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Just a wee question


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After identifying as ace since before AVEN began, I'm now thoroughly confused by the endless new definitions.
How about I just describe myself and maybe you can tell me where or if I fit in around here.

I'm 55, have had sex but didn't like it much. I only had it because I thought I was supposed to and it seemed that having sex was some kind of consequence or requirement of having a close friend. That was in my 20s....I no longer think like that, so the sex has gone, yet I still have friends.
I've never been remotely romantic. When I think of things like sunsets, lovely meals in restaurants, visiting beautiful beaches, watching 1950s black and white movies while curled up in a duvet eating ice cream, I think of doing those things alone.
I've never cried over losing a friend, so maybe I feel a bit cold and dead inside at times compared to people in movies.
I'm not keen on hugs, but have learned that friends like them, so I take part at a bare minimum level.
Basically I'm a loner, with no interest in sex or touching or kissing...none whatsover. I'm happy with my own company though...I'm a loner but I never feel lonely and I enjoy my hobbies and interests, such as music, poetry, art, meditation.
I struggle with the word 'repulsed' because to me it implies a violent reaction...a screwing up of the face in distaste.......a 'running away in horror' sort of thing, whereas I simply couldn't care less.

Lets play 'categorise that ace!'

Thanks in advance.


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Haha, Well, we can't really tell you whether or not you are asexual, but by all means, you sound like you are to me. Of not crying when your friends have died (that's in no way a bad thing, by the way), of thinking of beaches/restaurants/etc. as places to go to alone, of not liking physical contact--none of that has anything to do with your sexual orientation (though the fact that you don't seem to have much of an inclination for romance might mean that you're aromantic. You're the only one who can decide that, though).

When we say that a person is sex-repulsed, we're not talking about someone who isn't fond of sex, we're talking about someone who is repulsed by sex, with the screwing up of the face, with the running away in horror, and all that. Not all asexuals are sex-repulsed. Actually, it seems like most aren't.

I hope this has helped! ^_^

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The first thing to enter my mind was simply aromantic asexual when I read this, but given the TOS I'm of course not allowed to label you. You will still have to decide for yourself whether you think it fits you. ;)

I think I would agree that it doesn't really sound like you're actually repulsed by anything but just in a way uncomfortable with people entering your private space and perhaps touch.

Would you say that what I thought of could in any way fit?

Though, there is a questions to be asked:

Did you ever feel romantic attraction at all? You have described not wanting to do things perceived as romantic with someone else, but have you ever had some sort of deeper connection with someone that wasn't "just" platonic anymore?

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Oh my, I could have written that, curved air!!! Did the whole marriage thing because "I thought I was supposed to"! I get nervous in "romantic" situations and just end up finding them awkward and funny. I have felt mild attraction on occasion, but that's it, it never goes any farther because I have no interest in pursuing it. I am also "not keen on hugs," which my friends and family think is odd. But yes, I will hug "at a bare minimum level." I truly like being alone, though I am not averse to hanging out with friends, either. I did not just recently become this way (I am now 58)--have been this way all my life but never had the vocabulary or understanding before discovering the asexual orientation. Now I do and for the first time feel comfortable with who I am.

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The first thing to enter my mind was simply aromantic asexual when I read this, but given the TOS I'm of course not allowed to label you. You will still have to decide for yourself whether you think it fits you. ;)

I think I would agree that it doesn't really sound like you're actually repulsed by anything but just in a way uncomfortable with people entering your private space and perhaps touch.

Would you say that what I thought of could in any way fit?

Though, there is a questions to be asked:

Did you ever feel romantic attraction at all? You have described not wanting to do things perceived as romantic with someone else, but have you ever had some sort of deeper connection with someone that wasn't "just" platonic anymore?

Thanks, Sylvastor.

No, I don't think I've ever really felt romantic in any way. God knows I've tried. I have friends who brighten up my day, but that's because they are quirky or make me laugh. There's never a sense that they are 'the one'.

I'm also an atheist who has spent a lifetime looking for a faith...for something to believe in... and the romance thing feels similar in a way.

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Haha, Well, we can't really tell you whether or not you are asexual, but by all means, you sound like you are to me. Of not crying when your friends have died (that's in no way a bad thing, by the way), of thinking of beaches/restaurants/etc. as places to go to alone, of not liking physical contact--none of that has anything to do with your sexual orientation (though the fact that you don't seem to have much of an inclination for romance might mean that you're aromantic. You're the only one who can decide that, though).

When we say that a person is sex-repulsed, we're not talking about someone who isn't fond of sex, we're talking about someone who is repulsed by sex, with the screwing up of the face, with the running away in horror, and all that. Not all asexuals are sex-repulsed. Actually, it seems like most aren't.

I hope this has helped! ^_^

Thank you, Starlit Sky.

I was meaning more that they'd moved away from the area lol, but now you mention it I've never cried at anyone's death. I waited for the tears when my Mum and then my brother died, but they never came. maybe I'm just a bit cold. I think there is some sort of connection to life that people have which I'm missing.

Yes..thanks for clarifying...that's exactly the sense I was getting from the word 'repulsed'. I can remember having sex (the last time was in the early 1980s), and it was really more of a gross comedy than anything massively repulsive. I always seemed to have my nose in someone's armpit or something. Just a clumsy, awkward mess. I can't dance either....literally have two left feet...zero coordination. Anyway, it was such a relief when I decided that I didn't have to have sex (or dance) ever again.

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Oh my, I could have written that, curved air!!! Did the whole marriage thing because "I thought I was supposed to"! I get nervous in "romantic" situations and just end up finding them awkward and funny. I have felt mild attraction on occasion, but that's it, it never goes any farther because I have no interest in pursuing it. I am also "not keen on hugs," which my friends and family think is odd. But yes, I will hug "at a bare minimum level." I truly like being alone, though I am not averse to hanging out with friends, either. I did not just recently become this way (I am now 58)--have been this way all my life but never had the vocabulary or understanding before discovering the asexual orientation. Now I do and for the first time feel comfortable with who I am.

Thanks, teatree.

Yes, I was briefly married too, in the 1990s. I have no idea why or how it happened. It was my ex wife's idea. I spent the entire marriage sleeping on the couch. She seemed to think I would change, but I never did.

I sometimes get what seem to be flirtatious approaches from people (male and female) on fb chat. I have a close friend who I run these things past, as I'm never 100% sure what's happening. If she says yes they are flirting, I simply delete the person. Not in anger or fear or anything, but because I simply have no clue how any of that works and i know that I could never be friends with someone who sees me that way.

Like you, I was born this way and have felt the same since I was a child. I do wonder sometimes if something failed to kick in during adolesence. I feel that people around me were changing during those years, but I felt the same as ever.

I think aro/ace would be a fine enough self-descriptor for me. I wouldn't need anything more complicated than that.

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I don't see where the confusion with too many labels comes from; your situation is pretty basic.

Asexual: not desiring sex with anyone

Aromantic: not getting crushes nor desiring a romantic relationship

You sound like both; aka aro ace for short. Romantic and sexual orientations are two different things.

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I don't see where the confusion with too many labels comes from; your situation is pretty basic.

Asexual: not desiring sex with anyone

Aromantic: not getting crushes nor desiring a romantic relationship

You sound like both; aka aro ace. Romantic and sexual orientations are two different things.

I don't see where the confusion with too many labels comes from; your situation is pretty basic.

Asexual: not desiring sex with anyone

Aromantic: not getting crushes nor desiring a romantic relationship

You sound like both; aka aro ace. Romantic and sexual orientations are two different things.

Thanks, Star Bit.

​I'm confused as to why sexual and romantic stuff might be different. I'm actually completely confused by perhaps 90% of what I read at AVEN, to be honest.

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Oh yes, sexual and romantic orientation are actually 100% different. There are many asexuals who have never felt anything remotely resembling sexual attraction, and still are very romance-oriented with other people. More often than not, if a guy finds a girl sexy, then he can love her, too. Or if a girl finds other girls sexy, then she'll love them. Despite the vast majority, though, it's not always like that.

Words like "heteroromantic," "homoromantic," "biromantic," etc., were coined at AVEN to help people who aren't aromantic better identify themselves, which is why you're unlikely to see those words outside of here. Distinguishing romantic orientation from sexual orientation is important because, well, many asexuals aren't aromantic.

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Oh yes, sexual and romantic orientation are actually 100% different. There are many asexuals who have never felt anything remotely resembling sexual attraction, and still are very romance-oriented with other people. More often than not, if a guy finds a girl sexy, then he can love her, too. Or if a girl finds other girls sexy, then she'll love them. Despite the vast majority, though, it's not always like that.

Words like "heteroromantic," "homoromantic," "biromantic," etc., were coined at AVEN to help people who aren't aromantic better identify themselves, which is why you're unlikely to see those words outside of here. Distinguishing romantic orientation from sexual orientation is important because, well, many asexuals aren't aromantic.

Thanks, Starlit Sky.

​To be honest, I do feel that AVEN seems to pump out new words at a rate of knots, and I have no real clue what most of them mean. I guess I want my sexuality to be a real, visceral thing and not just an intellectual construct, dreamt up by a committee in a distant office somewhere. Does that make sense? I don't need a dictionary to understand what gay, straight, bi or trans means but I very much do need a guide book to understand even a small part of what contemporary ace culture is about.

​I suppose my confusion over sexual and romantic orientation comes from the fact that I feel neither, so I struggle to identify with any of it. I seem to have no way into many conversations...like I can't visualise a lot of what people are talking about.....it just goes over my head.

One example might be that until relatively recently, I had no idea that a lot of the music I listen to had lyrics about sex. I assumed that when people were singing about love, they meant the thing you are supposed to feel for your Mother or close friends. A friend talked through it with me and I can remember a hilarious moment when she discovered I'd been thinking that the phrase 'I'm gonna love you all night long' was referring to some sort of sleep over lol

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Yes, wanting sex and wanting romance are two different things. Most asexuals are romantic. And there are aslo aromantic sexuals. There are other cross-orientations like Homoromantic Heterosexual, Heteroromantic Bisexual, etc. It's important for aro aces to not just identify as ace because that's an existing misconception many people have to correct already; they think asexuality also includes aromanticism.

Aven doesn't pump out new words, Tumblr does. Heteror/Homo/Biromantic were strictly created for a very needed reason, whereas most terms created by tumblr aren't. Really there are only 3 terms you need to know; aromantic/asexual, the Gray umbrella, and romantic/sexual. Any other more specific terms are normally under the Gray umbrella, but not always.

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Yes, wanting sex and wanting romance are two different things. Most asexuals are romantic. And there are aslo aromantic sexuals. There are other cross-orientations like Homoromantic Heterosexual, Heteroromantic Bisexual, etc. It's important for aro aces to not just identify as ace because that's an existing misconception many people have to correct already; they think asexuality also includes aromanticism.

Aven doesn't pump out new words, Tumblr does. Heteror/Homo/Biromantic were strictly created for a very needed reason, whereas most terms created by tumblr aren't. Really there are only 3 terms you need to know; aromantic/asexual, the Gray umbrella, and romantic/sexual. Any other more specific terms are normally under the Gray umbrella, but not always.

Thanks, Star Bit.

​This is very interesting to me.

Apologies if my assumptions were incorrect.

​When you say that it's important for aro aces not just to identify as ace, do you mean that they should also identify as straight or gay or bi etc within that definition?

​I really have no idea if I'm straight, gay, bi or whatever. Those terms don't seem relevant to my personal experience as they seem to imply a preference in partners, which I have no interest in.

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They mean that they believe that asexuals should identify as more than just asexual, not that aromantic asexuals should identify as anymore than that. Aromantic adequately covers the romantic orientation ^_^

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They mean that they believe that asexuals should identify as more than just asexual, not that aromantic asexuals should identify as anymore than that. Aromantic adequately covers the romantic orientation ^_^

Thanks, Starlit Sky.

​So we are saying that the 'aro' bit will stand for the 'gay/straight/bi' bit?

That suits me fine because I've never really identified with any of that LGBT stuff personally....I think my identity lies elsewhere....possibly filed under 'none of the above' lol

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Yep, in a way, aromantic is part of that, or rather a lack of (romantic) attraction towards the opposite or same sex, both, intersex, all, etc, to be more precise. So if you see no desire to have a relationship on a romantic base and don't identify with any of that, you're likely safe to identify as aro.

Many make it part of their identity to make clear that they are or aren't opposed/open to have relationships.

In a way, stating one is an aromantic (and asexual) can even help others to have no expectations of any kind and make no approaches too. ;)

These two orientations (sexual and romantic) are not directly linked to each other because someone can be (for example) heterosexual, yet be aromantic. This could mean that this person would feel sexual attraction to the opposite sex, while not desiring any romantic relationship, so if anything, they only engage in purely sexual relationships.

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Well, some romantic asexuals do use gay/straight on themselves, but others also don't because it's normally seen as having sexual connotations. But romantic aces can just identify as hetero/homo/biromantic to imply that they're asexual, where as the shorthand for aromantic asexuals would just be aro ace.

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Yep, in a way, aromantic is part of that, or rather a lack of (romantic) attraction towards the opposite or same sex, both, intersex, all, etc, to be more precise. So if you see no desire to have a relationship on a romantic base and don't identify with any of that, you're likely safe to identify as aro.

Many make it part of their identity to make clear that they are or aren't opposed/open to have relationships.

In a way, stating one is an aromantic (and asexual) can even help others to have no expectations of any kind and make no approaches too. ;)

These two orientations (sexual and romantic) are not directly linked to each other because someone can be (for example) heterosexual, yet be aromantic. This could mean that this person would feel sexual attraction to the opposite sex, while not desiring any romantic relationship, so if anything, they only engage in purely sexual relationships.

Thanks, Sylvastor

​I actually like the idea of a label or definition that signals my not wishing a relationship of any sort other than friendship.

Maybe it's my upbringing or crap I've picked up from the media, but sex without emotions sounds incredibly cold. Thinking about it, I suppose that's what I experienced myself during my 'thinking I was broken' phase. It was a relief when it ended, to be honest.

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Well, some romantic asexuals do use gay/straight on themselves, but others also don't because it's normally seen as having sexual connotations. But romantic aces can just identify as hetero/homo/biromantic to imply that they're asexual, where as the shorthand for aromantic asexuals would just be aro ace.

Thanks, Star Bit.

​Had to read this a few times to begin to take it in.

​Obviously not your fault in any way....I've several times been assessed for a learning difficulty, which in more recent times seems to be explained by what I'm reading about the cognitive symptoms of my schizophrenia...such things as struggling to maintain a 'working memory', for instance.

Yes, I think 'aro/ace' will serve me well and is short enough for my liking.

​Big thanks to you and everyone in this thread for talking this issue through with me. Cheers xx

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