travelsketches Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 (female-22-average looking) I have what some may call an extraordinarily high libido.I love sex and want to have it with many partners, regardless of romantic attraction. I've been to swinger and bdsm parties and have enjoyed sex with strangers. When I tell this to people, they say 'then you must be having sex all the time'. The issue is, no. I rarely have any sex at all. Most my nights I am tossing and turning in my bed feeling horny. Even though I enjoy masturbation, it only makes me feel more frustrated, as I need another human body there. Months go by without me having any sex. People who seem to have a average libido (who don't talk about sex all the time, which I do) are always really surprised when I tell them this. 'You could just go to a bar or a club and do it!'. The thing is: I am grossed out by 99% of people. When I do find someone I am attracted to, although I still care about knowing their personality a bit, I also just want to have sex with them. It is extremely rare though, and lots of times I pay money to go to a sex party, walk around and can't find anyone I'd want to have sex with. Even within relationships,after a few months I start finding the person I'm with gross and can no longer have sex with them. I lose all libido, and feel and act asexual. Is this a form of demisexuality? Hypersexual demisexuality? Does anyone have any suggestions to solving my frustration? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Demisexuality is desiring sex after an emotional bond that takes an unusual amount of time to form. You sound the opposite; Fraysexual; where sexual desire fades away every time; which is under the Gray-sexual umbrella (which you can use if you wish to identify as something simpler). Rarely finding someone you'd be willing to have sex with is also not under the Gray umbrella, it's just personal preferences not being met. How often do you want sex in a relationship? Once or twice a day? Because that'd be hypersexual and anything less would be normal. Also, since you don't mention romantic feelings, if you are aromantic, then that may explain why your sexual feelings die out; unreciprocation can do that. So maybe you're not fraysexual but just need to be with another aromantic sexual person. Or do you actually desire a romantic relationship? Because if you do; even if you don't feel romantically, then that wouldn't be aromantic. If you desire a lasting relationship then you may desire a romantic relationship that's mutually void of romantic feelings, which would be under Gray-romantic. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 No, it's not. That's just indicative of sexuality with high standards. Link to post Share on other sites
Kilala25 Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 You may also be lithsexual, which is having sexual attraction but not wanting to have it reciprocated. Lithsexuals often experience a lessening of attraction if feelings are reciprocated, or if enough time passes. It may help to think about what triggers your attraction, and at what point it goes away. There are so many labels out there, that doesn't mean there is one that may fit your perfectly, as labels will still have a range of interpretations and meanings to the people who use it. The best thing is to know how your personal sexuality works, and what you need to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
travelsketches Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 So I've been going through definitions and re-thinking this... Perhaps it's just sapiosexuality? I feel completed unattracted to people unless they appear to be intelligent; I lose my sexual attraction to romantic partners once they start saying things that make them appear unintelligent. Is there a difference between sapiosexuality and high standards? Does high standards correlate with complete lack of sexual attraction, even disgust at the thought of sex, with people low in the standards? Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Sorry but the whole sapio thing is pretty offensive. Of course intelligence is attractive - it goes without saying. Doesn't need a label. Don't forget that sexuality itself is quite variable. You have a high sex drive, you just can't find anyone that it becomes directed towards. There are loads of people like that. There's one sitting behind me at work, right now in fact. Absolutely no one floats her boat for years at a time but she's constantly banging on about how much she misses sex. She needs to get to know people a bit, and dumb people are a turn off. There's nothing wrong with being an average sexual person. Link to post Share on other sites
travelsketches Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 I don't think it's average though, because when I describe this to people who identify heteronormative, they find this very strange... There's the general perception that a girl can just go to a nightclub and bang someone if she needs to scratch the itch, and if she doesn't it's because she either has a moral problem against it, or is only interested in romantic relationships. If demisexuality is a thing (only being attracted to someone sexually if also romantically), why not sapiosexuality? How are the two conceptually different? Both require the object of desire to be a certain type of person compatible with one's personality in order to be desired. Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 This isn't demisexuality's definition. Demisexuality is basically finding only people you know very well (generally close friends) attractive / desirable. As a result, the trigger for desire happens very late. Many months or even years after having met the person for the first time. Demisexuals can be demiromantic as well (same thing but with crushes instead) so romantic attraction doesn't have to be there. Link to post Share on other sites
travelsketches Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 Only being attracted to people you know very well; only being attracted to people you perceive as intelligent; can't the two intersect pretty easily? In any case, it still means: only being attracted to certain kinds of people? Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Yes. But the former is more common than the later. "Sapio" is kind of the norm. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Lithsexual and Fraysexual overlap but they aren't exactly the same, so that's why i suggested the latter rather than the former. But if you just have sensitive turn-offs then that's neither. So I've been going through definitions and re-thinking this... Perhaps it's just sapiosexuality? I feel completed unattracted to people unless they appear to be intelligent; I lose my sexual attraction to romantic partners once they start saying things that make them appear unintelligent. Is there a difference between sapiosexuality and high standards? Does high standards correlate with complete lack of sexual attraction, even disgust at the thought of sex, with people low in the standards? Sapiosexuality isn't a sexuality, it's just a preference. Just like people preferring masculine men isn't a different sexuality than just desiring men. High standards are a choice; losing attraction is not, so no, they're not the same, you just have sensitive turn-offs and turn-on's. If demisexuality is a thing (only being attracted to someone sexually if also romantically), why not sapiosexuality? How are the two conceptually different? Both require the object of desire to be a certain type of person compatible with one's personality in order to be desired. Because Demisexuality/Gray-sexuality is desiring sex at an unusual point in time and having a preference for a specific type of person is not. Only being attracted to 'metrosexual' men and having a hard time finding them doesn't mean someone is a different sexuality, it just means their type is hard to find. It may not be the average experience but it still means you're completely sexual. If you don't require a bond that takes an unusual amount of time in order to desire sex then that's not demisexual. If someone rarely desires sex with anyone or desires it under certain circumstances then that can be a type of Gray-sexual, but I'm pretty sure they didn't consider your case when wording it and mean the person otherwise does not desire sex. But you certainly wouldn't fall under Gray-asexual because that's for borderline asexuals and you desire sex most of the time but can't find a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpy Alien Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 No, it's not. That's just indicative of sexuality with high standards. Yeah sounds like sexual and picky. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Sapiosexuality isn't a sexuality, it's just a preference. Just like people preferring masculine men isn't a different sexuality than just desiring men. High standards are a choice; losing attraction is not, so no, they're not the same, you just have sensitive turn-offs and turn-on's. SapiosexuaIity just means sexuaIIy attracted to inteIIigence (which I think is quite common) ..What's wrong with the OP identifying as say, sapiosexuaI hypersexuaI if they think that fits them? Link to post Share on other sites
WhenSummersGone Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Ya I'm Demisexual and that's not my experience. Having no sexual desire is different from having one and only finding intelligent people attractive. To me nothing makes a difference unless I know them and become sexually interested in them. I understand the high libido part as I have a high one myself, but that just means I desire to masturbate more not have partnered sex more. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Sorry but the whole sapio thing is pretty offensive. Of course intelligence is attractive - it goes without saying. Doesn't need a label. There is a difference between finding intelligence attractive (pretty universal) and literally not being able to experience attraction until it is evident to you that someone is intelligent (not as universal). Sapio- describes the latter. Likewise, there is a difference between getting the hots for people close to you (again, pretty commonplace), and not ever feeling even remotely drawn toward people that aren't already close to you (not as commonplace). Demi- describes the latter. Both of these things are valid things. I don't think it makes them orientations (they do not specify sex/gender preference) but they are still things. I'm not sure how valid either of them are in the OP's case, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Kilala25 Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 If you find that you are only attracted to intelligent people and lose all or even most of you attraction to then when they appear to not be intelligent, then go ahead and identify as sapiosexual. While it is important to understand what a label means and what kind of people use it, nothing is ever going to be perfect or entirely representative of the group. Case and point; I'm a demisexual, and I fell in love with and was sexually attracted to a man I met last year after knowing him for three months. Just because it didn't take forever to feel attracted to him does that make me less demisexual? No. Sexuality is complex and can be hard to figure out. There are so many different parts and aspects and nuances to navigate that it can take a while to figure it all out. It sounds like you undoubtedly have a high sex drive, but rarely experience sexual attraction except under certain conditions. If sapiosexual meets those conditions, then I don't think there is anything wrong with identifying with it. I personally also adorned that label for a while until I found out about demisexuality. Which brings me to my last point; it's ok to change labels. You may learn something about yourself in a few years you don't know now. And while others can help you to a certain extent, this is mainly a journey of self discovery, and only you can find the true answers. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Identifying as sapiosexual by itself implies pan/bisexuality though, so if the OP has gender preferences they'd need to use two terms; e.g. hetero-sapiosexual. Or just Gray-heterosexual. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 After thinking longer on it i still don't see Sapiosexual under Gray-sexuality. Also, no definition of the term refers to how its being used here (not even dictionaries); it's always defined as just attraction to intelligence and nothing more. But i do understand the usefulness of it strictly under this non-popularized definition. But as said it's still just having a type. Alot of people are into being needed in a relationship, or into fixing their partner, or into bad boys/girls, but once that's gone they lose interest. It's all about their type and nothing's Gray about them. If someones into macho men and gets turned off when they turn out to be sensitive or feminine in some way then they just have a specific type that when exposed otherwise makes them lose interest. And the other types of Gray aren't fetishes and are not partner 'type' related. Demisexuals don't have a fetish for emotional bonds, its just what triggers their desire. Emotional bond is not a partner personality type. In fact every type of Gray is self reliant and not partner reliant; where as the reverse for Sapio. Everyone can desire sex under certain circumstances, but everyone isn't Gray-sexual; thats the whole point of the term. Getting to know someone and finding out they weren't who you thought, even if its frequent, is not Gray. And all that can be done about this sensitive turn off in a relationship is just warn partners prior. Link to post Share on other sites
Naathys Posted April 4, 2018 Share Posted April 4, 2018 I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm demisexual (that was enlightening) and I discovered this board during my research. I felt the need to comment. I don't disagree with the notion of sapiosexuality perhaps not being a sexual orientation per se, but as far as it goes for me, it seems to be necessary in creating the bond. I've always found intelligence attractive, but it's within certain confines, but I've found that the people that I've been able to bond with to a point of developing a sexual attraction have all had that characteristic. It's probably in part that I don't necessarily have a ton of patience for people who don't catch my interest, and for me that requires passion and intelligence (or at least my interpretation of it). When I look back at my crushes (loose term, it's usually a fascination and a feeling of really wanting to get to know this person) it's always been people that I felt I could learn something from. Just my two cents I guess Link to post Share on other sites
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