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Do I love my best friend or...?


rose~

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Hi all. I've been a lurker here for a while now, but something has been bothering me recently, and I didn't know where else to turn for advice, so here I am!

I guess I'll start with some background here. I am ace, female, and I've always thought of myself as heteroromantic. Every little "school crush" (if you could even call it that, lol) I ever had was on one of my close guy friends, or a male celebrity or the like. Never once have I ever found myself romantically attracted even in the slightest to another woman/girl. Due to my awkwardness towards relationships and socially anxious nature, I never, to this day at 19 years old, have actually dated anyone or delved into any kind of relationship like that. I have always wanted to, but figured the time will come when it comes, most likely later on down the road during college (which I'm now beginning). In my dreams of having a future romantic relationship with someone, the other person is always a man. That's just always how it's been. It's still that way, however, due to certain recent events in my life, I'm starting to become very confused.

You see, I have this wonderful, amazing female best friend. We've been friends since the 7th grade, and in recent years our friendship has only gotten closer and closer. We know everything about each other, and we're always hanging out. We have pretty much everything such as interests and hobbies in common, and hang out in the same friend circle. All of this was just great, until the beginning of this summer, not long after graduating high school. See, I had already began to get hints that she was into me, but I thought I had to be wrong, and I thought I'd rather not know to just keep things between us the way they were. But, she confessed to me, telling me everything I had been suspecting. She is pansexual and panromantic, and, knowing I'm ace, she made it very clear that she means no intentions of acting upon her feelings or making me uncomfortable, and that she was only telling me so that she could get it off of her chest and stop feeling awkward about it. I was glad she told me, and assured her her friendship meant a lot to me and that her confession wouldn't change that.

But now, things are taking a confusing turn. She's off to her own college endeavors which started just recently, and the night before her first day, she texted me with all of her fears, mostly about how she's scared to put herself out there and meet new people, namely potential dates, because she's afraid to meet the person for whom she feels okay putting aside her feelings for me. Ever since then, I've taken note that I feel strange as well. It got me thinking, "how would I feel if she got a boy/girlfriend? it shouldn't effect me, right?". I don't know the answers. I can almost see myself being "jealous" of seeing her giving all of her attention to someone else, and that confuses me. I don't know if I'm just being selfish or what. Sometimes, when we're hanging out, we'll lounge around watching T.V. or something, and we'll lean on each other's shoulders or what have you, and I actually kind of like it. I don't know if it's just because I desire intimacy or what, but sometimes I think I would like it if she were to snuggle up to me or hold my hand or something of the like. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I'm just so hopelessly confused. I think my being ace is part of my confusion, due to the fact that since I experience no primary attraction to people like that, I can't tell if I like someone in that way or not because I'm still unsure of what exactly romantic attraction feels like. All I know is that I want to be close to her whenever she's around, but it also makes me feel a tad bit awkward because I've never been completely comfortable with intimacy due to my shyness (though I crave it... I don't know haha, it's weird).

It's made me think things like, "am I maybe panromantic? biromantic? or is this just a strong friendship coupled with my desire for intimacy with someone close to me?" I really don't know. I don't feel the desire to be with any other female, and I can't really picture myself in a romantic relationship with another female, either, but somehow when it comes to her... I feel like I don't mind the idea all that much? Like, sometimes I think about the future, and I think, "I don't want us to ever drift apart... I want to stay by her side forever, she's the best friend I've ever had, but how do I do that? What if that ends up being someone else's life?" and it makes me kind of sad. Ugh, I really don't know what this is. I don't ever want to jeopardize our friendship, but I also don't wanna look back years later on this and think, "why didn't I do anything?", you know?

TLDR: sorry this was so long, haha, I just had a LOT I needed to get off my chest. Basically, I don't know if what I'm feeling is "romantic attraction" or a "strong friendship" of sorts and I could really use some advice. Thank you :)

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FerlynnGoldbeard

One of my friends and I graduated from high school early. With nothing better to do (since college hadn't begun yet) we spent a lot of time together as friends. I don't really know when I started developing romantic feelings for him, whether it was before we graduated or after, if there was any key moment that pushed me over the edge. One day, I had the urge to kiss him, but held back anyway. It wasn't until he admitted that he liked me that I said anything about it. I didn't want to ruin the friendship that we had, but I wanted to see if it could be more. We had the awkward first kiss and went out on date. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it wasn't as it was when we were just friends. Something had changed, and after two days of not speaking to one another, we agreed that it shouldn't happen and we went back to being friends like we were. It took about a month before we were as comfortable with each other as we were before the kiss.

She seems pretty open to you and indeed a very good friend. I think the direct route would be the best here. Be honest. You don't need to go 100% right away. Explain that your confused and have been thinking about her. Explain your fears and hopes. She's your best friend, and you're both going to be in college. I'm sure you're both mature enough to adult your way through it. If it doesn't work, then I don't see a reason that you can become "just friends" again over time.

Something important to remember is that people change. It's okay for your sexuality and feelings to develop and change over time. Who you are today doesn't equal who you are tomorrow. It's just the starting point of who you become. :)

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The simple answer is that romantic or sexual attraction are not necessary to love someone deeply enough to want them to be your life partner. I have been in a relationship with someone who doesn't experience romantic or sexual attraction for me for 2 years now, and our relationship / friendship has only grown stronger over time.

It's up to her whether her platonic feelings to you mean more to her than a potential romantic / sexual relationship with someone else. That is genuinely a choice. I've been faced with that choice before, and so far I've decided for my partner.

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One of my friends and I graduated from high school early. With nothing better to do (since college hadn't begun yet) we spent a lot of time together as friends. I don't really know when I started developing romantic feelings for him, whether it was before we graduated or after, if there was any key moment that pushed me over the edge. One day, I had the urge to kiss him, but held back anyway. It wasn't until he admitted that he liked me that I said anything about it. I didn't want to ruin the friendship that we had, but I wanted to see if it could be more. We had the awkward first kiss and went out on date. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it wasn't as it was when we were just friends. Something had changed, and after two days of not speaking to one another, we agreed that it shouldn't happen and we went back to being friends like we were. It took about a month before we were as comfortable with each other as we were before the kiss.

She seems pretty open to you and indeed a very good friend. I think the direct route would be the best here. Be honest. You don't need to go 100% right away. Explain that your confused and have been thinking about her. Explain your fears and hopes. She's your best friend, and you're both going to be in college. I'm sure you're both mature enough to adult your way through it. If it doesn't work, then I don't see a reason that you can become "just friends" again over time.

Something important to remember is that people change. It's okay for your sexuality and feelings to develop and change over time. Who you are today doesn't equal who you are tomorrow. It's just the starting point of who you become. :)

Ah, you don't know how comforting this was to read! Hearing your story, I can definitely see how there are indeed multiple ways something like this could go, but as you said, there shouldn't be a reason why a previously close platonic friendship can't be restored to its former beauty. :) I'm always worried that if something like this were to happen between a good friend and I, and it didn't work out, we'd just end up going our separate ways and never get back to being friends again, and it made me turn down several potential relationships back in high school with guy friends. I need to learn to be more open and accepting to developing relationships, because who knows what may happen? It might end up being something amazing, and I don't want to let my personal fears hold me back all my life and make me regret something later.

Your second point was also something I needed to hear, as I've realized I tend to be so rigid when it comes to my identity and who I am. I seem to have a problem with change, and often find myself denying any sort of changes I may suspect in myself, thinking, "No, that can't be true- you are who you are and it stays that way forever!". Not the most healthy, I know. That is also something I will work on being more accepting of. Thank you so much for your thoughts!

The simple answer is that romantic or sexual attraction are not necessary to love someone deeply enough to want them to be your life partner. I have been in a relationship with someone who doesn't experience romantic or sexual attraction for me for 2 years now, and our relationship / friendship has only grown stronger over time.

It's up to her whether her platonic feelings to you mean more to her than a potential romantic / sexual relationship with someone else. That is genuinely a choice. I've been faced with that choice before, and so far I've decided for my partner.

You are very right about that, and that's something that I need to take into consideration. All I can do is work with what I know, and, regardless of any attraction or lack thereof, what I know is that she is very important to me and someone I always want to be around. It is very comforting to hear about your experience, as it makes me think that it's possible even for me to find such a relationship- one that flourishes no matter if attraction is truly involved or not. It is also helpful to hear this from someone on the other side, because I often wonder how she- a sexual- would even benefit from being in a relationship with someone like me.

I will definitely find the time to talk to her about it soon, because I'd like to know her feelings as well as work out mine. I'm quite nervous about this thought, because until now she's known me to be completely uninterested and nothing short of heteroromantic- we haven't talked much about romantic orientation, surprisingly- and has always expressed that she's more than thankful that I'm simply her friend, so bringing something like this up to her seems like a very scary and slightly awkward ordeal in a way... But, I know that she is my friend, and I'm willing to work through this together... I'm just really hoping all goes well! Again, thanks for both of your encouragement and advice, it's made me feel so much better about my situation. I guess we'll trust in fate and just see where this goes! ^_^

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FerlynnGoldbeard

I'm glad you found my thoughts comforting and helpful. PM me if you want to talk. ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't know why I felt I had to come back here, because this isn't much of an update really, but I just thought I'd share it because my hands are shaking and this is kind of a nervewracking yet progressive moment for me, haha. Anyway, I've been having a conversation over text with the above mentioned friend about how I'm questioning my romantic orientation and so far it's going well, and I feel a little better just broaching the subject with her but my god am I nervous right now lol... Probably wasn't a good idea to drink that late night coffee just before now because I don't feel like I'll ever sleep after this, but oh well, maybe it gave me some courage lmao. :lol: Maybe I'll finally get somewhere with this... I'll definitely update if and when anything further happens. :)

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I am right now in the same situation as your friend (except that I am asexual). I can tell you, that it is really nice to tell the friend what confuses you.

Your friend reads your behavior as mixed signals all the time, by the way.

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  • 5 weeks later...

I always worried about sending mixed signals; I just couldn't bring myself to specify anything because I didn't want to say something when I was still so confused and unsure myself. But, well, I guess at least now I can finally say the cat's out of the bag? :) I just worked up the nerve finally to explain myself as best I could, and I'm just awaiting response now (I think I broke her with this sudden news, she said she needed some time to take it in, lol)... But wow, do I feel better! I'm hoping everything will go smoothly as possible from here... I really just wanted her to know, and that's finally all said and done now. It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders, and hopefully hers as well ^_^

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