javajerboa Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Let me preface this by saying that I'm 18 and I'm four months away from escaping an abusive home environment to go to college. I am a rape/sexual abuse survivor. And as far as I can tell, I experience a lot of things differently from what everyone else talks about. So I kind of have a lot going on in general. I have had romantic crushes before, but they never start as "Oh let's date and get married and have kids!" type of emotion. It's more like "This person is cute and adorable and I must protect them." It's rarely (i.e. never) about physical attributes and it has never once occurred unless I trust the person with my life and consider them family. It takes me a while to realize it's anything more than platonic friendship- I seem to have more stages between friendship and romantic interest than other people do. Gender and presentation don't seem to factor into it. I honestly have no idea if I experience sexual attraction or not. If I have, it would have been with my last ex-datemate, but I'm not sure if that was sexual attraction or if, as my boyfriend, he was just the default person to direct my sometimes rampant sex drive towards. The relationship was entirely long-distance, as I moved away before it began, so I didn't really get the opportunity to explore that. Overall I really don't get what the fuss is about- why does sex make everyone lose their minds? I mean, sure, people have bodies and they're often cute/attractive/aesthetically pleasing. Why is that such a big deal? Furthermore, I hate being touched. Even the most innocent things like a handshake or a hand on my arm feel awful, like my skin is on fire. Sometimes I force myself to deal with it if I have a cuddly datemate, but my un-influenced answer to anything involving touch is almost always to the tune of "Hell no, thank you. Please exit the personal space bubble." So even though sex sounds pleasant in theory, I don't think I could ever enjoy the reality of it. Pretty much all of my friends are some form (if not multiple forms) of LGBT+, and everyone I explain this to asks, without fail, "Are you asexual?" I never know what to say because like, I don't know what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like, so how would I know if I felt it? I end up with some sort of malaise "Maybe, I dunno?" "I guess???" or "[shrug] How should I know?" answer. "I don't know" has been my go-to answer for questions involving sexuality or orientation for five years. I always keep one in my back pocket, just in case somebody gets nosy. But when should my lack of knowing equal a 'yes'? How can I know for sure? I had some other questions but I have to go for now, so I'll add those in later. Thank you for reading. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Starlit Sky Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I think your "I don't know" should turn into a "yes" when you really believe that you are asexual (if it makes you feel better, you could start saying "I think I might be" to people until you form an opinion either way). Think of sexual attraction as a certain pull towards another person to actually have sex with them. You want it, you even need it. If you don't have that pull, it's safe to assume that you are asexual. If you do have that pull, it's safe to assume that you aren't. I know that it's more complex than that, but I do believe that sexual attraction isn't as difficult as we often feel it is. I really don't know if you're asexual or not . . . it's so hard to say. Perhaps your best bet would be to say that you "might be" to people, explore some more on AVEN, and just give it time. It's even possible that once you get the hell out of your house, you'll find it easier to work through all kinds of issues, including your sexuality. That's what it was like for me (my dad was an asshole when he was alive, and I'm also a rape survivor--though those two things aren't directly related). Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Why should you call yourself asexual when there is no practical reason to do so? If regardless of your sexual orientation, you are comfortable in your identity and know what you want, then there's no issue. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Starlit Sky Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Why should you call yourself asexual when there is no practical reason to do so? If regardless of your sexual orientation, you are comfortable in your identity and know what you want, then there's no issue. I think it's probably because they feel like they likely are asexual. A lot of people feel like giving names to things help them understand themselves better, and I'm sure in their case this is true. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MoraDollie Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Greyromantic/sexual might fit for you until you find a more appropriate term :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 ^ No, the correct term is questioning. That's like suggesting a bi-curious person to just fully identify as bisexual (i.e. not something people should do). You speak of directing your libido at your ex-partner, but asexuals don’t desire sex with anyone; desiring sex period means someone is sexual. Also, have you made out/had foreplay? If not then you may end up having responsive sexual desire; as most women and a minority of men do. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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