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Sensually frustrated?


if-indeed

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Being unable to act on sensual attraction feels awful for me. By which I mean, when I can't touch someone I'm sensually attracted to, I get incredibly frustrated, both physically and/or emotionally. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Sometimes it gets physically uncomfortable when I'm experiencing sensual attraction I can't act on. And it's specifically sensual attraction, and not sexual--I don't want to sleep with these people, I just want to have physical contact with them. I'd never touch someone who didn't want me to, I've been in situations like that and I respect the other person, but it still sucks and feels terrible. I'm sure it sounds really weird to people who haven't experienced it, but it's a thing that happens to me. (If this is anything like what sexual frustration feels like, yikes! I'm glad I don't have to deal with that.)

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I know not sexually, but in what way do you want to touch them? Cuddle?

And it does sound similar to sexual frustration. I haven't heard of anyone talk about sensual attraction that way; we get disappointed when we can't have it but not frustrated.

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I know not sexually, but in what way do you want to touch them? Cuddle?

And it does sound similar to sexual frustration. I haven't heard of anyone talk about sensual attraction that way. We get disappointed when we can't have it but not frustrated.

Yeah, cuddling, or sometimes even just touching their skin anywhere, their arm or their hand or their cheek or anything. Maybe kissing. It really depends on the person, it could be more vague or more specific. It's hard to describe. But it's specifically not sexual touch.

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So this topic hasn't been brought up yet? I'm surprised, honestly. I thought something like this would be a somewhat normal occurrence.

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If you mean lip/mouth kissing and not chaste kissing, then that's romantic sensual attraction, especially the caressing (which can be done platonically but typically isn't used in that way), which isn't aromantic. If you want a lasting relationship (committed or not) with that person that involves that then it's a romantic relationship, even if you want it to mutually be void of romantic feelings, which would be under Gray-romantic. Also, romantic attraction and romantic relationships vary widely by person, so maybe you don't desire a typical relationship/feel romantic attraction in a typical way, but it would still be a romantic relationship.

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@LonelyGuardian, it's good to hear that someone else experiences this. It's so hard to explain.

@Star Bit, I don't see why kissing can't be exclusively sensual. The idea that kissing has to be romantic is super amatonormative :/ I've kissed plenty of people that I never wanted a relationship with. There are even non-ace people who have makeout buddies that they don't want to sleep with or date.

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Because making out is not platonic; in any culture; literally. Again, if a lasting relationship with that quality is desired then it's a romantic relationship; FWB, casual relationship, uncommitted relationship, committed relationship, but not a QPR. There is the term Belusromantic, which is again, a type of Gray-romantic, which desires romantic things but not exactly what they label a romantic relationship (which widely vary so they probably do desire an atypical romantic relationship and don't realize it).

Look at it from its sexual equivalent. Sexual people who only want one night stands aren't asexual. Not everyone's romantic-sensual orientation and romantic/sexual orientations match up; there are people who desire to make out outside of their romantic/sexual orientations, but as long as they don't actually desire a lasting relationship with that feature then it isn't exactly a romantic relationship but still a romantic action; more like a romantic one night stand. These people could more accurately be called bisensual, but I've only seen it used on people who want cuddle partners because there's no other term for them to use, so things would clash. Philema is the prefix they use on the phobia/philia for kissing, so biphilema could work (and i haven't heard of any other romantic sensual desires not matching up so it's really more accurate). The same goes for having one platonic interaction with someone; it doesn't mean you have a platonic relationship with that person (whether they're a romantic/sexual partner or an acquaintance). But sex is clear cut; you either had it or you didn't. The romantic spectrum is more complicated because it's a big thing made up of many components, but there are things that are not platonic and thus only romantic or sexual. I even did a poll on it; "if an aromantic desires to make out are they aromantic or gray?" And the answer was mixed. If you don't desire a lasting relationship (that's committed or not) then that would be more Gray-aromantic because they're one night stands. As said, if it's desired to last then it'd be Gray-romantic.

Romantic is a type of relationship not just a feeling. And really the whole misconception that romantic relationships require romantic attraction comes from the word's origin and what it ended up getting associated with (link and longer link) and has only been around for 266 years. Before its existence people called things as they were; if you were doing non-platonic things with someone you were in a relationship (committed or not). Most people agree that FWB is synonymous with casual relationship (though not synonymous with casual dating). But both of those relationships factually cannot be committed. If they are then they're a "full" relationship. In my research on the terms i rarely ever saw anyone refer to the differences with romantic feelings; they were always actions. Just like having a crush on a friend does not make your relationship with them nolonger platonic, even if the crush is mutual but you're not dating; feelings don't make relationship types, actions typically do. One or both people have sexual attraction toward eachother, but they aren't having sex? Well then they're not in a sexual relationship. People in arranged marriages (who typically don't feel romantically about eachother) aren't FWBs, they're in a romantic relationship.

Maybe to understand it you need to remove the word romantic from your vocabulary as a whole and just use the word relationship. If it's uncommitted it's called a casual relationship, if it's committed it's just called a relationship. And aromantic asexuals only desire platonic relationships. Platonic is defined as non-sexual and non-romantic. As said, caressing and making out are not platonic. Separating things like this isn't normative, it's fact among cultures, especially when no culture has something as platonic. So while what is platonic and romantic and sexual can be cultural it still has its purposes; what is and isn't done with friends and what is done with partners. In some cultures chaste lip kisses are acceptable, but in the U.S. (unless they're family or very young) that'd be looked at as a romantic relationship, especially if the two were already queerplatonic. In Japan hugging is seen as a romantic thing, so i can bet if someone there knew you had a cuddle buddy they'd insist you were in a romantic relationship, and the list goes on and on.

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scarletlatitude

I do get what you mean. I would like the sensual attention without the sexual part, but most people can't separate the two. :(

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@Star Bit, it's kinda rude to get that pedantic on somebody's vent post. I'm not here to discuss whether or not I "count" as aro. I just wanted to know if anyone else experienced this, and clearly other people do.

@scarletlatitude, thanks for replying. I totally agree--I wish more people understood sensual attraction as separate from sexual. It's so hard to explain to somebody what you want without them having a concept for that kind of desire.

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