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Wife just came out as Asexual.


bette1

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Later this month my wife and I will have been married for five years, together seven. We have a beautiful, sweet, 2-year-old daughter whom we adore. We get along famously, love each other, are sensitive to each others' needs, and rarely fight about anything. Except sex. For years I have felt unwanted sexually. I chalked it up to several things; lesbian bed death (we are lesbians), my wife's lower libido, or later, the fact that her hormones changed when she got pregnant (through a sperm donor), or that she was tired, or any number of things.

Last week she sent me a link to AVEN, and said "what if this is me"? I'm not sure she realized she had just come out to me as asexual, but for me, all of a sudden, everything clicked. It was like when you hear those NPR stories of wives who saw an online quiz about Aspergers and they realize their husbands have Aspergers and they finally know how to better communicate with them. NOTE: I'm not trying to call or compare asexuality a disorder. I'm just trying to explain how I suddenly felt much clearer.

For the past week, I've been going back in my mind over our seven years together, and now things that made no sense make sense to me. My wife craves romantic love, but not sex. She doesn't get turned on, which is why I have felt so sexually unfulfilled. When we have sex, it's always because I've been angry and resentful about sex, and she's trying to make me happy. It doesn't work. And the intimate connection I crave is not fulfilled. I've described it before like having sex with a robot. Our sex therapist of two years had given us all sorts of things to work on. None worked, and my wife maintained that she didn't feel like anything was wrong even though I did.

About a year ago, an extremely good-looking woman hit on me at a bar where I was hearing my friends play music. I went home and told my wife about it, hoping that either she'd feel jealous and want to have sex with me, or think it was hot and want to hear about it while we had sex. Neither of those things happened. She didn't seem to care much at all, because she trusts me. I told our therapist that I'd felt more wanted in three minutes in the bar than I had in years with my wife.

With this new discovery I am left feeling angry, resentful, and sad. And somehow also relieved, because I finally know that it's not me. That she's not just finding me unattractive. I obviously love my wife and want her to know she is loved and that it's okay for her to be exactly as she is. But I'm so upset and feel my trust has been broken, that I'm not exactly in a place to be her supportive best friend, because I feel like I need to take care of myself. While not all of a relationship, to me, sex is a big part of one, and now I feel like I've basically got three choices:

1) Stay in my marriage and be celibate.

2) Stay in my marriage and get sex outside the marriage. <-- This idea is rife with problems to me, and I fear it would lead to my wife leaving me.

3) End my marriage.

After talking to my individual therapist and to our sex therapist together, I've realized that there's more grey area in between staying together or ending our marriage. But right now I am so angry and resentful, I just don't know how to live in the same house and deal with those feelings. I would not have married her if I had known this. And I certainly wouldn't have had a child. I am beside myself, craving some sexual attention, and yet I still want my wife to know she is loved and supported, and that is beautiful and wonderful just as she is. I would really appreciate any support you could give me, from asexuals or their partners. I'd love to know the nitty gritty of how couples like us work out their relationships. Does the sexual partner go celibate? Or outside the relationship for sex? If so, what are the boundaries of that?

Thanks.

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You shouldn't have to end your marriage because your wife is possibly asexual. Since you mentioned that it sounds like she has tried to have sex with you in order to make you happy, she may not be completely turned off to the idea of it. Many asexuals still have sex for various reasons; to reproduce, to satisfy their partner, or even because they like the stimulation/pleasure in it. Being asexual doesn't mean not wanting to have sex. It means a lack of sexual attraction to people. We love people in other ways, we just don't experience love in that way. And some asexuals are even repulsed by sex and won't ever have it. But from what you said, your wife doesn't seem to be that way. She obviously loves you in the romantic way, but she may not be sexually attracted to you or have a strong interest in sex. But she's still willing to do it if it makes you happy.

I'm an asexual in a relationship and I guess I'm a bit like your wife. I'm indifferent to sex, where I don't mind having it if I'm in the mood, but it's not all what it's cracked up to be. With my boyfriend, I'm more interested in just cuddling, even though we've gotten really intimate and reached a point a few times where we were willing to do it. (And I think we would've last time, if we had protection and I didn't have to worry about my nosy, controlling parents.) And he's perfectly fine with avoiding the sexual moments. I've talked to him a few times about being asexual and how I feel about the sexual parts in a relationship, and he's fully supportive. He might actually be on the asexual spectrum himself.

So maybe you two can find a way to compromise. Having sex outside marriage is definitely something you should avoid, and I think ending your marriage would be too. Ending it might make her think it's her fault. I understand you needing sexual attention, but I don't understand why you feel angry too. Nobody can help being asexual; we didn't choose to be this way, so it's not really her fault. It also sounds like she might have not known this about herself when you married. Hell, sometimes I wish I wasn't asexual. I would do anything to be any other sexual orientation, gay, straight, bi, or whatever. And I've tried to feel sexually attracted to other people. But nope. It all failed; instead of being sexually interested in a person, I just ended up wanting to admire their body because it looked so pretty. The idea of having sex with the person resulted in a mixed feeling of uncomfortableness and a little repulsiveness, probably because I didn't know the person.

I think what you need to do is talk to your wife about all this and how you feel. That's really the first step in finding a way to compromise and work this out. There are ways of staying together without going celibate, ending your marriage, or having sex outside it. One of them is pleasuring yourself...That's what some asexuals do too, if they still have libido.

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(up) all of this. woo. give this woman a medal.

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I'm with WorldHero on this one. I really think the first course of action is for the two of you to sit down and really discuss this. It sounds like your wife just discovered she's asexual herself, which is a pivotal moment in many asexual people's lives. She didn't go into your marriage knowing she was ace, it really sounds like.

The first step has to be communication. Talk to each other about your feelings and what you both want and need in this relationship and how to go about figuring out if those things are possible to achieve. But without communication, you'll never know how she feels about this, and she'll never know how you feel. Talk it out.

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Thanks for this @worldhero. It's helpful to hear from other people. My wife and I are actually generally great communicators with one another. It's something we both have worked hard at before and during our marriage. We have had some long talks, both by ourselves and with our sex therapist. And she's quite happy with the status quo. And for everything but sex, so am I. On the other hand, I'm not willing to live my life without sexual fulfillment, which is something we both have come to the conclusion that she just can't give me. I've tried for years now to live that way, and I end up frustrated and resentful. I don't want to feel that way towards my wife. Masturbation has been a healthy part of what I've done for years. And it's true, my wife is willing to have sex with me. But the problem is that since there's no sexual desire nor emotional connection for her, it's unfulfilling for me, in part because she's not attracted to me, and I have a need to feel wanted. The other part is that it's hugely satisfying to me to turn on my partner.

Let me be clear. I love my wife. I don't want to leave her. I am not angry with her for being who she is. I'm angry about the situation, and upset with having been put in a position I don't want to be in. I am loving and supportive, and luckily, I've been able to communicate to my wife that I love her as she is, and she has not lost any trust in me. I understand she didn't know she was asexual. There was no malice, and she didn't keep anything from me. However, my needs haven't been being met for a long, long time. I'm not trying to throw the baby out with the bathwater, because everything else we have is so wonderful. We have fabulous, loving families who love us and are wonderful with our daughter. But we both understand that sexual fulfillment isn't something she can give me. So I am basically between a rock and a hard place.

Any more help/words of encouragement/commiseration would be much appreciated.

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Actually, you're both between a rock and a hard place, because your wife probably isn't happy about this either. She knows how you're suffering.

Unfortunately, although she is willing to have sex, you require equal sexual feeling from your partner, and that just isn't going to happen. She can have sex, but she can't manufacture feeling, nor can you get rid of your need for feeling.

If you can't accept her compromise (having sex although she doesn't naturally want it), and you can't compromise (having sex with her although she doesn't want it), you each may have to make a decision about the marriage going forward.

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We live in a never give up culture, having said that, giving up is something important and also something good because allows us to restart and discover new things. If I was you I would divorce and try to keep a good relationship with my ex and help her with our kid and find a new partner. What is the sense of you being unhappy or making unhappy your partner for the rest of your lives?

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Notte stellata

Having sex outside marriage is definitely something you should avoid, and I think ending your marriage would be too. Ending it might make her think it's her fault.

I don't agree with either point.

Having sex outside of marriage without the partner's consent is something you should avoid. But if both parties are okay with an open/poly relationship, it can be a solution to a mixed relationship. Of course, as is repeated on AVEN over and over again, it shouldn't be used as a band-aid, meaning you shouldn't do it if either of you is uncomfortable with non-monogamy.

Ending a marriage over sexual incompatibility or any other incompatibility is totally reasonable, and it's no one's fault. The person who brings it up can and should make it clear that it's not their partner's fault, but they're just not compatible as a couple. If you think divorce is the best option, don't hold back just because you're afraid your partner may feel guilty.

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Having sex outside marriage is definitely something you should avoid, and I think ending your marriage would be too. Ending it might make her think it's her fault.

I don't agree with either point.

Having sex outside of marriage without the partner's consent is something you should avoid. But if both parties are okay with an open/poly relationship, it can be a solution to a mixed relationship. Of course, as is repeated on AVEN over and over again, it shouldn't be used as a band-aid, meaning you shouldn't do it if either of you is uncomfortable with non-monogamy.

Ending a marriage over sexual incompatibility or any other incompatibility is totally reasonable, and it's no one's fault. The person who brings it up can and should make it clear that it's not their partner's fault, but they're just not compatible as a couple. If you think divorce is the best option, don't hold back just because you're afraid your partner may feel guilty.

Going for an open relationship was a suggestion that I didn't think of until after I posted. My bad.

IMHO, divorcing or breaking up should be a last resort if nothing else works. Especially if you and your partner have a child. Suggesting divorce makes me feel really bad for both the parents and the child. I think it's because my parents have had loud fights in the past, where one of them would run off for a few hours, and as a child, it was terrifying to lay there listening to them and afraid of them splitting up. So I always try to avoid suggesting divorce... :unsure:

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Bette - apart from being male and straight, and not having a child, I'm in exactly the same situation as you, emotionally. In my wife's case, she was effectively sexual till menopause/lupus and some related mild depression hit - now she says sex 'is just something we used to do' and doesn't see that situation changing. She also apparently never felt any kind of emotional bond from sex, ever. It was only ever a physical act that she enjoyed purely on that level.

I get the resentment too, though it's something you're going to have to get past on your own. As you say, it's not her fault, and if she's willing to have sex on the basis of enjoying the pleasure it brings you, and the closeness between you, it can help. The resentment, I think, comes out of feeling rejected, and getting your head round the idea that she's not rejecting you, she's rejecting sex can help with that. It's very, very hard though. Sex with your partner just is deeply personal for sexuals, but having the tools to rationally reframe those feelings of rejection can help. They don't entirely go away though.

The other thing is accepting that she's not going to change, though she can (and I'd say should really do her best) to compromise. And so should you. There's not way of knowing if that compromise will work, and it'll take months/years, and involve a lot of painful conversations, and emotional ups and downs for both of you.

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Having sex outside marriage is definitely something you should avoid, and I think ending your marriage would be too. Ending it might make her think it's her fault.

I don't agree with either point.

Having sex outside of marriage without the partner's consent is something you should avoid. But if both parties are okay with an open/poly relationship, it can be a solution to a mixed relationship. Of course, as is repeated on AVEN over and over again, it shouldn't be used as a band-aid, meaning you shouldn't do it if either of you is uncomfortable with non-monogamy.

Ending a marriage over sexual incompatibility or any other incompatibility is totally reasonable, and it's no one's fault. The person who brings it up can and should make it clear that it's not their partner's fault, but they're just not compatible as a couple. If you think divorce is the best option, don't hold back just because you're afraid your partner may feel guilty.

Going for an open relationship was a suggestion that I didn't think of until after I posted. My bad.

IMHO, divorcing or breaking up should be a last resort if nothing else works. Especially if you and your partner have a child. Suggesting divorce makes me feel really bad for both the parents and the child. I think it's because my parents have had loud fights in the past, where one of them would run off for a few hours, and as a child, it was terrifying to lay there listening to them and afraid of them splitting up. So I always try to avoid suggesting divorce... :unsure:

Well, that's because as a child you saw constant fights, a bad marriage can be as bad or even worse than a divorce, you are asexual, imagine that you have to have sex with your partner every night for the rest of your life to avoid divorce, and imagine that sex make you want to puke, do you think that you will not end up hating your marriage and even your partner? In the case of the OP is also something very sad, and in fact she looks sad, she would have never married her wife if she had know that she was asexual, is not about to blame anybody, it's just a major incompatibility cause. I wouldnt spend years being unhappy trying to fix things, I would either open the relationship or divorce, that's it.

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nanogretchen4

Considering that the OP and her wife have a two year old child I don't think there is an obvious best solution. The birth mother is almost certain to get custody in the case of divorce. So the OP has to weigh the suffering caused by X more years of sexual frustration against the suffering of largely missing out on X years of her daughter's early life. Sex in a relationship is very important for most people, to the extent that longterm they will not be happy without it. However, in this case actual happiness is off the menu, so the OP is left having to choose between relative levels of unhappiness. I lean toward thinking it makes sense to stay and try to compromise for a few more years, at least until the child is a bit more independent and doesn't need to be actively watched 24/7.

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I'd love to know the nitty gritty of how couples like us work out their relationships. Does the sexual partner go celibate? Or outside the relationship for sex? If so, what are the boundaries of that?

If you two decide you can go outside the relationship for sex, it should come as a joint decision and what boundaries vary by couple. You'd have to discuss that and figure out what you're both comfortable with. Some people do sex, no relationship or "open marriage" some do polyamory, which allows multiple loves (for all people involved), so multiple relationships.

Personally, I am monogamous, so open/poly doesn't work for me. I've always compromised and had sex, even though I didn't really want it. And eventually, my spouse's sexual demands were too much for me and my lack of desire was too much for him and we split.

If you stay together, you can try to find a compromise that works for you. Some people do scheduled sex, some do the asexual initiates to avoid rejection, some are celibate but fill the intimacy gap with other things, some do open, some do poly. It really varies by couple. You two have to sit down and figure out what you think works best for you.

As for splitting, if you ultimately decide nothing else works, as a child of divorced parents... me and the 20 or so kids I had to take a "divorce class" with much preferred our parents getting divorced to being unhappily together. Kids know when you're miserable and they really don't like that. So, if you decide it is what is best for you two, it could also be what is best for your child. An amicable divorce is of course best, if you go that route, so you two can still co-parent. However, that's usually the "we already tried everything else and nothing is working" option, there are still things to try, if you want to. If you don't, that's understandable as well.

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nanogretchen4

I agree that divorcing is better for the kids than staying in a miserable marriage. The OP is describing a really good marriage in every area except sex, which is what makes this a genuinely difficult call.

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I agree that divorcing is better for the kids than staying in a miserable marriage. The OP is describing a really good marriage in every area except sex, which is what makes this a genuinely difficult call.

True, but over time, a good marriage can become toxic if resentment builds too much. So, if a compromise where both are not content cannot be reached, it's still often better than allowing resentment to infect other aspects of the marriage. However, the OP is still in the figuring out if things can be worked out stage, from what I can tell. So, not there yet, but should be kept as a viable option if the other choices don't work for them.

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Hi, Bette,

I saw myself in your post. I'm a woman married to another woman, but no children, which is a massive difference. We've been together for 37 years.

Your description of sex resonates with me and I understand your hungers and resentment. I'm still looking for answers.

My wife and are at the end of about 15 difficult years due to outside forces; I kept thinking that when things settled down, we'd return to our occasional unfulfilling sex (you described it so aptly and I'm so clumsy in my description). But she enjoyed the sexless time, and I'm figuring out how to handle things.

I've found writing to be a good outlet.

My wife and I live in a little piece of heaven and have a good relationship most ways except sexually. But for me, there have been many times of struggle. It's a struggle for my wife to deal with my struggles. But the struggle rears its head at times, and also hides, and life moves on around it all.

Like the saying goes, love is what we've been through together. We've got lots of love.

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Hi, Bette,

I saw myself in your post. I'm a woman married to another woman, but no children, which is a massive difference. We've been together for 37 years.

Your description of sex resonates with me and I understand your hungers and resentment. I'm still looking for answers.

My wife and are at the end of about 15 difficult years due to outside forces; I kept thinking that when things settled down, we'd return to our occasional unfulfilling sex (you described it so aptly and I'm so clumsy in my description). But she enjoyed the sexless time, and I'm figuring out how to handle things.

I've found writing to be a good outlet.

My wife and I live in a little piece of heaven and have a good relationship most ways except sexually. But for me, there have been many times of struggle. It's a struggle for my wife to deal with my struggles. But the struggle rears its head at times, and also hides, and life moves on around it all.

Like the saying goes, love is what we've been through together. We've got lots of love.

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Having sex outside marriage is definitely something you should avoid, and I think ending your marriage would be too. Ending it might make her think it's her fault.

I don't agree with either point.

Having sex outside of marriage without the partner's consent is something you should avoid. But if both parties are okay with an open/poly relationship, it can be a solution to a mixed relationship. Of course, as is repeated on AVEN over and over again, it shouldn't be used as a band-aid, meaning you shouldn't do it if either of you is uncomfortable with non-monogamy.

Ending a marriage over sexual incompatibility or any other incompatibility is totally reasonable, and it's no one's fault. The person who brings it up can and should make it clear that it's not their partner's fault, but they're just not compatible as a couple. If you think divorce is the best option, don't hold back just because you're afraid your partner may feel guilty.

Going for an open relationship was a suggestion that I didn't think of until after I posted. My bad.

IMHO, divorcing or breaking up should be a last resort if nothing else works. Especially if you and your partner have a child. Suggesting divorce makes me feel really bad for both the parents and the child. I think it's because my parents have had loud fights in the past, where one of them would run off for a few hours, and as a child, it was terrifying to lay there listening to them and afraid of them splitting up. So I always try to avoid suggesting divorce... :unsure:

Well, that's because as a child you saw constant fights, a bad marriage can be as bad or even worse than a divorce, you are asexual, imagine that you have to have sex with your partner every night for the rest of your life to avoid divorce, and imagine that sex make you want to puke, do you think that you will not end up hating your marriage and even your partner? In the case of the OP is also something very sad, and in fact she looks sad, she would have never married her wife if she had know that she was asexual, is not about to blame anybody, it's just a major incompatibility cause. I wouldnt spend years being unhappy trying to fix things, I would either open the relationship or divorce, that's it.

I completely understand that. That's why I'm saying that if nothing else works, compromising doesn't work, or an open relationship doesn't work, and there's no other solution, then divorce might be for the best. I just don't think it should be the very first idea to jump to.

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this feels saddening, it it really true that an ace and allo can never be together?

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  • 2 months later...

Hi, all,

 

I took a little break from the website, mostly because it's been the most exceptionally trying few months of my life.  @DogSpirit, I feel you.  My wife and I have the kind of relationship that's pretty perfect as relationships go-- we've never fought much beyond the occasional bickering.  We get along, adore each other, match really well, and have totally different and complimentary temperaments.  She's the perfect woman.  And until a couple of years ago when we began going to sex therapy because I was unhappy with the amount of sex we we (weren't) having, everything was great.  and for the most part it still is.

 

We have opened up our marriage. I had a one night stand--my first ever (which I'm told is rare for a 35-year-old), and it was amazing.  TO feel *wanted* physically for the first time in 7 years was really pleasurable, awakening, and super hot, most most importantly, it armed me with the knowledge that I am, in fact, desirable. And after feeling rejected for so many years that's really valuable to me.

 

The difficulty is that I really don't want to be with other women, I want that from my wife.  And when I go on dates with women, they're just not as interesting, smart, fun, or attractive as she is.  And then I just get angry and resentful all over again.  I'm pretty beside myself.  Hoping for a little encouragement from the community.  Thanks.

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@bette1 I can't say too much honestly, simply from lack of experience. But I do think it's a good sign that even though you had a good experience with your one-night stand, you still feel the love and commitment to your wife. You two sound like you have a really strong bond and opening it up may work out.

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  • 3 months later...
greyanatomy

Hi @bette1

I know it's been several months since the last post here, but it's been helpful for me to read about your story (though I am sorry that you and your wife are going through this) and I wanted to respond. I am the one in my marriage that is beginning to finally figure out that I am on the ace spectrum, and my highly sexual spouse and I have been together for 11 years. There are other issues in our marriage, but the sexual compatibility has been a huge one for years. Only recently (after years of medical tests, medication, supplements, lifestyle changes, therapy, etc) I have determined that because there seems to be no biological or psychological cause for my lifelong lack of interest in sex, I must be asexual. For years I have tried my hardest to keep up the sexual energy because we grow up hearing that sex is an extremely important part of marriage, but it's very hard to keep energy high for something that just doesn't do it for you, so it's worn me down quite a bit. I know that for my spouse, sex is an important way for him to connect to me, so an open relationship (which I would be fine with) wouldn't really be a viable solution--it's not as much about the sex as it is the sex WITH ME, and that it's imperative to him for this connection to happen that I not just go through the motions of sex to please him, but that I also find him attractive, get horny for him, and really want sex with him. That's what is so difficult; he can't understand that it might be normal for someone to not feel sexual attraction, to not get horny, and to not want sex. I love my spouse dearly, but he's very resistant to the idea that asexuality really exists, so we will have some work to do regarding education and acceptance. In the meantime, I suggested that we try to find other things we can do together that give him that same sense of connection; if we use those things along with occasional sex, he might still get that connection he needs, and I may not be expected as often to engage in an activity that I really don't enjoy.

Anyway, that's where I am in this journey, and it's super helpful for me to see the other perspective. Hopefully it's helpful for you as well, or anyone out there in this position. 

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