floralmind Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 So I've never been in a relationship until this year, at age 26. It's not that I've never wanted a relationship, it just never happened before. Since I've been in a relationship I've noticed that a lot of the things I thought I would like, such as cuddling, kissing, etc... I'm actually not that fond of them. My first kiss was this year too and I remember being grossed out by it immediately. When it comes to my relationship, my girlfriend is definitely a sexual person, she has expressed her desire to be intimate with me sexually multiple times and at first I told her I wasn't ready and that when I was I would let her know. It's been 3 months now and since then she's made little moves here and here, I can tell she's getting impatient even though she's trying to remain patient. I'm just wondering what on earth is wrong with me. Last weekend I told myself I was going to finally try having sex, but when it finally came down to it, I just couldn't. I had zero desire and felt like I would be forcing myself...so we didn't have sex. I'm just confused now. I've never felt sexual attraction to anyone before but I figured once I was in a relationship it would change and since it hasn't changed its led me to research it and that's how I found this site. I'm not sure if I'm just jumping to conclusions about this or if I really may be asexual... Any thoughts? Tips? Suggestions? Thank you for any advice.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Do you have any type of passionate or romantic feelings for your girlfriend? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
boxed toast Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 I would say whatever you do decide to do, take it slow. Sex is scary. Start with the things you are comfortable doing. If you want to push your boundaries, make sure that you feel entirely safe and not pressured doing it. There is a good chance that you are asexual, and that you really won't ever desire sex, but that doesn't mean that you won't enjoy or at least be okay doing it at some point if you want to. Talk to your girlfriend about this. Let her know what you're comfortable with and what you're not. Tell her how different things make you feel. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
God of the Forest Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 So I've never been in a relationship until this year, at age 26. It's not that I've never wanted a relationship, it just never happened before. Since I've been in a relationship I've noticed that a lot of the things I thought I would like, such as cuddling, kissing, etc... I'm actually not that fond of them. My first kiss was this year too and I remember being grossed out by it immediately. When it comes to my relationship, my girlfriend is definitely a sexual person, she has expressed her desire to be intimate with me sexually multiple times and at first I told her I wasn't ready and that when I was I would let her know. It's been 3 months now and since then she's made little moves here and here, I can tell she's getting impatient even though she's trying to remain patient. I'm just wondering what on earth is wrong with me. Last weekend I told myself I was going to finally try having sex, but when it finally came down to it, I just couldn't. I had zero desire and felt like I would be forcing myself...so we didn't have sex. I'm just confused now. I've never felt sexual attraction to anyone before but I figured once I was in a relationship it would change and since it hasn't changed its led me to research it and that's how I found this site. I'm not sure if I'm just jumping to conclusions about this or if I really may be asexual... Any thoughts? Tips? Suggestions? Thank you for any advice.. Hello floralmind! I'm HappyBunny! Welcome to AVEN! good to see you! First, we can't tell you whether or not you are asexual, that is something you have to figure out, but we are more than happy to help you on your journey of self discovery, to start perhaps take a look this link, it can be helpful if you are confused and questioning. If you have any questions or need help with anything else, feel free to poke around this forum or any of the other forums or you can PM (private message) me or the other moderator of this forum faeriefate :D have a wonderful day! (or night) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tea with toast Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 I would like to emphasize the above post -- take it slow, don't force it, don't do anything that you're not comfortable doing. It took me 2 years of being a relationship before I (at age 30) felt comfortable enough to have sex with my partner. We went through many stages to get there. I liken it to swimming in an icy cold pool. If you jump in all at once, it's painfully uncomfortable. But if you dip yourself in slowly, first your feet, then your legs, then your torso, etc., it's more tolerable, less shocking, and less stressful such that you can enjoy your time with the person you're swimming with. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 If you are asexual then you will not have sexual desire no matter who you are with. If a sexual person starts dating someone and they find that they don't enjoy kissing or cuddling with them and feel no desire to have sex with them, usually they break up. They may be a good friend and have many wonderful qualities but that spark is just not there so it's probably best to keep things platonic and keep looking. Since you are questioning your sexuality based mostly on a single relationship I just thought I would mention that asexuality is not the only reason two people might be sexually incompatible. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
floralmind Posted August 31, 2016 Author Share Posted August 31, 2016 Do you have any type of passionate or romantic feelings for your girlfriend? I don't consider what I feel for her very passionate or romantic, I feel like she's a best friend who I wouldn't want to live without. And as for other people I've liked/loved in my lifetime, I've never wanted to have sex with any of them. I don't recall ever wanting to have sex at all...Hence why I never have. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
floralmind Posted August 31, 2016 Author Share Posted August 31, 2016 I would say whatever you do decide to do, take it slow. Sex is scary. Start with the things you are comfortable doing. If you want to push your boundaries, make sure that you feel entirely safe and not pressured doing it. There is a good chance that you are asexual, and that you really won't ever desire sex, but that doesn't mean that you won't enjoy or at least be okay doing it at some point if you want to. Talk to your girlfriend about this. Let her know what you're comfortable with and what you're not. Tell her how different things make you feel. If it do try yeah that definitely seems like the right way to go about it. But honestly I wish I didn't have to try. In a perfect world she would just be okay with not going there. Now that I know that asexuality exists, that it's an actual thing people experience, it is a breath of fresh air and also relieves the feeling that something is wrong with me, Anyway, I mean, who knows, maybe I'm not asexual, maybe I'm just not ready yet. I don't know. But I appreciate your message and advice. It's nice to have a place to feel safe to talk about this stuff. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Starlit Sky Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I would say whatever you do decide to do, take it slow. Sex is scary. Start with the things you are comfortable doing. If you want to push your boundaries, make sure that you feel entirely safe and not pressured doing it. There is a good chance that you are asexual, and that you really won't ever desire sex, but that doesn't mean that you won't enjoy or at least be okay doing it at some point if you want to. Talk to your girlfriend about this. Let her know what you're comfortable with and what you're not. Tell her how different things make you feel. If it do try yeah that definitely seems like the right way to go about it. But honestly I wish I didn't have to try. In a perfect world she would just be okay with not going there. Now that I know that asexuality exists, that it's an actual thing people experience, it is a breath of fresh air and also relieves the feeling that something is wrong with me, Anyway, I mean, who knows, maybe I'm not asexual, maybe I'm just not ready yet. I don't know. But I appreciate your message and advice. It's nice to have a place to feel safe to talk about this stuff. That's right, you might not be asexual at all. I won't lie to you: by all means, you sound asexual. But there are many people who can sound asexual and not be asexual. Whether you are or you aren't, it's totally fine! There is nothing wrong with you, either way. I completely agree with what's been said, about taking it slow. But I want to say this as well: If you don't want to try, then don't. If you don't try having sex with your girlfriend, that DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON. You don't owe her sex. It's been brought up here a few times that when two people get in a relationship, there are "certain expectations" a person has, and that's totally true. But that doesn't mean that you have to have sex, and if you don't want it, if you don't want to try, if you don't want to explore with it, then don't do it. There's a good enough chance that, once you become more comfortable with your girlfriend, or maybe with your sexuality, you'll be okay with doing things step-by-step. That's how it is for me. There's also a good chance that you will NEVER be okay with doing any of that, and if that's the case then please don't do it. Be kind to yourself! Also, I also strongly suggest that, if you haven't already, you tell your girlfriend that you might be asexual. If it makes you feel better you can stress that you don't know. A supportive partner can go a long way, regardless of whether the two of you break up or not. Aside from that, it's important in any relationship to be open with one another, so that a bond can grow stronger. ^_^ If she rejects you on the spot, then you'll know that she's not right for you regardless of whether you're asexual or not. If she accepts you, then you'll know that she might be. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Éadweard Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I remember the first time I kissed someone. It was disgusting. I've kissed since then. My feelings about kissing never changed. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I think you should put on your grownup pants and break up with her as amicably as possible. It sounds like her feelings for you are stronger than your feelings for her. Of course you shouldn't be expected to have sex with her if you don't want to, and of course she shouldn't be expected to keep being your girlfriend if you simply don't feel about her the way she feels about you. Don't set this up as a test to see if she rejects you. Don't use any sort of strategy to string her along taking advantage of her feelings for you. I recommend not making this about your hypothetical orientation. What we know for sure is that you are not attracted to your girlfriend and you are not in love with your girlfriend, and thankfully you've noticed this early in the relationship. So break up with her. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
EsmiraTalon Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 were just alike :P Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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