Coming out as ace and very VERY scared

[Briebyrdfreebyrd]

Hey so... I'm really scared to come out because I feel like it will inevitably end my relationship. My boyfriend is the one who has tried to help me come to the conclusion that... I definitely am. And I need help. How does one come out as ace.. How does one not feel broken and hopeless... Or am I just being an emo kid about it lol it's just very sad when I know how sexual my boyfriend is... And he loves me so dearly but I know it'll set an expiration date on us if I come clean to myself and him about this.

[argar]

Welcome to AVEN.

I don't mean to sound negative, but I think since this is an issue that has already come up in your relationship, it has probably already changed in some way.

I also think that many of us, me included, have felt broken and hopeless even before we realized we were asexual.

In my case learning that I was just made a lot of things about my life make sense, and actually brought me some peace.

In some ways you are going about it in a reverse order, but we all go through the process differently.

The one thing I will tell you is that being asexual does not mean you are broken and hopeless.

In my opinion I think that society/culture convinces us that we all need to live a certain way to be happy, but that is not necessarily true.

I don't know how important it is for you come out, but what I do know is that you need to make peace with who you are for your sake not your significant other's.

In the long run you have to live with yourself a lot longer that what you will probably live with your s.o.

I hope some of the above at least gives you some perspective.

Have a beautiful night.

[Briebyrdfreebyrd]

I needed that... Thank you so much

[deltaX]

As argar already said, being asexual doesn't make you broken or hopeless. I know I've felt that way before, but it absolutely isn't true, and there's nothing wrong with being asexual. It's possible it might end your relationship, but even if it does, it doesn't mean that there was anything wrong with either of you- just that you were sexually incompatible.

I do think that you should tell your boyfriend as soon as possible though, as it's important to be open about these kinds of things with a partner. Maybe it'll end your relationship, and maybe it won't, but that fact that he helped you discover asexuality at least means he'll be likely to accept it as a valid orientation.

Best of luck!

[Theresa]

Your boyfriend may surprise you. I almost broke up with my significant other when I finally realized that asexuality was a real thing, and not just a way I described myself to reflect that I don't feel sexually attracted to people. I decided that I had to leave that decision up to him, rather than making the decision for both of us. I felt like I was depriving him by having a non-existent sex drive that doesn't match his strong sex drive. He surprised me. I thought we would end the weekend by "just being friends". Instead, we are still together. I did tell him that I would be relieved if he found a sexual partner. He doesn't do casual sex, so any partner would be emotionally intimate as well as physically intimate. We probably will never marry, and again, that's a relief to me. But I still have someone to visit on weekends when we are both free, someone to cuddle with, and someone to get outdoors with. And I no longer feel guilty that his physical desires/needs aren't being met. I don't know how I ended up with someone who cares enough about me NOT to pressure me for sex, but he doesn't.

Good luck. I do advocate having an honest, if difficult, discussion with your boyfriend. If this is going to be a deal-breaker, better to know that now than to have things fall apart in a year or two.

[Briebyrdfreebyrd]

Yeah, he knows about it... And he really is on the fence on if this will work .. I mean if it's not meant to it won't honestly