I Need Some Insight About My Situation...Please!

[PocketBac]

(This is going to be a long post. You've been warned!)

(Seriously. War and Peace would read faster than this.)

Okay, the basics. I'm a 22 year-old straight woman, been in like five 'relationships', only two of which have gotten to the sex level, and I'm having kind of a crisis of self at the moment.

I've definitely been in love before, so that classifies me as "romantic" (I think...I'm still learning all the terms), but those feelings have always been unrequited. I tend to feel connected to a lot of people that I meet, but it's almost always platonic, as in, 'I'd really like to hang out with them', but when I do fall for someone, I fall hard. I've been told by more than one therapist that I have OCD tendencies, specifically the ones that deal with thought patterns and, well, obsession. I've also been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. I'm good with people (I worked customer service and loved it), but I still get uncomfortable in a lot of social situations, so I tend to avoid being around people as much as I reasonably can.

My limit for physical intimacy is hugging, hand-holding, cuddling and Netflix, and like five seconds max of no-tongue kissing. I don't want to have sex, I have no desire to have sex, but I do have the need for companionship that is closer and more 'romantic' than just a platonic friend situation.

I've had four boyfriends, two of which I had sex with. Now, each time I had sex, it was purely because I knew they wanted it, not because I wanted it, or was even interested in it. It wasn't forced, it was totally consensual, but I didn't initiate it, and I didn't feel anything emotionally (or physically, for that matter). I was pretty much just there. And every time, I came away from it feeling absolutely ashamed of myself, like I was dirty and used. I tried not to think about it, but it would creep into my stream of consciousness, and I would literally stop what I was doing and physically shake my head to get rid of the thought because it was a horrid feeling and I hated myself for doing it. It's not a religious or moral thing, I just feel gross and I hate myself for weeks.

Sex as a concept has always be disgusting to me - I always skip sex scenes in shows or movies (I'm looking at you, Game of Thrones), I don't like people talking about anything sexual (I turn red as a beet when they do because it makes me so uncomfortable), and I don't like any kind of nudity in art, either. Sex as a whole is just a no-go zone for me.

My current boyfriend has stirred up this whole storm again (I was single for a long time between my last boyfriend and this one). We'll make out, and I am totally checked out from the whole thing. He tries the tongue kissing thing, and it's awful and I hate it (gagging a bit writing about it) - I hate it all while it's happening, and I end it as soon as I possibly can, and after I get back to my house, I just feel gross and ashamed and they just don't make water hot enough to scrub off the ick.

Yes, I have a problem with saying 'no', now that I think about it, but the core of the issue is that I don't want any of it in the first place. It's kind of like when you're at someone's house, and they make dinner, and it's something you don't really like, but you eat it anyway just to be polite - it won't kill you, it's not pleasant, but you'll live...just with a really, really gross aftertaste.

So, I've done a good deal of internet-traversing about what this all could mean, and I came upon the term 'demisexual'. It sounded like it fit the bill at first, but from my understanding, demisexual means you only feel sexual attraction when you make a deep, emotional connection with someone. For me, I'm only romantically attracted to someone if there's an emotional connection, but it never goes into the sexual attraction. At all. Ever. I'd heard the term 'asexual' before, but I was under the impression that it meant having absolutely no sexual feelings whatsoever. I do have sexual feelings, but they're more physical. I do masturbate (oh dear god, did I just type that?), but it's never had anything to do with actual people or anything like that. It's just me responding to fun, involuntary brain chemistry. So I got confused. But I found you lovely folks and got my confusion all cleared up, and, as it turns out, asexual fits me a lot snugger than demisexual.

(Good on you for making it this far without running screaming into the night!)

My question in all of this is, what do you folks think? I'm about 96% sure that I can safely and accurately identify myself as asexual now, but I'd like some opinions if anyone has anything to say. I know you guys can't technically 'label' me one way or another, but I really need a second (or third, or fourteenth...) opinion on this whole situation.

Thoughts, suggestions, etc are super needed and appreciated!

(End of post, I promise.)

[lazypanda]

Hi,fellow female-with-OCD here !!!! I think your 100% asexual !!! Asexuals can have sexual feelings(just not involving another person),they do masturbate,they may even enjoy masturbating . Asexuals just don't feel sexual attraction to another real person(fantasizing about celebrities doesn't count). You fit the bill perfectly.Your definitely asexual.

And please learn to say "no'. If you don't say no,pretty soon,people will start treating you like a doormat. It's your life,your body,you have every right to say "no". Maybe you should just let people know your asexual before you start going out with them . That way,they have a choice and if they do date you,they won't do things that you're not comfortable with.

Ohh,and welcome to AVEN !!! Have some cake !!!

[Crylliac's Backup]

Well, it's good to know I can knock out War and Peace in under half an hour. I'll keep that little nugget of information to myself. That'll come in handy for some lit classes :P

You're completely right; the only person who can label you is yourself. With that said though, I think my experiences mimic yours pretty closely(Not overly fond of people close to people for too long, tend to just go along with what my partner wants in a relationship, ect ect), and I think of myself as an Asexual on the Aromatic spectrum. As is pointed out in other forum topics , you can be a sex positive Ace, or still enjoy sex/masturbation (God, that really is hard to type >.<). The main thing is you don't feel sexually attracted to people. Is like you said, it'll be a purely physical reaction to stuff.

I, personally, would call you an Asexual. You might wanna check out some of the Aromatic stuff aswell. Might help you out with some of those questions you have.

I hope you feel a bit better after getting that off your chest! I remember how hard it was for me when I joined up >.< Welcome to Aven! We are a pretty cool bunch o' peeps here :P Hope you learn a bunch while you're here, and hopefully make some awesome friends along the way ^_^

[Bael]

Welcome to Aven ! :)

In the end your label is up to you, but asexual sounds like I good fit from what you've written. :)

Also, you should never feel like you need to do anything intimate that you feel even slightly uncomfortable with for the sake of someone else, and if you feel pressured by a partner to do something, consider it a red flag. I'm sorry you went though such terrible experiences, I hope that in any future relationships you can feel safe and comfortable and understood.

[edit- this got cut off the first time :d]

Thanks for sharing! I look forward to seeing you in the forums soon ^_^

[NinetyFive]

All things considered, you were actually fairly concise in your post! You just had a lot to say. o/

Well, what I think is that you sound pretty darn ace to me. You sound an awful lot like me, though I never made it to the sex stage in a relationship, probably in part because I had no desire. You don't feel sexual attraction to others, I can gather from your post.

About masturbation...well, some ace people masturbate and some don't. I compare it to eating a brownie...if there's brownies around, sure you can have one. Masturbation is like a brownie you can always eat. There doesn't HAVE to be a larger purpose to it, it really is just a form self pleasure. I masturbate to make my body tired and go to sleep faster, lol.

I think you can safely call yourself ace if that would bring you some peace. It did for me. :cake: :cake:

[MiniVegan]

Hello fellow Canadian!

Your description of having no desire for sex sounds like you've pretty much figured out you're ace. Now, to accept it! And then, you may want to discuss it with your boyfriend.

Also, it's time to start feeling comfortable with 'no.' You never feel like you have to endure something you dislike just to make someone else happy. Especially when it comes to physical intimacy.

[RedFlyingWolf]

Hi there,

From what it sounds like I'd say you were ace, again, can't label you but it sounds like a match. I have pretty much the same feelings, no tongue or any sex (I've never actually gotten there, I tend to freak out too quickly). Masturbation is perfectly normal (I do it too, as do many other aces), what defines asexual is that in general, we aren't sexually interested in people (with exceptions like grey or demisexual), we still have libidos as that is a natural bodily function although the extents do change.

I have the same problems with no, I'll accept what I find uncomfortable to a point (There are sexual acts that I just cannot accept and I will leap from the bed and pretty much throw the poor guy out... I have a bit of a sex revulsion) so it's something that needs to be worked on. Being able to stand up for yourself is important, I can't really go on too long about that because I too have similar problems with saying no.

I wish you the best, maybe try talking to your boyfriend and explain how you feel. Trust me it will be hard but better that than feeling the way you said you do.

[PocketBac]

Holy jeez! Woke up this morning with a lot of cake...and now the desire for (actual) brownies...mmm...

Anyway, thanks for all the positive responses, everyone. I'm really glad I joined, because now I have some perspective and some validity to my feelings instead of feeling like 'that weird prude girl'.

I know x1,000 that I need to get better at saying no (my therapist calls it the 'personal no') to people, in every aspect of my life, including sexual things. I've always hated conflict and tried to avoid it, and so I've developed the habit of just agreeing with people and going along with things because, for me, it's easier and less stressful that actually saying no. Which sounds SO stupid as I'm typing it out, and it does get me into trouble more often than not, but changing it is much easier said than done.

I'll have to mull it all over for a bit, but it feels really good to finally have a name for how I am and how I feel. It's also really comforting to know that I have a support system already in place. I know my parents won't really care as long as I'm happy, and my brother (who is like my best friend) won't care, but a few others in my family might get weird about it. I don't really care if they don't get it, because it's who I am and it's obviously not going to change, but again, there's that conflict that I do so loathe.

Oh, that reminds me of something I forgot to add in my original post. Provided that I find someone to be with that's accepting and understanding of my asexuality (totally owning that I'm ace now!), I actually do want to have children. Does that change the 'label' any? I mean, having children isn't 'technically' part of sexuality, I guess, but it's definitely related to it. There are ways to conceive other than actual sex, I know this, but I'm not sure if affects the overall, for lack of a better word, 'diagnosis'.

Anyway, thank you all so friggin' much for the kind words of support and the help with all this. I feel indescribably good about all of this right now because it's finally got a name, this thing I've been struggling with. I'm so grateful to all of you! <3

[PocketBac]

Also!

I just ran across the 'List of Romantic Orientations' thread by Amy Ghost (http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/119238-a-list-of-romantic-orientations/), and I was pleased to find a few things that sounded like me, and I wanted to see what you guys thought.

Based on this list, I'd consider myself to be Alloromantic, specifically Demiromantic and Sapioromantic.

I have 'squishes' (still getting used to all the terms!), but only for/on guys that I make an emotional connection with. In hindsight, all of my squishes (not my relationships, oddly enough), have been guys that are more intelligent than me. So, if they're smart, it's more likely I'll start to like them, but I also have to form a deeper emotional connection, too, before I could consider them a squish.

This is all really confusing for me. I can see a guy in a coffee shop and think, 'he's kind of cute', but that's as far as it goes. If I meet a guy in my more personal life, like a friend of a friend I see on a semi-regular basis, or someone at work, I can develop a squish over a longer period of time as I get to know them better.

If I do develop a squish, I want to spend time with them, and talk to them about anything and everything. I want to be near them, hugs would be great, and cuddling is something that I'd want to do, but that's as far as my desires go. Yeah, I could kiss them goodbye or when we first meet for the day, but just a chaste peck on the lips, nothing more. I guess I crave the 'tame' end of physical contact, but more the companionship and intellectual connection. I can honestly imagine myself getting and being married, but there not being any real sexual intimacy - sleeping/cuddling in the same bed and the aforementioned kissing being the absolute limit.

As always, I'm eager to hear your thoughts!

[Crylliac's Backup]

Oh, that reminds me of something I forgot to add in my original post. Provided that I find someone to be with that's accepting and understanding of my asexuality (totally owning that I'm ace now!), I actually do want to have children. Does that change the 'label' any? I mean, having children isn't 'technically' part of sexuality, I guess, but it's definitely related to it. There are ways to conceive other than actual sex, I know this, but I'm not sure if affects the overall, for lack of a better word, 'diagnosis'.

Nah, that won't affect it at all. Wanting kids isn't a sexual thing, it's a familiar... Err, a family thing. Aceness is just about Sexual Attraction, not anything else to do with sex. I want kids myself, actually, and I still fit snugly into Aceness :P

[UncommonNonsense]

Welcome aboard, fellow Kanuk! I'm in Ontario.

I'm asexual and aromantic. I don't feel romantically attracted to anyone, and I suspect that this has saved me at least a bit of heartache. I do sympathize with romantic aces though... even I have fears about being alone once my immediate and extended family pass away and I would *love* to have a close, platonic companion with whom I can share my life into my later years, and it sometimes makes me sad to know that this is very unlikely to happen. I am very capable of love - maybe even intensely so - but I can't do sexual relationships at all, and I don't get the giddy, euphoric rush of romantic love at all. Platonic but intensely close is all I can give, and I often feel like for most people - even other aces - that isn't enough. It hurts to feel like you're inadequate, especially where love is concerned. It hurts to know that the kind of affection/intimacy you can give isn't the kind that is wanted. I can only liken it to being a plus-sized female-bodied person in a society that trashes and ridicules fat people at every opportunity and refuses to consider people who don't look like centrefold models as romantic partners. It's the same kind of hurt.

Even though we're not the same kind of ace, I do understand. Welcome again, and have some cake! :cake:

[PocketBac]

So much cake! I've accumulated enough to last me through the apocalypse ^_^

In the past two days, I've noticed that I'm feeling a lot better. My overall mood is better, and my outlook on my future is a lot brighter. I feel more confident about who I am because I finally know why I feel (or don't feel) the way I always have.

I'm having a bit of an internal tussle with myself over my boyfriend, though. He's made it very clear how he feels about sex, and I honestly don't believe he'd give it up. If he said he could, I wouldn't believe him. It feels kind of callous of me to just up and dump him, because it's really not him that is the issue, but his pushiness for physical intimacy is unacceptable to me (and always was, but now I feel more empowered in my own asexuality and so it's definitely unacceptable). Before I figured myself out, I'd been struggling with the feeling of not wanting to be with anyone at all right now, and just focus on me. That's really been solidified now, so I'm leaning towards breaking up with him. I know that it's absolutely my choice and my right to do that, but, as we've established, I have a bit of a problem with saying no...including saying, 'no, I don't want to be with you anymore'. I hate to hurt his feelings, because he's been really good to me, but that doesn't exonerate him from everything negative he's done.

I see my therapist sometime next week, and she always helps me see what's in my best interest and ways to go about things that I might not have thought of, so I'm going to keep thinking on it until then, and make a decision after I see her.