be romantically but not sexually attracted to people. I, too, would enjoy cuddling and holding hands with someone, possibly even kissing, but anything beyond that does not appeal to me in the slightest. I don't really mind other people talking about sex or showing interest in sex, as long as they don't apply anything sexual to me. I am sex-repulsed in relation to myself, but indifferent in relation to others. Regardless of what your orientation is, however, it is okay. You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you, and you don't have to be afraid. Realizing that you aren't what society expects you to be can be very scary, but every person is unique. No one actually fits into the all the expectations of society, and that's okay. Your fears are legitimate, but don't let them stop you from being yourself.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk or are looking for friends!

[Mychemicalqpr]

I'd say you're probably asexual. I relate to a lot of what you're describing. Worry that I wouldn't "love someone the right way" also made me scared at first to identify as asexual. Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are two different things. In most people they overlap, but they don't have to. Not experiencing sexual attraction does not mean that the romantic attraction is invalid or not real.

You are not required to try sex before you can say that you don't want it. Everyone always has the right to say no. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise or make you feel ashamed for it.

[Member106624]

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[McPhail]

Greetings person.

Thank you for telling us your story.

Firstly, it sounds like you're at the start of your journey. From my years of introspection and questioning, I can say for sure that understanding and accepting yourself doesn't happen overnight. You will live and discover more things about yourself. Understand that your fear and confusion right now won't last forever. It absolutely gets better.

Being asexual isn't any one set way. Some of us are sex-repulsed, others masturbate without a need for partners. That's normal.

Keep in mind that the asexuality umbrella includes a wide variety of aces, some may be demi or grey aces. That is they may experience sexual attraction in very specific and rare circumstances. That's alright. Please do ask questions, explore yourself and talk to other aces on these forums.

You don't need to think that simply because you identify as asexual there is no one out there for you. I've seen plenty of asexuals in relationships, both with other aces and sexuals. Don't you for a second think that what you have to offer is any way less worthy because there's no sex involved. You will discover that relationships are much more complex than 'doing the jigglies'. It matters for many people, but you will absolutely find plenty for whom your company, your personality matters much more.

But please, don't let your mind run forward to the worst case scenario. You can't know what the future will bring. :)

[Theresa]

My standard response to the inevitable questions were always "I'm not interested yet. Besides, there's plenty of time." Depending on your family, you can pull the "I'm waiting for marriage" card. But that could backfire into pressure to marriage, so never mind that idea. My favorite was that I wasn't willing to risk pregnancy -- I come from a fairly fertile family. Now that I'm middle aged, I just say that I'm territorial and haven't found anyone I want to share space with. Or that I'm happily single and not looking to change that.

Welcome to Aven. Nothing says you have to be open about your sexuality, only share as much as you are comfortable sharing. I've been lucky. The few people I've told have been mostly accepting. I'm not sure my closest friend believes it's possible, but she doesn't hassle me about it. My mom and one coworker that is also a friend have been very supportive. I hope you can find some emotional support -- if nothing else you are welcome here!

[if-indeed]

A lot of what you're saying is familiar to me as someone who is asexual. I totally get where you're coming from about feeling scared of being ace and the consequences of identifying as ace. I was (sometimes still am) worried about being left out, being lonely, being made fun of, being misunderstood or disbelieved even when I try to explain myself. It felt impossible to come out to anyone I knew in real life, and I felt so alone. It might not be much of a consolation right now, but it does get easier as you get used to the label and talk more with other aces. And I think more and more people are becoming aware of asexuality as an orientation, so there's often less explaining to do when I come out these days.

[Dragonheart]

Honestly, I can relate to a lot of what you said. I don't know much about your specific situation, but I can tell you this from previous experience with closets: it generally feels better to be out of them than in them. If you have a friend or some friends that you feel fairly sure would be supportive, talk to them about it first - even if you're not sure you want to identify as ace yet. They might be able to help you.

I also know that there's nothing wrong with not wanting sex. This world has kind of become a sex-driven society, in America at least, and it's hard for aces to make ourselves heard and understood sometimes because of how hypersexual a lot of people see the world at this point, but that doesn't mean we don't exist. And if we want to be understood, we have to speak up, for ourselves and for the people who can't come out of their closets. But that definitely doesn't mean that you have to explain your sexuality to anyone if you don't want to. I don't want to say that. But I think you'll be surprised how information about asexuality has spread recently, like if-indeed said.

Whether you choose to start identifying as ace or not, and whether you choose to come out publicly as ace or not, we'll be here to cheer you on and support you. You're never alone.