I think I'm heteromantic/asexual.

[tgif]

Hi! I'm 15 and a newbie here on AVEN. I'm at a point in my life where I'm starting to question my sexuality. I've always assumed I was straight because I wasn't attracted to other girls and I've had a few crushes on guys. The idea of sex, however, is quite repulsing, and I'm worried that people are just going to say it's because I'm too young (I mean, I've gone through puberty and all that... xD) I feel like crushes that I've had were just romantic crushes. I felt I was mainly attracted to guys I knew well and really liked for their personality (and not their looks as much). I also have felt my whole life like I didn't understand when girls would say guys were "hot" or "sexy" because I never viewed them that way, and I guess I thought some were nicer looking than others or even attractive but the idea of touching/kissing/sex with them makes me shudder. I've also only had maybe two big crushes in my life and they were both to people I thought were really funny and nice. So I guess what I'm saying is I have a preference when it comes to looks but the sexual stuff I just don't get.

I'm not asking you to put a definitive label on me but if you read this and think it sounds like I'm asexual then I'd like to know. Thanks :)

[mikeman7918]

That post would almost perfectly describe me if the genders were reversed. You definitely seem to be on the asexual spectrum, possibly fully asexual but you should also look into things in the asexual gray area like gray-asexual and demisexual just in case one of those describes you better. I for one started to notice my brother (who is just a year younger then me, and quite obviously heterosexual) and my peers becoming atracted to girls at age 12-13 and that's when I started to wonder why I didn't really care about that stuff, so I'd certainly say that you are old enough to be certain about your sexuality.

[tgif]

Thanks for replying! I don't know, I just get nervous that maybe I'm just a late-bloomer and I don't want to come out to anyone about it until I know for sure. Just reading different posts on AVEN made me almost completely confident than I'm asexual but then I think about how they're older than me and I start to doubt it. Ugh. I mean, how do you know? Am I just supposed to wait until I'm positive that I'm too old to not be experiencing sexual attraction?

[mikeman7918]

I actually thought the same thing at your age. I assumed that I must be a late bloomer or something but when I was 16 my brother (15 at the time) already had a girlfriend and I still didn't really care about dating. He got in trouble with our mom after he kissed her and he also cuddled with and hugged her, which confused me because I didn't see how that stuff could be pleasurable at all (although this probably has more to do with me being aromatic). My religion at the time (which I have since ditched) teaches that one must suppress their sexual desires before marriage, so after that I just assumed that I must just be doing a really good job at that or something. This year I finally ditched my religion so I could no longer use that excuse. I was 18 at the time (I'm 19 now) and that's when I started to question my sexuality.

I quickly ruled out being gay or bisexual because I'm not attracted to men. When I first came across asexuality I thought that it might describe me but at first I dismissed it because I do actually occasionally feel attracted to girls and I have had one actual crush in my life. Later I decided to look into asexuality more and I determined that it fit me because I have never had any desire to actually "get it on" with anyone. Eventually I discovered that gray-asexuality was a thing and I determined that it describes me even better, even though I could arguably still be considered asexual by some definitions.

If you are just a late bloomer then you are a really late bloomer. I have never heard of someone who experiences sexual attraction for the first time over age 12 or so, so at this point I'd say that you are somewhere on the asexual spectrum with a rather high level of certainty. Ultimately it is your choice how you label yourself, but that's my opinion.

[tgif]

Thank you so much for your help. I really think asexual/hetero-romantic describes me the best right now. I even came out to my sister last night and she just said "I knew it!" She had actually asked me randomly if I was ace a few years ago and I said no because I thought that meant I had to be aromantic.

After doing research on AVEN I feel a lot more comfortable with this label, and I even found a few more people whose situation is nearly identical to mine. I'm also suspecting my best friend might be ace, too. So I just want to say thanks for everything you said, because it really helped me. :)

[Aloki24601]

So glad that you are able to explore your sexuality and are figuring out who you are! :-) I would just say that it's okay for things to fluctuate and if you did happen to meet a person and you moved forward physically(at a comfortable pace) and things felt okay, or you liked it, you would still be on the ace spectrum...Perhaps demi or gray if it seems oddly intermittent.

I'm 31 and I thought asexual would be closing the door to the possibility of sex ever if I label myself as that. I've never been in a serious relationship, so I have always wondered if really liking someone would change things. After discovering the ace spectrum, I really felt more comfortable identifying as such, because with free spectrum there's flexibility for "late bloomer" potential lol.

Also, I know/knew plenty of women (because I didn't really talk to many men about this) who were not comfortable having sex until well into their twenties. It's a big step, for anyone. I hope you never feel pressured to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If someone really cares about you, they will respect your comfort level. If you are never comfortable beyond holding hands. That may not work for the other person, but that is something to communicate about, not for you to feel obligated to fill some kind of role.

I hope that's not confusing. My point is that if you identify as ace, that doesn't have to mean one thing you are sentenced to for the rest of your life. There is room to change grow, or to stay the same, and for me. That was a really comforting thought.

Do you sound ace? To me, yes. I think sexual people tend to physically feel a desire for sex, that you are not feeling. I don't think the bodily reaction is voluntary, although acting on it is. I'm not sure, as I haven't experienced that. I wouldn't have thought myself ace at,15 if I had heard of it then, but looking back I can see the signs well before that age. :)

Welcome!!! :cake:

[tgif]

Thanks for your nice reply! Researching about asexuality has been oddly comforting because I feel like it was a piece of me that was missing until now. And as you said, I'm open to change if I ever do feel comfortable with sex on any level as I get older, but right now I'm comfortable labeling myself this way and that is just nice to finally feel that. For a long time I didn't even know sexual attraction/desire was a thing- I thought it was just something that guys sometimes had. And I guess I also assumed that I would like kissing/sex once I tried it because of how it's portrayed in the media, but now thinking about it makes me realize how much it disgusts me. Getting educated really makes a difference! I don't think I had any signs before this that I never noticed until now but people would ask me if I had a crush and I'd usually say no, mostly because I was confused and had a romantic crush that confused me because I never found him particularly attractive I guess, but he was nice, funny, and smart. Despite that, I couldn't and still can't decide if I have a crush on him or not. Anyway, after I came out to my sister we talked a lot and I told her how I felt. Just talking to her made me confirm my asexuality even more because she's sexual and she told me about how she experiences sexual attraction and desire and it just confirmed that I've never felt that. She told me she has friends that are pretty-looking but she's not sexually attracted to them, and to me that was just weird because the personality and the aesthetic looks were basically my only factors in whether I had a crush or not. So this post has turned out to be really long but I just let some more feelings loose which was pretty cool. :)

[GillyWex]

I just wanted to say that your description o1f your asexuality completely matches me. Thank you so much for posting as it's really affirming to know other people feel the same way especially when I feel like doubting myself. Also congratulations on figuring it out early, took me far too long to realise I was ace!

[Wallflowerbaby13]

Welcome tgif! It sounds like you have found the right spot to be and I wish you luck with your self exploration. I am sorry to say that this is probably going to be a lifelong exploration and a quick definitive answer might not be found( as you can see from the varying ages on this site).I congratulate you on your self awareness and courage to start delving! It took me much longer to really question my sexuality(9 yrs? ). I guess I just assumed I was straight, and being the troll creature I am, didn't think anyone would truly like me and I had no idea what I was going to do if they did. First big clue should've been I never saw why it was such a big deal to wait on sex till one was older and less stupid. For the life of me I could not see the appeal of dating in school when it most likely wouldn't last long, and then you would have to deal with seeing that person all the time still! I also thought I had "crushes" but now I am not sure. It is that same kind of like I had in 3rd grade. I pick someone I deem good looking and then kind of fantasize if they like me (which they never would anyway) and that is it. So I don't believe I am romantic either. I think I might just be mistaking it for aesthetic attraction, and also the myth of finding "the one". Anywhoo try not to sweat it too much and we are all here for you!