is it weird that i think about sex contrary to my orientation?

[kappapeachie]

as you all know, i'm gray-a or maybe someone who teethers to edge of being sexual. i've be questionable if i'm ace since apparently the idea of a sex loving ace or sex favorable one seems either weird or goes against the idea of what a asexual is. no wonder i never felt the clicking feeling when someone slaps a label on me. the only labels that describe well are bisexual or heteroflexible since i like girls and boys mostly.

[Starlit Sky]

I have fantasies that would embarrass porn directors, very nearly all of which include me. I've noticed something common here at AVEN: most asexuals--even the ones who report having sex fantasies--say that those fantasies never include themselves. I've always found that interesting. It wouldn't be that much of a surprise to me if I find out one day that I'm either gray-A or demisexual.

That being said, though, thinking about sex doesn't disqualify you from being asexual. Being asexual simply means that you don't have the desire to have sex; being gray-asexual means that you usually don't have the desire to have sex. How much you think about sex doesn't interfere with either of those things. :)

[kappapeachie]

funny enough, i do imagine myself being involved in a few things in daydreams....like kinky bdsm. but then what if an ace had sex and actually enjoyed it? are they cupio or just sexual.

[Starlit Sky]

Not necessarily! Asexuals can definitely enjoy sex :) A lot of them try to seek out ways that they and their partners can enjoy sex. I've got a list of turn-ons that I know will work, even in person, and another list that I might enjoy. Uh, anyway . . . an asexual can enjoy sex, they just can't desire it. ^^

[Star Bit]

i've be questionable if i'm ace since apparently the idea of a sex loving ace or sex favorable one seems either weird or goes against the idea of what a asexual is.

Sex enjoyment doesn't go against being asexual, but sex loving/desiring/yearning does (that'd be a normal sexual person). Enjoyment and desire are two different things that are just typically paired. Everyone's had a food that tasted fine but wasn't their thing. This is enjoyment without desire. The ONLY requirement for being asexual is not desiring sex (for sexual or emotional pleasure) with anyone; not even after foreplay. That's it. Anything else is just personal variation. Most asexuals masturbate and most use some form of erotica to do so. Gray-sexuals/Gray-asexuals desire sex but the time in which they desire it is unusual.

Sexual and romantic orientations are two different things. If you desire romance then it would be Biromantic. Heteroflexible Asexual/Ace can also be used, but obviously heteroflexible alone wouldn't imply asexuality.

Is it weird that straight women think of male&male relationships? No. What you think about/enjoy and what you actually desire to do are two different things.

[Starlit Sky]

Sex enjoyment doesn't go against being asexual, but sex loving [...] does

Really, you think an asexual loving sex is impossible? Keep in mind, I'm not trying to go against you here, I'm just curious. To me, if an asexual can enjoy sex it seems perfectly reasonable to assume that they can love the way it feels without (i.e., love sex) without desiring it. After all, it's common to love things that you don't desire (I love stromboli, but I don't desire it right now). While I can't say I've ever seen it, I wouldn't be surprised if an asexual said that they "love sex with their so-and-so partner" but don't care to seek it out unless that person wants it.

[Star Bit]

Yes, because loving sex would mean it's their favorite and thus desire it, and thus as i said, an ace cannot desire sex.

Someone who only enjoys sex but does not desire it would not say they love sex (well, unless they're trying to word things nicely for their partner's ego). The same goes for my example; if someone thinks a food is just enjoyable but not desirable they're not gunna say they love it. Same thing goes for any other activity really. No one who loves X show would say they don't desire to watch it. And they don't need a strong desire to desire something; I'm currently without TV and can't watch my shows, and while I'm actually ok with this it doesn't mean my desire for the shows has left, I'm just very patient and know i can eventually get caught up so it's no big deal. And with your Stromboli example, they still desire it at some point whereas an asexual cannot. If someone said "I love sex but don't desire to seek it out unless my partner wants it" they're either an ace that's using the wrong word to describe their feelings or are a sex indifferent sexual.

[kappapeachie]

Yes, because loving sex would mean it's their favorite and thus desire it, and thus as i said, an ace cannot desire sex.

Someone who only enjoys sex but does not desire it would not say they love sex (well, unless they're trying to word things nicely for their partner's ego). The same goes for my example; if someone thinks a food is just enjoyable but not desirable they're not gunna say they love it. Same thing goes for any other activity really. No one who loves X show would say they don't desire to watch it. And they don't need a strong desire to desire something; I'm currently without TV and can't watch my shows, and while I'm actually ok with this it doesn't mean my desire for the shows has left, I'm just very patient and know i can eventually get caught up so it's no big deal. And with your Stromboli example, they still desire it at some point whereas an asexual cannot. If someone said "I love sex but don't desire to seek it out unless my partner wants it" they're either an ace that's using the wrong word to describe their feelings or are a sex indifferent sexual.

that's me in a nutshell and now shit getting confusing, what do you call someone doesn't experience sexual attraction but likes sex? a cupiosexual?

[Grumpy Alien]

Sounds like you're just bisexual to me *shrug*

[kappapeachie]

gray-bisexual but gray nevertheless but to be honest with you, most of my attraction is aesthetic based so to speak.

[Star Bit]

that's me in a nutshell and now shit getting confusing, what do you call someone doesn't experience sexual attraction but likes sex? a cupiosexual?

As said, asexuals can enjoy sex but they cannot desire it. If someone yearns for sex, even if it's only after foreplay (which is common for women), but doesn't experience the impulse to do sexual things to someone specific (i.e. sexual attraction), then they are a normal sexual person consisting of about half the population. Sexual people desire sex for many reasons; all amounting to either sexual or emotional pleasure. Yes, desiring sex without sexual attraction is called cupiosexual, but this is a type of allosexual; not a type of asexual or even under the gray umbrella. However, cupioromantic is under the gray umbrella because as far as we know this is not the norm. Sex indifferent sexuals are under Gray-sexual, but not under Gray-asexual.

Unless there's more to your orientation that you didn't mention, i don't see why Gray is accurate.

Also, sexual attraction seems to predominantly be a male thing and is only experienced by a minority of women so you'd be very normal.

[if-indeed]

Even non-ace people think about sex contrary to their orientation--straight people imagining or even fantasizing about sex with people of the same gender, gay people imagining sex with people of other genders. Almost everyone does. It's not weird or unusual and it doesn't meant you're not ace.

that's me in a nutshell and now shit getting confusing, what do you call someone doesn't experience sexual attraction but likes sex? a cupiosexual?

[...]

Also, sexual attraction seems to predominantly be a male thing and is only experienced by a minority of women so you'd be very normal.

Not true at all. Most women experience sexual attraction, and the idea that they don't is a myth perpetuated by sexism--that women aren't "supposed to" want sex. The women I've talked to about it definitely experience sexual attraction to other people, and scientific studies show the same thing.

[Star Bit]

They say they experience sexual attraction but in what sense are they using the term? Sexual people use sexual attraction to refer to everything; even things it's clearly not (e.g. thinking someones good looking but not wanting to have sex with them). I'm not saying women don't desire sex; that's not what sexual attraction means (it means to have the impulse to have sex with someone specific and women desire it for many other reasons). A majority of women factually have responsive sexual desire and only desire sex when foreplay is initiated.

[if-indeed]

.

[astroanna]

I think everyone here has a lot of valid points.

I am also going through a personal struggle with how my thoughts on sex can fit within the label of asexuality. The problem is that asexuality is such a narrow term for such a large group of people who all have their own unique sexuality. I believe that if you feel that you are on the asexual spectrum, and that if it feels like that describes you, then that is where you belong. I myself have sexual fantasies, and consume sexual fiction, and sometimes wish that I could experience sex, but I have never met anyone who I am sexually attracted to or who I actually want to have sex with.

Asexuality (and all sexuality) can be very confusing, but I think its perfectly valid for you to identify as gray-a.