Been confused my whole life...

[firstbass]

First off I want to say how happy I was to find a forum like this where people are so open minded and understanding. I'm a 36 year old man that has struggled with sexuality my whole life. It's been the single cause of most of the pain and suffering in my life, the feelings of alienation and not being able to relate to my friends and the rest of the world. I was completely terrified of sex up until I lost my virginity, it gave me such an immense feeling of anxiety and pressure (still does). The only girls I've slept with are ones that initiated it, usually after multiple attempts and ones I've known for a long period of time. The times I had have sex it is incredibly hard for me to get off, so I usually don't. I'm a reasonably attractive guy and I'm a successful musician that travels quite a lot so beautiful girls are always constant, which makes it even worse for me.

The reason I ended up here today is because this last week has made me incredibly frustrated. On two separate occasions I ended up spending the night with a girl after a night of drinking and both times I did whatever it took to get out of having sex. One of the girls was a 24 year old professional model (most men would kill to be in bed with) but I just can't bring myself to do it, I just don't feel that urge. I find girls aesthetically beautiful and I kind of have a thing for large breasts, but neither of those things make me think or want to actually have sex with them. I guess I'm just still confused at where I fit in, on one hand I really, really want somebody in my life but at the same time, my lack of desire, and fear of sex drives me away from new relationships. The other thing that confuses me even more is that sometimes I really enjoy sex, if it's with somebody I trust and have known for awhile, but not enough to actively go looking for it, or care if I've gone without it (in this case years). I think I care more about getting laid just to tell my friends I did so they could stop worrying about me.

From what I've gathered online I think I fit into the Grey-A to Asexual category. I guess when people ask I can say I'm asexual just so it's slightly less confusing for them, they're still going to think I'm full of shit though. I guess I'm just struggling with the fact that one of the most fundamental and beautiful things in human life is something that I find so confusing and difficult, when it should come so natural.

[nanogretchen4]

I think you need to take a step back and realize that a stereotypical musician lifestyle is not going to work out well for you. Stop getting yourself into situations where you are spending the night with models or whatever when you don't actually want to do anything with them. Why? Is that an image thing? You should try to be yourself and do things that you actually want to do. From your description it's possible that you could have a stable longterm relationship with a woman who has a fairly low libido, although of course you need to be honest about your orientation from the beginning. If you go after younger women who are very invested in their appearance, you're really shooting yourself in the foot. They are likely to have a higher libido and to be really upset about not being desired physically. I can't tell if your actual preference is occasional sex in a longterm relationship or no sex ever. If you want no sex ever, there are actually many more out hetero romantic asexual women than men, so maybe give them a chance, you know? Either way, remember that your love life is real life, not part of the show.

[firstbass]

I think you need to take a step back and realize that a stereotypical musician lifestyle is not going to work out well for you. Stop getting yourself into situations where you are spending the night with models or whatever when you don't actually want to do anything with them. Why? Is that an image thing? You should try to be yourself and do things that you actually want to do. From your description it's possible that you could have a stable longterm relationship with a woman who has a fairly low libido, although of course you need to be honest about your orientation from the beginning. If you go after younger women who are very invested in their appearance, you're really shooting yourself in the foot. They are likely to have a higher libido and to be really upset about not being desired physically. I can't tell if your actual preference is occasional sex in a longterm relationship or no sex ever. If you want no sex ever, there are actually many more out hetero romantic asexual women than men, so maybe give them a chance, you know? Either way, remember that your love life is real life, not part of the show.

Thanks for responding. Quiting music is not an option for me as it's my entire life and one of the only things I live for (considering I'm not out there casing girls). As far as ending up with girls at the end of the night, it kind of just happens when I'm drunk or out, it also doesn't help that my friends are desperately trying to set me up with girls, trust me I go out of my way to avoid these situations but sometimes it just happens. As far as the model thing, she's a friend of a friend that's had a crush on me for some time, I didn't initiate anything there. My preference is definitely "occasional sex in a longterm relationship" does that classify me as a "demisexual"?

[nanogretchen4]

Maybe. You could also be sexual with a low libido and performance anxiety. It sounds like you keep getting into high pressure situations with people you aren't comfortable with. I'm not saying you should quit music, I'm just saying you don't have to live the stereotype. Say no to unwanted advances and unwanted setups. Drink less in the situations where that leads to trouble. Try dating women who aren't your friends' type but might be yours.

[firstbass]

Maybe. You could also be sexual with a low libido and performance anxiety. It sounds like you keep getting into high pressure situations with people you aren't comfortable with. I'm not saying you should quit music, I'm just saying you don't have to live the stereotype. Say no to unwanted advances and unwanted setups. Drink less in the situations where that leads to trouble. Try dating women who aren't your friends' type but might be yours.

You could be right about that, it describes me pretty well, but as I'm reading up on grey-a and demisexual also fits me as well. If I do in fact just suffer from low libido, there's treatments and medication that can help with that correct?

[nanogretchen4]

Not necessarily. It could be your normal. There's a big range of libidos and it's mostly normal variation rather than a symptom of anything. It's not a problem if you find a partner who's a reasonable match.