Can I make myself want sex so I can have a relationship?

[Sylvastor]

I also can't stress enough that sex isn't any payment method for love nor is it any guarantee and I can only advise you to get rid of that thought, not only because you're neglecting yourself. If someone "pays" for love, is it still love?

Relationships are never about sacrifice and giving up parts of yourself, at "worst" they're about compromises. But the core of it is still sharing and enjoying your life with someone on a very personal/romantic level.

I've been struggling to find the right words for how this sounded like to me and I've needed a day or two to even come to realize what exactly I've perceived when reading your posts, but (and please don't feel offended when I say it so bluntly) it sounds like you're trying to focus on sex because of a fear of separation, a fear of getting abandoned and remaining alone - because apparently, deep inside, you seem to feel that this is why the relationship failed. This mindset is the easiest way to become dependent on someone, that fear is one of the catalysts for emotional dependence.

This is why you have to learn to respect and love yourself too. It will give you the confidence you need and remove (at least a lot of) that fear from your life. It will also help you in the way that you will stop blaming yourself over things you're not even responsible for and excusing someone else's unexcusable behaviour.

If someone - despite having different sexual needs - truly loves you, there will be at the very least compromises made. People who love someone are usually willing to compromise in order for their partner to be happy, they don't force anyone to do anything and certainly don't force themselves on another person just because "desires and needs".

You might also be prone to perceive the negative examples with more weight (personal bias due to your experience perhaps), but it doesn't mean that positive examples which prove the contrary aren't very well possible. There are (sexual) people who simply can't have sex with their partner anymore because of a variety of reasons, not just because they're asexual, and they still stay with their partners and wouldn't ever abandon them, no matter what.

As for your current situation, I think moving out could boost your selfconfidence. From what it sounds to me, the atmosphere in your home seems rather... toxic. Imagine if you would be able to limit it to just half of that - or even less. I'm fairly sure you would blossom, that you would overall be happier and gain some independence. It could motivate you as well.

You could still visit your parents if you truly desire to if you find a place to live at which isn't all too far away. You could also gradually reduce your frequency of visits, which might allow your family to finally let go of you - or if really necessary, you will be able to cut off all contacts if it's unbearable.

You will have options and freedom which you probably don't really have right now.

Starlit Sky (hello again! :)) has posted a link to a website with tips for people suffering from a trauma in another thread *click me*. I generally recommend you to take a look at the threat itself as well, in case you might have developed a PTSD (or suspect of suffering from a trauma) from what happened to you as we have been talking about it there as well.

[daisy86]

So much has been said the last few days. Most of it was very helpful, but it's too hard to respond to everyone in detail. So I'm just going to pick out the bits that stood out most. Sorry if this reply is a bit fragmentary.

I'm very sorry about your experience. It's traumatizing and it IS rape and maybe that's why you feel confused about it. Allow yourself to be hurt because even when you are in a relationship, your body is yours and you can deny sex because you don't owe that to a partner. You didn't want it and although you may want to think that what he did is okay because you were in a relationship, it was NOT okay.

There are plenty of sexuals on AVEN--I'm thinking Telecaster, Tarfeather, Skullery Maid--who haven't raped their partners because they're not having sex. Every day, one person in a relationship says that they're not up for sex right now, and the other obeys. That is normal. What he did was not.

I struggle to really grasp what is being said above. While in that relationship, I was bombarded with how natural sex was and how it's normal that men want it every day and that if I refused I'd hurt him. I read a lot online and there were people everywhere who claimed they needed it every day too and that sex was only withheld from them when the other partner was angry and/or wanted to punish them. So the suggestion that sexual people would voluntarily say no to sex seems strange to me. Why would they do that? Isn't that going against their own nature? (I'm sorry if this sounds stupid. I'm trying to understand it all, but it's often feels like my head just won't work well.)

Another thing you must, must, must understand--and your therapist will tell you this as well--is that rape is NOT about sex, but control. Is sex important? Yes. But what he did was extremely far from normal. Normal, healthy, quarter-decent people will not force you to have sex with them so that they can have sex.

The doctor said the same. That rape is about power and that rape is nothing like sex. But I don't really understand that either. Rape and sex involve the exact same actions, so why would it be different? In both cases there's another person present who is doing with your body whatever they want, without explaining anything or giving you a forewarning. Wherein then lies the difference?

If someone - despite having different sexual needs - truly loves you, there will be at the very least compromises made. People who love someone are usually willing to compromise in order for their partner to be happy, they don't force anyone to do anything and certainly don't force themselves on another person just because "desires and needs".

I guess that's a fair point. I did try to compromise or talk about things while I was with him, but I was always told that we could talk about it later when there was more time. He lived a very busy life so I always put it down to that. But maybe he was just trying to shut me up. I'm beginning to feel like a complete idiot for having been so patient with him all the time. I was always taught patience was a good character skill to have. Maybe that's not true then.

I think you need social support, people to lean on outside of your family. Maybe you have a rebellious not jerk cousin.

There's no one, I'm afraid. I have no siblings, and also no cousins on my father's side of the family. I have a few cousins on my mother's side, but they all hate me because my grandmother didn't approve of my mother marrying my father and as a result I'm seen as tarnished goods by association. I do have friends, but ironically the ones who live nearby don't have the ability to help me and that ones that do have the ability to help me live over 200km away. (They moved back to their home towns after university, where I met them.) I have a job that I can't do if I have to do a 400km+ commute every day. So it's just me, on my own.

You will have options and freedom which you probably don't really have right now.

No, I don't. I craved for freedom when I was younger, but some years ago the wish to be free somehow vanished. I'm not sure where it went. But I've never really minded. In my current situation, it's best not to have anything, not to want anything and never show anyone that you want something, because if you do then you give them ammunition to hurt you. My mother once had some suspicions that I was seeing someone and she kept going on and on about how first relationships never last and it was all a waste of time. She got bored after a while because she found no more traces of dating anyone, so she stopped. But imagine what she would've been like if I had honestly told her I was seeing someone. It would've been hell.

Starlit Sky (hello again! :)) has posted a link to a website with tips for people suffering from a trauma in another thread *click me*. I generally recommend you to take a look at the threat itself as well, in case you might have developed a PTSD (or suspect of suffering from a trauma) from what happened to you as we have been talking about it there as well.

I've already been diagnosed with chronic PTSD and trauma-caused depression. The therapy I've been signed up for is organised by the regional center for trauma reduction, so I guess I'll see a lot more of the things you linked to once all that starts. (I got a phone call on Friday by the way that they'll have a spot for me in two weeks' time.) As with so many other things, I don't really know what to think of it yet. I've seen here many times that therapy will probably be good for me, so that gives me some hope, but the thought alone also scares me. I'm not looking forward to reliving all my bad memories in the present of someone I barely know. It also adds to the burdens I'm bearing, because my parents can't ever find out why I need therapy. When they're around I have to pretend that I'm fine and in order to explain my leaving the house sometimes, I've had to come up with a fake story about suffering from headaches which the doctor thinks might be work-stress related. It's tiring to keep up that charade 24/7. I just hope the effort will probe to be worth it one day.

[nanogretchen4]

I'm really happy to hear that you will be starting therapy soon. I hope that things get much better for you soon because you are really going through a lot.

Considering that you have been abusively shamed about sex your whole life and your only actual experience with sex was with a rapist, I have no opinion about what your sexual orientation is. I just really urge you to put sex and romance on the back burner while you work through some huge issues. I think a network of platonic friends you can trust would be far more beneficial to you right now.

It is not normal or acceptable for anyone to commit rape ever. Rapists are violent felons who should go to prison for a long time. There is no possible justification for commiting such a heinous crime.

The great majority of the population is sexual in the sense that they want sex to be part of a longterm romantic relationship. There is a wide range of libidos, but most sexuals don't want sex every day over the long term. No one is in the mood for sex all the time, and usually one person in a relationship wants sex more often than the other. It is very normal for sexuals to sometimes say no to sex, and it is very normal for sexuals to take no for an answer. That said, if when you are ready to date you are looking for a romantic relationship with no sex ever, it would be smart to look for someone who wants the same type of relationship.

[Starlit Sky]

I'm going to respond to your PM either today or tomorrow (I think that will actually be either tomorrow or the next day after, in your time zone), so don't worry, I'm not ignoring you!

So much has been said the last few days. Most of it was very helpful, but it's too hard to respond to everyone in detail. So I'm just going to pick out the bits that stood out most. Sorry if this reply is a bit fragmentary.

I'm very sorry about your experience. It's traumatizing and it IS rape and maybe that's why you feel confused about it. Allow yourself to be hurt because even when you are in a relationship, your body is yours and you can deny sex because you don't owe that to a partner. You didn't want it and although you may want to think that what he did is okay because you were in a relationship, it was NOT okay.

There are plenty of sexuals on AVEN--I'm thinking Telecaster, Tarfeather, Skullery Maid--who haven't raped their partners because they're not having sex. Every day, one person in a relationship says that they're not up for sex right now, and the other obeys. That is normal. What he did was not.

I struggle to really grasp what is being said above. While in that relationship, I was bombarded with how natural sex was and how it's normal that men want it every day and that if I refused I'd hurt him. I read a lot online and there were people everywhere who claimed they needed it every day too and that sex was only withheld from them when the other partner was angry and/or wanted to punish them. So the suggestion that sexual people would voluntarily say no to sex seems strange to me. Why would they do that? Isn't that going against their own nature? (I'm sorry if this sounds stupid. I'm trying to understand it all, but it's often feels like my head just won't work well.)

No, men (as in, the collective majority) do not need it every day. You will find far more men--and women, for that matter--who are perfectly happy having sex once or twice a week. Actually, last I heard once or twice a week is the average amount of time a couple has sex. I can't personally tell you that any of my friends have ever said that they "need" sex everyday. And most of my friends have been boys. And we tend to be very open about sex.

Sex is natural, but what's even more natural is not guilting and forcing people into doing what you want. What he did was just sooo not normal.

Anyway, you don't sound stupid at all. Just take your time in understanding these things. :)

Not all sexuals have high libidos. I have a friend (sexual) who has straight-up told me that he's always felt he'd be A-okay if he was in a sexless marriage, so long as the emotional, romantic bond was strong. Except for horny teenage boys, I've never personally heard or read any sexual--man, woman, genderqueer, whatever--saying that sex was the most important thing in a relationship. To romantic sexuals, sex is important, but love is more so. If they love their partner, and they're okay with [x] amount of sex their (asexual) partner can give them, they will stay.

Another thing you must, must, must understand--and your therapist will tell you this as well--is that rape is NOT about sex, but control. Is sex important? Yes. But what he did was extremely far from normal. Normal, healthy, quarter-decent people will not force you to have sex with them so that they can have sex.

The doctor said the same. That rape is about power and that rape is nothing like sex. But I don't really understand that either. Rape and sex involve the exact same actions, so why would it be different? In both cases there's another person present who is doing with your body whatever they want, without explaining anything or giving you a forewarning. Wherein then lies the difference?

No no no no no. No. Sex is NOT doing with your body whatever they want, it is NOT not explaining anything, it is NOT not giving you a forewarning. With sex, both people are completely consenting to what is happening. With sex, if a guy says, "Hey, you wanna try role playing this time around?" and the other person says, "Sounds fun!" then that's what they'll do. On the other hand, if the other person is against the idea, then the first guy will respect their wishes and they won't do that. With sex, there is a warning. With sex, no one is coming up behind you and forcing you to bend over, or telling you that you have to get on the ground, or whatever.

With rape, a person will do whatever they want with another person's body.

With sex, a person will completely and utterly respect what the hell the other person likes, doesn't like, and doesn't want to do.

With rape, it's fun for one person. One person does what they want to do, one person does what turns them on.

With sex, people strive to make it fun and comfortable for both partners. When a person is having sex with you, they want you to enjoy it, they want you to feel safe, they want you to feel like you can tell them if you're uncomfortable or if you aren't.

If someone - despite having different sexual needs - truly loves you, there will be at the very least compromises made. People who love someone are usually willing to compromise in order for their partner to be happy, they don't force anyone to do anything and certainly don't force themselves on another person just because "desires and needs".

I guess that's a fair point. I did try to compromise or talk about things while I was with him, but I was always told that we could talk about it later when there was more time. He lived a very busy life so I always put it down to that. But maybe he was just trying to shut me up. I'm beginning to feel like a complete idiot for having been so patient with him all the time. I was always taught patience was a good character skill to have. Maybe that's not true then.

You're a kind, wonderful person. Patience is not a bad thing; the bad thing is that he used your patience against you. That is not your fault, it's his, and because it's not your fault, that doesn't make you stupid. I do agree that he was just trying to shut you up. In a healthy relationship, you can say that you want to talk about something now, and the other person will either agree or tell you the soonest possible time they can talk about it (e.g., if they're at work they probably won't be able to talk, but they can afterwards). They won't just leave you hanging, and they're not going to ignore your wants and needs because, in a healthy relationship, they want you to be happy.

I've already been diagnosed with chronic PTSD and trauma-caused depression. The therapy I've been signed up for is organised by the regional center for trauma reduction, so I guess I'll see a lot more of the things you linked to once all that starts. (I got a phone call on Friday by the way that they'll have a spot for me in two weeks' time.) As with so many other things, I don't really know what to think of it yet. I've seen here many times that therapy will probably be good for me, so that gives me some hope, but the thought alone also scares me. I'm not looking forward to reliving all my bad memories in the present of someone I barely know. It also adds to the burdens I'm bearing, because my parents can't ever find out why I need therapy. When they're around I have to pretend that I'm fine and in order to explain my leaving the house sometimes, I've had to come up with a fake story about suffering from headaches which the doctor thinks might be work-stress related. It's tiring to keep up that charade 24/7. I just hope the effort will probe to be worth it one day.

It's more than likely that you'll hear over and over again that you need to get out of your parents' house. For most people who have suffered through a traumatic situation, the two most important things for them is to be around loving, supportive people who understand the horrible thing they went through and don't judge them for it, and to be able to talk about it, sometimes over and over again, and until they don't feel like they need to talk about it anymore. Neither of those things are being met in your case.

As for what therapy will be like--well, actually, I don't know. Everyone's experiences are different. I will say, however, that more often than not people will say that they're nervous about talking about their crap to someone they don't know, but it, more often than not, easier once you're actually there. If you don't want to talk about your bad experiences on your first visit, or on the first month, or within the first three months, then you can tell your therapist that and they're likely to agree and go with the flow. They might sometimes try to steer the discussion to your experiences, to see if you're yet ready (after all, the best way of getting through this crap is to talk about it), but I've never heard of any therapist forcing their patient to talk about it. You can talk about your day, your parents, or your favorite color, too. :)

[Sylvastor]

No no no no no. No. Sex is NOT doing with your body whatever they want, it is NOT not explaining anything, it is NOT not giving you a forewarning. With sex, both people are completely consenting to what is happening. With sex, if a guy says, "Hey, you wanna try role playing this time around?" and the other person says, "Sounds fun!" then that's what they'll do. On the other hand, if the other person is against the idea, then the first guy will respect their wishes and they won't do that. With sex, there is a warning. With sex, no one is coming up behind you and forcing you to bend over, or telling you that you have to get on the ground, or whatever.

With rape, a person will do whatever they want with another person's body.

With sex, a person will completely and utterly respect what the hell the other person likes, doesn't like, and doesn't want to do.

With rape, it's fun for one person. One person does what they want to do, one person does what turns them on.

With sex, people strive to make it fun and comfortable for both partners. When a person is having sex with you, they want you to enjoy it, they want you to feel safe, they want you to feel like you can tell them if you're uncomfortable or if you aren't.

Yes, exactly! Sex is communication and mutual respect of needs and desires. It's not a one-sided act, both (are supposed to) take an active role.

Exceptional examples would be things like bondage, where one person is completely passive during the act, but even then communication happens at the very least beforehand, there are agreements, safewords are exchanged and this happens on mutual agreement. In such cases, both want to give it a try.

I hope this gives you a better insight on the difference. :)

Also, a therapist will (and should) never push you. The most successful therapy is one where you gradually make progress in a pace that you consider comfortable until you resolve your inner troubles!

[borkfork]

I don't know what country you're in, but there almost always resources. You just have to look. http://homeshare.orgfor example. That's the only non-U.S. one I know off-hand.